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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #61 
Tracie - He was quite the handsome boy. Very proud and regal. Look at those beautiful curls. Is he a cockapoo? So sorry to hear about your struggles. 
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Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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tbillapando123

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Reply with quote  #62 
Thanks Diana.  Watson was a rescue dog that we got at three years old & they told us that he was a full american cocker spaniel.  The previous owners were very cruel to him & damaged his let so bad he needed a very expensive surgery.  The people said to put him down & thank God before the vet did that they called a rescue who took Watson in & found a vet to perform the surgery for free.  He was an amazing dog & with all the abuse he took the first three years of his life you would never know it he was treated so poorly.  From the beginning he was amazing & so happy.  Guess he knew he did good the second time around because we spoiled him rotten trying to make up for the first three years of his life.  We were blessed to spoil him rotten for 8 years until that dreaded heart disease kicked in & it is a beast.  Such a horrible disease & only so much you can do.  We are so devastated & lost without our baby Watson.  I know you understand along with so many others on this website.  Everyone on here is so great.

Tracie (Watson's Mommy)
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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #63 
Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. I am still raw. I am still empty. It still steals my breathe. I move about through my day like a zombie. I am not interested in anything and have little desire to even get out of bed. I go to work and go through the motions.. I have reached a place where anger has set in. I will make an appointment with the Vet to discuss Elvis illness and the timeline. I5 all happened so fast. I know it will not bring him back , but I have questions that need to be answered. I think my medical background is a curse sometimes. I’m hoping it will help with some closure. As far as moving goes for us. We were in the process of gettiig some quotes long before Elvis was sick. He was coming with us. He always came with us. I did not vacation for 10 years without him. I refused to leave him with anyone, so we drove from NY to The outer banks in North Carolina every year from when he was 5. He went with me everywhere. If I went to get gas he came. Grocery store, he came. Everywhere and anywhere he was with me. Always.he was with me.. Always he will BE with me. Inside my heart. It does not matter where I live, he will be with me, this is my great hope. I want to believe this. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. I still have not gone into the backyard. He buried a bone by the gutter on his last day. I have it on video. He buried his toys and other treasures there over the years. Our garden is littered with have buried toys. Sometimes he would dig them back up and bring them in the house, dirty and muddy, tail wagging out of control. He would wag his tail so hard that his whole body would wag. Pit bull. I miss him terribly. I pray for peace in my heart. I pray that he has peace wherever he is. I wish I could dream of him. I am told by others that he will always be with me. This is my hope. My yard is only a physical place. My heart is where I need him. I am still depressed. I am still sick over this. I know he would only want me to be happy. He was the peace keeper. If my wife and I would argue, he would get up and physically come between us with a look of such concern on his face. We would stop. He was the peace keeper. If I would raise my voice, he would get up and come to me with that look again, such concern, like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I would stop. He wanted only love. We would tel him Love-Love Elvis, and he would wag his whole back end, not just his tail his whole back end. Pit bull. I pray he will be in my heart. He was so pure. He was Love. My Elvis.
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #64 
Words won’t help, thinking of you🐾,,,,,
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #65 
Tracie - I'm so glad Watson found you to live out his days happy, not remembering his terrible past.

Peteyd - I know it is still so fresh and raw. I'm glad you are able to see beyond the physical and that you feel Elvis is always with you.

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Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #66 
I am so lost, I feel l8ke I can’t go on without him. My life feels empty. I can not accept this. I want him back. It is too much to bear. I can’t imagine my life without him. What is the point. I am not eating. Everyone thinks I’m crazy. I miss him so much, I can’t stop crying. Wailing from deep down like I never have before. It is the darkest time I have ever experienced. I’m not equipped. He is all I think about. I’m begging for some kind of relief. Please God if you are there please help me. I spiral downward so quickly. I can’t do this much longer. It’s too much to bear. My Elvis. I never loved anything so much. It’s too much. It’s just too much . Please God if you are there please hear me. I am begging for some kind of relief from this . I can’t take this pain , my heart is just so heavy and the sadness sucks the life from me. I still loose my breathe. When will I get some relief from this. Will I ever. I miss you Elvis. I am parked in front of the river where we used to walk. I loved taking you here. It is close to the house so sometimes I would go in my pajamas. We would come early on Saturday mornings and sometimes very late at night. I loved coming here and letting you out of the car to sniff around. We would walk together. I loved coming here. We came in a foot of snow and the trail was non existent, but we managed. We came in the heat of the summer and the bugs were just awful but we managed. We came here in the fall when the leaves were turning and it was so beautiful. The weather was perfect. A little cool, you loved that. Me too. Our favorite time of year. We would walk and I would speak to,you and you would listen. Sometimes you would get excited at something I said and you would jump up and lick me in the face. You knew what I was talking about. You understood me. I would laugh and get such a kick out of our communication. It was perfect. We understood each other perfectly. I am here right now Elvis. I am at the river parked in the car looking at the river. I got out and walked a bit, but it wasn’t the same. I tried so hard to imagine you with me, but it hurt. It hurt so bad, it stole my breathe. My heart ached so I went back to the car. I’m here Elvis. I’m sitting in the car, remembering our time here and wishing I could have one more walk here. Just one more moment together, God I miss you so much Elvis. I’m here and you are not. I’m lost without you Elvis. Mom an I are fighting and things are not good. We both miss you. I am suffering without you. You were my best friend Elvis. I loved our time together more than anything. I’m lost without you. God if you exist please help me. Elvis you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I wish you were here with me right now . I love you Elvis. Love-Love.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #67 
I know. It is so hard and so unfair. We lose all meaning to keep living, but we must. We must learn to let go and continue with our lives, changed forever. We have had our hearts torn out and the world just keeps moving on with or without us. We continue to live with that hole in our hearts. We learn to live with losses. We learn to accept the losses and let go in order for our hearts to find some healing. We will never be the same again. We will be different, but we will be ok.

It's not good that you and your wife aren't getting along. Elvis would be worried. You must find a way to hold onto one another for support and not push each other away. Each one of you is stressed beyond your limits and is overburdened. Elvis knows that you are sad, but he would want you to know that he is ok and that you will eventually be ok as well. i know it's hard to believe that you will be, but you will. I felt exactly the same as you did just a few weeks ago. That deep soulful sobbing combined with screams of pain. The feeling that I didn't want to live anymore in order to be with my dogs, those thoughts were all there for me as well. I didn't know how I would survive this pain. I went through it with 2 of my 4 dogs, but I did survive, I grieved, I never forgot them, but I had to change. The moment I accepted that they were gone and that my life changed forever, when I stopped resisting the change, was the day the pain subsided. It didn't go away, but it didn't crush me either. 

My refreshing my understanding of the cycles of life and that we are all small cogs in the big wheel of life helped me as well. The reminder that I'm not the only one in this universe going through this pain has helped me. Writing out the anger, the hurt, the injustices onto paper helped me. Hold onto as many life lines as you can possibly grab onto right now. It will get better, but it will take time. I know you are in zombie mode trying to get through another day. Tomorrow you will get through another day, and another, and with each new day a happy memory will replace a sad one. Just keep placing one foot in front of the other. 

It's really, really hard, I know it is, you lost your soul mate, but you will get through this. I know you will. I'll be thinking about you everyday. You can make it through this black hole. We've been there, we're there with you now. You're not alone.

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Diana

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #68 
I know everything is more freaked up than you ever thought possible. I know you want nothing more than that last day with him. I also know this is the worst pain you’ve ever felt. I am truly so very sorry. I didn’t know it was physically possible to live with pain so strong it hurts to breathe, it get it.
Sadly I also know what it’s like to be completely alone, even with a spouse, or in my case I’d say especially with a spouse. The death of a child has a higher divorce rate than anything else, even infidelity. You lost a child,
I think the only thing that really got through to me was believing nothing as good and full of love could ever really die. Everything she is the joy the silliness the unconditional love she Always gave me, that’s not what left me. What left me was a body, not my Tankie. Everything I adored was a spirit that didn’t die with her body. I’m counting on every bit of faith I was taught that I didn’t really care about until now. I have faith that I will give her id tag that I wear around my neck back to her one day. And honestly, I’m doing things by the book to ensure I can, I’m not blowing it. I want to be with her with all my heart,,,,,

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #69 
Thank you Diana and Lynn. I thank you both for the support and understanding. I’m hoping to catch up on some sleep this weekend. I have to get through today which will be tough . Last night was spent sitting in my car by the river wher I walked Elvis. I woke up at 3 am in tears, and now it’s 6:50 am. I have a tremendous headache and have to drive 60 miles to work. I will push through the day and hope I can come home and have a peaceful night . I thank you again. Your experience gives me hope.

Pete

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Peteyd
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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #70 
Lynn,
I keep Elvis collar and tag in my car. I touch it every day.

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Peteyd
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #71 
Everyday, as my stomach tightens and the tears fall, as I sit in my truck on the way home to a house without my girl, I touch her tag and silently tell her “you’re coming home with me baby”
tangible bits of comfort, I’ll take what I can get,,,,,

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #72 
I'm glad we've been able to give you some solice. Lynn and I have been worried about you.

Hopefully you can get some rest this weekend. Yes, you just need to get through today for now. I have been called in to go to work today. Have to drag myself there as well. I need the money since I took off 6 months to be with Mill. Sleeping has been a struggle for me lately, too. More having to do with the money worries rather than Millie.  Have been doing fine, then this week have been feeling restless. Today marks 2 months without my Mill. Not sure how this came up so quickly

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Diana

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #73 
Pete,

I just wanted to say hello and that I will be thinking about you this weekend. I hope you'll be able to get some rest this weekend



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Diana

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #74 
I created a small slideshow memorial tribute for Elvis and posted it on Facebook. Friends and such view it and send condolences. It doesn’t matter. I pour through the pictures and videos obsessively. I copy and paste and organize and move them until my eyes burn. I laugh and cry. My heart still aches and I miss him more and more. Sometimes I get angry. Maybe I could have done more. Maybe we should have waited. I want a “do over” of his last day. He laid right down and trusted as the vet put the IV in his little arm. He trusted to the very last moment. I have guilt that wells up inside my gut and comes in waves of anxiety and sadness. I went into the backyard last night. Two weeks exactly. I went into the back yard because I had to light the grill for dinner. I have not been eating well and lost 8 pounds. I realize this only make my emotional state worse, so I planed a nice dinner foe Friday night with my wife, but need to use the grill. I went out into that yard. I have been thinking of the bone he buried on his last day. Did another animal come and dig it up? Was it stil there? I have been wondering. Elvis did not bury his things so well. There was always a piece sticking up out of the ground. It would make me laugh. He would spend so much time carefully digging placing the object in the hole, then using his snout to push the dirt and gravel and rocks and mulch back over it . There was always a piece sticking up out of the ground. Our garden is full of these half buried treasures. When he would do this sometimes I would film him. After some time of him obsessively burring his treasure I would tell him, that’s great buddy, good job. Wow what a good job Elvis , I can’t see it at all, great job buddy. I would tell him this sometimes just to get him to stop and come inside or continue our time together. When he buried that bone from the butcher on his last day, he moved it twice. He buried it by the maple tree first. Slowly and deliberately. Carefully. The. He dug it up, grabbed it and moved it to the rose bush. Same thing. Carefully wedging himself between the thorns and the fence, digging so gently and placing the bone in the hole, adjusting its position with his snout, covering it up. One more time he dug it up. The third time he took it over by the gutter downspout across from the Cedar tree where he had a little nest underneath. He did his thing again as I filmed him. This time he put that bone in the hole and covered it up completely. He covered that bone so well that when I looked for it last night I wasn’t sure if he even buried it in the spot I was checking. There was always a big mound of earth sticking up. A piece of his toy or bone peeking out of the ground. Not this time. That bone was buried. The earth above it was flat. I was second guessing that he even buried it there. I went over to the spot and began to dig with my fingers. My heart sank as I thought my suspicion of an animal digging it up must be correct, then my fingers touched it. The bone was indeed in the spot that Elvis buried it. He buried it completely and perfectly. The whole thing was under the ground. My heart was fillywith joy if only for a split second. I was so happy that that bone was there, and also puzzled by how well he buried it. Did he know that was the last treasurer he would put in his yard? I must be completely crazy for thinking like this. Lack of sleep and food for sure. I have no idea why things are the way they are. I only know that his bone was there where he put it. Buried well. After my heart filled with fondness, it emptied fast and the tears came down. Like a faucet. I cried as I pushed the earth over his bone. I covered it back up like he would want. Happy to find it, crushed that he was gone. I miss my Elvis . Every day is a challenge. Living without him is foreign, alien. I am struggling. I pour through the pictures and videos. I am grateful for the memories, it is all I have. I need to take care of myself, but I mostly don’t care. I can not align the head with the heart. I think that Laura told me that would be the hardest. It is. I am grateful for Lynn and Diana. I get small glimpses of hope from your words. Blue, Tankie, and Millie were all blessed.I am sorry for your losses. I feel your pain. Completely. Profoundly. Wholeheartedly. I pray for acceptance. I pray for peace in my heart. I pray that the pain will lessen. I still loose my breathe, I still fall to pieces. I miss my Elvis. He is always on my mind. Please God help.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #75 
I'm so glad that you have so many videos and pictures of Elvis. I know it's schizophrenic. The joys of the happy memories, then that gut-wrenching recognition that they are no longer here in physical form and the sobbing begins. The realization repeats over and over again until we reach a point where we are grateful to have those happy memories to sustain us.

I'm also glad that you made it into the backyard and remembered fondly all of Elvis's great burying works. My thought as well that he knew he needed to completely hide that last bone completely, no sticking out. He left a lasting legacy that no other animal could take away from him. He left an emotional legacy with you as well. An eternal spark that will never leave you.

The guilt is natural, the what-if's, what could we have done better, did we let them go too soon?...all of it. We rehash it in our minds over and over, but the outcome can't change. Elvis had lymphoma, Millie had lymphoma. It's a cruel disease leaving us with no other choice but to take away their pain sooner than our hearts are ready for.

There would never be that perfect time to let them go, that is, the perfect time that would leave us without any pain or feelings of loss. That would be impossible if we truly loved them. 

I still don't eat as well as I should. I try. My new job project stresses me out with their chaos and I need to learn to let it go, which doesn't help my appetite. I'm glad you are able to make the effort to take better care of yourself and that you prepared a bbq with your wife. That's an awesome step. I hope your weekend runs fairly smoothly.

Thank you. It has been exactly 2 months yesterday since Mill's passing and my memories of Millie and my other 3 dogs have been very fond ones with very little sadness. You'll get there as well. 2 of the 4 were my heart dogs and I am always asking them for guidance. Their spirits are still with us and I view them as my guardian angels now.

Sending you persevering peace and serenity



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Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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