Yesterday was 13 weeks since I helped my darling baby girl transition to Heaven. Every Monday at 4:00 I am deeply sad. She passed around 4:17 pm. I see the images of that day clearly in my mind. I still question my choices and actions that day. But then I look at her photos and see that it was time. I ache when I think of her which is every day, all day. I still sob with longing and deep grief. I miss her so much. I waa blessed to have her for 17 1/2 years. Grateful. But it still wasn’t long enough. I wanted her forever. She was my touchstone. I feel like she’s somewhere. And I just have to find her. Like I’ll run into her somewhere. “ there you are my baby! I’ve been looking so hard for you. I’ve been missing you desperately! Don’t ever leave me!” And she’ll flip out like she always did, jump on me lick my face, whimper and I’ll have to lie down while she stands on my chest until she’s finished greeting me certain I’m home to stay. God how I miss her. Nothing can ease my broken heart. I want her back. 😩
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I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful girl. Her sweetness and sparkle shine right through her picture. My heart so goes out to you in your sadness and pain right now. Seventeen and a half years is a long time, but you are oh so right when you say it is never long enough. We always want more time with them, one more day, one more hour, one more moment. It is just so devastating when we lose them, and their absence leaves such a void and an empty place in our hearts. I have never quite figured out how absence could be so loud, and how quiet could be so heartbreaking. It is almost as the very home we live in is mourning the loss, and I suppose in a manner of speaking, it is.

I lost my sweet kitty named Jasper at the young age of seven to an illness. It came on so suddenly and the shock of it all was so horrific, and I remember coming home from the animal hospital with his empty carrier, and I felt that my heart was shattered into tiny pieces. I also used to vividly remember my Jasper's last day with me, and our last moments at the vets together, when I had to love him enough to let him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I could not stand to see him suffer, as he was struggling with every breath.

It used to be like a bad movie playing in my head in slow motion, and I did not ever think it would stop. All I wanted to do was to go back before that awful night, and just start over again, but it was just not meant to be. So I do want to assure you that the images of your last day with your sweet doggie will fade, and will turn into remembrances of happy times. I do not instant replay that terrible night anymore like I used to, but at the beginning, it was almost like I had to play it over and over in my head in order to process it. I am still sad and my tears still fall, but the raw, searing pain is gone. After some time, the sadness does ease up ever so slightly, and sometimes you will even be able to look at your babies photo and smile, consumed with the love you shared and will always share. Just remember that they are only a breath and a heartbeat away.

I really know what you mean about feeling that she is there somewhere, and that you will find her and run into her. After I lost my Jasper, I used to open the door every night, and just look out, just waiting for him to come home. He was an indoor cat, so how could my mind think that he was out there somewhere, but now I assume it was just a coping process. Our minds and hearts know how much we can handle, and sometimes the things we do are therapeutic. It used to help me to do that every night, even though I knew he was not going to walk back through the door, because I have his little box of ashes, but still, I did it, and it helped to get me through. I just felt that he was out there somewhere, and I would stand on my porch for a few minutes, just waiting, and listening, and hoping.

I lost my beautiful kitty named Pootie Tang in February of this past year. She was suffering from cancer, and one day towards the end of her struggle, she just slipped out the door, to save me the pain and heartache of finding her passed in my house, I assume. I had about two months to process the loss of losing my sweet little girl, and then another month or so of looking for her on the lost and found sites, and trying to find her, to no avail. So here I was again, looking out that door, and hoping she would come back through it, but she never did. After another month or so, I could not be in denial anymore, but still there was that tiny glimmer of hope. 

I miss my babies so much, and I really do understand what you are going through. But I just want to let you know that as time goes by, you will still feel sadness, and the tears will still fall, but there will also be an acceptance that sets in, often when you least expect it. You will be able to look at your dear ones picture and smile, and the sweet and precious memories will come flooding back, and those wonderful memories will warm your heart, not break it anymore.

I know how much you want her back, but just remember, you may not be able to see her with your eyes, or hold her in your arms, but you can still feel her with your heart. She is still so close, and she can feel your love for her even now. When our journey here is over we will see them again, I have no doubt. Your sweet girl is just beyond the rainbow, healthy and strong now, and so grateful to have been so cherished and so loved while on this earth with you, and now so loved and cherished after she found her light. Love never dies, it only waits. Take Care, and please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, today and always for comfort, peace, and healing. I am so so sorry. Hugs, JaspersMom
Pamela Lynne Crawford
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Dixieschick, I as so sorry for your loss. You wrote, "I feel like she’s somewhere. And I just have to find her. Like I’ll run into her somewhere. “ This is EXACTLY how I feel sometimes.... especially at night, when going to bed. Sometimes my Rookie would beat me to bed, but sometimes I'd have to call him in our room after I turned off the light. Even now, 6 weeks later, sometimes I take one last look at his bed, thinking he'll be there. It's crazy because our brain knows and understands, but our heart misses them so much.

I'm glad you had your sweet girl for 17.5 years, but it's definitely never long enough. Thank you for sharing that pic!! She totally looks like she is smiling❤

You articulate it all so well. I am so sorry for your losses as well.
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