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Gucci

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Reply with quote  #16 
Matthew - Thx for the hug and the beer and your words of sympathy. All we can do is take it one day at a time. It's true that being out of the house can be easier, as work/other tasks put us into a more structured state.

Home, however, is a colossal trigger and an intense emotional minefield because of the memories, visual cues, odours, and an entire complex architecture of routines and movements that were established around a now-absent family member.

It's murderously hard to adjust, and grieving honestly about how awful this recalibration feels is, in my opinion, the only healthy way to begin to move through the anguish. I hope you can access moments of peace and respite...
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Lfc7118

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Reply with quote  #17 
Matthew,
Try clicking the button Expand when it opens you text box it should have a place below it that says upload so that you can upload your picture. I hope this helps.
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Matthew

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Reply with quote  #18 
Here I am on a Monday again. 49 days later. Crabby as hell and just filled with thoughts of that day. This was one of the better weeks Ive had, some big successes in business and lots of company around. But my wife hung the Christmas stockings on the mantle and there was one noticeably missing. Hard to walk by that. My in laws are staying with us this week and they're trying to get in the "spirit" of the season and playing Christmas songs. I want to rip the fKing radio out of the wall with each one. Still hard to sleep in my bed where Twinkie passed in my arms. Feels like one step forward two steps back. 

@gucci @lfc7118 thank you for your support and caring words, they honestly mean so much.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #19 


Dear Matthew,

I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved Twinkie. Your deep love for her is so, so obvious in all of your posts and comments here.

I know you have been reading various threads here on the forum, so I realize that you must have noticed that having your beloved pass away in your arms peacefully, the way your Twinkie did, is quite rare and truly a precious gift in so many ways. As imagine how she felt at the end, knowing that she was very safe in your arms when the time came for her to depart this world. 

So many pets, as you have no doubt read, have far worse passing's. Some painful, some brutal & horrific, some prolonged, some extremely tragic, some that may have been avoided due to an unfortunate accident, and then there are those of us who felt we had to put our beloveds to sleep. To end their lives. Which leaves one racked with overwhelming guilt, remorse and regret. So God bless Twinkie for not forcing you to make that decision for her in the end. She left this World in your embrace. Which is fitting, considering how much you loved, adored and cherished her and how much she loved, adored and cherished you. And for 16 years she was truly an important part of a "family." All dogs should be so fortunate.

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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Gucci

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Reply with quote  #20 
Matthew - It's one thing to suffer directly due to an illness, accident, or loss of a human being dear to us. The agony we feel as we witness the suffering and/or death of our animal companions is heartbreak of a different order because we don't communicate with language; animals represent the closest thing we have to the 'wild' and the instinctual in a world rife with artificiality; and because of their utter dependence on us.

I suspect that for many people who were present when their dog or cat passed away (and as James mentions, some of these episodes can be dreadful and extreme), the fallout ends up being a kind of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) response. The shock and disbelief are stunning, the emotional flashbacks are frequent and unbidden, and there's an obsessive quality to the replaying of aspects that were most disturbing to you.

All of this is completely normal, as are the emotional swings and the ceaseless reminders that nothing is the same. Time continues to unfurl, work carries on, and seasonal events approach - all of it without the one you want to be there. Twinkie was an indissoluble element of your everyday lived reality, and it's impossible to parse out and excise that part of you because it's your identity in question.

That she stayed in your arms until the very end seems highly unusual. Many animals retreat to a secluded spot and remain isolated when they sense a serious systemic disturbance. You were a loving 'papa' to her for 16 beautiful years, you did everything possible to keep her in comfort when she was ailing, and you were totally there for her when she left.

There is no instruction manual to get through this. It freaking hurts like hell. Knowing that others can relate to the feeling of inconsolability is about the only thing that can ease some of the burden.

In your own time, you do start recalling wonderful, positive memories as a counter to what seems like utter blackness now.

Big hugs...take care of yourself.

 

 

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Padric

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Reply with quote  #21 
Matthew,
  We have a few things nearly in common. We had a Dachshund/Chihuahua mix and her name was Tinkerbell. She lived to be 15 but where we differ greatly is that we had to make the gut wrenching decision to end her suffering in a rather unexpected turn of events back in July. That said, I can tell you this:

The pain does subside, but it never truly goes away. There will always be something that catches you unexpectedly that reminds you of them, an event, a particular time of day, week or year. It's been 4+ months since we lost Tink, and I can honestly say that it's only been in the last month or so that things have felt "sort of" normal but even now I still have moments. Frankly, I want to have those moments. I want to have them for the rest of my life because that's part of the memory I have of her, just like I smile when I think of the good things and good times with her.

It's a process. No one can tell you how long it will take, no one can tell you how to grieve. Losing one of beloved fur kids is no different than losing a human loved one. It hurts. It hurts like hell. But it hurts because we loved them. It hurts because we had a relationship with them, a bond with them. Losing that, even when you know that day is coming sooner rather than later, is no easy thing.

If I can add, just as a comparison: My mom died of lung cancer 5 years ago. We knew her death was coming. But even though we knew our days with Tinkerbell were coming to an end, Tink's death hurt way, way more. You see, I had time to talk to my mom. I grieved her death while she was still alive. She grieved with me. I didn't do that with Tink because there was always that thought of "Well, yeah, I knew it was gonna be sooner rather than later but I never thought it would be today". You always think you have more time with them than you do.

Sorry, I know this is long and rambling, but I do hope it helps in some small way.
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Matthew

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Reply with quote  #22 
@memories_of_marrmalade 
@gucci
@padric

you all are unbelievable. The time spent on your posts is not lost on me. I am so appreciative of the time you spent reading our story and caring for my feelings. Save for a few people in my "real life", you've all shown more kindness and understanding than most. Its a path I never wanted to walk, this one. But I am so glad I found you all as my virtual bannisters, as I dont think I would be as "good" as I am today without finding you all. 

My 10 year old daughter recently got guinea pigs, just before Twinkie had passed. I promised myself not to get any attachments to them. But today I had one sit on my lap while I was working on some things and it was kind of nice. 

I haven't slept in my bed in almost a week. I think my wife is upset with me. Which kind of makes me bitter. We dont talk much out loud about Twinkie but t I think thats because she doesnt want to upset me. Its just crawling into bed is not the best mental state for me to fall asleep to after that night. I sleep on the couch in my office - Twinkie and I used to sleep down here when she was coughing and I didnt want to disturb my wife. But she didnt cross over on my couch. I feel bad if my wife thinks its offensive I dont want to sleep with her and Im not sure how to drive home the point of the pain it brings. 
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Gucci

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Posts: 93
Reply with quote  #23 
Matthew - Transitional phases are ALWAYS hard. Your adjustments are on every level, including what might appear to be mundane considerations such as where you sleep in your home.

The grieving process is full of unexpected chicanes, and as you so aptly say, it's a path no one ever wants to walk. Those who suffer certain losses or go through extreme trials are forever changed. You had a certain reality 'before' and now you live in an 'after' that so many others cannot understand except for those who've experienced something similar.

Humans are wired for connection and attachment; that's what makes being bereft of our loved animal companions so arduous. It's like our nervous system is being deprived of necessary sustenance, and that 'withdrawal' can feel agonizing.

I'm glad you were able to experience a moment of pure and simple rapport with your daughter's little guinea pig...2 sentient beings simply 'being', and making contact.

Padric - I felt the loss of my cat Sammi (this past early Oct) who was barely 2.5 years old so much more keenly than the loss of my father several years go. Losing a parent who'd had dementia for many years meant that I was actively preparing myself for his death. Absolutely not so with Sam, and losing him untethered me in a way I couldn't have imagined.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Tink. You did what would be best for her, and that's a central pillar of love - you're thinking of the other more than yourself. 

Sending you both warmest regards; take extra-care of yourselves today.
 
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Matthew

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Reply with quote  #24 
@gucci 

thank you for that and my best to you today as well. Happy thanksgiving to you and all those who have taken the time here in our story. Today was incredibly hard. 

Can someone please send me a fast forward Christmas button? 
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Gucci

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Posts: 93
Reply with quote  #25 
Matthew - I lost Sammi the first week of Oct, and Canadian Thanksgiving was on the 14th. It's a far less involved holiday here, and I didn't have any gatherings I was obliged to endure. I was still numb, and knew there was no way I'd be able to perform any convincing simulacrum of 'normal' behaviour.

I was out last night for a meal with friends I've known for a long time - the first real social event in almost 2 months - and whose company I've always truly enjoyed. I realized that 'distraction' is a highly fickle state of mind. I'd hoped I could be fully present with everyone, but the last half of the evening was a grind.

By the time I got home I was exhausted from the effort of socializing whilst staving off a vague anxiety induced by the energy required to compartmentalize. It was a very peculiar sensation, almost a feeling of suffocation realizing that I simply could not detach from my sadness. It just..clung to me..and no amount of will can induce it to release its grasp just because you want that in the moment.

At the same time, certain music or Netflix offerings will actually change my mental state enough to provide reprieve from my new reality. Then it's right back to it...

Christmas will be hard. I know I have so much to be grateful for in my life, and that the grieving process inevitably entails putting things into perspective and being able to 'relativize' experiences as you gain distance from the rawness of feeling like one massive exposed nerve.

I was finally able to frame one of my favourite photos of Sammi last week, and it's on my nightstand. Small steps, as careful and as delicate as our systems can handle...

Hope you're doing all right, and that the rest of the weekend affords you moments of peace and tranquillity. 


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Matthew

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Reply with quote  #26 
Here I am on another Monday. 

56 days since. 

Ive been so busy at work its been so annoying - you know those times you feel overwhelmed at getting everything done, the stress of the holidays and all that? But for me that's good as I keep my mind off of things. Though I finally got a second to relax and thought about how long its been since I could hold my baby girl. I just wrapped up a 14 hour work day and am kind of wishing I could do a few extra hours to help forget. 

My wife and daughter decorated the Christmas tree yesterday - I am notorious for not helping them with that. I would just pick Twinkie up and put the angel on top. I came out of my office to find the tree decorated, my wife asked if I wanted to hang the angel on top and I politely declined. Both in words and in emotional status. We had 15 pictures of me holding her while I hoisted that angel on the tree each year, but not this one. Thankfully, my wife bought all new ornaments for the tree this year and left all our "memory" ones in the box in the basement, at least for this year. We must have had 50 dachshund and Twinkie picture ornaments. 

I keep trying to attach a picture of her so you can see how beautiful she was but the forum tells me the size is too large. Any tips to help that facilitate would be appreciated. 

I miss you, my ducky doo. 
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Mybeautifulboy

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Posts: 84
Reply with quote  #27 
Matthew, I am having the same problem posting pictures my dachshund Bosco as well. I keep get the same message that the size is too large.
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Matthew

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Reply with quote  #28 
Is it because they were too long too post? Do we need a panorama lens? 😃
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Mybeautifulboy

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Reply with quote  #29 
Haha, perhaps that is the problem.
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Matthew

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Reply with quote  #30 
is it like, 1/2/20 yet?
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