hannahsdaddy
How does a person live with themselves when they know they didn't do all they could have done to give their precious pets more time?  I bring this here because i don't know where else to turn and I have to get this off my chest.  i'm too ashamed to tell this to anybody I know for they would rightfully hold me in contempt, as I do myself.  I don't expect understanding or compassion.  i don't deserve any.  I just need to confess this to someone...anyone.  I feel like I betrayed her.  My Hannah, an American Wirehair, passed away Thursday, May 19 at age 15.  She was the daughter I never had.  i loved her so much.  Last May she was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism.  I chose to use medication (topical methimazole) and I was very faithful in administering her medication every day.  It seemed to work for about a year but last Monday she stopped eating completely.  Her not eating wasn't that abnormal.  i'd usually just get her something different and she'd start eating again.  But this time that didn't work.  Her health deteriorated very rapidly and by early morning Thursday, around 3 a.m., she was gone.  I still can't believe how fast she deteriorated.  I chose methimazole over radioiodine treatment because of the cost (I recently left a good paying job to move closer to family and was in a bit of financial hardship because I hadn't found any work here), and because I really don't feel my vet did a very good job of explaining how much better radioiodine therapy was.  I can't blame her though.  I should have researched it myself.  I so wish I would have went with the iodine treatment.  I could have afforded it somehow.  And now I have to live with the fact that my Hannah is gone because I chose cheaper over better, and because I didn't research things on my own.  I believe if I had gone with the radioiodine treatment she would still be with me today and would have lived at least a couple of more years.  Overall I know I gave Hannah a wonderful life, but in the end I also know I should have done more and i'll have to live with that the rest of my life.  She was an awesome cat, my best friend, and deserved better.
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elliemeewiz
I'm so sorry for your loss of Hannah.. hugs to you <3.  We all feel guilty no matter what we did or didn't do for our babies... I think that is just part of the grieving process. There are many things I feel guilty about with Wiz and my other babies, some were out of my control, others not. You have no way of knowing if she would have lived longer with the iodine treatment. You loved her and she knew that... I spoke with someone recently who was letting her older cat die slowly at home, not even taking her to the dvm, while she got thinner and had lumps all over her so don't feel bad. You did what you could and yes if you could go back in time you would probably choose the other treatment, just like I would make many different choices too. I guess we just have to live with the pain and in time forgive ourselves for whatever mistakes we made. 
My beloved sweet Tess August 1999 - February 21 2001
My beloved loyal Byron March 1998 - April 28 2008
My sweet beloved girlie Angelina April 2001- September 2012
Me & my sweet beloved Wizberry forever 1998- April 21, 2016
My sweet beloved Snow Goddess Sybil girlie April 2001- May 11,2018
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CKMP
Hannahsdaddy
I am so so sorry for your loss of Hannah.  And, the guilt . . .  Wow can I every appreciate what you are feeling and how it just eats you up inside.  I too am plagued and tormented by guilt over the decisions I made for my girl. [and it had been over 2 months now]  I know everything I read says this is natural - and only caring, responsible companions experience this.  We do punish ourselves over and over and over again with the should haves, would haves and could haves.  The problem is along with this we do not have a crystal ball that would show 'if we did this, instead of that' she would still be here physically.  We can not know with any certainty this test, or that drug, or another diet would have allowed our companion to 'bounce back' and have their health once again.  Guilt is really an interloper into our grief - it just tears us up as if we were not already thrown into a surreal spiral of emptiness and loneliness.  I mentioned on another post that I am beginning to think that our companions just come to a point in life where they don't want to continue on with 'managed symptoms" as they embrace life each day and live, live. live and enjoy.  Maybe they are far more wise than we could ever know or ever be when it comes to the meaning of being . . .
Take some comfort in knowing there was not one day in 15 years that Hannah did not feel loved and cared for.  She would forgive you for everything and anything - the lesson that is the most difficult to incorporate into our lives is that self-forgiveness.  [I won't take up your space here with my story about research, drugs, vets and tests . .  .for my gone girl]  I do understand your feelings - it sits in the pit of your stomach or the back of your head - and drives you to the depths of sadness and self reproach.  Today is also one of those days for me.  Remember, she loves you still and still is near by - And still feels the love you have for her - Warm thoughts on a tough day and time.
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hannahsdaddy
Thank you both so much for the kind and thoughtful responses. 
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NormaT
PLEASE stop beating yourself with that huge guilt stick you have created!
You do what you think is best at the time - all things considered and including the financial constraints we all have. This is life's reality.
The could have's should have's are common and I think everyone here has experienced these.
As for the guilt - well someone here once described it as Satan's whisper and this is very true. Just when common sense wins and you know you did the right thing (again, all things considered) Satan's whisper tries to tell you otherwise. Ignore it and do something to distract yourself.
Things will get easier but it takes time.
My thoughts are with you.

Norma
Norma 
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hannahsdaddy
Thank you for your kind words, NormaT. 
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winstonsmom12
Hannasdaddy.  Please don't feel guilty.  I was in the same prediciment.  I did not have the money for a lot of testing for my Winston.  I am on Disability.  I am still paying off medical bills for him.  I just knew it was time for him.  He had a lot of symptoms that others on here have described about their own pets.

I believe Winston had much more serious problems than I ever thought.  I knew it was his time.  he went downhill so fast, and had a horrible nagging cough and drank water by the gallons.  I couldnt bear to see him suffer amuy longer.  I still have guilt for not having the money.. I know he is over the bridge happy, healthy and young again.  They will always be with us in our hearts and minds....Forever.  Blessings   Sue
Susan
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Waterboy
I know how you feel. I went to the same thing with a little boy Mr. Mercedes only lasted nine years. From day one he was sick and then when he was too he couldn't walk. So the vets put them on cyclosporine and steroids. And he was good for a couple years. And then was diagnosed with in operable bladder cancer in December. The vet gave him six months. Well after two months he went from 25 pounds 15 I was told that he was now was diabetic. With the reading around 450. I was surprised that he didn't go into diabetic shock. He was throwing up almost every other day. My wife could not take watching the suffering every day and wanted to put him down. As I researched it more the drugs saved him are what was killing him. The Vet wanted to hospitalize him and give him insulin in and switch all his meds over to a cancer fighting drug and double his dosage of cyclophorine, which all came with a host of side effects that could choke a horse. I said to myself if it was mean what would you do it to yourself. I said no and I decided to put him down. It was the worst day of my life. I don't wish that decision on anybody. But in my heart I know it was the right one. I miss him so much every day and wish things could've turned out different. We all have to live with our decisions whether they be good or bad and this is the way life is. Your life is better today because you have a chance to love something so precious.

Phil
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JerseyNonna
hannahsdaddy, i'm so sorry to read of the loss of your dearly loved Hannah.  first, you did nothing wrong with choosing one med over the other since the vet gave you the choice.  letting guilt a free rein in our heads will drive us simply crazier than grief already is making us.  suppose you had chose the radioiodine and Hannah reacted poorly to it and didn't make it as long as she did for you - yes, guilt would have nabbed you on that by saying "should have taken the other treatment".  this guilt is depriving you of grieving and recalling the blessed 15 years you were allowed to have with Hannah and I am certain she would tell you that she would have had you do nothing different and she loves you so very much.  guilt got to me too when I suddenly lost my service dog roxie the evening after Christmas and trust me sweetie, I had so many could've, should've, would've scenarios bouncing around in my mind that in the end many weren't even close reasons for why I lost her.  we do the best we can with the resources we have and the end comes as it has been chosen.  we humans are the ones who put causes or reasons why something happens - we didn't have the money, we had the money but chose not to, we chose to spend limitless amounts, etc, but in the end the course a life takes and how long it takes to reach that end is never up to us.  please know you did all you were supposed to for Hannah as we all did for our loved furbabies.  for me, I had no prior warning that roxie was sick and Christmas day was a fine normal day for us.   after I helped her finish crossing the bridge I longed to have had some forewarning by her showing me she was sick or had an illness.  I stopped thinking that way because knowing I don't want my daughter and loved ones worrying ahead of time of "will this be the day I lose her"...I know roxie would never have put me through that either.  i'm sorry I have to end this because the tears are making it almost impossible for me to see what i'm typing so I will send you many many hugs and remind you that we are all here for you.
JerseyNonna
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hannahsdaddy
Thank you WinstonsMom12, Waterboy and JerseyNonna for your kind and caring replies.  Thank you everyone for all your replies.  They have helped a lot. 
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dkinney
Hi hannahsdaddy,
I'm so sorry about your sweet Hannah. It's very easy to blame yourself in a situation like this. I should know. We lost our sweet Corgi, Jenny, back in January. She had kidney problems. I was unaware that she had any health issue at all. She appeared healthy to me. I should have done research on her breed. I blame myself. She was only 9. She was my heart. She had been with me as I went through a really hard time in my life. I moved from Florida back to my home state to be with family. I too had financial difficulties. Every time Jenny needed a dental cleaning the vet wanted to use anesthesia. I felt that if she had anesthesia too much she might not come out of it. The last time she was due for a cleaning the vet wouldn't do it. She said Jenny had a kidney infection. She put her on antibiotics. Then she said she had fluid around her heart. She let us give her an IV fluid diuretic at home. It didn't work. Jenny couldn't even walk by that time. We took her back to the vet. She told us she wanted to keep her over night. The next morning we got a call telling us she had passed. Her heart gave out. My heart has been broken ever since. You haven't known love until you've had a Corgi. God bless you as you go through this. Take care
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