I can hear the guilt and pain in your post. First, let me say how sorry I am that you lost your sweet girl. I had my baby 15 years and he was a Shih Tzu. His eye sight was almost completely gone, his hearing was almost gone and he had severe arthritis in his back legs. I'm sure, at 15, Mandy had some geriatric issues that just come with age. In your situation, unless a necropsy (a dog autopsy) was performed, you will never know exactly what was causing her symptoms and pain. The vets can only guess and go by what limited tests show. It is normal for us to have those "I should have..." and "What if...." questions and doubts creep into our minds. I didn't experience your exact story, but I did feel guilt because I wasn't at home to protect my dog when he was attacked by our Golden, which lead to his death that afternoon. I blamed myself for not being home. I could have come home earlier, but chose to go eat with some friends and then go to the grocery store. I felt extreme guilt and I apologized over and over again to him when I found him. I rushed him to the emergency vet and had to make the difficult decision to let him go. I wasn't prepared for that mentally or emotionally. I questioned myself....I told myself I should have done more.....I cried.....I apologized to him over and over (even after he died)....it was a dark and terrible place to be. But the fact is.....I couldn't dwell on what I should have done. Chipper is gone and what happened is what happened. He knew how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me. The great thing about dogs is they don't judge us or hold grudges like people do. Mandy loves you! And she knows you love her! Your road to healing will start at the acceptance that what happend is what happened. You can't change it and it is done. Please hear me.....and don't stop at that point because it sounds so cold just to say "whats done is done." Accept the fact that you love Mandy and Mandy loves you! She knows you would have changed things if you could. She knows the pain you are feeling and she doesn't want that for you. Please don't dwell on the "should haves... and could haves...." because it doesn't change anything. All it does is keep you in that dark place. Just to let you know how much I blamed myself.....not only did I go back to Chipper's vet 3 days after he died to seek confirmation of my actions.....I also paid to talk to an Animal Communicator. I know some people don't buy into that stuff and believe me....it is something I never thought I would do. But this particular woman, who I had never seen or spoken to knew things only Chipper and I would know. The bottom line of our discussion was Chipper knew how difficult it was for me and did not blame me for what happened. She said he was ready to go and is so very happy now. In fact, she said that he was with my grandmother and other dogs we have lost. She described them exactly. She said he wants me to be happy and told me that he loves me (which I already knew). There were other aspects of the conversation, but just know that we shouldn't blame ourselves when we lose our beloved pets. I apologize for the long post. I hope you found some level of comfort to help you towards releasing this guilt and falling back on your love for Mandy to help you heal. Chipper's Mom
Momma's Chipper Boy (9/19/95 - 1/30/11) My heart, my love, my buddy! I miss you and love you so, so much! I can't wait to see you at the bridge! Love, Mommy Lady "Ladybugs" (8/2/03 - 6/5/17) My sweet girl. Thanks for the walks, playtime, sock collection, boo boo kisses and love you gave all of us. We will miss you dearly! Until we meet again...we love you!