thegailes
Part of me died yesterday❣️ My eyes are so swollen , my cheeks sting, can't eat. My husband took our Lucky to the vet yesterday and had him put down. He, Lucky was old when we rescued him. He lived just over 6 years with us. But I feel like I sent him to his death. I could join no way be part of that. And I'm trying to see the other side. But I'm in so much pain I can't see past this . 😭😭😭😭😭
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Memories_of_Marmalade

Dear Robin,

I am very sorry & saddened to learn of your and your Husband's recent loss of your beloved "Lucky."

"Lucky" looks like such a sweet & "Knowing" dog in the wonderful photo image that you shared. I am glad that Lucky's path crossed with you & your husband's when they did, especially with "Lucky" being older and in need of a family. It is admirable that you adopted him when you did and provided him with a home filled obviously filled with love, affection, adoration, empathy, compassion and caring. What every pup deserves.

I too lost an older rescue recently. 10 weeks ago I had to put my best friend down, an orange & white Tabby cat named "Marmalade." I only knew him for about 4.2 years, but those years shined like the sun with his unforgettable presence in my life. He was deaf and chronically ill, but he was happy, content and grateful. I am so glad that in some ways I may have made his last years less uncomfortable. I know without a doubt that he passed away knowing how greatly he was loved.

In the end I could simply no longer allow my boy to be in pain & continue to suffer the way that he was. He was becoming a shadow of his former self. By showing him mercy, I made a bargain with myself. If his pain & suffering would end? I would allow it to be transferred onto me. I would absorb his pain & suffering. Now I am trying to process that pain & suffering, through the time I must spend in grief & sorrow. And yes, in guilt & regret. This is what many of us here are in the process of.

I hope that someday soon, when you think of your "Lucky" all that shall come into your mind, are your absolute favorite and most loved & cherished memories of your boy.

Kind regards & my sincerest condolences,
James
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thegailes
Thank you so much for the kind words. That's kind of the same idea we came to. But I just wasn't prepared for this unbelievable pain and sadness. And our vet said we could have some more time if we fed him pain medication . My head just goes back and forth on knowing it was right but feeling like I betrayed him.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your tabby Marmalade. Lucky loved cats. So maybe they are together.

My condolences sincerely,
Robin
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Hi Robin,

I administered pain meds to Marmalade and he had anti-inflammatory injections as well over a few months. It didn't matter. As so many who post here will also share with you. It was just too much for him being a senior. He was tired of all the medications. Sometimes that is the case.

I could simply not continue to allow him to be in the process of "dying vs. the process of "living." He was "having more bad days than good days." And he was "not engaging in some of his favorite activities anymore." It was a "quality of life" issue vs. a "quantity of life" issue. I had to ask myself: "Am I keeping him around for my needs? Or for his needs?" All of these stock questions and answers totally apply. They have lasted because they are 100% applicable.

I am completely devastated as you are Robin. Especially with the endless 2nd guessing. The guilt the regret. But if my feeling destroyed the past 10 weeks, somehow spared my boy from feeling agony? And fear? And terror? And utter confusion etc.? Then I say "BRING IT ON." I will take it for him. I will absorb it willingly. Again, that is the bargain that we made. And it is well, well worth it. Even with what we are feeling and having to endure. So again I say "BRING IT. BRING ON THAT GRIEF! JUST SPARE MY BOY!"

I know you will agree.

All best,
James
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jerigraehl
I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are in right now. I am right there with you as I just lost my very very very loved Khaomanee last sun 7-21-19. I made the same choice to let him go instead of prolonging the suffering. I second guess how I handled it and if I make the right choice. In the end I looked at his age - 15. I did make some wrong choices in his illness treatment and it got very bad due to it.  I too am in horrible pain. My story is on here. This site is literally the only thing that has kept me going. I don't have family to speak of so my pets have been and really have always been my family. Khaomanee had just turned 15. I am not happy with how I handled his illness and the trauma of the last night and hour with him and being there as the life left him is literally so traumatizing I have hardly eaten since. I want him back so bad as I am sure you can attest to feeling the same. The bond we form with an animal can be so deep that no human bond can match it. This is in part because it is pure and untainted by resentment and anger and they completely depend on us to make choices for them. I have been here before. Each time it is equally painful but each time it is also different because the relationship is different each time as is what has happened in the time they were with them, how we brought them into our lives, the circumstances in which we lost them etc. I have had a few losses prior. It in no way makes this one any less painful. I am so grief stricken I can barely function right now. I feel like part of me has died. I miss him so much and everywhere I look around my house I see him. I just want to say that you are not alone. I keep running through my last hour and the last night with him and second guessing my decision to stop treatment. It really traumatized me to be there in his final moments. There are no words to express how bad I feel. So....you are certainly not alone. I am signed up for the Mon candle light vigil. I hope to see you there. Make sure you know the time difference. I am in Calif so I was off by an hour and missed it last mon. They say to go on early in case you want to chat or read the chats. I don't have Khaomanee's ashes back yet but plan to be on to light candles around his picture and just share everyones loss together. I am very sorry. Also I have to point out how wonderful it was that you adopted Lucky later in life and gave a loving home. You are so loving and wonderful to have done that. I am sure he is well aware of what you did. Jeri
jerigraehl
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Memories_of_Marmalade


Jerry wrote:

"This site is literally the only thing that has kept me going. I don't have family to speak of so my pets have been and really have always been my family." 

I feel the same way. This forum has been a Godsend to me. I don't have any family to speak of either. Marmalade was my only family and I was fine about that. I didn't need more than him in my life.

"Khaomanee had just turned 15. I am not happy with how I handled his illness and the trauma of the last night and hour with him and being there as the life left him is literally so traumatizing I have hardly eaten since. "

Also same here. I am down to 1 meal a day. I must have lost at least 20 to 25 lbs. in the last 10 weeks since Marmalade departed. He and I had worked so hard trying to put weight onto both of us, after having been homeless for 3 1/2 months and on the road. But I've lost all that I had regained. I have to force myself to each that 1 meal a day.

"I want him back so bad as I am sure you can attest to feeling the same. The bond we form with an animal can be so deep that no human bond can match it. This is in part because it is pure and untainted by resentment and anger."

I concur. In my case, I gave up on family, friends and business colleagues after decades of nothing but endless cutthroat backstabbing and betrayal. Marmalade was all that I needed in my life. And now he is gone. Never to be replaced. 

James
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Zaneta
Dear Robin,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose your beloved friend. I lost my Bella last Tuesday night and I am devastated. On the first day after I lost her I thought I’d need medical help. You need to cry you mourn your Lucky any way you need to. Yesterday was a third day I still hurt and cried, but was feeling a bit better than the two days prior. However, today is a fourth day and again I cry and hurt so much. I feel like I’m suffocating. My throat and chest feel so heavy and in pain. I know what you must feeling for having your dog put to sleep. I was always dreading it for the time to happen to my Bella, but tried to tell myself that at least she will have my husband, my son, my daughter, and I who will be with her until her last breath giving her love. Unfortunately, my baby, my Bella drowned. My love, my baby, my beautiful Bella was motionless at the bottom of my pool. I hurt so much for her and that she was struggling to survive and I wasn’t there to help her as I was two previous times.

I am sorry for your loss of your beloved lucky. I am sending you hugs. I am hurting like you.
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thegailes
Thank you that helped knowing I'm not alone. It means a lot❣️

Sincerely, Robin
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thegailes
Thank you for such kind words and for responding. We share a lot in common. I to look for him around the house. Sometimes it catches me so deep I can't breath, yet I'm bawling. Yesterday I thought was better, I could journal about him. Today I can barely see to type, please pardon the typos. I did sign up for the candle night. I am in VA but I am going to be early just in case I can't figure something out. So our candles will be lit for Lucky and Khaomanee . I am very sorry for your pain and loss as well. Do you have a residency page for Khaomanee?

Sincere condolences,
Robin
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thegailes
Marmalade looked precious. I understand now how this helps. I have my husband, who was there and except for talking about the day at the vet when he cried for a while he seems back to normal. So I feel alone even in my own house with this. I can't eat it feels like my stomach is tied in knot's up to my throat. I'm so sorry about your Marmalade. I'm sorry if my thoughts aren't quite all put together, I'm just falling apart. I can't see here and can't remember, dose Marmalade have a residence page here? I ask because I'd like to see it. Thank you for answering and posting.

Sincerely,
Robin
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thegailes
I am so Sorry for the loss of your Bella. I have the same feelings like I can't breath but I'm bawling. I look around the house for him. I have two other dogs one is older than Lucky was And I can't keep from thinking we're going to lose her too. We lost our little Peewee around my birthday in January. She was 17. But she died of natural causes at home with us and it was so hard then. This has been just excruciating . Are you on the Candle Light list for Monday? I'm so sorry you lost your bells too.

My sincere condolences,
Robin
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Zaneta
Yes, I have my Bella on the Candle Light list. I’ll be praying tomorrow with you all for my Bella and other fur babies. ❤️❤️❤️
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