I completely understand. I went through what you are going through now.
The strength needed to keep going, putting on a brave face to make sure we don't stress them. I did pretty well considering, but only because I told myself to enjoy her, just enjoy her, enjoy her. I cried and sobbed and apologized to her for not knowing sooner that she probably had been sick for quite a while, but showed no signs. I sobbed and then I was good to go again for another day. I did the same, up every 3 hours to get her out to go potty. I ended up camped out with her in the living room so she didn't have to travel so far to the back door. It feels unreal and unfair for sure. I'm so glad to hear you were able to have some fun. Those small joys now will sustain you later. It will be an honor for you to take care of him, to hand feed him tenderloin, to feed him ice cream off of a spoon. Those are the small joys you still have to cling onto. Love him for as long as you can. You have already been making him proud. He loves and appreciates you as well. I'm glad you booked a room for your 1st night without him. I slept with the lights on that 1st night. I was afraid to go to sleep. The days thereafter I had the tv on, built her memorial, spent days sorting through pictures, writing her story. Just do whatever it takes to keep your sanity. It sounds like you've been taking all the right steps for you and for him. Not easy steps by any means. I totally understand those feelings of love and the dread of losing that love. Know that his spirit will always be with you. I know it's not something you can fathom right now, but just know that he will be. Sending you strength and will thinking about you.
Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy