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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #31 
Thank you Laura and Millie for your continued support and suggestions. I do not get more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep at a time and it’s going on 2 weeks. I am exhausted, but somehow find the energy when get home to spend a little time with him. I have been staying up a lot later than usual to be with him and he needs to go out every few hours anyway. I was able to take off Friday and I’m grateful that I will spend his last day with him. The Vet will come after hours and my wife and I made plans to stay in a hotel this weekend. I do not want to be home. I am so scared. Really frightened about Friday night. Whe; I think about it I get severe anxiety. I try not to think too much about it and just move about through my day. It’s like a dream sometimes. I think the lack of sleep is taking a toll. I pray for strength. Last night was great with him. We ate together, the same thing, beef tenderloin and vanilla ice cream, it was fun. He still wags his tail. I have so much love for him, sometimes it’s overwhelming. Thank you again for your support. Your senserity comes through in the darkness like a ray of light. I will try to follow it . Screaming and falling apart in the car is good , it lessens the chance of me doing it in front of him. He gets so concerned when I’m upset. I am trying to be strong for him. I can’t believe how much I love him. I hope I make him proud. He is the love of my life.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #32 
I completely understand. I went through what you are going through now.

The strength needed to keep going, putting on a brave face to make sure we don't stress them. I did pretty well considering, but only because I told myself to enjoy her, just enjoy her, enjoy her. I cried and sobbed and apologized to her for not knowing sooner that she probably had been sick for quite a while, but showed no signs. I sobbed and then I was good to go again for another day.

I did the same, up every 3 hours to get her out to go potty. I ended up camped out with her in the living room so she didn't have to travel so far to the back door. It feels unreal and unfair for sure. 

I'm so glad to hear you were able to have some fun. Those small joys now will sustain you later. It will be an honor for you to take care of him, to hand feed him tenderloin, to feed him ice cream off of a spoon. Those are the small joys you still have to cling onto. Love him for as long as you can.

You have already been making him proud. He loves and appreciates you as well. I'm glad you booked a room for your 1st night without him. I slept with the lights on that 1st night. I was afraid to go to sleep. The days thereafter I had the tv on, built her memorial, spent days sorting through pictures, writing her story. Just do whatever it takes to keep your sanity. It sounds like you've been taking all the right steps for you and for him. Not easy steps by any means.

I totally understand those feelings of love and the dread of losing that love. Know that his spirit will always be with you. I know it's not something you can fathom right now, but just know that he will be.

Sending you strength and will thinking about you.

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Diana

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #33 
It is Thursday night 11:40 pm. I am doing my best to deal with this. It is surreal. I am sad . I can not accept it. My heart is heavy. I have been crying and I am sleep deprived. I only want what is best for him so I will let him go tomorrow. The Vet will be here at 4 pm. It’s too early. It will always be too early. I looked at pictures all night. He brought us so much joy and happiness. He was perfect. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anything this way. We do not have kids so I was able to spend every minute with him. Our weekends were spent hiking in the mountains. Dancing on the cliffs , swimming in the lakes. Summer, winter, spring and fall. His favorite time ( and mine) was the fall. I would love when the leaves started to turn and the air was cool and we could do 8 or 10 miles on a Saturday. This fall will be hard. He would go into the backyard at night and rub up against the sage bush. I love to let him in and smell the sage on his beautiful coat. It was intoxicating to me, my favorite. He dug a ditch underneath the cedar where he would hide his toys and balls. Our garden is riddled with half buried stuffed animals and other dog toys. It is his garden. He walked through it everyday and night for 11 years. Nothing will be the same. Fall was followed by the winter hikes. The lake would freeze and we could walk across it. We would come home and defrost, eat a big meal and sit in front of the fireplace. Nothing will be the same. We wrapped presents for him and put them under the tree. He would love to tear the paper off them and would wait his turn , He is such a good boy. He is so obedient. He is gentle and sweet. He takes treats from your hand so slowly and gently. My wife taught him that. He is a gentleman. I’m not doing well with this. It is painful and still steals my breathe. I pray that I can be strong tomorrow. I want to be strong for him. He deserves to rest now. God please help me be strong for him. He deserves to go peacefully with no stress . No sadness. Surrounded by love. . I pray that I can give him this last gift. I love my Elvis. I love him so much. God please help me.
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Blue_Laura

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Reply with quote  #34 
Another beautiful post and more tears from me.  Please know I am thinking of you and Elvis on this day.  You are giving him the hardest gift to give- releasing him from his body that no longer serves him.  You will be lifting him up.  The love between you will not die and his soul will live on. 
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #35 
Such an eloquent post that once again brought me to tears.

I know that pain all too well. It's been exactly 6 weeks since I had made my appointment and waited anxiously for the vet to come to my house. My heart breaks for you, but you are doing what's right by your Elvis. His body has fulfilled its purpose. While we were waiting for the sedative to kick in I kept telling Mill that we were taking away her broken body so her spirit could live on. I was ending the life of her body, but her spirit would finally be free.

All of those reminders at home will feel bittersweet at 1st, but later will be replaced with happy ones. He knows you love him with your heart and soul and he loves you back. You are as Blue_Laura put it lifting him up.

You, your wife and Elvis will be in my thoughts today.

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Diana

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #36 
My Elvis is gone. He had so much energy his last day, we started to have second thoughts. Maybe we could wait another week. Then we talked about the daily routine of a typical day. Constantly cooking fresh food, feeding every 2 or three hours because he could only tolerate a half a cup or so anymore and he would throw it up. Changing the blankets on his beds upstairs and down and worst of all, watching him strain to poop. Nothing coming out, or very small amounts. He would grunt and groan. Clearly it hurt him, and he was so frustrated. He developed pressure ulcers on his hind quaters from no muscle. They hurt him. He changed positions all the time and did not sleep more than 2 or 3 hours at a time and neither did we. But most of all he was wasting. He weighed only 62 pounds. His normal weight was 75 to 77 and at one point he was 82 a little over weight but he wore it well. His ribs were visible on both sides he lost the beautiful muscles in his big head and around his face making him look sick. He was withering away and I was hoping to come home one day and he would not get up , but Injust could bear it anymore. I believe he was suffering and that I owe it to him to end this. It was difficult because we went to the park yesterday and he was in the muddy pond chasing frogs with a tennis ball in his mouth ( he carried one everywhere) and swimming. He chased a squirrel which he hasn’t done in a while. He wanted to play fetch, while he hadn’t done in a while and he bound through the stream moving around rocks and sticks looking for more frogs or chipmunks to chase. He was almost his old self, if not for his physical condition. My wife and I were confused. Why this sudden change. It was like he had this burst of energy. We came home and gave him a bath like we did the first day he came home. His body was so skinny. He came out of the bath and after we towel dried him he finished the job by rubbing himself all around our bed, claiming his territory. My wife wrapped him in a blanket ( which he loves) and all three of us ate creamed farina with brown sugar and butter. We had 1 and a half hours to wait. We lied on the floor together . I told him how much I love him and how much of a good boy he is over an d over again. I kissed his beautiful face and soaked in his smell as much as I could, I did not cry , I just kept petting him and kissing him and loving him. The Vet came . I felt sick. He greeted her and we asked her what she thought. She told us that she believed what we were doing was brave. He will only get worse and he is suffering to some degree already. He can not enjoy a meal or go to the bathroom and his stomach and intestines are inflamed and hurt all the time. He can not absorb any nutrients and as a result he is starving. His body had begun to use muscle for energy and he was wasting. He could still go upstairs and take walks ( slowly) and do everything on his own and that is how I want to remember him. On Friday August 31st at 6:01 pm Elvis was put to rest , his head in my hands, my lips on his check.. I kept telling him what a good boy he was over and over. Good boy Elvis , love- love. Good boy Elvis, and he was gone. My heart skipped a beat, I swear it. I fell to pieces and sobbed like I have never done before. I felt horrible, there was no relief, no reassurance we did the right thing, in fact I felt worse. I felt like I betrayed him . He trusted me to let the Vet do this and now he’s gone. I am struggling. In my heart I know I made the right decision. In my head I am unsure and confused. We will leave the house 5his weekend and stay at a bed and breakfast. I can not be here. Waking up,this morning without him brought us both to tears. I am still suffering, only he is not here now. I hope that he is free from all the ailments that we battled. I pray for peace in my heart and some kind of healing to begin. I am exhausted.
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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #37 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I had been thinking about you yesterday. I know it will be difficult to align the head with the heart. We know that we've done the right thing, yet it feels like betrayal. 

Millie too had a really great day at the beach and I too was in doubt thinking that I shouldn't let her go 2 days from then, but as that Friday approached she grew significantly worse and I knew it was right.

If you had waited another few days he more than likely would have gotten worse and the stress on the 3 of you would have increased.

You ended his life on such a fantastic note. He had fun, he enjoyed his regular activities one last time. You gave him the gift of those pleasures, then took away all of his pain and discomfort.

The path in your near future will be a rocky one, but know that it will get better. It's very hard to imagine, but you've set his spirit free and he will always be with you. You will need time to mourn and grieve your best friend. This process will take many twists and turns and will not make any sense. If you are able to, just let it flow and take its course.

My thoughts are with you and your wife today on your 1st day without your Elvis. Wishing you strength and healing.

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Diana

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Blue_Laura

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Reply with quote  #38 
My heart goes out to you.  Losing your "heart" dog is an unspeakable loss and the grief can be all consuming and unbearable.  Elvis is worth every minute of that grief.  What a wonderful life you shared together.  What a beautiful send off you gave your best friend.  You definitely honored him and I believe you managed to do it at just the right time.  He will not suffer through the worst and his soul does live on.  This is goodbye for awhile, not forever.  Yes, it does get better but it will take a very long time.  

Nothing in the sorrow of Elvis dying can take away from the joy you had together.

One day, you will no longer remember the wrenching grief at his passing.

It is real and savage, but also transitory.

The joy will remain.

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #39 
I am stricken with grief, it paralyzes me. I second guess my decision all the time. Was it too soon? We could have had another week or so, but at what cost? He couldn’t poop. He kept straining and pushing. He would grunt and groan and walk around the yard hunched over. It broke my heart. He wasn’t eating much. We were feeding every few hours, and at the end he did not want beef or pork, just cookies. His last meal was a big bowl of creamed farina with butter and brown sugar. I fed it to him with my fingers. I loved to feel his tongue and teeth eating from my hand. So intimate. So trusting. I love him with all of me. He was my buddy. It all happened so quickly. Now I am lost. We tried to go away for the weekend, but once we got to the hotel, we wanted to be home. We left the next morning and came home. The house is empty. It is quite. He is everywhere. His beds. His bowl. I can’t put them away. I keep smelling his winter jacket wondering how long it will retain his smell. I am broken. I cry all the time. Everyday. I wake up and don’t want to get up. I just want to sleep so I can escape this nightmare I am living.i do not want to return to work tomorrow. I do not want to do anything. It is consuming me. I feel empty. I feel like a part of me is missing. My heart says it was the right thing to do, but my brain could not accept what we were doing on that day. I am sick.i am lost. I want so badly to touch him. Kiss him, look into that beautiful intelligent face and tell him how much I love him. I will never be the same. Thank you Diana and Laura for your kind words and helping us make some sense of this horrible time.


Nothing in the sorrow of Elvis dying can take away from the joy you had together. Thank God for this gift.

I hope that the rest will be true.

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #40 
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. it's a horrible feeling. You did what was best for him. Doing what is best for them means that we take on the pain for them once they are gone. The greater the love, the greater the pain. It's disorienting and feels so unreal. Being away feels wrong, but being home without him feels unbearable, as if it could break us into 1000's of little pieces.

Take his winter coat and place it into a heavy duty ziplock bag. I have Millie's sweaters in one to stop time in those last moments where they were still here. Keep his things out for as long as you need to. Some things I put away in her doggie closet, but others like her bed in the living room and the huge memorial area that takes up the entire fireplace will stay. Her eating tray in the kitchen stays out. You do whatever it takes to get through the day.

Going to work will feel impossible. I hope you will have enough diversion to get you through that 1st work day. That 1st week will feel so raw and insurmountable, but it will get better over time. You will begin to remember more of the happy times rather than those last moments. You gave your boy the gift of releasing his spirit from his broken and frail body. Always remember that. One week more would have been a much worse experience for you both.

I remember waiting for the vet to come to let her go and during that single hour Millie's belly swelled up at least another inch and her organs began shutting down. The changes took place within a few minutes. The disease progressed so quickly. An extra day would have been horrible, a week more, impossible. It was the right time for my Millie just as it was the right time for your Elvis.

We're left behind to carry the burden we took from them so they can be at peace. It was an act of grace that you provided. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

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Diana

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Blue_Laura

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Reply with quote  #41 
I have read literally hundreds of posts and articles regarding grief and second guessing is simply a part of it.  Knowing that still did not stop me from second guessing during the "aftermath" though.  Sometimes I wonder if there was also an element of PTSD involved.  What you experienced was traumatic and happened so quickly that it takes some time to process.  It was a tremendous act of love that you showed Elvis by letting him go, but it was traumatic for you.

Losing Blue was the worst experience if my life.  He was my reason for living and I lost my reason to live after he was gone.  I lost 15 pounds I could not afford to lose and nothing mattered to me.  I was going through the motions of living.  In the early days time moved so slowly. My world had ended and people did not understand.  This forum helped me cope and I think I was on it 24/7 reading posts.  I did not believe my grief would get better or that I would ever accept losing Blue.  It has gotten better and I have accepted it. Everything will get better in time, lots of time.

"Terminal lucidity" is the term for the surge of energy that people near death experience.  For ~ 50% of people, it happens on the day they pass.  Who is to say that it cannot happen for animals as well?  It seems that it happened for Elvis.

I hung an 8 X 10 pic of Blue on my fridge along with the following saying.  I think that is what Elvis would want for you as well.

Grieve not

Nor speak of me with tears

But laugh and talk of me

As if I was beside you...

I loved you so

Twas heaven here with you



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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #42 
Last night I had the chills. All night I was freezing and sweating, changing my shirt every hour, looking at the clock counting the hours until I have to go to work. I feel awful. Today was the first morning I left for work and didn’t kiss Elvis on the head and tell him see you later buddy. It was strange and I cried hard. His bed is there with one of his jackets and a toy on it. I can not get the image of him lying on our floor, trusting as the Vet pushed the chemicals that would take his life. This feeling of guilt is horrible.. I tell myself that we did right by him, my head says so, but my heart aches, literally. Our house is just a shell. It is blanketed in sadnesses. I am lost. I am supposed to fly to Georgia on Thursday to attend my neices wedding on Friday. I do not want to go. She is my God daughter, she is close to me and wants me there, most of my family is already there. My wife thinks it’s a good idea to go and get away. I’m in no mood to party. Sometimes I hear him come up the stairs and I lose my breathe. Yesterday a delivery man rang our doorbell, and there was no bark. That strong , protecting bark was not there. I did not feel like I was home. It was foreign. I cried hard, again. I’m sobbing and weeping like I never have before. I too have lost my reason to live. I am grateful for the kind words and sharing of your experiences Laura and Diana. I don’t have anyone (besides my wife) who understands. I sometimes feel like I’m losing my mind. The image of his dead lifeless body haunts me. I wish I were stronger. I can not stop second guessing. It all happed so quickly. There was not enough time to process it. I did my best. I have regrets. I should have done this or that. I make myself crazy. I get on this merry-go-round and can’t get off. The sadness is deeper than anything I have felt before. I did not have this degree of sadness when my own father died. I feel guilty saying that, but it’s the truth. I suppose I have never loved anything as much as I loved Elvis. He was my world. It never got old. We hiked so much when he was younger. From ages 1 to 6 we would hike up to a mountain top lake in a local state park. I camped there as a boy. He would stand on this rock and wait for the fish to come to the surface, then throw himself into the water on top of them and swim in circles only to get right back up on the rock and do it all again. He could stay there for hours chasing fish. I would throw bread to coax the fish up . It was his favorite. We swam together in that lake every summer.He never wanted to leave. I had to pull him from that rock when it was time to hike down. He would not leave. I would pack up and start walking down the trail and he would just sit on that rock and look at me and bark. I would say come on boy we’ll come back next week. Nope. He would budge. It was one of the only times I would have to put a leash on him,just to get going. I’m grateful that I have it on video.. I would not leave him for more than a night so our vacations were spent driving 10 hours to North Carolina and staying in a beech house. He loved the beech. We went there when he was 6, 7,8, and 9. For 4 years we packed up the car and took a road trip. The three of us. We were a team. A pack. Now we are not. The pack is no more. I am broken. I am a shell of the man I used to be. I have no drive, no desire. I am so sad I am making myself ill. God please help me.
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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #43 
When my girl died I felt I’d lost all reason. This house was a home because of her, this property was hers she owned it, the binder between my husband and myself was her. I was lost and frozen in time with no desire for well, anything
He is your best friend, your canine soulmate, your four legged child. Your days and nights had a routine and he’s always in it. You shared your vacations, they were dependent on his involvement, and pleasure
Your grief is epic because you’ve lost the physical presence of your everything, your child on fours. Your grief is a fathers grief and maybe deeper. The unconditional love is not equated in any human form
I really understand not wanting to go to your goddaughters wedding. I had to excuse myself from my best friends wedding 2 nights before she died. I just couldn’t, and I haven’t been to anything or any kind of celebration since. I’m in mourning and can’t celebrate another’s joy as it should be. I just don’t have it to give, and I’ve learned it’s ok.
I wish you so much comfort in knowing you’ve shared such a profound gift, an unequal love between two hearts. That’s what you have and always will,,,,,

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Millie18

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Reply with quote  #44 
Grief can be physically completely debilitating. I felt woozy and could barely get up without feeling like I was going to faint. You'll need to go easy on yourself. Slow down as much as you can at work. You are completely raw and your body is trying to cope with the shock of his loss. 

Yes, your heart will be screaming and the guilt will creep in, but you know deep down that it was what you had to do. There was no choice. His body was going and you just helped release him from his discomfort.

Yes, leaving and coming home to the empty house will be excruciating. Moments like the mailman coming and no barking are those very difficult moments that we have to endure. It does in fact feel like we are losing our minds. I felt that way for the 1st 2 weeks. I felt very schizophrenic. Moments of sobbing, then happy memories, then the repeated shock that she was gone forever. Waves of pain just swooped in and carried my emotions away. It's all a normal part of the process feeling out of control emotionally. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.

I felt the same. I mourned my father's passing the same way, however it was fairly short-lived because I didn't live with him. I would visit and go home to hug my dogs. We are closer to our dogs because we live with them, sleep with them, eat with them, we're a pack, as you stated. Living without the pack is empty and hollow. Living without my father is sad, but he was always at a distance, so it's just not the same type of life sharing.

I would have trouble going to that wedding even after 6 weeks. I still try to stay away from crowds when I have the choice. It's just too overwhelming. I hope you can find a way to make it work for you. Maybe go, but not stay the entire time? Always have an out plan - a place you can go to be by yourself.

Those outings with Elvis sound amazing! What a fantastic life you had together. What a great dad you were! Elvis had the time of his life enjoying the outdoors with you. I would want to be your dog! You should be so proud of yourself and of your Elvis boy. You shared a fantastic life.

You  will become a different man after this experience. It changes us. I have been changed by the experience. I'm not sure who I will be in the future. I just know that I am not the same person I was before I rescued Millie. She inspired me. She survived living on the streets somehow with dogs that were twice her size. She fought a brave battle with lymphoma just like your Elvis did. I'm so proud of my Millie, proud of who she was when I took her in and proud of who she became. She made me a better person and eventually I will pass it on to the next abandoned dog I take in.

For now I uphold her memory by assisting in her nose work class helping out her former class mates. We will need to find a new purpose in life because the biggest one has been taken away from us. Our routines have been shattered, our worlds are upside down.

It will take time and patience with ourselves to create a new normal.

I will be thinking about you this week. 

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Peteyd

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Reply with quote  #45 
My Elvis is gone. It is a reality that I do not want to accept. My heart is broken, I am sad all the time. Life seems so insignificant. What is the point. My depression deepens, I go further down into darkness. I get small amounts of joy looking at pictures. It’s all I do. Nothing interests me at all. I am grateful that I have lots of pictures and video of our hikes. We spent so much time together in the woods, it was my favorite. I would make fresh beef liver treats for him. And peanut butter and honey sandwiches for me I would fill my backpack with sandwiches a bathing suit towels fresh shirt and socks first aid kit my camera strapped to the harness and a bladder filled with water. . A bag of trail mix on one side of my cargo shorts and his treats on the other side and we would set out for the day. I would mark the trails we did on a trail map and for a while I kept track of how many miles we did. We walked enough to go from New York to California. After we broke 3 thousand miles I stoped tracking.We hiked seriously for 5 or 6 years before we slowed down. There is a lake down the road that’s 2 miles around and we would do that daily during the week . On Saturday we would pack up the gear and do 8 or 10 miles 20 or 30 miles a week adds up quick. We bonded in the woods. I trained him to come when I blew a whistle. He was awesome. We would hit the trailhead and he would take off like a rocket . He would run off the trail and up the mountain if he got out of my sight I would blow the whistle and he would be at my feet waiting for that liver in a second. He was awesome. On a day where we did 5 or 6 miles , he easily did double that running in those woods. The reward was the swim at the lake. We would swim together and he would chase fish all day long. In June I would pick blueberries, they grew wild up there. We hiked all year around. Once on a winter hike he cut his back paw pretty bad. The snow had a hard layer of ice on top and he nearly ripped one of his pads off. I pulled out the first aid kit and put some liquid bandage on it, wrapped it up and we headed down. I was so worried. He wasn’t. He was awesome. We got close in those woods me and Elvis. I loved spending time with him and was in awe of his physical abilities. One time we came across a ledge that could only be accessed by climbing a wooden ladder made of 4 x 4 s . It was only about 4 feet or so. I climbed up that ladder and he looked up at me and started to whine and bark. I told him come on buddy you could do it , and that dog scurried up that ladder. I have it on video! He was awesome. We were like a team when we headed out , each time a new adventure. I can see him all beautiful and strong tearing around on those trails. I’m glad I have some of it on video I get some joy looking at these things, but it is only momentarily, then the sadness comes hard. I have some regrets. My wife says I should not, I was a good “Dad” . I could have been better, he was. He was the best. I miss my Elvis terribly. It hurts . I do not know how I will get a long without him. I have not been out in our backyard since he left us on Friday. I can not go out there. It was his yard. His garden. It’s littered with half buried toys. He buried one by the gutter on Friday an hour before the vet came. He was a good boy. So smart and so gentle. I miss him so much. I can not stop crying. I cry all the time. Tomorrow I will leave for Georgia for my neices wedding. It will be a distraction. I will look at the terrain and think of him. It’s what I do. I love him so much. I wish I had more time with him. God help me with this. Thank you Diana, Laura, and Lynn for your kind words and suggestions. They help. I am grateful for this place. I think it helps some. I’m not sure, but I think it does..
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