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Mygoodboy

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Reply with quote  #1 
Today is day 4 Jack passed and I feel just as much pain as when it happened. He had Hemangiosarcoma and I saw no symptoms or issues. He moved a bit slower and had a little trouble getting up at the beginning of last month. We took him to the vet and they said arthritis. He was still playful and eating. Then this past Friday, he just didn't look himself. He wouldn't even get up off the floor. Oh I screamed and my husband came in and rushed him off to the vet. We have little boys so I stayed home with them. The vet did scans and found the tumor and started surgery. During the surgery she said it had spread to his diaphragm and all through his abdomin and she would give him 2 weeks if that. She recommended we put him to sleep so he wouldn't have to go through the pain of recovering and also having cancer. We took her advice and every single day I feel like I killed my dog. He was obviously not doing well. The day before he wasn't getting up, he stopped eating and drinking. I called the vet and they said sometimes with arthritis they don't have much of an appitite, see how he does tomorrow. I just am in agony and I can't go on with life. I haven't left my bed except to use the bathroom and when I had to pick up Jack's ashes. I have only eaten a banana or a slice of bread. That's all I can hold down. If that. I cry so hard I throw up when I'm not sleeping.

I have so much guilt. I have guilt because recently my grandmother died this past year and she helped raise me so she was a big part of my life. I was already in a depression from that and trying to raise 2 boys, one of which was just born. I felt like this past year I was so wrapped up between caring for a baby and mourning the loss of my grandmother that, even though I still gave Jack hugs and pets every day, play times were less and less and walks were less and less. I do have a younger pup that played with Jack in the backyard everyday and my older son would play with him sometimes. I have a huge backyard with lots of room to play and a giant tree for shade. I just feel guilty I didn't have that time with my Jack. I had him since he was 8 weeks old. It was him and I against the world. Then my oldest son was born and we didn't skip a beat. Jack got playtime with us at least 3 times a day outside and walks twice a day. Park visits. Then this past year we didn't really do any of that and I promised him we were gonna get back to normal and I'm sorry everything in life got crazy. I hate myself. I hate myself more than I can explain and my Jack means the world to me. I'd give my life for Jack and I hate that his last year with me was me being busy with life. I still brushed him every day and cuddles on the couch every night. But I used to do so much more with him. I just want to die in this bed. He was only 9 years old. I want to die. I'm in so much pain.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #2 

Dear Chrissy,

I am so sorry and saddened to learn of you recent loss sweetheart. Please know that you are not alone in your grief. Many of us here are all feeling exactly like you do.

Having read hundreds & hundreds of grief postings and comments, and Veterinary medicine websites and essays and studies and blogs etc. the last 9 months, let me reassure you that you made the right decision. Some people unfortunately wait far, far too long to put their pet to sleep. Euthanasia is usually a merciful, peaceful and quick passing vs. a horrific death. Sadly, many pet parents wait too long to finally euthanize their beloved's. At other times they watch their pet dying a natural death. And this too can end up a very bad thing to witness and experience. What you did by making the final merciful choice that you did, was to save your beloved Jack from a possible horrific, tortuous end. Putting your pet to sleep is about ending their pain & suffering. Not prolonging their death. It is about THEIR needs, not our own needs vs. wanting them to continue to keep us company as long as they can, no matter the price THEY pay.

There is a saying that goes something like this:

"By ending their pain & suffering, we then take on their pain & suffering onto ourselves. We transfer their pain & suffering into our minds and bodies and then we process it through our grief. This is the bargain we made, and the price we pay for showing our beloved's mercy in the end. And time is an important part of the grieving process."

Please keep in mind that the average lifespan of a dog is around 10 years in the wild. They begin to breakdown biologically prior to year 10. We quite often automatically prolong their lives by providing them with food and water, shelter (from natural predators and the weather / elements) the occasional trip to the Vet's including for treatment and medication(s) and love and affection (which is important for well-being.) But dogs were not designed or engineered biologically to live past 10 years of age. I know "forever" would not be long enough, but Jack did live close to a normal life-span for a pup, so that should be remembered and somewhat comforting. I certainly wish they lived as long as a parrot! 

Lastly, your Jack knew that you were busy just doing human things. Yes obviously, like all dogs, he would have liked more time with you, probably 23 hours a day if he could! Lol. but he did have many, many great days and memorable moments being an important part of your family. Surrounded with affection, adoration, love, warmth and comfort. All dogs should be so blessed. Jack knew full well that he was a part of the family and not the center of the family, and I am sure he was fine with that.

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences.
James
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Sampson

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Reply with quote  #3 
There is nothing I can really add to what James has said and I found the quote about ending their pain and suffering so sad but so very true. You made the humane and loving decision for your boy, Jack. My deepest condolences on your loss,
Sam
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Sabrinz

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Reply with quote  #4 
Hey there. I know it’s been a while since your post and I hope you are doing better.
I’m writing you now because I just joined this forum- your post stood out to me because I also just lost my dog to hemangiosarcoma.
I had to make the hard choice to euthanize as well. We had a similar story to yours I think. My Dexter was an otherwise totally healthy, active Black Labrador. One day he just started acting funny like he was in pain. It was after hours so I took him to The emergency vet because I feared he had bloat (a friend of mine recently lost her dog to bloat and the symptoms were similar- drooling, hacking, standing still and seeming uncomfortable, wouldn’t lay down - he was also holding his head unusually low). They found some dark spots and X-ray could not determine anything further, so they gave us pain meds and we visited a specialist the next day who via ultrasound advised us they found several lesions/growths in his liver- and he was bleeding internally.

They advised us to contact a surgeon (this was on a Friday and we couldn’t get in until Monday - I was a wreck). Dexter was stable so they just old us to keep him comfortable. Only via surgery could we determine what the growths were and if they could stop the bleeding.
Dexter remained stable and his behavior was mostly normal that weekend. He had surgery Tuesday but the results were grim- they couldn’t stop the bleeding because his liver was completely filled with tiny bleeding masses. The surgeon told me they biopsied a growth so the results would take some time but it appears to be hemangiosarcoma. He stated that for the time being Dexter would be ok- his body was reabsorbing a lot of the blood and keeping up with it for the most part. He told us what to watch for as far as anemia and blood loss and advised to keep him like a couch potato and the prognosis was a few weeks to a few months- best case scenario.

He lived in pretty much normal standards for about 10 days after his surgery. They confirmed the biopsy was indeed hemangiosarcoma on Tuesday 10/1 (a week after surgery).
On Friday 10/4 when I got back from my shift at work, it was clear that he was miserable and losing a lot Of blood. His abdomen was distended, filled with blood. Pale gums, no energy, clearly in pain. They warned me it could happen quickly but I was in denial. I ordered all these products... Chinese herbal supplements for bleeding, mushrooms etc -!and I never got the chance to use them.
We had to take him to the emergency vet again, this time a one way trip and give him a peaceful, painless death while we held him. This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But the alternative would be to let him bleed to death miserably at home.
It’s so hard to view these things in any positive life but we owe it to them as their advocates and their family to make sure we do the right thing. Sparing them the pain and confusion is the right thing.
I am still traumatized by the whole experience. I cry all the time. I still see his lifeless body on his bed we brought in to the vet. I expected to see him walk out of the room after me. It broke my heart. I want him back. I wanted to wake him up.

I’m here because I think sharing grief is important. I hope you see this and can let me know how you are doing. And if you are doing better... any advice for me?

If you’re not doing better, I want you to know how horrible this cancer is. You did the right thing even if it doesn’t feel like it. The emotional turmoil and pain is so deep because of how much you loved your boy.
In the most successful cases, only the spleen is compromised and they remove it. But the cancer is in the blood, which means it’s already spreading and this is so aggressive they give them weeks to months anyway even if initially it is operable.
<3
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Mygoodboy

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Reply with quote  #5 
Hello, thank you so much James and Sam for the reply. I'm sorry I am just seeing this now and it means a lot to me. Thank you.

Sabrinz, I am so sorry for your loss. I have not been well since Jack's passing. I am just not strong enough. I still have trouble eating and sleeping. I have cried every moment I'm by myself. I don't want to do anything except lay in my bed. I have 2 kiddos I have to push on for them. I go about my days but I feel like a robot. I feel like I'm just going through life waiting to die myself. I started watching this TV show called Community that pulls me out of my funk for a bit. I know it's a silly thing but it's what works right now. I wish I could come back here and say it gets easier. I wish I had advice. I am so so sorry you are going through this.
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Sabrinz

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Reply with quote  #6 
I am so so sorry! If you feel like need to talk to someone anytime, please email me. My email address is sabrinz@gmail.com. Obviously, no pressure here. But I’d be happy to be there for you if you need someone.

I moved to another state with no friends, and my dog was my best friend besides my boyfriend. My days revolves around him which makes his loss particularly devastating- it was part of my identity. I know your little ones need you and you’re trying to be strong for them. Good for you for being as strong as you have been.

One thing that has been helping me- I write letters to Dexter. It helps good memories to come up, sometimes laughter. Sometimes I just write down nick names he had or songs we sang to him or make lists of things that remind me of him and why - my boyfriend and I sat down and made a list/description of what his heaven looks like. It honestly helped me and I hope you can try it out and maybe it can help you too. We are going to put them in to a scrap book. We are also planning on taking him to his favorite place once we get his remains for a service of sorts so we can say goodbye outside of a one way trip to a Vets office.

I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through. And I truly hope you start to see the beauty in the world again... I want that for myself too. We will always miss them and what happened is super traumatic and it will take time. We will get there.
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Mygoodboy

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you, you're very kind. Those are all wonderful ways of coping with your loss, thank you so much for sharing. I'll give them a try ☺️. I used to make up songs all the time for Jack, I thought I was the only one! Jack would get so excited when I'd sing one of the songs I made up. He'd do what I call the "Butt Tuck Run" because it was like his butt was trying to outrun him by running under him. My older son wrote a little story about Jack in heaven and what adventures he was doing there. He drew a giant doggy mansion where Jack would be living. Man, he has better coping mechanisms than I have! He doesn't know I'm still upset. I mean he knows I miss jack and how much I love him but he doesn't know how bad it's eating me away. I'm thinking of going to therapy but I keep stopping myself because life gets so busy. I keep telling myself I'll get better and I don't need help because others get through it but I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I went to the pet store the other day to pick up some treats for the other dog we have and they were having a puppy adoption event and there was a dog there that looked like Jack. I asked if I could play with him and they said yes and I just sat there crying and playing with the dog. I'm sure that didn't help the adoption event lol. I avoid the pet store at all costs during adoption events. I just can't.
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