thank you for this space. thank you for your time if you see this.
It’s only been a few hours since I had to make the difficult decision of putting him to rest. I’m feeling so many emotions that I am unsure of how to handle them. My family is quite reserved so leaning on them for support is a not really an option.
the past few weeks he’s developed a terrible hacking cough, I went to a local vet where they diagnosed him with an enlarged heart and prescribed some medication. They did not mention that he was suffering from heart failure. After a rough night of him not eating and taking his medication, I took him to the emergency room when they asked me how long has he been diagnosed with heart failure. I was in anger and shock but stated that I was never told this and was instead told that the medication would help ease his cough. The doctor, understandably distant, expressed their remorse and gave us the option to send him to another hospital in which he would be subjected to tests and exams for an extended amount of time or that he may remain in the hospital over night where he can get limited care due to lack of their own resources.
having cj in my arms when the doctor was telling us this was one of the hardest moments I’ve experienced. I asked if there was an alternate option and the doctor said we can put him to rest and I broke down but I ultimately knew it was the right decision. I’ve been so resistant and wanting him to have a natural passing but I knew that it only would’ve put him through worse.
the whole process was so fast that I barely registered it and I’ve been stuck in a frozen state of grief ever since. His bed and blanket and collar are in his spot and my other dog daisy is sleeping next to his space, almost as if she’s aware that he is in a better place.
I had cj since he was born in 2006 and I knew his time was coming since people always remarked that Pomeranians pass away around 12 but this is so much harder than I could ever had prepared myself for. I was only 7 when I got him and somehow that hurts a bit more, we grew up together. He was my childhood best friend. He was such a small pup but always tried to put up a fight with the largest dogs.
i miss you so much cj, I know that you are running around, peeing everywhere, and being as tough as you are. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.
It hurts so much and I don’t know how to process these emotions in a healthy way. even looking at his pictures send me down a whirlwind of pain and sadness.
I’ve added some pictures to give a face to the name.
I am so sorry for anyone experiencing and dealing with any magnitude of hurt, I have space in my heart for you. Thank your to your time.