MamaSuze

I lost my dear sweet Bonnie Biscuits on Saturday. She had had steadily worsening kidney disease for over a year, and it hit stage 4 this past May. We were doing daily subcutaneous fluids, Rx food, supplements. She was doing ok, still getting herself around, up and down the stairs, good with litter box, eating and drinking, etc. Took her in for labs recheck on Friday. Gave her gabapentin beforehand (she was a feisty calico!). Exam done, blood drawn, we go home. Saturday morning she can’t stand up, is trying to get around by dragging herself with her front paws, which had started curling in. (Boyfriend tells me it actually started Friday night.) Twice she peed where she way laying. Feisty calico is very frustrated! I thought that she was having issues with the gabapentin, kidneys not flushing it out maybe. Call the vet around 9 am, get in to see her at 11. Labs are already back and they are off the charts bad - BUN/UREA was *179*, creatinine 7.7, SDMA 34. She was a very sick little kitty girl. Vet does further exam and determines that she had a probable stroke/clot in the spine and had basically lost the use of / feeling in her legs, tail, and other rear area functions. We had to let her go. The vet said she was in no pain whatsoever, but I feel so heartbreakingly guilty that I let her suffer all night and part of the morning. She had let me hold her on my chest while we slept all Friday night. I can’t sleep and haven’t stopped crying since. I miss her terribly. Thank you for listening.

ETA: I keep seeing her trying to drag herself by her front paws, hearing her frustrated meows, seeing her pee without her knowing she was peeing, and my heart keeps breaking all over again.

Quote 0 0
P_Mom
Dear Mamasuze, I'm so very sorry you lost your sweet Bonnie Biscuits. Such a beautiful and unique kitty with the black across her nose. 💖 We understand what you're going through losing your beloved companion.  

Kidney disease is horrible, it took my Chihuahua Patch's life.  It sounds like you did all the right things treating and managing it.  I did not and feel my Vet grossly overlooked his kidney values.  I'm paying every day for this. 

You should not feel guilty as you managed her disease as you should and had no idea there could've been a stroke (vet even said 'probable' so not clear) and thought it was perhaps the meds. While I know it doesn't make the loss easier, she was in no pain, try to take some comfort in that. 

Again, my sincere condolences and big hugs go out to you. XO
Jennifer
Quote 1 0
MamaSuze
Hi P_Mom - I am so sorry for the loss of your little Patches. The second-guessing is torture, isn’t it? I’m trying to remind myself that I took care of her the best I knew how right up to the end. 💖
Quote 2 0
MamaSuze
I’m working on forgiving myself for not knowing everything about kitty medicine and reminding myself that she was not in any pain at all. She was frustrated and she let us know it, but that was her MO in general - she was always very vocal about what she wanted! I mean, even after the stroke, she still wanted to do her usual thing and her meows were definitely not pain meows, but rather her usual “things are not as I want them and you must remedy this now!” meow. 🙂 I miss her terribly, but I am trying to let go of the guilt and know that she went peacefully in my arms.
Quote 0 0
Diane_M
Hello MamaSuze,

Your experience sounds similar to mine in that I also feel so guilty that I "let" my dog, Bracken, suffer through a long horrible night . . . waiting until morning to take him to the hospital. I don't know why. Was it my fear, or just thinking his symptoms would pass? I don't know. He'd been on heart medication for a year and my vet always reassured me all was well . . . that Bracken was doing great. Then, came that awful night and the guilt of his suffering haunts me, as does replaying certain heartbreaking images in my head.
I don't know if it helps to know the things you feel are common to others of us. No matter how our beloved pets leave us we seem to find something to feel guilty about. And we shouldn't. We loved them with all we have and they knew it. I know from what you wrote, how much you loved your Bonnie Biscuits and that you did the very best for her. These early days of loss are so painful and my heart goes out to you.
Quote 1 0
MamaSuze
It’s been five days now. I’m still crying a lot, but I think it might be slowing down a little. When I look at her pictures I can smile as well as cry - usually at the same time. I am still not sleeping well and am still having trouble eating, but I know I will get better minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. She gave us so much joy, had such a big personality - I want to remember her with smiles and laughter. 
Quote 0 0
Lucy_S
Hi MamaSuze

I lost my beautiful girl Lily from kidney disease as well, 6 days ago. I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness.  I cried for 5 days straight and now suddenly I just feel numb.  My house, though busy with two little boys, feels so empty and my heart feels emptier.  Lily was a calico just like your beautiful Bonnie Biscuits.  She was perfect in every way.  She was only 11...she was way too young. 

We only found out in mid August that Lily had kidney disease.  We started the subcutaneous fluids with extra potassium and anti nausea drugs, antibiotics and steroids and they said to hope for a miracle.  We got our miracle and Lily started to eat and feel better.  I thought for sure that she would continue like that as long as we gave her the fluids.  We tried increasing the time between fluids.  Suddenly last week she stopped eating and even drinking.  She wasn't interested in cuddling and just stayed under the bed.  She spent the whole day at the vet on Thursday.  When she came home from the vet her back legs were barely working either. She was so weak. We increased her fluids and they gave her more meds but it wasn't enough. On Friday evening we gave her fluids at around 9:00 pm and right after she went back under the bed.  When we checked on her at 11pm she was gone. 

I am full of guilt that the last time I touched her was to give her fluids and that I was not with her when she went.  I keep thinking 'if only'.  If only I had noticed the symptoms and got her to the vet months earlier...if only I had given her more fluids sooner...if only I had been with her when she passed...  I feel so much guilt, so much sadness.  Lily was my best friend and my first baby.  When we adopted her when she was one it was love at first sight and her and I shared such a strong bond ever since.  She always knew when I needed her and she gave me so much comfort.  I just hope she knew how much I loved her.  This is so painful.  I am really struggling with the cremation and the fact that she is no longer here.  Thank you for listening.  
Lucy
Quote 0 0