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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #46 
Your writing is wonderful, I can feel the love that grew on those hikes and the wonderful hours of alone time, just two best buds. I’m sorry it’s so painful, there is just no way around it. It’s impossible. You can’t love with such depth and not feel torn to pieces when in an instant it’s gone. You were a great dad but we can never measure up to all the good in them, it’s impossible, their love is unconditional.
I hope the wedding is beautiful and you find moments of peace and joy,,,,,

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #47 
Peteyd,

Your descriptions once again are so beautifully vivid. Your life together is such a treasure. Very few humans or dogs have experienced what the 2 of you have accomplished. What an amazing life you have had  full of adventures with new sights, sounds and smells. He lived the life of the king he was and you gave that amazing life to him. You were a fantastic dad! And know that we all have regrets, even when most of the time it's unfounded, that's just how our brains work because the responsibility connected with being their guardians

I can understand how you can't go to the backyard. What's the point if he's not there. There will hopefully come a time when you take comfort in that backyard. As the place where Elvis' spirit lives. You might be able to plant a tree in his honor, or bring in a boulder, or create a personal memorial, all ways to keep you feeling connected to him. I know that the pictures and videos can bring sadness. The realization that those will be the last photos you will ever have taken is very difficult to face. The reality of them being gone just keeps coming to the fore. The finality that they aren't coming back. There will hopefully come a time when looking at them will trigger the feelings you had when you took the photo.

Initially all we can remember are those last moments, moments of great anxiety and stress, but eventually we start to see beyond them in our minds and we look back to remember how they used to be before the disease.

Right now it just plain hurts and feels like we are sinking. Life has lost all meaning. I know you have the trip coming up. I hope you will at least be distracted. Make sure to have some exit strategies in place once you get there in case it becomes too much. I quiet room, a bench outside away from crowds, a bathroom. That would be the 1st thing I would need as my life raft. I always need a way out in case I start to freak out or feel a major sob wave coming in, otherwise I become even more anxious.

Just know that everything you're feeling is normal. The constant sobbing. All those crazy feelings, the not sleeping, the not wanting to eat. The grief just overwhelms and takes over.

I'll continue to think about you and hope you can find some peace on this trip. Coming back might be the hardest part of that journey.

Sending you strength, healing and (((hugs)))

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Diana

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #48 
Coming home was much worse than we thought it would be. Being away was a distraction.it was a big distraction. I could not fully enjoy the celebration, I was in no mood to celebrate. I did my best, put on a good face and participated the best I could. It was good to see some of my family, but Elvis was always on my mind. After the flight home in the car from the airport.it hit me. He wasn’t going to be home to greet us like he always was. We both cried. When we walked in the door it was so quiet, his bed empty and the heavens and sobs welling up inside. I wept uncontrollably. Cried and cried until I fell asleep. Woke up feeling the same way. I woke up and cried some more. I got on the compute at 9 am and started lookin at pictures and videos and tried to create a slide show. I stayed in front of that computer until 6pm . 9 hours, no food, no break, just a couple cups of coffee. My wife got mad at me around 4 pm telling me, I’m not helping myself, you need to eat, try and live your life. I feel like I’m in a dream. I cry all the time. I miss my Elvis so much and it hurts so baldly, I don’t know what to do. I feel confused. I feel hopeless and depressed. I do not want to do anything. Tomorrow we pick up his ashes from the Vet. I question his health care too. I have questions for the Vet, sometimes I’m even angry. My wife says I shouldn’t bother, it won’t bring him back. She is probably right, it’s another distraction. I’m am lost. I still refuse to go into our backyard. I may never go back there again. There is no reason to. I am miserable. I want to quit my job and run away, but there is nowhere to run to. Nothing will release me from this pain. I am in its grip so tightly,, it still steals my breathe. I’m haunted by my decision and his last moments. It is the saddest thing I have ever witnessed, hands down. I wish I could do it over, I would have kissed him deeper, smelled him longer, stayed with him longer. He is gone now and I will never be the same. Please God help me through this, I am lost.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #49 
I'm so sorry. I know how impossible this is. I was worried for you that the return to the house would be especially painful. I don't see why you couldn't ask questions at the vet's office. If you need more answers it might help, but with lymphoma there is just no stopping it from taking over once it's in its final stages. Speaking with the vet may bring you comfort if he confirms that he wouldn't have gotten better. If you needed to hear it from him again. 

You will need time to grieve. I stopped working for several months to spend with Millie before I even knew that she was sick. I've only recently gone back to work. I'm not sure how you will be able to work and grieve as deeply as you need to. Can you take more time off? Can you find a therapist, a counselor, church support, pet loss group to help you get through this process? This is going to be a very difficult time for you and finding support in your life (aside from your wife) will be very important in the next few weeks. I wish I could help more, take away your heartache and pain. It's the worst feeling that we go through when having to decide to let them go. I've been through 4 so far. Each on different, some easier than others, all painful losses. 

I'm just so sorry you lost your adventure buddy and best friend. Just know that the depth of your love reflects in the depth of your pain and feelings of loss.

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Diana

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #50 
Thank you Diana. Reaching out here has given me an opportunity to express how I feel and not have to be concerned that someone will think I’m crazy. Most of my co-workers don’t really understand. Sometimes after I write, I feel like I’ve gotten it off my chest. I don’t know what else to do. I feel very alone. Even with my wife. I feel like I am all alone to face this ugly world and all the crap that’s in it. I have been particularly negative lately and just want to go and run away somewhere. My patience is thin and I feel on edge. I cry all the time and it just makes me feel worse. I don’t know what else to say. I’m am leaving in 20 minutes to pick up his remains. I’m happy that he will e home with me, but obviously it’s bittersweet. I’m lost.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #51 
Everything that has happened feels crazy. Your reactions to it however are not. They are all completely normal. Some people don't want to be reminded of their own pain and that's why they can't help us and want us to feel "ok". But that's just not how it works. We don't feel ok. We feel overwhelmed in the world and little things set us off. it's all part of the grieving process.

I know it's hard to pick up those ashes, but I have always found comfort in having my pups back home with me. I've driven to the crematory for every dog and although sad, I feel comfort that I'm the one driving them back home with me - our final car ride together. What has also helped is wearing my cremation amulet. I have their ashes and hair in 2 necklaces and always wear them. It has brought me the most comfort when I lost my rotti girl and now Millie. They're always with me wherever I go. I also have pictures everywhere in the house and on my car visors. Millie's hammock is still in the car and the entire fireplace is Millie's memorial spot.

Do whatever gives you some comfort. I know it can't replace your Elvis, nothing ever will, but we have no other choice but to grieve them and work with what we have. Finding a creative outlet like you had started with the pictures and videos, painting, creating a collage, writing a song, creating a memorial outdoors (I know you can't go out to the backyard yet). Just as you have this site as your outlet hopefully you can find some additional personal outlets that might release some of that sadness energy.

There's also the Monday night candle lighting ceremony on this site tonight. I stumbled upon it by accident and even though I'm not religious it really helped to have another outlet and be amongst a community of people who understand grief. It's in a chat room format starting at 9 p.m. ET if you can make it.


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Diana

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Blue_Laura

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Reply with quote  #52 
I feel so badly for you knowing what you are going through.  The early days are the absolute worst of this horrible time.  Like Diana mentioned, the first two weeks were the most unbearable.  It did not get much better for some time, but I was able to breathe after a few weeks.
Like you, I said goodbye to my boy on a Friday.  I picked up his ashes the following week on Good Friday.  Easter was spent with my family and it was a nightmare.  They did not even care what had happened and it took every ounce of strength I had not to lose it at the dinner table.
The second I made it to my car, I let go and started wailing.  My family made things even worse with their complete lack of compassion.  If Blue had been a human child, I assume it would have been different.  People do not understand unless they have been through this.  I too felt utterly alone.  The only thing that would have made me feel better would have been being with Blue - the one thing not possible.
I wish you peace during this time.
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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #53 
Thank you Diana and Laura. We are considering moving. We have been in our home for 13 years, we got Elvis after being here for 18 months. This house is him, he is everywhere. In every room, around every corner. Sometimes I hear him come up the stairs. He walked up the stairs very slowly and deliberately. It was the funniest thing to watch. He didn’t hop or scoot up the stairs like dogs do. He literally walked one step at a time. The wood floors were tough for him as a puppy , I don’t think he ever really felt Comfortable on them. We put area rugs everywhere. Runners in the halls and carpet treads on the stairs. He would chose the oddest ways to get from room to room. Never the shortest most direct route, it was one of his many quirks that made him Elvis. They are so unique these beautiful animals we love so much. Our stairs creak and groan a bit, and sometimes when I’m upstairs, I hear him coming . It is painful. It is devastating. It is a let down that makes me feel like , what’s the point. We were considering moving while he was still alive. I was worried how it would affect him at his age. Now I don’t want to be here anymore. My wife doesn’t either. It would take a year , but I think it may be good for us. The pain doesn’t stop. It is relentless. My heart has a dull ache all the time, with sudden surges of anguish and grief so bad It’s almost unbearable. I still loose my breathe. I look at pictures and videos all the time. I stayed in front of the computer for 9 hours on Sunday. I am depressed. I hope that it gets better soon. I am struggling to go about my day. Coming home hurts every day. The change is hard. I’m lost . Alone. Empty.
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #54 
I had every intention on moving. I despised everything that was leading to her death, especially the Hurricane that contributed to it. I trembled when I stepped foot in **Her** backyard. I wanted as far away as I could get. But I didn’t.
Somewhere in the first weeks the thought of leaving the source of soo much pain gripped my gut like a vice. I couldn’t. I realized the joy in her life, her memories, her happiest times breathes in every wall, consumes the yard she loved so much. And in spite of the agony devouring me, this was where every bittersweet memory took place. This was and always will be her, my Tankie’s home. The thought of being removed from it was worse than the agony of what I’d lost because leaving here would mean I’d lost the last tangible memory. I couldn’t bare that. I’ve also realized you don’t get over this, as I’m sure you have. Think of forever removing yourself from his home, picture someone else there who has no knowledge of everything it’s meant to a dog and his humans, before you decide to leave,,,,,

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #55 
I understand that feeling of wanting to get as far away from the perceived source of pain as quickly as possible. Not that I would be able to move somewhere else right now, but as Lynn expressed, how could I leave behind all of the memories I shared with 5 different dogs. One of them passed away at the park across the street. I just am not ready to leave all of this behind. My house is set up for dogs. The entire laundry room consists of dog gear. Dog beds were in every room with 3 dogs in the house at a time. Even though I am without a dog now it will always be the dog house. I will move one day, but for now it gives me comfort to be surrounded by their spirits. You wrote that you had wanted to move sooner but due to Elvis' age postponed. Hopefully you'll find the right home and might even take in a new rescue to create a new home. Keep the memories of the Elvis home alive with even more photos of all of the spots you shared together.

Sending you peace and strength to get through this difficult time. It does get better eventually

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Diana

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tbillapando123

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Reply with quote  #56 
I am not trying to tell anyone what is right or wrong in regards to moving after a pet dies however this is my experience with moving too soon after a pet dies.

We had to put my beautiful baby Watson down due to heart failure two weeks prior to moving.  When we put our house up for sale & bought a new house Watson was not sick & we had all intentions of him moving to the new home.  If we knew he was going to get sick we would have never put the house up for sale.  In the process of selling & buying our new home Watson declined very rapidly & to keep him from suffering any longer we had to put him down.  It was so awful & it has been 7 weeks & I am still in a complete fog & completely lost without him.  I didn't want to move to the new house.  I wanted to stay in the house Watson lived in his whole life to hold on to his memories.  By the time we put Watson down it was too late to pull from the sale of the house & we were forced to move out.  Now we are in the new house & it is so cold & has no memories of my baby Watson.  I am devastated.  I live close to the house we lived in with Watson & I drive by it everyday to see his back yard he loved so much.  I regret moving out of the house he was in but I didn't have a choice.  If I was you I would think very hard before you pick up & move.  It was something that I regret & if I could do it again I would have stayed in Watson's forever home.

Tracie (Watson's Mommy) 

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #57 
Tracie I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I can’t imagine how gut wrenching that must be, it’s another death. I’m sorry for Watson’s demise, and that it was combined to such a life changing move. I think living so close to the home filled with his memories adds even another layer of grief. I hope in time you find some comfort, thank you for sharing this,,,,,
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tbillapando123

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Reply with quote  #58 
Thank you Lynn for the kind thoughts.  There are so many levels of grief I am going through right now.  The loss of my baby Watson, leaving his home so soon, the what if I did this, what if I did that thoughts etc. etc.  I have been so lost I haven't even been able to go on the website & tell my story.  I have been just reading everyone else's posts trying to get some comfort.  I miss my baby so much.  He was my life.  I still can't believe he is gone.  This post about moving was the first one I decided I needed to get on to give my thoughts because it is a very hard thing to do & I regret it so much.  I would have never done it if I knew Watson was so sick.  Thanks again for your kind words.

Tracie (Watson's Mommy) FB_IMG_1533916456384.jpg   

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #59 
Tracie, Watson is gorgeous or very noble, whichever he’d take more pride in😁,,,,,
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tbillapando123

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Reply with quote  #60 
Thanks Lynn.  Watson was a boy however I had no problem saying how beautiful he was.  This picture was taken believe it or not just last Christmas & the day we had to put Watson down he looked just as handsome.  Due to heart failure which is a totally awful disease there was nothing more we could do but to put him out of his pain.  We just didn't want him to suffer.  Now we suffer in pain without him but that is ok because he is at the Rainbow Bridge running around not in pain.  What we do for our babies, right?

Tracie (Watson's Mommy) 
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