Forum
Sign up Calendar Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 1 of 2      1   2   Next
Leigh

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 171
Reply with quote  #1 
This is day five since we had our doggy girl, Mary, put to sleep.
Fourteen years ago, our request for a dachshund/mix pound puppy came true.  It was on a Saturday and we were having a yard sale, so hubby and son went to check out the puppies...and came back with one.  I walked over to the pickup to see the 9-week old pup and there she was, laying across hubby's lap.  I said, "hello" and she smiled and wagged her tail.  I was smitten. 
Our son named her Mery...because Merry Christmas is a happy time and the puppy made him happy, he said.  I goofed and spelled her name Mary and to this day I hear about it from him. 
Mary is a dachshund/rottweiler.  We were leery about the combination wondering how big she would get and her temperament but we shouldn't have.  Mary looked like God had taken a rottweiler, stretched it and then mashed it.  She looked like a dachshund on steroids.  Long and low but with muscles and big feet.  Tiny dachshund teeth in front and huge rottweiler molars.  Her face could look like a doxie one minute and then all of a sudden, the rotty look would be there.  She had a long nose with wrinkles sometimes. 
Mary had the best attitude.  What a morning person!  I learned to try to be happy in the morning because of her.  She was truly a happy soul.  
Eventually, I took over Mary's care.  She became my personal guard dog.  She became my best buddy.  We took care of each other.  My hubby works nights, so it was just our son, Mary and me most of the time. 
Mary was my rock in 2006.  In June, our son graduated high school, won a national vocational competition, got married and was moving to Arizona for schooling.  Two weeks after his wedding, my dad was weeding his garden and suffered a fatal heart attack/stroke.  Mom and I performed CPR on Dad but couldn't save him.  This led to me having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Six days later, hubby and I were driving the moving van to Arizona for the newlyweds.  (They were old enough to get married but not old enough to rent a moving van).  We stayed a week and helped them get settled.  Exactly a week after we were home, the new daughter-in-law called at 1:00 am saying that our son was in a car wreck.  He was pretty beaten up.  The grand finale of that year was the new daughter-in-law leaving our son on their 6-month anniversary.  What does this have to do with Mary?  Because I petted and rubbed on that dog for hours to calm down. 
She was always there for me.  Always.
Mary had been having some medical problems for awhile and the vet discovered the meds for her arthritis were destroying her liver.  Then they found that she had a tumor on her adrenal gland.  She was put on meds and was doing better.  One night she had a stroke.  Took her into the vet but she didn't have any major lingering problems.  
She had some difficulty walking but was able to get around pretty well.  Last weekend, Mary was really having trouble walking.  Since her regular vet wasn't in Monday, I took her in Tuesday morning.  Not much could be done that wouldn't have dire side affects.  We thought Mary would live a long time anyway by taking her regular meds. 
A couple of hours after we got home, Mary had a stroke.  This paralyzed her left side quite a bit.  Her right side had been the problem side before.  Once again, though, she seemed alright...for her.  She went to her pillow until dinner time.  We heard a thump and Mary was trying to come to the dining room but her left front leg would bend over.  Her hind legs wouldn't support her.  After that, we had to carry her out to potty and basically prop her up.  Mary couldn't lay down and then push herself up to see what was going on...she'd fall over.  She still had an appetite and was thirsty, though.  Her vision and hearing had been getting worse for months.  But she was so happy to see her Dad come home from work that morning.
I took her in that afternoon and had her put to sleep.  I wish we waited a couple of days but deep down, I know she wouldn't have gotten any better.  Then I think how we could have kept carrying her out to potty.  This guilt is killing me.  Did I do the right thing?  One minute I think yes and the next minute I think absolutely not, you murderer.  How do I get through this?  I miss her so much my heart actually hurts. 
Another odd thing:  I didn't grieve like this when Dad died.  More guilt.
We picked up Mary's cremains today.  It actually feels better to have that little urn with the paw prints on it here.  Mary's home again. 
I just wish...I just wish she was still sitting next to me right now wagging her tail and being happy.

 
          
0
Mia870

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 98
Reply with quote  #2 

oh gosh I am so sorry for your loss. Mary sounded like a beautiful dog, how lucky you were to have eachother for 14 wonderful years. Even though Mary was a fur baby you still loved her like a person, so it is only natural that you are devastated and miss her terribly. The grief is very real and hits hard some days. It is like the ebb and flow of a river, some days are better than others. It is only early days for you, and it's true, the pain is like your heart is hurting. I too have never grieved so much for a person but when my Mia died I fell to pieces. It has been 3 months and I am feeling better but I still have days when I am a mess.  Be kind to yourself and try and think of all the good memories. You did the right thing, it's too hard to see them suffer. Mary loved you wholly and unconditionally, a wonderful gift. When you are feeling up to it, come back and share some memories of your life with Mary, there must be many happy times over the years.  You are in good company here, we all understand the pain and the grief of losing a fur babies. I am thinking of you xx  


__________________
Mia Jessie aged: 11 years. Always our puppy girl xxxxxx
0
CHASMOM

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 49
Reply with quote  #3 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Your post brought tears to my eyes.  I know what you went through in the end feeling the guilt.  I had to do the same for Chas.  He was 17 years old.  He had a hard time getting up and would sometimes lose his balance and fall over.  I had to carry him outside too because he couldn't make the stairs anymore.  It broke my heart to see his little body deteriorate that way and I knew it was time.  I couldn't watch him struggle like that anymore.  I kept asking myself what kind of life is he living day to day.  I started feeling selfish for keeping him around because I knew my heart would break without him here (and it did).  But I made the hardest decision of my life and let him go.  You did do the right thing.  It was the most unselfish decision you could have ever made for her.  She went peacefully and painlessly.  She is whole now and can run and play again.  She knows you love her.  She knows what a wonderful family she had.  Wow, you had Mary to treasure for 14 years.  I agree with Mia, it will get better with time but there will be days you will grieve.  We have all loved our fur babies so completely and they have loved us unconditionally in return.  It's a special bond that doesn't compare to any other.  She is still with you, still your rock.  She is in your heart forever.  What a unique and special girl Mary is.  Blessings to you and your Angel Mary.

0
tikibarb

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 788
Reply with quote  #4 
I so understand your grief.  I lost my Mom 3 years ago and while I was grief stricken, it was nothing like when my beloved dog Ted died.  I lost him on 7/7.  I am still reeling over his death.  Ted, like Mary, comforted me through many a crisis.  You did the best you could for Mary and it was very brave of you to help end her suffering.  I am sure she is at the Bridge with Ted and the others, wagging her tail and running and playing while she waits for you.  We all grieve for the loss of companionship and those furry little faces.  Oh how I wish I could touch Ted just once more.  But even once more would not be enough.  You did the right thing.  You helped the helpless be whole again.  Remember that Mary would not want you to be unhappy.  She knows you love her and would have done anything if it would have helped.  We are lucky to have them for the time we do.  It seems so unfair that they do not have the same life span as humans.  You will find that time will help you feel better.  I know that seems ridiculous to you now because the hole in your heart feels overwhelming.  Don't feel guilty about your level of grief.  Your Father was human and was not wholly dependent on you.  Mary was.  There is a difference in that attachment and the unconditional love Mary gave you.  Your Dad knows you loved him too.  I am hoping Mary has found her way to him to keep him company until you are there to be with her once again.
__________________
Barbara Lyngarkos
My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TED001/Resident.htm
0
nicokudo

Registered:
Posts: 363
Reply with quote  #5 
Leigh,

I am so sorry to hear that you had to make that final loving decision.  From what it sounds like you made the right choice at the right time. Animals are so proud and I think that it is difficult for them when they get to the point when they can't walk, etc.  You made a beautiful, loving decision for a beloved pet who trusted you to make the right choice for her.  I understand how you feel when you have to make the choice; but who better than you, the one who loved her most.  One day you will see your baby again and she will thank you for your courage that day.  She knew from that very first day that she could count on you.

I have to say that I too felt relief when I had my boys at home again after they were cremated.

Thinking of you.

Karen

__________________
Karen,Kudo and Nico's mom
Earth mom to Marco and Bella
0
Leigh

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 171
Reply with quote  #6 
Thank you, Mia870, CHASMOM, and tikibarb for all your kind words and encouragement.
I'm not one to talk about how I feel so babbling on here is foreign to me.  Thank you for listening and offering insight to this pain.
My sis has been good (for her) about lending support.  She lost her 13 1/2 year old Yorkie a couple of years ago.  She went out very soon after having Tiff put to sleep and got two more Yorkies.  What a mistake she made. 
My hubby says no more animals so we can travel and do things.  I totally agreed at first but now I don't know how I'll be able to go on being alone most of the time.  He works about 14 hours a night and sleeps during the day.  Weekends are lousy cuz he tries to stay up all day and falls asleep in the chair at night.  There will never be another Mary but maybe there could be room in my heart for a new fur child???  Some day???
My mom is slowly dying from emphysema and will be moving in with us some time.  I call her a couple of times a day to see how she's doing and I inevitably start crying over Mary.  Mom tells me to stop crying and then gives me more of her wonderful wisdom~~yes, that's pure sarcasm~~.  I told her I need to cry...that's how I grieve.  She just doesn't get it.  Oh, she did tell how she loved a little dog we had when I was a kid.  She says she loved that dog as much as I love Mary.  I thought it was odd that I don't remember the dog and couldn't even picture it.  I asked Mom how long we had him and she said about a month.  A month?  Does she actually think she could love a dog in a month as much as I love Mary in 14 years???  Frustration and anger with Mom isn't helping, that's for sure.
I tell you what...right now I'd rather have her in that little urn on the fireplace than Mary.  Oh, Lord...did I really think that much less write it?   
Grief, anger, guilt, loneliness...these feelings hit all the time and are so hard to handle.  How could the person that Mary trusted let a vet stick a needle in her and kill her???  Was it too soon???  Is Mary mad at me??? (and how couldn't she be???)
I want my Mary dog back.  Sooo bad.
Yes, I remember the happy times but somehow they turn into crying sessions.  The worst one yet was cutting up carrots for my husband's lunch.  Mary always got 5 or 6 slices of carrot and crunched and smacked like they were the best eats ever.  She knew when 3:00 came around because she got carrots.
Mary is missed by everybody who knew her.  Even the neighbor had tears when he learned she was put to sleep.
New routines will replace old ones but it's so hard.  I'm lost. 
0
Leigh

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 171
Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you, nicokudo, for your kind words.


And I, too, am sorry for the loss of everyone's precious pets.
0
nicokudo

Registered:
Posts: 363
Reply with quote  #8 
Leigh,

I sent you a private message. You're new, so you may not notice that you have one.  It says Welcome, your name and then private message below in blue on my page. 

Karen

__________________
Karen,Kudo and Nico's mom
Earth mom to Marco and Bella
0
reovi

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 136
Reply with quote  #9 
Keep coming back here and tell us about your days-we understand and won't shun or guilt you about your grief.  We all get it and loved our babies very very much to have sought out this great site.  Don't feel bad about random crying, I blew up on my mom today and ended up sobbing while trying to drive down the road-not wise, but unavoidable I know-and it has been 3.5 months since my boy passed.  Now is not the time to second guess your activities-now is not the time to force yourself to be normal.  I wish you peace and sweet dreams and hope you come bak and tell us more about Mary.
0
tikibarb

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 788
Reply with quote  #10 
Crying is the best way to let the grief out.  I still cry every day.  Mind you, no where near the amount of tears of 3 weeks ago, but they still come.  Sometimes family and/or friends can be so insensitive.  Many of them have never experienced the love you obviously had with Mary.  That is the great thing about this website.  Everyone here knows the intensity of the pain you are feeling.  You will know when and if the time comes to open your heart to another puppy.  The timing is different for each of us.  I have already taken in another furbaby.  He is a 9 week old toy poodle.  I had very mixed emotions and have been a little more emotional since he came home with us on Saturday.  I haven't named him yet.  But...he has given me moments of joy that I have not felt since Ted went to the Bridge.  He was in need of a home and I just happened to have a spot.   I didn't plan to do it this soon though I always knew I would.  So it happened a little sooner that expected.  The first night I thought I had made a big mistake but after that, I realized that there is room in my heart to love another baby even though I am still grieving Ted.  The hole in my heart will never close but this baby may help it heal a little.  Keeping Mary alive was not in her best interest.  She can enjoy her life now, running and playing in no pain.  We have a hard time seeing that through our grief because it takes a great leap of faith to believe it.  I believe.  
__________________
Barbara Lyngarkos
My Beloved Ted 8/7/2005 - 7/7/10
http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/TED001/Resident.htm
0
Leigh

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 171
Reply with quote  #11 
Thank you, reovi, for your kindness.  I'm sorry your loss.  You're right about not forcing myself to be normal because it's causing all kinds of problems physically and mentally. 
I was up at night with Mary quite a bit and always had the mom "ear" listening for her even when we were asleep.  Now, I sleep extremely sound with no dreams.  I even wake up in the same position I went to sleep in.  This is surprising and almost disturbing. 
Mary is in an urn on the hearth with 3 of her favorite toys next to her.  My sister said there would be a calmness when Mary came back home and she was right.  Sis has either called or come over the last 4 days and has helped a lot.  She lost her Yorkie 2 years ago and knows what it's like.  
Congrats to you, tikibarb, for adopting another fur baby.  He's a lucky little critter to have a new mom like you.
Putting Mary to sleep had never even entered our minds.  We always thought she'd live a few more years and then maybe die in her sleep with a happy grin on her face.  Reality sucks. 
I miss her so much it's unbearable.  Hubby's having a rough time, too.  At bedtime, I'd always come out of the bathroom and say "night, Mar" before getting into bed.  Hubby heard me Saturday night and he was crying when I got into bed.  It's nice to hear him talk about Mary because he remembers different things and situations.
Maybe tonight I'll dream of Mary running and playing the way she used to.
      

0
Mia870

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 98
Reply with quote  #12 

Leigh, how are you today ? I am glad you can talk to your husband and share the wonderful memories you have. Don't let other people tell you that you should be over the grief as it was just a dog, your grief is very real and you loved Mary like you would another human being. It is only very early days, cry when you need to it is ok and eventually the tears will be less frequent, but it takes time, how long I don't know. Our Mia has been gone 3 months and it is only in the last few weeks that I can talk about her without crying. I still think of her everyday but the pain is a little bit better. I hope you had the dream of Mary running and playing xx       


__________________
Mia Jessie aged: 11 years. Always our puppy girl xxxxxx
0
jasminesmom

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 216
Reply with quote  #13 
Leigh

I cry with you. You are not babbling here. We listen for we have walked in your shoes and have recovered somewhat.

Know that Mary is now at The Rainbow Bridge, free from pain, free to run and play and is now your Guardian Angel. She is still there for you. Mary will always be there in your heart.

Hugs,

__________________
Cheryl and Angel Jasmine
Jasmine was loved
Jasmine was given ProIn
Jasmine is now gone
http://RainbowsBridge.com/residents/JAMIN001/Resident.htm
0
Leigh

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 171
Reply with quote  #14 
Another day about gone, thank goodness.
The morning started with the neighbor weed eating, the jets flying, and cars running up and down the road.  I wanted to wrap that freaking weed eater around the neighbor's neck, blow the freaking jets out of the sky and shoot the freaking tires of the cars.
Guess the overwhelming grief has been replaced by anger and evilness today.
I should have crawled under the bed and stayed there but had to take Mom to a couple of places.  Not a good thing.  Have you ever just wanted to jerk the steering wheel into the car next to you...just because???  Poor Mom's lucky she's not standing on the side of the road because I wanted to kick her out of the car.  Just because.
Not much crying today.  Just kind of numb besides being possessed by wickedness.  Feel like I need an outlet for this anger.  Maybe I'll drown it in ice cream and see what happens.
I want my Mary back. 
I miss her bonking my leg with her nose when I'm at the computer.  That was her way of saying, "I'm here and would like some attention, Mom". 
I miss her toenails tip tapping on the floor when she walked.
I miss her opening the bathroom door with her nose, checking to see what I was doing, and then waiting for me outside the door.  I miss that warm spot where she'd wait for me.
I miss that precious little face.  The eyes were getting a bit cloudy with old age, but they were so expressive.
I miss her hollering, "HELLO" all the time.  I'm so glad we got that on tape.  She had a big Rotty voice but you could tell her to use her inside voice and she'd whisper, "HELLO". 
Heck, I even miss her stinky farts.
I love you, Marabella Roxie Frisk aka Mary, and miss you so very much.
mom     
0
Leigh

Avatar / Picture

Registered:
Posts: 171
Reply with quote  #15 
This is day 8 without Mary.
She was put to sleep on Wednesday and we didn't get her back until Monday.  She's in a beautiful urn.  They sent clippings of her fur, her paw print, and a memory book to complete.
Yesterday I was filled with black rage against the world in general.  Now, I feel defeated, tired, and useless.   Oblivious. 
I emailed my cousin about having Mary put to sleep.  Her response was "it sux to be you" and then she went on and on about the weather.  My favorite niece hasn't come over or called.  So much for family support.  
We threw away Mary's livingroom pillow and blanket Friday.  Can't seem to part with anything else yet.  The pantry was her bedroom, so it has another pillow and blanket in it.  There's fur all over the pillow and that triggers a crying spell.  Not that I feel like doing anything, but I dread the thought of cleaning the sliding glass door because Mary's nose left snot on it...and there will never be any more, ever.  Ever.  Never.  Whoever thought I'd be crying about cleaning snot off a glass door?  Once I finally feel like moving again and clean all the house, all traces of Mary will be gone, like she never existed. 
It sometimes seems like it was a dream that she was even here.
How I want to pet and rub that hard little body of hers again, feel the softness of her ears, and laugh at her being silly.  Mary was such a big part of my life it's unbearable that she's gone. 
 


 

0
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.