Registered: 1565204722 Posts: 2
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Today is day 4 Jack passed and I feel just as much pain as when it happened. He had Hemangiosarcoma and I saw no symptoms or issues. He moved a bit slower and had a little trouble getting up at the beginning of last month. We took him to the vet and they said arthritis. He was still playful and eating. Then this past Friday, he just didn't look himself. He wouldn't even get up off the floor. Oh I screamed and my husband came in and rushed him off to the vet. We have little boys so I stayed home with them. The vet did scans and found the tumor and started surgery. During the surgery she said it had spread to his diaphragm and all through his abdomin and she would give him 2 weeks if that. She recommended we put him to sleep so he wouldn't have to go through the pain of recovering and also having cancer. We took her advice and every single day I feel like I killed my dog. He was obviously not doing well. The day before he wasn't getting up, he stopped eating and drinking. I called the vet and they said sometimes with arthritis they don't have much of an appitite, see how he does tomorrow. I just am in agony and I can't go on with life. I haven't left my bed except to use the bathroom and when I had to pick up Jack's ashes. I have only eaten a banana or a slice of bread. That's all I can hold down. If that. I cry so hard I throw up when I'm not sleeping.
I have so much guilt. I have guilt because recently my grandmother died this past year and she helped raise me so she was a big part of my life. I was already in a depression from that and trying to raise 2 boys, one of which was just born. I felt like this past year I was so wrapped up between caring for a baby and mourning the loss of my grandmother that, even though I still gave Jack hugs and pets every day, play times were less and less and walks were less and less. I do have a younger pup that played with Jack in the backyard everyday and my older son would play with him sometimes. I have a huge backyard with lots of room to play and a giant tree for shade. I just feel guilty I didn't have that time with my Jack. I had him since he was 8 weeks old. It was him and I against the world. Then my oldest son was born and we didn't skip a beat. Jack got playtime with us at least 3 times a day outside and walks twice a day. Park visits. Then this past year we didn't really do any of that and I promised him we were gonna get back to normal and I'm sorry everything in life got crazy. I hate myself. I hate myself more than I can explain and my Jack means the world to me. I'd give my life for Jack and I hate that his last year with me was me being busy with life. I still brushed him every day and cuddles on the couch every night. But I used to do so much more with him. I just want to die in this bed. He was only 9 years old. I want to die. I'm in so much pain.
Registered: 1560298711 Posts: 692
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Dear Chrissy, I am so sorry and saddened to learn of you recent loss sweetheart. Please know that you are not alone in your grief. Many of us here are all feeling exactly like you do. Having read hundreds & hundreds of grief postings and comments, and Veterinary medicine websites and essays and studies and blogs etc. the last 9 months, let me reassure you that you made the right decision. Some people unfortunately wait far, far too long to put their pet to sleep. Euthanasia is usually a merciful, peaceful and quick passing vs. a horrific death. Sadly, many pet parents wait too long to finally euthanize their beloved's. At other times they watch their pet dying a natural death. And this too can end up a very bad thing to witness and experience. What you did by making the final merciful choice that you did, was to save your beloved Jack from a possible horrific, tortuous end. Putting your pet to sleep is about ending their pain & suffering. Not prolonging their death. It is about THEIR needs, not our own needs vs. wanting them to continue to keep us company as long as they can, no matter the price THEY pay. There is a saying that goes something like this: "By ending their pain & suffering, we then take on their pain & suffering onto ourselves. We transfer their pain & suffering into our minds and bodies and then we process it through our grief. This is the bargain we made, and the price we pay for showing our beloved's mercy in the end. And time is an important part of the grieving process."Please keep in mind that the average lifespan of a dog is around 10 years in the wild. They begin to breakdown biologically prior to year 10. We quite often automatically prolong their lives by providing them with food and water, shelter (from natural predators and the weather / elements) the occasional trip to the Vet's including for treatment and medication(s) and love and affection (which is important for well-being.) But dogs were not designed or engineered biologically to live past 10 years of age. I know "forever" would not be long enough, but Jack did live close to a normal life-span for a pup, so that should be remembered and somewhat comforting. I certainly wish they lived as long as a parrot! Lastly, your Jack knew that you were busy just doing human things. Yes obviously, like all dogs, he would have liked more time with you, probably 23 hours a day if he could! Lol. but he did have many, many great days and memorable moments being an important part of your family. Surrounded with affection, adoration, love, warmth and comfort. All dogs should be so blessed. Jack knew full well that he was a part of the family and not the center of the family, and I am sure he was fine with that. Kind regards & my sincerest condolences. James
Registered: 1457590935 Posts: 474
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There is nothing I can really add to what James has said and I found the quote about ending their pain and suffering so sad but so very true. You made the humane and loving decision for your boy, Jack. My deepest condolences on your loss,