Forum
Sign up Calendar Latest Topics
 
 
 


Reply
  Author   Comment   Page 1 of 2      1   2   Next
Matthew

Registered:
Posts: 23
Reply with quote  #1 
Hi all. 

If you are reading this, you have had loss in your life and for that I am sympathetic and sorry for your loss. 

If you are reading this you are taking the time to help someone in need, and for that I am grateful. 

I have had the honor of being Twinkie's father for the past almost 16 years. She was the cutest, most perfect miniature dachshund. She was my whole world. I wont bore you with the stories of how her and I were soul mates. She loved my wife and daughter as much as someone could love. But her and I were different. We were unbreakable. 

A month and a week ago, while we knew at 15 with some health problems, she wasn't doing well, I still scrambled everything I could do to try and make her better. But that one night, we went to bed together and I woke up to ensure she was OK and found she wasn't breathing. My worst fear had come true and she passed away in my arms. Im so thankful that she chose such a peaceful place with trust in me to have that honor of sending her off from this world. 

But since then I have been a disaster. I am a typically (if you know Scorpios, you know scorpios) shallow person, I dont usually show much empathy for others pain. I guess Im kind of selfish. All I cared about was Twinkie. But since she left Im shutting down slowly. I have a successful business that I run, which when Im working, Im pretty much fine. But when I get home, I re live the events of that night and it just brings me to that feeling of helplessness. I know, and I read that you should cherish the time that you had with them that was perfect - and I do - but please, someone help me get over that hurdle of thinking of that night. She passed away in my arms in my bed. I think Ive been able to sleep in the bed maybe 5 times since then because I break down every time I get in there and replay that night. My wife doesn't think Im crazy (well, maybe lol), but its just so hard. 

Anyones stories or support are really appreciated. Especially if you've had a dachshund. 

Matthew 
0
Mybeautifulboy

Registered:
Posts: 84
Reply with quote  #2 

Hi Matthew, I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious Twinkie. My heart breaks for you and there are tears in my eyes reading about your loss. It has almost been a year since we lost our dachshund Bosco and not a day goes by that I don’ think about him. I have his picture by my bed and I tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him every night and every morning. My husband and I sit out on the patio on some evenings and we both still break down crying when we talk about him. He was 13 when he died and we lost him very suddenly. We still have a 13 year old dachshund Buster and a 14 year old Bailey Rae who we love dearly, but we both had such a special bond with Bosco. 

Again, I am sorry for your loss and you are in my thoughts.

0
Lfc7118

Registered:
Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #3 
Hi Matthew, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Twinkie. I only had my baby Tomas in my life for less than a year and half when he was taken from me. He was an indoor outdoor cat and I let him out like I always did to play. He never came home. It took me almost a week before I found out what happened to me. I replay that day over and over again in my head wondering if I could have changed the outcome. Maybe if I would have just waited 10 more minutes before leaving for work there would have been a different outcome. I hope this grief for you and I ends sooner than later because I too manage ok when I am away from home but I have such a hard time coping once I am in my home. Everything makes me think of him. I do recommend continuing to write on this forum because it is helping me so it could help you too. It gives us the opportunity to get our feelings out and talk to others that also know the pain we are experiencing. We are here for you as long as you need someone to talk to about the grief you feel for your fur baby.
0
Matthew

Registered:
Posts: 23
Reply with quote  #4 
@mybeautifulboy @lfc7118 

Thank you both for your thoughtful and kind words. I had a better week than previous ones but today is one of the hard days. Its been a month and ten days now. My In-laws came in from out of state and Twinkie loved them so much. They've been here for a few hours and nobody has brought her up yet. Im sure its because its the "elephant in the room" and everyone knows how fragile I am about this and they dont want to upset me. They brought their dog with them who is adorable but its so hard to not picture how it would have been a few months ago. 
0
Lfc7118

Registered:
Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #5 
Matthew I am so sorry you are having a bad day today. I know how it is mine really bad day was yesterday. It isn't being around family I do think they are afraid of hurting us so they just say nothing. Not realizing that this hurts just as much as them not saying anything at all. I think the healing process is going to take a long time just because of the true love with felt for our babies. I know that someday it will get easier. For now we will each just have to lean on each other. If you need to talk we are here. Take care of yourself.
0
BoxerMomForever

Registered:
Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #6 
So sorry for your loss Matthew. It sounds like Twinkie was a wonderful dog and your best friend. I don’t have any advice. But I still think of when we were with Lily to put her to sleep. I too can’t get it out of my mind. It was very peaceful but upsetting too. You just want them to live forever. I’m glad I found this place to talk. Because we are all in the same boat and totally understand how hard this is.... Take care and remember we are all here to help each other get through this difficult time. Hugs....
__________________
Linda *Mom to two boxer angels* Lily {White Girl} 6/22/09 - 10/14/19 Ginger {Flashy Fawn Girl} 6/4/97 - 5/28/09
0
Matthew

Registered:
Posts: 23
Reply with quote  #7 
@lfc7118 @boxermomforever thank you both for your reassuring messages. 

Its another Monday, the day Twinkie passed away (5 weeks ago today) and as I go through my usual routine and the time winds down to when she passed, things get challenging again. 

It was a Monday, and while she was not in great health, the days leading up to it showed no signs of her impending death. She was on some strong medication that did not wear off, and my wife stayed home from work to be with her as it was taking her a bit to become "un-loopy". I finished work and came home, and she was walking around, and while not perfect, showed signs of improvement from the night prior and that morning. My wife suggested I take her to the vet to get checked just to be sure, to which I immediately agreed (thank god I did, else my guilt for not would have been unbearable) and she got a shot and a check from her favorite doctor. We drove in the sunset home and she was resting comfortably on the couch. Going blind a year or so earlier, she had not the best sense of day or night and would be waking up in the middle of the night barking and needing to pee. I told my wife that Twinkie and I should take a nap around 9, catch some Z's and if she woke up later, she could take that shift and I would take over around 3am. We went to bed around 9, I put on a beautiful meditation playlist on youtube, and I told her she was my best friend and how much I loved her. We drifted off to sleep, her cradled in my left arm, and I remember with such clarity that she licked my left two first fingers and I fell asleep. 

Not too long after (as those of you with dogs who are ill), I woke up with my hand on her chest and felt her not breathing. And the worst night of my life ensued. I shook her, called her name, and she was just limp. I ran downstairs and called my wife and she immediately knew. I raced upstairs to get my pants on, grabbed her and got in the car. I did 170mph on the highway and blew every red light in my way. Gave her mouth to mouth the entire time but she was gone. Got to the vet and passed her to the technicians and they confirmed my worst fears. 

Its five Mondays in and I cannot help but be in a perfectly a$$hole mood each and every one because I re-live those events each and every one. For those of you who have had similar experiences, can you tell me it gets better? The rest of the week I can pretend and fake it that Im living a normal life, but really Im just thinking about how much I want to hold her again. But Mondays are just exceptionally hard. 

Thank you to all of you on this forum who listen and comment. I read lots of your other threads and want to say so much and help comfort all of you but Im still in the throes of my own misery right now and its hard to help share, I hope you understand. 

Matthew
0
Lfc7118

Registered:
Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #8 
Matthew it has been almost 2 weeks since my baby went missing and it has been a week today that I found out he had been killed by a car. I like you fake it most days of the week so I can make it through work. I relive that day he went missing all the time wondering what I could have done differently to have changed the outcome. I can't tell you if it gets easier because I am not there either. I write to you all on the forum because it gives me an outlet so I can get some of my feelings out. I don't know where I be if I wouldn't have found this forum. Just know that we are all here to help you through you grief no matter how long it takes. I think as long as we lean on each other we can make it through it. Louetta
0
Matthew

Registered:
Posts: 23
Reply with quote  #9 
@lfc7118

I am so sorry for your loss and the way it happened. To know you are not alone is helpful to me and I hope it is for you as well. dont you hate the seemingly innocuous question "How are you doing?" I try and think of every creative answer to say something other than OK because Id be lying, like most of you. If anything they have taught us a lesson in sympathy for others feelings. 

Its just so damn hard pretending that I felt a month ago. My ten year old daughter is so full of joy and life but I struggle to smile for her accomplishments and her pride. And it makes me feel like sht because thats not what Twinkie would have wanted but I just. Cant. Shake. The. Mondays. 
0
Lfc7118

Registered:
Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #10 
Matthew I would have to say I am managing. I put on fake smile every time I go to work or if I am on the phone for work. Each day is a struggle. One minute I will be fine and the next I am crying. I live alone so my cats are my only companions. Tomas was the new member to my family so to lose him so soon after he became a member leaves me wondering why. I have lost other pets in my life but the pain from losing him is unbearable. It is a pain I have never felt before. It is hard to smile when all we want to do is cry. We will get through this together. As long as you need someone to talk to we will be here to talk.
0
Matthew

Registered:
Posts: 23
Reply with quote  #11 
Why are the nights so hard? During the day Im OK putting on a happy face but when I get home its so challenging. 
0
Mybeautifulboy

Registered:
Posts: 84
Reply with quote  #12 
The nights were brutal for me as well. When I finally did fall asleep it would only be a short time and then I would wake up and the realization that Bosco was gone would punch me in the gut and the tears flowed. It was a vicious cycle that for me lasted several months. I really feel for you Matthew, and I am sorry that you are just at the start of this sad journe.
0
Lfc7118

Registered:
Posts: 37
Reply with quote  #13 
Matthew,
I feel the nights are hardest for us because we are home the place where all the memories took place with our babies. The place where they are no longer coming back to us for one more snuggle or pet rub. I believe they are the hardest because the rush of memories flood us when we are close to where it all began and ended. I too do well when out in the work world but once I get home all my memories come fluiding back and I have a hard time. Just know we are hear for you when you need to talk.
Best wishes. Louetta
0
Gucci

Registered:
Posts: 93
Reply with quote  #14 
Matthew - Losing your beloved Twinkie was a huge trauma for you. Full stop.

It's completely normal that you re-live that last night with her and question what you did, what you might have done, what you didn't do, etc. etc. The thing about loving our animal companions is that we can be completely open-hearted about it.

We can interact without any filters, without any fear of rejection, we're never judged for our appearance or habits, and this degree of unconditional acceptance and attunement is simply not possible with humans because human dynamics are mediated by so many other elements, most of all verbal language. 

It's precisely because we can allow that degree of vulnerability in ourselves, and see their vulnerability in needing us for shelter, food, and care, that we will suffer profoundly when we lose them, no matter how that happens. They infuse every aspect of our lives, and suddenly having that taken away is a monumentally horrifying experience.

5 Mondays of grieving is nothing; you've just begun the process, and you can't coerce yourself into any shortcuts. Grief is absolutely immune to intellectualization; there's only feeling, and sometimes it can be absolutely overwhelming.

I'm still attempting to cope after losing my beautiful cat Sammi almost 7 weeks ago. Some days I still can't believe it, and as much as my daily routines continue, part of me is completely divorced from all of that because of the awareness of his absence. It's horrendous.

What's been helpful to me is simply respecting the depth of my loss, not castigating myself for whatever I feel, and expressing myself on this forum. We're now adapting to a gruelling new reality, and having the mutual support and understanding has been a sanity-preserver for me.

I'm so so sorry Twinkie's gone; I know she leaves a huge hole in your life that can never be fully replaced. Please continue to post and share what you're going through; we're here to support you.  
0
Matthew

Registered:
Posts: 23
Reply with quote  #15 
@gucci

I read, and re read your eloquent and perfectly prosed post a few times and you really hit the nail on the head. I am so sorry too for the loss of your Sammi. You are two weeks deeper than I am but your logical rationalization is decades beyond mine. The time you spent crafting that reply has not gone to waste and you have made this lonely guy in NY feel just that much better, and sometimes thats all we need to get through the night. 

I wish there was something so verbose and nail on the head accurate I could say to you for the loss of your son, but Im not sure I could type it out much better than you. Im giving you a hug and buying you a beer if that helps at all. 

@lfc7118

Thank you too Louretta for your support and kind words, I read your message at work and tried t give a little rationale to myself as I pulled in the driveway tonight. I gave her sarcophagus a kiss as I do every morning and night and tried to be strong. So far, tonight is not one of the bad ones. My wife ordered me a bottle of I-Theanine pills, which I read here that is helpful, so going to try one and see if it improves morale. 

Id like to post a picture of Twinkie so you guys can see how damn beautiful she was, but I cant figure out how to do that, any hints?
0
Previous Topic | Next Topic
Print
Reply

Quick Navigation:

Easily create a Forum Website with Website Toolbox.