PhyllisB
I have vented my grief & hurt in several letters to myself since the death of my lovely bundle of joy, an all black rescued kitten. In these letters I vented, got angry & my last letter was to my bundle of joy, Barbie telling her in wriiten words how much I love her.
When we chose her out of a litter of 5 she was just a 6 weeks old kitten. Soon we bonded, we played, we cuddled & I don't even remember when exactly, I fell in love with her.
4 days ago I saw her enjoying her favorite passtime, sniffing in the grass outside the gate & the all of a sudden a car sped down our country lane so fast, hit my Barbie & she flipped over several times. I ran out to her & heard her painful cry. Cradled her in my arms, screaming to my husband to get the car out to get her to the vets. She fitted in my arms, lost control of her bladder, opened her eyes & looked at me, gave a weak meow, closed her eyes & died.
She was only 13 months old. We had less than one year together why then do I hurt so much? Why can't I stop crying? Can't sleep nor eat? Want to die myself. My grief is so profound it frightens me. I am scared of loosing sight of reality, of loosing myself in this nightmare.
I don't know how to help Suti (Barber's adopted sister) for she is clearly missing Barbie too. She is wandering aimlessly looking into cupboards & nooks in search of her sister. After a period of time she would come to me and give a me a pitiful meow then she would go on my bed to lie down under the bedspread (Suti normally only hides when she is frightened, such as loud noises like fireworks etc). We are so lost & can only hope time will heal.
I am so thankful for this forum where in here is a safe place to share my experiences without fear of judgement, where I can lay bare my fragile soul.
Thank you for taking the time to read my feelings. Thank you for your honesty in your letters too for in them I can now see a glint of light.
Take care of yourself too

Quote 0 0
Robsy
Oh I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby, Barbie. How absolutely heartbreaking it must have for you to have her pass in your arms like that. It's so sad too when their little friends are left behind and having to watch them grieve and fret too. I'm sure you will give all your love and support to your little kitty at this very sad time. Thinking of you and sending you warm hugs, Robyn  
Quote 0 0
Sooz
I am so very very sorry -- I cannot imagine the horror of this, losing your baby in such a terrible way!  

Your precious Barbie knew, every day and even now and into the future, that you love her with all your heart!  Each day of her too short time with you was filled with love... she KNEW your love, your unwavering delight in her, every day!  

I'm so sorry for you, and your family, and little Suti who doesn't understand anything other than Barbie is not there.

You are not alone.

Heaven is the place where all the dogs you've ever loved come to greet you.
Quote 0 0
PhyllisB
Thank you. Its hard at the moment because Suti wanderings & restlessness wakes me up from about 2am. While she then sleep from 6am till about lunch time I have to attend to my family's needs. Not eating a meal since Barber's passing is also making me more vulnerable. I need to pull myself out of this downward spiral. Thanks for your support xx
Quote 0 0
PhyllisB
Robsy wrote:
Oh I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious baby, Barbie. How absolutely heartbreaking it must have for you to have her pass in your arms like that. It's so sad too when their little friends are left behind and having to watch them grieve and fret too. I'm sure you will give all your love and support to your little kitty at this very sad time. Thinking of you and sending you warm hugs, Robyn  
Quote 0 0
PhyllisB
Thank you for the warm hug. Am gratefully x
Quote 0 0
catiebee
Hi Phyllis. I'm terribly sorry for what happened to your beloved Barbie. That is beyond heart rending. Seeing such a thing is unbearable.

During the worst of my grief, I was able to drink smoothies. I don't know whether that is appealing to you, but I could get liquid down, while I could not manage solid food yet.

I hope Suti will settle so you will be able to get some sleep soon, some real rest.

Healing takes a long while. I dearly wish it didn't. But somehow each day there is strength to get through it, even when it feels impossible. And for awhile the grief does feel completely outrageous and unsustainable. 

I hope it will help you to connect with others here who have known the pain of loss. Again, I'm so very very sorry for your pain and all you're suffering in your loss. Hugs to you.
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
Quote 0 0
PhyllisB
Hi Catie,
Thank you for your words of reassurance & comfort.
I am on lots & lots of green tea but had my first salad today & must admit I enjoyed the first 2 mouthful & had to abandon it when it felt like dry straw in my mouth.
I too am sorry for your loss
Together, with help & support (such as this forum) I am sure we will heal in our own time.
Suti was better last night because she was quiet till 05:30hrs this morning. She is also starting to play catch with me again.
All the very best to you & God bless xx
Quote 0 0
msweet13
Dearest Phyllis - I am so very sorry for your loss of Barbie in such a very tragic way. I also am sorry that Suti is having a hard time with her loss. I am troubled when I read that surviving mates of fur-babies who have gone also go through their own grief and it is very hard to figure out what they need--they do not have the luxury of going to a wonderful site like this to help them along this path. If I may make a suggestion--Feliway is a product designed for cats to help them with different situation. In essence, it is a plug-in, like a room freshener, the emits simulated pheromones that a mother cat emits when she has her kittens. I have one for multi-cat situations that deal with aggression because I have 3 kitty-kats and 1 of them gets aggressive when I bring another one home from the vets. They also have formulations for comfort, which I have in the wipe version, and use in the carrier when I have to take one to the vet. It is available on Amazon and Chewy.com. This is only a suggestion and rest assured I do not get any kickbacks nor do I sponsor this product. My vet uses these in all their cat treatment rooms and they do seem to help. Something like this may help Suti find some comfort in her loss.

Again, sorry for your loss. I send warmest hugs and blessings of comfort.
Denise (Brutus' Mom)
Brutus von Dolce
06/19/2006 - 03/16/2018
RIP my sweet beautiful boy
Quote 0 0
PhyllisB
Thank you msweet13 for your advise. I will certainly pop to the vets to get one even though Suti seem to be improving. She is playing catch with me this morning which is a good sign. Last night she did not wake till 5:30am this morning.
I too can talk about Barbie now & look at her photos with a smaller lump in my throat. Still miss her a lot.
This forum has helped & I am glad I found you guys or rather you took the time to read my rantings & even more appreciated are your replies.
Suti & I are indebted to you all
Thank you & God bless x
Quote 0 0
catiebee
Phyllis, I hope both eating and sleeping grow easier to do. I'm glad to read that Suti is faring a little better. 

Moreso, though, I hope your heart starts to heal from your loss. The increments are slow. Yet the heavy load gets a tiny bit better and lifts a little as time passes. I hope your days will soon grow easier to bear.
Catie
-Missing Marissa deeply
Quote 0 0
PhyllisB
Thanks Catie, Suti slept in my bed for about an hour last night. I am so grateful that she is finally finding security in me again. Small steps xx
Quote 0 0