Bellamum
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Reading all of the comments in this forum reassures me that how I am feeling and behaving is completely normal...I was starting to wonder if I was "losing it". 
We had our gorgeous girl, Bella (beagle) put to sleep 3 weeks ago today and I am struggling.(3rd April 2014).  She was 9 years and 8 months old and was diagnosed with a brain tumour nearly 3 years ago.  It was managed quite successfully, but unfortunately kidney disease can be a side effect of the medication and she was diagnosed with that last December.  She suddenly declined on the 2nd and we spent a very restless night with her.  On the Thursday we all stayed home from work, uni and school to go to the vet to see what he thought (but deep down we all knew what he was going to say).  On that Thursday morning we made the most difficult decision that we have ever made. 
At the time I knew it was the right decision as we all made a promise to her when she was first diagnosed with the brain tumour, that we would not knowingly let her suffer because we loved her too much for that and we had to make decisions in her best interest, not just because we wanted her by our side for as long as we could. BUT, now I am wracked with guilt and am constantly reliving every minute of that last 24 hours and questioning if we acted too hastily.  When I am composed and thinking logically I know in my heart that it was time to let her go, but then I have "panic attacks" of guilt and feelings of betraying her by taking her to end her life.  I don't know how to get past these feelings.
I would never have believed that I could cry so much.....especially first thing in the morning when the realisation hits that she is not here to say good morning to and last thing at night as I climb into bed and look over to the other side of the bed and realise that she will never ever keep me company again and I will never kiss her sweet little head and say goodnight and tell her she is my gorgeous girl and that I love her.
I know it will become more bearable, but at the moment I feel that I am just getting through each day, only to wake and have to do it all over again, putting on a face to pretend that life goes on...when I feel like my heart is broken.
thanks for listening.
Karen
(Bella's mum)

"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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Bellamum

There’s something missing in my home,
I feel it day and night,
I know it will take time and strength
before things feel quite right.
But just for now, I need to mourn,
My heart — it needs to mend.
Though some may say, “It’s just a pet,”
I know I’ve lost a friend.

 

You’ve brought such laughter to my home,
and richness to my days.
A constant friend through joy or loss
with gentle, loving ways.
Companion, friend, and confidante,
A friend I won’t forget.
You’ll live always in my heart,
My sweet, forever pet.

 

– Susanne Taylor


I love you Baby girl and I miss you terribly.  Rest peacefully...I long to hold you, pat you and kiss you once more.
Love,
Mum xxx

Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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whymeow
Dear Karen,

Your heart feels broken because it is. I am so sorry for your loss. I only need look at Bella's picture to understand how much you loved her. RIP beautiful Bella.
Whymeow
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Bellamum
Thank you for your message whymeow
It is so nice to have the grief of losing such a special friend acknowledged by people who really understand how much we are suffering.  And it is nice to be able to share my love for Bella publicly.  It gives me some comfort in being able to pay tribute to her which is something that she so richly deserves.
Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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Shadowlab03
Bella's Mum,
I'm so sorry, Bella is a cutie. I lost my lab, Shadow 4 weeks ago today and I still have such an ache in my heart. These sweet creatures come into our lives and change us for the better. I know I will see my boy again in heaven but that doesn't stop me from missing him so much now. I know what you mean by "am I normal"? Sometimes I'm afraid to tell people my feelings because a lot of them have the idea that, it's just a dog, so I'm really glad I found this site.

Missing our friends is completely normal and grief takes as long as it needs. Everyone grieves in their own way and all the feelings you have about guilt and doubt are all part of the process. We've all gone through it and continue going through it.

God Bless...and may he give you some peace.


(((HUGS)))
Shadow's Mom

I will carry you in my heart forever.
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FrecklesMom
Bella's Mom,

I am so sorry for your loss. I love Bella's photo. What a gorgeous girl. I lost my dog Freckles on 12/27/13 and I still grieve hard for him. Coming here has helped a lot. There are so many caring people here who understand the grief you are going through. There is not a time limit on grieving and many of us we grieve forever. Our pets are part of our families.

Sending big hugs your way. (((HUGS)))
FrecklesMom

I will Love you forever sweet boy.
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phoebegirl
Hugs to you Bella's mum.....I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl.  She was a beauty.  There are no magic words that I can say that will ease the heartache you are feeling now, except that I understand the overwhelming feeling of your loss.  At this stage, your heart and head are not in sync with each other....I think its one of the worse parts of grief.... just be kind to yourself.  I often tell myself that the pain I feel is worth all the moments of happiness and joy that Phoebe , brought to me.... this place is a blessing...I hope you find some comfort here.
Phoebegirl's Mom

always in my heart... never to be forgotten. xoxoxoxoxo
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Mistysmama
Bella is SO beautiful! Look at those beautiful eyes. They are saying "Mom, I love you forever. You just carry that with you through the rest of your life because I haven't forgotten you, and never will."

I think it scares us very deeply, when we have the power of life and death with them, our loved ones. But 'death' to them is not the same as it is for us. They instinctively know it is not the end, and are not afraid like we are. Your sweet Bella has not forgotten you and never will. Though she has passed into her life now in Spirit, that is a very real thing, and her heart still loves you very very much.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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sadieandsugar
I am sorry for your loss of your beautiful Bella, I know how you feel exactly, I lost my SWEET SADIE GIRL and she was my beautiful girl too, just like you, she was a little Pomeranian and so adored and loved and spoiled soooooo much everyday of her life that we had her, we had her for 8 wonderful years but that to us was not long enough, she died way too young, she had diabetes for a while and did quite well with treatment but then her kidneys started shutting down, so we had to say our goodbyes and it was the worst things I have ever done in my lifetime, I will never for get her ever, she was my soulmate, my daughter, my furkid and my best best friend 4-life!!!!! so please email me if you ever need to talk I would love to hear more about your baby girl. you take care. sadiesmommy
my sweet sadie girl she was a pomeranian and she was the sweetest little girl ever, she loved every one and she loved life in general she was my child because my husband and I could never have kids of our own, so she was definately our daughter, she was thebest furkid ever in my life we were soul mates from the beginning , we adopted her when she was only 8 weeks old, she was so cute and then she turned out to be the most beautiful pomeranian ever I have ever seen in my life. she was with us for 8 wonderful years but I didnt think that was long enough she was so young when we had to put her to sleep, she had diabetes foe a few years and then her kidneys just started shutting down it was so sad it killed us when we had to say goodbye to sadie!!!!!!!
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Bellamum
To Shadowlab03, FrecklesMom, phoebegirl,  Mistysmama and sadieandsugar, 

Thank you so much to everyone for your lovely replies.  You are all so kind and caring of other people's feelings and know just what to say as you are going through it to.  I really appreciate it.
I know I will always feel sad at losing Bella who was such a wonderful, loving friend, who I adored, but it would be nice if the overwhelming feeling of anguish would lessen.  I keep asking my husband, "When will I start to feel a little bit more in control?", because at the moment I feel like I have no control at all over my emotions.  One minute I feel quite composed and then suddenly a wave of deep despair comes over me and I am crying almost uncontrollably.
I just have to keep reminding myself of "Rainbow Bridge" and telling myself that I haven't said goodbye, just see you later.

Bella's Mum

I love you Bellsy and miss you with every part of my heart.  Rest peacefully.

"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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L0ganpc2
So sorry for your loss of Bella. I certainly relate. Peace be with you. Bella is at peace and all those ugly diseases can hurt her no more.
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Bellamum
"If there ever comes the day when we can't stay together, I will keep you in my heart and you will be there forever."


I just want to say that I miss you Bellsy and am thinking of you constantly.
Love from
Mum xxx

"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."


Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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Bellamum
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Hi Bellsy,
How true this sign is.  You were true love all bundled up in a little furry body.
I am struggling without you each day, but am trying very hard to be strong and not to dwell on the sadness but to focus on all the joy you gave us each day and the happy memories I have - but it is so hard.
I need to move on from the guilt I have about taking you to see Doug, the vet, for the very last time and then making that most difficult decision.  I need you to know and understand that it was the hardest decision of my life and I did it for you.  I could see that you were tired and your little eyes were looking at me for help.  I only ever wanted to do the very best for you.  I hope you know that.
If I had my way I would have bundled you up in the car and come straight back home again, but I know that it would not have been fair to you.  As they kept saying to us at the vets, you were a miracle dog and you fought hard for nearly 3 years to give us more time.  I thank you for that.  Unfortunately, any amount of time would never have been enough for us.
I pray that you are having a ball at Rainbow Bridge.  Please wait for me.  I will miss you every day, but I know that I will be holding you, patting you and kissing you once more.
I love you, Baby girl.
Love Mum    xxx

"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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Bellamum
Hi Bellsy,
I'm having a tough day today without you.  Can't stop crying whenever I think about you not being here.  I just got home from getting some groceries and it was hard walking up the hallway and not having you there to greet me excitedly.  I bought a roast chicken and you were not there to sneak a little piece before I put it in the fridge - that made me sad so I had to come in and talk to you.
Yesterday I thought I may have turned a slight corner as I was able to "kind of function" without crying uncontrollably, but then I woke up today and any progress I thought I had made has gone.
How will I live without you in my life?  I know I have to, but I really don't want to.  I love you more than I can say.  I miss you with every part of my heart.  I long to hold you, pat you and kiss you just once more.
You are still my gorgeous girl, my "dood tid" (good kid) and my precious baby.
Rest peacefully baby girl.  I can't believe you are not with me anymore.  Have fun at Rainbow Bridge and wait for me.
Love from,
Your very sad, but very lucky mum   xxx


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"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
Karen
(Bella, Charli and Buddy's very lucky mum)

My gorgeous girl, Bella  26/07/2004 - 03/04/2014
"You were once by our side, but you will be forever in our hearts. Until we meet again baby girl."
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FrecklesMom
What a blessing to have had sweet Bella in your life. I know the pain of her loss in your life right now. Sending you healing hugs. (((Hugs)))
FrecklesMom

I will Love you forever sweet boy.
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