Peteyd Show full post »
Millie18
Pete,

I'd been thinking about you this weekend. I know how hard they've been for you. Sending you more serenity.

If you can ever make it I've found the Monday night candle lighting ceremony very healing, as well as setting up weekly memorial pages for my pups when I was hurting very badly.
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Peteyd
Summerbear Iam sorry for your loss. I wish I could offer some words of comfort that would help, but I know there is nothing that will ease the pain. It is time to grieve now. It is a process. It is different for everyone, but the same. It will be difficult. I know how you are feeling and I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. My Elvis was full of energy on his last day. We went to the park and he chased squirrels and frogs, swam in the pond and played with his tennis ball like a typical day at the park. We came home and I gave him a bath and cut his nails. I feed him creamed farina with brown sugar and butter using my first two fingers as a spoon. I wanted to feel him. He took food so gently from you. So sweet. We almost called the vet and told her not to come. The term for this burst of energy is called terminal lucidity with humans. Blue Laura pointed out to me, this can probably happen with animals as well. It did with my Elvis, and it sounds like Summer had a similar experience. They are so in tune with us. Soulmates. Take solace that she was wagging her tail and kissing everyone. She left on a high note. My Elvis did too. We are lucky. Blessed really. It just seems so awful right now, I know. Please be kind to yourself . Be gentle. Diana is to thank for that. Diana and Lynn kept me from loosing my mind early on. There are people here who understand what you are going through. I do. I’m sorry Summerbear. I bet Summer was amazing. I’d love to hear what she was like, and what she liked to do. My Elvis was a quirky Pit bull. What breed was summer? Please keep writing, I think it helps. I will pray for peace in your heart. It will come. At first just for a few seconds. Then minuets. Then hours. I get hours of stillness and calm. But it’s still tough. I cried for 46 days. I still cry. I cried today on the way to work. It’s hard. I miss him terribly. I keep coming here. I keep reaching out. I write. I listen to others who walked this path before me. Diana I tried to go to the ceremony, I’m not sure how to do it. I could use some help . My weekends are still horrible. I’m so uncomfortable here. I’m lost. I rush through my week like I always did to get to the weekend, and now the weekend is painful. I still have a tough time in the backyard. I’m running on now. Thank you all for being here. Love to all who pass by here.

Pete
Peteyd
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Millie18
Pete,

Regarding the candle lighting ceremony 

Here's the link to the main page:

https://rainbowsbridge.com/CandleLighting_Tribute/default.htm

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Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Peteyd
Thank you for the instructions, I appreciate it. I will check it out for sure. I’m still struggling. I get moments where I’m ok, but if I’m being honest, it’s just because I’m busy and not thinking about him. When he pops into my mind, my heart still sinks. We still have all his things out. The little female Pit bull we watched used his bowl . It was weird, but I was ok with it. Today is day 67. I still struggle every morning when I see the beautiful trees. Our absolute favorite season, the fall. I tattooed in on my body. I will forever think of my buddy when the leaves turn. I pray it is not ruined forever. The beautiful colors only bring sadness now. I’m trying to see the beauty, but I’m stuck. I only pine for him now. I look at the mountains on my way to work and my eye goes to the way up. The hidden trail, the incline, how would we get up there. I’m trained. The weekend is still foreign. I’m lost. I toil all week to get there and when it comes I’m lost. My wife planned things in the beginning. We went out the first few weeks. A distraction. Now I sit and have my coffee on Saturday morning and wonder what to do. I have things I can do but Im mostly not interested. We put away all of the summer furniture. Took all the plants inside. Readied the yard for winter. I long for my Elvis to brush himself a long the sage bush and come inside with that scent. No more. I still go to the slider to let him out before bed. I’m trained. I know he’s not here, but I still go. Sometimes I think I make it harder. I don’t know what else to do. I made a beautiful picture of his paw prints in the different seasons. I will frame it and hang it in our new home. We are supposed to start renovating in January. I have little interest, but it would be a good change for us. It’s a smart move for us. I only think of him. I miss him so much. Sometimes I think to myself, if you knew it would be this hard, would you still have got him? I don’t know. Just another thing to ponder. I should be grateful. He gave us so much. Endless love. Understanding. Loyalty. Laughter. Protection. I miss you Elvis. I’m still here looking for you. Please find me buddy. I will practice these things I know can help me. I’m here. Waiting. Forever.
Peteyd
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Peteyd

Diana
Thank you for the instructions, I appreciate it. I will check it out for sure. I’m still struggling. I get moments where I’m ok, but if I’m being honest, it’s just because I’m busy and not thinking about him. When he pops into my mind, my heart still sinks. We still have all his things out. The little female Pit bull we watched used his bowl . It was weird, but I was ok with it. Today is day 67. I still struggle every morning when I see the beautiful trees. Our absolute favorite season, the fall. I tattooed in on my body. I will forever think of my buddy when the leaves turn. I pray it is not ruined forever. The beautiful colors only bring sadness now. I’m trying to see the beauty, but I’m stuck. I only pine for him now. I look at the mountains on my way to work and my eye goes to the way up. The hidden trail, the incline, how would we get up there. I’m trained. The weekend is still foreign. I’m lost. I toil all week to get there and when it comes I’m lost. My wife planned things in the beginning. We went out the first few weeks. A distraction. Now I sit and have my coffee on Saturday morning and wonder what to do. I have things I can do but Im mostly not interested. We put away all of the summer furniture. Took all the plants inside. Readied the yard for winter. I long for my Elvis to brush himself a long the sage bush and come inside with that scent. No more. I still go to the slider to let him out before bed. I’m trained. I know he’s not here, but I still go. Sometimes I think I make it harder. I don’t know what else to do. I made a beautiful picture of his paw prints in the different seasons. I will frame it and hang it in our new home. We are supposed to start renovating in January. I have little interest, but it would be a good change for us. It’s a smart move for us. I only think of him. I miss him so much. Sometimes I think to myself, if you knew it would be this hard, would you still have got him? I don’t know. Just another thing to ponder. I should be grateful. He gave us so much. Endless love. Understanding. Loyalty. Laughter. Protection. I miss you Elvis. I’m still here looking for you. Please find me buddy. I will practice these things I know can help me. I’m here. Waiting. Forever

PS. Got my names confused. I just wanted to tell you that I am grateful for your support. I am all signed up for the Monday night candle ceremony. I hope that you are moving forward and healing too. I have been meaning to say that Millie is beautiful and looks like she was so smart. I’m sure that she was lucky to have such a compassionate, caring Mom. Thank you Diana.
Peteyd
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Millie18
No worries re the name 😊

Yes, being busier is helping. I haven't been to the forum as much lately due my busyness as well. I love your idea of the paw print artwork. I hope it helps you to continue celebrating his life and your lives together. 
The renovation project sounds like a big one. That will definitely keep you very busy. I think the more we try to hang on to all of the memories and cling onto them too tightly, they can give us more pain. When we are able to let the pain ebb and flow I have found that it just flows through me and releases more quickly. it's definitely a challenge. Sometimes we cling onto the pain because we're afraid that once we let go of it, we'll be left with nothing - as if the connection will leave us, so we think it's better to be in that black hole with them than the possibility that our connection to them will fade. I clung onto Roman, my previous pup after she passed and I was doing so poorly for quite a long time. Once I had the courage to let her go I felt better and the positive memories came flooding back.

It's such a tough process and it's so different with each dog. 

I'm so glad I've been able to help pull you through along with other forum friends. I think I will be able to make Monday's ceremony as well. Note that it moves along very quickly in a chat room type of format live, so if it goes too quickly for you don't despair, just hang in there and read if you don't feel like writing. As I've gone along I've created a document so I can just cut and paste in my personal prayers. I hope it will give you some comfort.

Mill was smart, but in more of a street smarts way having survived the streets up until I got her at around 5 yrs old. She was the strongest and toughest of all my dogs and she was only about 1/3 of their size. I feel gratitude for having had her in my life. She taught me so much that I will be passing along to my next dog, which I am gearing up for. She's definitely not a dog I would have chosen for myself due to her high energy level, I would definitely take on all of those challenges I experienced with her all over again. She really pushed me and challenged me and I grew so much through her.

I'm going to visit family in Europe over Christmas and then when I get back I will be seriously looking at what type of dog, possibly 2 dogs I will want to take in. It depends on my horribly unstable work situation and schedule. But the fact that I am feeling more ready to take in a new dog is huge. This Friday will be 4 mths. That's the longest I have ever been without a dog in the house in 15 years. I hope that one day you will be ready again to take in a new pup. You and your wife will make a wonderful pet parent to a pup in need.

Wishing you a good week 💗
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Peteyd
Diana,
You are right about hanging on too tightly. By the time I let things go of things they usually have claw marks in them! I wish that I were simply grateful for the eleven wonderful years, rather than regretting and reliving the very few bad memories. I am getting better but it is such a slow process for me. Sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back. It can be frustrating. I have mixed feelings about moving after living in my home for 13 years. We created a nice little nest here and Elvis was here almost the entire time. I believe in my heart that a fresh start will be good for us both, not to mention it will cut my already very long commute in half, it is in a nicer area, and it will be a smarter investment for us as we are getting older. I am tempted to get a new pup , but My wife and I agree that we should try to take advantage of the new found freedom. We used to take two small vacations a year before we had Elvis. I did not get on an airplane for 10 years while we had him! After 8 years my wife said, if you won’t go with me , I will go with my sister. So off she went to Mexico while Elvis and I stayed home and hiked in the beautiful mountains and just did the things we did all the time. I never once resented it. In fact I rather enjoyed it, us boys alone eating pizza (he loved the crust) and watching TV in front of the fireplace after a day in the mountains. What could be better? I really embraced the home life, and couldn’t wait to get home to him weather I was at work or we were at a party or whatever it was that caused us to be separated. Being in his presence just made me feel “home”. I miss that as much as I miss him. This “lost” feeling is just horrible.
Eroupe sounds amazing, what part? Travel will certainly be less complicated without having a pet to consider. The tough of getting another dog does excite me. We have been to the shelter a few times and already did the paperwork. We are hoping to foster as we agreed not to make a complete commitment during the renovation. We are hoping to start building / renovating in January, that will for sure keep us both busy. Times are changing. Always. I will check out The Monday memorial for sure. Thanks for your help with that, and with everything. There is nobody that really understands, but the two or three people I correspond with here. I’m grateful I found this site, I think it has helped. Wishing you and everyone here a great weekend and for the healing process to move forward and make a difference.
Peteyd
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SummerBear2018
I am glad things seem to be getting better for you Peteyd. you sound like an amazing dog dad, and I think you should definitely think about making room for a new little guy. So many need homes. I know how you feel about doubting your decision to ever get a dog - the pain I feel today makes me feel like I can never go through this again. I loved having my Summer girl when she was here - now that she is gone, I feel like I am forever changed, and I don't think it is for the best. 


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Peteyd
Came across some pics of my buddy. I am missing him terribly this weekend. Elvis the 80 pound lap dog! A pic of him as a puppy, waking me up. Elvis was the best at frisbee too! I miss you buddy.
Peteyd
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Tankie12
He’s just the coolest dude!! That’s an awesome frisbee jump!
Your heart will never stop hurting and missing Elvis. You loved him, as simple as that sounds it’s just the way it is. It’s an honor to have loved and been loved the way we have, and it had a harsh price to pay.
I wouldn’t have missed it for the world as angry, broken and lost as I still feel the time with my girl has been the time of my life.
From her first cry as a newborn baby left to die under my shed, to her last sound before her final breath, *This*, the reality of the end I’ll take it all because she is the best thing to have happened to me.
Tat updates?,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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SummerBear2018
He is so beautiful! I love the picture of him on your lap. He is such a special pup and seemed like he had the best life. So many dogs' lives are chained up or left outside without any love. Elvis had the best life and got to experience so many things. He is so very lucky! 
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Millie18
Pete,

I loooove the paw print artwork and those photos. Look at that tiny little pup and then the full-blown athlete, but also lap dog. Fantastic pictures! Thank you so much for sharing them with us. I'm glad you are able to look at them a little more each day.

Yes, traveling only after my last dog passes. Roman passed in 2014, so I went to see my family in Germany the summer thereafter. This time Mill passed in the summer and I will see family over Christmas. I never minded not traveling, so I understand your being perfectly happy staying home with Elvis eating pizza while your wife went on vacation.

I'm so glad you have come to a point where you and your wife are considering fostering a new pup. I'll see where I'm at once I get back from my trip. You'll be busy with your renovation project in the new year. 

I hope you are having a good weekend with less pain and more Elvis happy moments.


Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Peteyd
Today is 73 days that you are gone. We finished getting the yard ready for winter and it was so hard to be in the yard without you. I checked the bone you buried , it’s still there. I’m doing my best to move forward but it is very hard without you. I thought I heard you coming up the stairs Friday night. My heart skipped a beat. Just for a split second, I went back in time. My mind caught up and I was let down. Mom insists on leaving one of your tennis balls in the screened in porch. It’s right where you left it. She won’t let me bring it in the house. I picked up a few out of the garden. I will keep them. Forever. I have a hard time writing or talking about you without crying. I still cry . A lot. I think I’m dealing with your passing a little better, but sometimes I’m not sure. Like Lynn said it’s one step forward and two steps back. Diana suggested a Monday night candle ceremony. I will go tonight. I will honor you. I’m so happy that I tattooed you on my chest. I’m able to smile when I look at it. It looks exactly like you buddy. Reading some of the stories here has really helped. I was lucky to have you for eleven years. I was lucky to have spent time in the mountains with you. I was lucky to have swam together with you, played frisbee, and ball. We loved to play wiffle ball in the backyard. Me , you, and Mom. It was tough to teach you not to crush the plastic wiffle ball when you would play the field and retrieve it. No problem, I just bought a dozen at a time. You would get so excited when you fielded a ground ball or caught a pop up because Mom and I would get competitive. You were the automatic fielder . Nothing got by you. Hardly ever. Such fun. God I will miss that Elvis.
I don’t like being in the yard anymore buddy. I miss you. So much. It’s not the same back there without you. It’s so quiet. Lifeless. This winter will be tough. The first everything is tough. I think about you all the time. I know I must sound like a broken record. The only people who I can talk to are here at this website. And Mom. I’m grateful for this place and the couple of people who listen, and respond. It has helped me. I am grateful. The weekends are still hard for me. We went to the park every single weekend. For years. All year around. I’m lost. I really miss you buddy. I’m not sure what else I can say. I love you so much Elvis. I wish you would touch me somehow. I’m trying to stay “open” and listen. I’m going to yoga 3 times a week. I’m mediating. I’m listening for you. Looking. Waiting. I love you Elvis. Forever buddy. 🐾❤️
Peteyd
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Millie18
Thinking about you this week. Making your way through another one.
You've come so far. You worked in the yard readying it for the next season, you're going to Yoga, meditating, going to the shelter and considering another dog for your new future. Elvis is never far away, especially with that tattoo. You carry him with you always. He'll never be far away from you - close to your heart. I hope he visits you one day 💗
Diana

Mom to Millie, Roman, Snoopy & step sister to O'Boy
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Peteyd
Thanks Diana,
I really hope he visits me too. More than anything. I try and stay “open” and work at mediation and yoga. I am trying to move forward. The sadness just creeps in and gets a hold sometimes. I do my best to keep busy and keep it at bay, but it still there. We were supposed to go away Thanksgiving week but it’s doubtful now. My mother in law is dying. Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Cancer sucks. I’m at a loss. We were both looking forward to a week of down time away from all of it. Unplug and try to heal a bit. Life threw another curveball at us. I’m feeling so beat down. One step forward and three steps back. Sometimes I feel I’ll never get anywhere. What’s the use ? It would be easy to throw up my hands and sink into despair . I have to make a conscious effort everyday. It can become tiresome.
I am grateful for the continued support here. I don’t know what I’d do without this outlet. I poured through more pictures last night As I was home alone. My wife will stay at her Moms now. Found some great pictures of Elvis at 2 yers old. What a specimen. He was perfect. 75 pounds of muscle. His coat was soft and shiny. His muzzle so dark. His eyes so clear and bright. He oozed intelligence. So beautiful. So strong. I smiled. Then I cried. Then I smiled. And so it went. I looked at pictures until my eyes burned. I stayed up way too late and drained myself emotionally. I will post some more pics. Germany over the holidays sounds just beautiful. Thanks for being a friend. I’m sorry you lost your Millie. She was a cutie. Her coat was similar to my Elvis. Beautiful fawn/ tan/ orange color. She also had that look of intelligence. You can see them “wanting to understand “ trying so hard. Giving it there all. 100 % She was lucky to have found you . And you her, I’m sure of it. These beautiful creatures touch us so deep. So deep. Way down deep in our soul. We are changed forever. I am changed forever.there is no doubt. I miss you buddy. I’m dreading this weekend. Man, sometimes I think it will never stop. Sadness, anxiety, depression. I just move forward the best I can. Keep moving. Hope you are well.
Peteyd
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