Kevinefd444
My wife and I lost our daughter, sweet baby girl Maggie. We have had Maggie(miniature schnauzer) since we first got married 7 and a half years ago. We have not been blessed with children and already know that it may not be possible for us. We see it as Maggie being our first child. Maggie has had a bout with prancreatitis in the past but never again and has always had a small heart murmur. Besides those things she has always been a playful, loving child. The other night my wife calls me Maggie has stopped breathing. Me and a coworker(both fireman) rush to my house. My wife began CPR and we take over but no avail. I am broken instantly. My wife describes to me what happen and she had been fine playing and everything and suddenly made a yelp different then normal and moaned a little while my wife was with her. She suddenly tensed and released and it was over her heart gave out. I have lost before but not like this. Maggie was always by my side. We give her everything and in return we received love and joy and everything from her that could be like no other. She was also spoiled. Already had gifts wrapped under the tree before any others because my wife and I love her. Now, the house is quiet and hurts. I can't bring myself to put away all of her toys so I left a few of her favorites out so I can hold. I can't even lay on the couch the way I would lay and she would lay next to me because I break down. Everything we did revolved around her. I feel lost and hopeless and it hurts my wife even more to see me like this. I lost my best friend, I lost my child, I lost my sweet baby girl Maggie. I have been walking around the house still talking to her as if she is still following me or sitting on the furniture watching me. I still look at the clock to see if it's time to go for a walk if she hasn't already told me. My heart feels broken and I can't look at anything or say anything without it being her. For what I do I don't get out much and I always preferred to stay home with my daughter and wife then going somewheres. I am rambling on and on in circles because I miss her so much. I want to hold her again and her sleep next me and call her my sweet baby girl and she look at me for a rub. Now in a home with just my wife and I and our daughter we had from when we got married, our home feels like a house and we have never been alone. This is terrifing and painful. I don't want her to forget us and I want to be with her again! Please Maggie never forget us. Mommy and Daddy love you our sweet baby girl!
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CK1991
Dear Kevin,

Your post has me in tears. I'm looking at the lovely photo of Maggie at Christmastime and thinking of her presents already under your tree and how painful this all must be. There is nothing that will ease this dreadful pain right now but I want you to know that I know from experience how much it hurts. The pain takes your breath away. Try and take things one day or one hour, or even one minute, at a time.

From your story I think you gave Maggie a wonderful and very happy life. Its hard to process it all right now, as your pain is so great. but when you look back later on you will be happy for that!

I'm so sorry you lost your beloved Maggie.

Hugs to you! CK

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Paulcougar1964
Hello Kevin,

I am so sorry for the grief you are experiencing, and for the loss of your beloved Maggie. I wish I could say that I can't imagine what you're feeling, but most everyone on this site knows the same sense of loss.

The first days and weeks can be very difficult - I'm happy for you that you found this forum. Writing about our losses can help us express our grief, which is crucial to adjusting to our loss.

Maggie is a beautiful and soulful girl, it's easy to see why you have such a bond with her. It must be so sad and difficult to lose her suddenly and at such a young age - the same thing happened with our dog Mickey. I have pounded the steering wheel, loudly and frequently cursed both God and the devil, and cried more in the past three months than in my entire life before that. And I think that I'm starting to adjust to life without him, as sad as that sounds.

Don't let anyone tell you how sad you should be, or how long you should grieve. Some folks don't understand the deep love and bond some folks have with their furry friends. Your grief path will be unique to you - the best piece of advice I got was "If you have 500 tears, don't stop when you get to 250". I hope peace returns to you...

Paul
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Kevinefd444
CK1991 wrote:
Dear Kevin,

Your post has me in tears. I'm looking at the lovely photo of Maggie at Christmastime and thinking of her presents already under your tree and how painful this all must be. There is nothing that will ease this dreadful pain right now but I want you to know that I know from experience how much it hurts. The pain takes your breath away. Try and take things one day or one hour, or even one minute, at a time.

From your story I think you gave Maggie a wonderful and very happy life. Its hard to process it all right now, as your pain is so great. but when you look back later on you will be happy for that!

I'm so sorry you lost your beloved Maggie.

Hugs to you! CK



Thank you CK for your kind words. I does hurt and this morning it feels even worse. I would wake up pet her and then take her outside then we come back in and get back in bed with her mother. Sometimes my wife would take her and then they come back to me. This morning I reached to pet her and she isn't her. I looked out the back window but no Maggie to take outside so I went outside where we buried which is right outside our bedroom window where she would sometimes sit and look outside to see that everything is ok. I went there and talked to her this morning telling her how much I love her and miss her and I hope she doesn't forget us and isn't sad or worried where we are at and one day I so desperately want to be with her again and never let her go.
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Kevinefd444
Paulcougar1964 wrote:
Hello Kevin,

I am so sorry for the grief you are experiencing, and for the loss of your beloved Maggie. I wish I could say that I can't imagine what you're feeling, but most everyone on this site knows the same sense of loss.

The first days and weeks can be very difficult - I'm happy for you that you found this forum. Writing about our losses can help us express our grief, which is crucial to adjusting to our loss.

Maggie is a beautiful and soulful girl, it's easy to see why you have such a bond with her. It must be so sad and difficult to lose her suddenly and at such a young age - the same thing happened with our dog Mickey. I have pounded the steering wheel, loudly and frequently cursed both God and the devil, and cried more in the past three months than in my entire life before that. And I think that I'm starting to adjust to life without him, as sad as that sounds.

Don't let anyone tell you how sad you should be, or how long you should grieve. Some folks don't understand the deep love and bond some folks have with their furry friends. Your grief path will be unique to you - the best piece of advice I got was "If you have 500 tears, don't stop when you get to 250". I hope peace returns to you...

Paul


Thank you Paul. People who know me know that Maggie is one of the biggest things in my life. They know I hurt because they know she was my child. She is the beautiful and soulful and gave me so much love and joy and reason. She fulfilled me my dream of wanting to be a father since we have no others. She let me be her daddy and she was my child. She will always be my first child. I love her and will always love her. I wish I had her back so much I wish we were together again.
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Kevinefd444
Good morning baby girl. Maggie I miss you so much. Today is the 3rd morning I get up and have to face the honest pain of you not here. I still get up early as if to go bring you for your morning walk outside or to rub you and tell you good morning. I know it's hard on your mother too for when she wakes up you are not there for her to hug you like she did. I was hoping to have a dream from you last night but I didn't. I wish for a sign or more a dream for you to let me know that you are okay that you know we still and always will love you and you love us too. That you will never forget us and know we will never forget you. That you are not too sad or depressed and that when we come you will be there the second each of us arrives so we do not have to go another moment without you. We are trying. Yesterday your mother and I talked about how we deal with the grief and it is different for us but we both hurt so much. The silence without you in this house, your home, hurts. The lack of you here for us to touch and hold and play and everything hurts. Maggie my baby girl I speak to you and everytime I do I hope you hear me because I wish I could hear your sweet voice again. Today I will try to take another step for you and one day with you my sweet baby girl. Daddy loves you. Be good. Kiss. I be back later. Love you baby girl.
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CKMP
Kevinefd444,
I am so so sorry for your loss of your sweet Maggie...She is truly a beautiful little girl...Words, really there are none to express the hollowness of the soul and the ache of the heart that settles in when you have lost your so beloved special one.  Your sweet girl will never forget you...you have a bond that is unbreakable by time, or space.  There are those ethereal silly threads that bind your hearts together - and where you are, she is always....She knows your love for her is for always as is hers for you, an unwavering loyalty and devotion...
Our grief takes its own path...and if others do not understand or care to understand, that is truly their loss.  Maggie's life mattered - and she will be grieved and missed and cried for as long as ever it is...I read somewhere that grief really never ends, and when we come to understand this, we begin to learn to live with our grief and without that special furred one physically within our lives... It is a challenge - to begin to learn how to live life differently...
Maggie will be there for you - and her signs will come - [perhaps she is just so overwhelmed by all her new friends and this 'new adventure' she is on for the first few days] Have confidence in that bond - you are her special Dad - and forever and always will be...This journey will be one step forward, and maybe then three back, but your heart will know Maggie is with you for each of those steps.  Take care.
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Kevinefd444
Thank you CKMP. Your words bring a small bit of relieve and a whole lot of tears. Our bond is special. And I do hope she is making friends and not too sad and depressed waiting for us but never forgetting us and waiting knowing one day we will be together. I felt earlier I was making a step forward but then yes three steps back. My nieces came to visit my wife asked them too to try to help. I enjoy them coming and Maggie always did love when they came visit and have to hold it together knowing Maggie would be so happy. Your words of how me and her will be together again and how our love is always and will never forget thank you. All of your words have hit me hard but in a good way. Again thank you. I know I will come back and be reading this post again and again for hope and inspiration.
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normsmom
Kevin,

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet Maggie. The ache of losing her must be unbearable. As you've already seen from the kind posts, there is so much wisdom and understanding here. Honestly, it is one of the only things getting me through. So keep coming back, keep writing to sweet Maggie, and know you are surrounded by people who understand that gutwrenching sorrow. 
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Kevinefd444
Thank you normsmom. Yes I have been receiving so much kindness and love here from everyone. It helps I know it is deep down.
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Kevinefd444
Hey baby girl.  I wonder what you are doing right now.  Probably taking a Maggie nap.  I miss you.  Tomorrow daddy goes back to work since you left me.  I am trying to step forward though.  This morning I got dressed and moved a little but find myself back in the bed with the pillow pushes against my side as if you are still right here.  Sleeping is still somewhat rough.  The pillow doesnt feel the same.  It doesnt push against me or things like you do.  Im so sorry baby girl.  I still worry that you are sad or that you might forget me though everyone has been reassuring me that you wont forget me and you are waiting for me.  Their words are so kind but the pain still hurts.  I want you with me again where I can touch you and rub you and hug you but I know right now that is just not possible.  The tears are slowing down but I still have moments and the pain is still here.  It keeps reminding me how much I love you.  Maybe it is trying to tell me it will always hurt and one day it wont as much but our love will never change.  Everyone has been telling me you will send me a sign and baby girl I am waiting for it just like I wait for the day we are together again.  Daddy isn't forgetting you I hope you know.  Baby girl nothing can replace you.  I am here and soon I will be there.  I told myself yesterday that it broke my heart when you left but at least you have a piece of it with you.  That way you can always feel me.  You can hear my heartbeat when you hold it close just like you would hear when you said so close to me.  Well baby girl I just wanted to talk to you like I always do.  I love you and be good and daddy will be back my love.  Kisses.  I'll be back later.  See you soon.  Love you Maggie. 1911805_10202028868517799_5397789173873241534_n.jpg 
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Kevinefd444
Baby girl today may be one of the harder days since you left. I am going back to work this morning for 2 days. I have to force myself to leave the house this morning. Please be with your mother for these next to days she will be alone without you and please my love be waiting for me because I know that when I come back from work in 2 mornings you will not be in the window waiting to see me drive up or at the front door to tell me you missed me and to never leave again. This morning just getting up and ready for work I always kiss you and your mother before I go but now you are not still in bed next to your mother. I feel that every time I go to work you were telling me you loved me and to be back soon just like I told you I would be. I would peel the sheets back and find that you were laying next to your mother. You would look at me and wag your nub as I would tell you I was going and I love you. I peel them back this morning all I find is the pillow I put next to my side to make me feel like its you next to me. Your mother will not find this any easier. Maggie how I miss you so much I love you without end. Be a good girl, kisses, I will be back my baby girl. Love you.
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Kevinefd444
It has now been two weeks. Being in the house still feels like there is a huge hole.... something missing. It still hurts and doesn't feel like it's getting any better. I still can't bring myself to pick up and save some of your things. If they aren't there the house feels even worse. Everything I do reminds me of you. It is so quiet now without you and there is no sound that drowns out the silence. Today I did things around the house and cleaning the inside and I kept imagining like it was. You sitting on the couch watching me or if you couldn't see me you would come to see what I was doing. I have no one to talk to all day while your mother is at work. You are so beautiful. Your face would and your ways would light up our world. And now with it getting colder you would cuddle even more next to me under a blanket to stay warm and keep me warm too. I still have to sleep with a pillow pressed against my side like you would sleep against me. Without it I can't. We are trying my baby girl but it is still so hard. I love you and be good baby girl. Kisses. We will be together again soon someday my love. Mommy and Daddy always loves you.
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carmens_mom
Kevin, I'm so sorry about your precious Maggie.  She is such a beautiful little princess and from your posts, it's so obvious she was the sunshine in your life.  You are on a very difficult journey now having lost her just weeks ago.  For me, I have found the journey to be trying.  There are days for us that it becomes difficult to breathe, to move about the house because of the reminders of what once was, or to even find a reason to smile.  Your writings have great meaning to me because I found/find myself like you - wondering how do you reconcile in your mind that the most precious being in your life is not there.  Intellectually, I know my life will never be the same and what I'm trying to learn is how I continue to have a productive life.  I know that might sound melodramatic but there's just that constant ache that follows throughout the day. I'm a RN and I see that your are a firefighter.  We are, I guess, what people might consider healers in that we are committed to helping others.  I believe what the emotional side of my brain was telling me was that I should have done more to help my Carmen ie what signs/symptoms did I miss?  But Keven, what I had to reconcile was there were none.  Going over what I could have done, should have done really didn't help because the bottom line was - she was gone.  Right now, what keeps me going each day is knowing that 1) she will always be in my heart and close to me 2) that with all the fun and adventures we had, she knew I loved her to the very depth of my soul and 3) most importantly, I will see her again at Rainbow Bridge and it will be a joyous reunion.   Kevin, my heart goes out to you because of this weight you must carry. But please know, you are not alone. I truly agree with the previous members who remind us to stay close to this website as there are so many of us who have lost our beloved babies and are in varying stages of grief.  So many of them have lifted me with their words of wisdom, hope, and insight.  Take care of yourself Keven - we all understand your pain and pray for your well being. 
My warmest regards,  Carmen's and Gigi's mom - alicia
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Kevinefd444
Thank you carmens_mom. The past few days have been rough. And now I am at work for two days and it is still hitting me but reading your kind words do help. I hope to be reunited with her again one day she was my sunshine. Both to my wife and I she is our sunshine. We are still trying and making it each day one step at a time. I miss her so much but you and everyone else has been so kind and caring and understanding it is helping. Thank you so much.
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