Van780
I never thought I'd find myself here. I grew up with animals and watched cats and dogs come and leave us - but they were family pets.
Nearly 11 yrs ago (come august) I adopted my own fur babies - my 2 boys are brothers and have never been apart since birth. They are the most amazing cats - super loving, friendly, cuddly ...
On April 23rd I came home from a weekend away (my parents were watching my boys) and found Batista looking pretty bad. By the next morning I knew something was terribly wrong. That day, the vet said that it was neurological and that he would need to see a specialist. 2 days later he was at the neurologist and passed the neuro exam - he was almost normal. Theu said it looked like stroke, but if it happened again it could be a brain tumor. The suggested MRI was 4000$ . Yes ... 4000$. I couldn't do it. I hoped for the best, but a week ate he had another episode. This continued with about 2 weeks between each (what I believe was) seizure. He had been put on prednisolone. He'd bounce back, but was a little weaker each time. I tried natural supplements, I tried cbd.
Fast forward ...
On Tuesday I came home to urine and feces on the floor. Until then, he was still going in the litter box. He didn't want to eat, but I managed to coax him. I knew it was coming. I fell asleep on the floor with him that night, as he couldn't make the bed or even the couch at that point. Wednesday he looked worse, and was more difficult to feed. Wednesday night he wouldn't eat. I slept on the floor with him, knowing it was my last night with him. He wouldn't eat, didn't know his litter box anymore, wouldn't take his pred chew, and was losing his balance and getting himself stuck in weird spots. I started calling Thursday morning. I wanted to get someone to come to us so that he would be comfortable at home in his last moments. It was 2x the price and I felt weird having a stranger do it. I made the appointment for latesting that afternoon. That was Thursday. He cried when I put him in the carrier. I feel so guilty ...
I stayed with him , petting him the entire time ... but now I wish I had asked to hold him .
My heart is broken and I never thought it would be as bad as it is. I can't stop crying. And I feel so heartbroken for his brother. I pick up his footprint and ashes in a couple weeks.
I don't even know how I'm gonna get through this. These are my babies. I feel guilty that I didn't have the money to do the mri and possibly brain surgery to save his life. I feel guilty that I had to go to work and not be with him every moment after we found out the grim prognosis. I feel guilty that I had to put him in that carrier that he hated.
I know that I made sure to spoil him the past couple months. I know I let him knead me all he wanted and fed him all he wanted. I didn't yell at him when he howled out of confusion, I tried to comfort him. But ... I still feel guilty, like it wasn't enough.
I miss my baby boy. He would've been 11 in august. I can't believe this happened. The pain is unreal ... and I'm now terrified that, one day, I'll have to do this again with my other boy.
I'm hoping that getting his ashes home will help me some, but who knows.
I asked my aunt to meet him on the other side, and as I left the vet, a replica of her dog was in the waiting area. The only very slight comfort I can find, is that he is with my aunt and she is taking care of him.
I can't believe how broken I feel ... like my insides are being ripped out.
To my baby Batista , my angel, my handsome boy, mama loves you so much ♡
Quote 0 0
BuddyCyn
The hardest decision we can make is to break our own hearts to relieve our pets of suffering and pain.  It's a gift of love that sends us into extreme sadness and grief.  Your pet trusted you to make the best decision and there is no blame in his heart.  He grew his wings and flies with your thoughts of love.  That love will never leave you.  Think of your pet as a gift that you had to return...what did that precious gift teach you?
BuddyCyn
Quote 0 0
Van780
BuddyCyn thank you for that. I am trying my best. He / they have definitely taught me a lot. I know I was a good mom , it's just the pain making me feel guilty.
Quote 0 0
lettersatlarge

Friend, I know the lingering doubt you speak of all too well. When my Dante was diagnosed with an enlarged heart and a partially collapsed trachea, my vet said going to a specialist for an MRI would be the best way to tell if there was any sign of damage, despite not seeing anything on the x ray he did. It would have been about the same cost as what you mentioned.

I was very lucky during this time that an old close friend of mine was working as a veterinary technician, although further upstate. I shared his labs, x-rays, findings with her and she reassured me that at his age, an MRI would only be telling me what I already know: that I should start spending more quality time with him. He died a week and a half after his diagnosis of heart failure and sudden fluid build-up from which we could not bring him back in the animal ER. Could I have gone to the specialist and gotten the MRI? Yes. Could I have found out how little time I had left? Yes. Could I have put him on expensive heart medication? Yes. Would that have guaranteed he would live much longer than he eventually did? No.

Unfortunately there will be many "what if"s for you during this time, but they do nothing but force you to relive the worst of it without the ability to do anything to change anything. It is a brutal, senseless, painful cycle. You did what you could, you did not put your love under more tests and medications that would ultimately have done nothing but prolonged the inevitable. Your Batista got to spend his remaining days under the love and care of his beloved, and was escorted into the great beyond with love, in peace. Please take some solace in that, and remind yourself of everything you did, all the time and energy you spent, on being such a good pet parent. I promise you Batista is grateful for that time and for the love, and for the dignity you gave him in his last moments.

 

Please take care of yourself.

Quote 0 0
Van780
Lettersatlarge,
Thank you so much for that . I am trying to remind myself , but it's just difficult. All the crazy thoughts are creeping in - why didn't I hug him longer before he went, why didn't I ask for some time alone in his last minutes ... I know I did my best and I tried to do all I could. I had a week off at the beginning of July and I am so happy I got to be with him more. I just miss him so much , and so does his brother. I feel bad leaving him home alone to go to work. Thank you for your kind words and reminders , I am truly grateful for that. Im not sure if this is weird, but I somehow feel like maybe I'll have some comfort when I get his ashes back and he's home.
Quote 0 0
lettersatlarge

Van780 wrote:
Lettersatlarge, Thank you so much for that . I am trying to remind myself , but it's just difficult. All the crazy thoughts are creeping in - why didn't I hug him longer before he went, why didn't I ask for some time alone in his last minutes ... I know I did my best and I tried to do all I could. I had a week off at the beginning of July and I am so happy I got to be with him more. I just miss him so much , and so does his brother. I feel bad leaving him home alone to go to work. Thank you for your kind words and reminders , I am truly grateful for that. Im not sure if this is weird, but I somehow feel like maybe I'll have some comfort when I get his ashes back and he's home.

 

I know for a fact that having his ashes at home felt like I could breathe again, even though it was bittersweet. I'm fortunate to have beautiful friends who saw how heartbroken I was, and surprised me with the most perfect, beautiful urn I'd had my eye on, but was holding off from purchasing because of money. I do feel a little more peaceful knowing that he's at home, and he's in a fitting resting place.

 

In case you're curious, this is where my urn came from (I think the link is actually the one I have, it should be small, white, exactly like my dog was), and they have various sizes, colors, and they make them in both cat and dog figures.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/199739163/small-anubis-dog-urn-matte-white

Quote 0 0
lettersatlarge

Here are the cat urns:

https://www.etsy.com/shop/CharmCeramics?ref=l2-shopheader-name&section_id=20177457

Quote 0 0
Van780
Quote 0 0
Van780
Lettersatlarge,
Thank you so much ! I feel like that will be the case for me. They also have cremation jewelry, where you can keep a small amount of ash in a tiny little charm and wear as a necklace or bracelet, or even have the ashes added to glass or metal (I will not be sending my baby boys ashes anywhere, so I am good with the 'mini urn' idea) . I have been looking for the perfect urn and can't decide on one. Those are adorable ! I have a few memoral ideas for my son, as I feel it will be comforting to have him close. I am definitely eager to get his ashe's and footprint (I could've picked up his footprint, but Im thinking I may have a hard time at the vets office, so I figured I'd pick it all up at once). It's still surreal ... today is 1 week :(
Thank you for your kind words ♡
Quote 0 0