Pisiciul
pisiciul.jpg 

At first I thought I'd just reply to some of you here and not start my own topic. But then, I realized I needed support as I'm heartbroken.

The following story was written as a reply to another sad mom already but will be all right if I just put it again here.

I lost my boy on Friday, a beautiful birman/balinese soul with the most beautiful hypnotic blue eyes.

He was loosing weight and looking a little lost. I was worried so I rushed for a vet check that afternoon. Apparently the stress of the visit at the clinic was too much for his little heart. He was back to "all good" once we got home, I gave him his favorite meal and minutes later he went in my bed for his regular siesta after the delicious dinner. It was routine, nothing different from any other day. But then I heard a noise. Thinking he was climbing some stuff and everything collapsed, I went to check on the situation. Couldn't see him anywhere and no other visible damage. I looked in other rooms as well - nothing. Came back to the bedroom as I heard some weak noise like he was coughing. He was hidden under the bed, laying on a side and gasping for air. I didn't realize he was in big trouble so I called him as usual but he didn't look up at me. Then... then it's that sharp pain in the heart when you know. You know something is terribly wrong. TERRIBLY. I asked my husband to come right away, I didn't dare to grab him out. In my husbands hands he was lifeless. His eyes were not his eyes anymore and his body was all soft and hanging. I could only moan "What's wrong with you, baby? Baby!".

While my husband was trying CPR on him, I rushed to make an emergency call. I was rambling, shaking and so were my hands as I was struggling to make an emergency phone call. I could barely press the buttons when hubby said "You don't need to call anymore, there's nothing to be done..."

I came back to face the cruel reality. Our boy was gone. Laying on the floor, without breath, he looked like he was sleeping. Except his eyes, they were no longer those beautiful blue round eyes... It's so hard to accept and understand. All I could say was "I can't believe this is happening now, I can't believe. Please god, wake me up, it's the worst nightmare, please wake me up and let me see my boy."

I blame myself for taking him to the vet. Everybody says I did the right thing because I wanted him to be well. Hearing the very sad news and seeing the blood test results the next morning, the vet suggested HCM, a fatal and hidden heart disease. He assured me it would have happened at any time now. But how's that even possible, I thought. My boy was Superman, never been sick, lived 17 years and we agreed on breaking the record. And why was I rushing to see the vet? Why on Friday? Why not some other day, way later? 
I saw him melting and I wanted to get a treatment before everything would close because of the coronavirus problems. I was worried about the sudden weight loss and a few other signs and almost panicked. I knew that ignoring the problem won't make it go away and given his age, timing is the key. 

Just like many of you you, I blame myself. I know, I tried to do what should have been the best for him. Unfortunately, there's never fun at clinics or hospitals. At least if I called doc  to come home, which I blame myself for not doing it to reduce the stress. At the clinic, I asked doc to let me and my husband hold him so we can give him comfort. The investigation was mild, he was not stressed for a long time, just a couple of minutes. But... 

At home, we were pretty addicted to each other, always looking for one another and expressing love in the sweetest and childish ways possible.

Last year we moved from Romania to the UK. Our plans included him as a priority. There was not even for a second, any idea of leaving him behind, with my mom for example. We drove for three days, crossed 8 European countries with our baby in the car. Sadly, flight companies refuse pets in/out UK. A silly law but, oh well, we adapted. He was fantastic during the journey. A 15 year old cat, first time taken out of his home, coping so well was amazing, really. 

He was everywhere. He still is. He is in my blood and in my heart. We buried him on Saturday in a nice place, with sun and a little shadow, where he can hear the birds and the wind through the trees. We've given him all of his mice toys and balls, his favorite wet food and two red roses. And his favorite soft bed. 

I asked him if he ever wanted, or if he ever think that's possible, I asked him to come back to us, in any form or shape he would like and then, then we will know. We will know it's him. I live with this hope now, thinking someday, not too soon, but later, someday we will reunite. 

The hardest part now is to cope with the thought I left him in a dark and cold grave, far from me. Far from mommy. How can I apologize to him the best way? How can I make him hear me?.. How can I be sure he is OK and not needing mommy anymore? 

My heart is heavy and he deserves all of my tears. He never liked to see me sad or crying, but this time he needs to understand that I miss him.

The photo was taken last year on April 2. 
 
Pisiciul
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LaGata
Your story is much like mine and you are right, there are just no words that will comfort.  I don't understand and I know I never will.....your last paragraph brought back all the pain and tears.  I want to know WHY!  I wasn't smart enough to take her body to a vet.  I question everything I didn't do before that day.  I don't know how to forgive myself.  Thank you for your post and I hope you find some comfort.
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Pisiciul
Dear LaGata, as you can probably notice, we all blame ourselves for either taking our babies to the vet or missing this chance. There is never a perfect way if end is near. I'm sure you loved your furry child so much. Maybe I misunderstood. If you meant to say that you didn't take her body to the vet after... then I don't know. The word "dispose" sounds horrible and I would have never been able to live with myself if I did so.

We will find comfort, it's always like that. We don't believe it now, because the pain is huge. 

I told my boy, actually I spoke to the two red roses above him, I told him that, if he ever wants or can, maybe he could come back to me, in any form or shape, and then I will know. I will know it's him. I live with this hope now, that someday, not soon, but later, someday, he will come back to mommy. 

Hugs
Pisiciul
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Pennysforevermom
My heart aches for both of you. I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I lost my baby on Saturday. I'm barely functioning. I believe that we will be reunited with our babies in heaven. That thought helped me to sleep last night. But I woke up this morning wanting her here with me. I know how you feel. I truly do.
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Molly4always
Sometimes I think that the moment my Molly’s heart stopped beating that she just flew up to heaven. She’s truly happy and feels like a kitten again.  That thought helps even though I miss her and wish she was still with me looking up at me with those beautiful golden eyes.
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Pisiciul
Dear Pennysforevermom, it is so unfair and sad that we lost our babies and we are here together in grief and tears. I feel your struggle too and I wish I could do something to ease your pain.

I look at his photo that I posted yesterday and I cannot believe he is now under this topic. It feels strange and more like a never-ending nightmare. 

Please be strong, we are dealing with difficult times and we need strength and resources to fight for our health and future.

Hugs
Pisiciul
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Pisiciul
I had to edit my initial message as it was copy pasted from my reply to Cupcake and it almost made no sense to others reading it here. I'm sorry about that. 

Still crying, still missing him, still waiting for him to come to me, very vocal, very demanding and sweet at the same time. I want to hear those paws on the floor. And then take those in my hands and make my boy purr. Am I asking for too much, baby? You used to do this easily every single day. Why stopping now? At least if I could be sure you really don't need your mommy now and you are happy, wherever you are. 

What am I supposed to do with all those words I used for calling you? What about the gestures? All day and sometimes at night trying not to wake you up or trying to avoid an accident. I don't want to "relax" now, I want to continue to pay attention to you. But you need to be here. 

17 years of everyday life together. Very hard. Unbearable. 
Pisiciul
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Pisiciul
Dear Molly4always, it can't be otherwise than the way you pictured it. Up there, in their Heaven, there are all our babies. I bet my boy reunited with the 2 guinea pigs we lost a few years ago and together they wait for mommy and daddy to join someday. In the mean time, there's plenty of yummy treats, a beautiful playground, forever sunshine and butterflies to make them jump with joy. They so deserve it!! 
Pisiciul
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Pisiciul
My dear boy,

It's been a week. The sadness is unbearable. The only way I can find my peace is thinking you are in the other room, sleeping. No matter where I am, you are in the other room. And I'm fine with it, I know how much you like to sleep. I am careful not to wake you up. But, it's been a week and I begin to realize I haven't seen you at all. Are you always sleeping now? And why are you always in another room that the one I'm in? And why are you so tired that you stopped coming to me? Will you try next week maybe? 

Are you well? Are you happy? Can you tell me in a dream?
Pisiciul
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Bigcatsdad
Pisiciul,
I'm so very sorry for your loss, he looked like a friendly handsome guy.
Almost 2 months ago we had to make the painful decision to put to sleep Albert, my buddy, my big clack cat, he was 16. He developed an inoperable mass in his abdomen. I was there with him holding him in my lap through it all and long after he passed. I know the look that you spoke of, pets do not close their eyes when they are put to sleep, they stay wide open. The cold, empty lifeless blank stare on Albert is something that will haunt me forever. I can close my eyes right now and see this and it makes me cry. This was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and it has been truly heart breaking and painful.  I can't imagine what you are going through having a little one go suddenly like that. The vet told us that cats have a really good way to hide and mask pain and health issues, by the time they actually start to show symptoms it can actually be too late. Your little furry one may have had heart problems for a long time and you never knew until it was too late. Our little ones become such an integral part of our lives and touch our soul, we kind of take this for granted that they will be with us forever. When we have to say goodbye it's truly devastating and hurts so much. They leave their paw prints across our broken hearts. It's been almost 2 months and I still miss my big guy every day, I still have to have a little cry. You gave your furry one a good loving home and life and he knows you really loved him. I hope you can eventually find a little bit of comfort knowing this once the initial heart break and grief begins to subside a little. Your little ones spirit will be with you forever and visit you in your dreams once in a while, they stop in from time to time just to make sure things are OK but's it's always on their time.
My heart goes out to you.
Bigcatsdad
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Molly4always

Pisiciul, I’m so sorry you’re still struggling so.  The first few weeks after I lost my Molly were the hardest; crying every day and expecting her to be in every room.  There were times I didn’t think I’d make it but somehow I did.  It’s been over two months but I still miss her so much, sweet Molly.  Always in my heart.


Bigcatsdad, my kitty didn’t close her eyes either.  But when I think of that moment, I think she’s not there anymore, she’s in heaven.  I imagine her playing with the other animals and, occasionally, looking down hoping to see me soon.  

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