On Monday I said goodbye to my miniature dachshund Boomer. He was 12.5 years old. We knew that we didn't have a lot of time left with him but the situation that resulted in his passing was unexpected. 
When Boomer was 4 he was diagnosed with immune mediated hemolytic anemia, where the immune system kills your red blood cells. We found it on routine blood work because he was already on medication for epilepsy. His blood counts were so low he shouldn't have even been able to stand but he was acting almost normal, just a little tired. We noticed he was eating dirt and happened to mention it and discovered his diagnosis. He needed a blood transfusion, he wasn't regenerating at first. The specialist gave us no hope. Another vet gave us a 50/50 chance. We started him on prednisone and prayed. He was a miracle, he slowly started regenerating. We tried to get him off the Prednisone but he would relapse so for the past 8 years he was been on it. 
The past year you could really see the side effects of his treatment taking its toll on his body. Cushing's disease, chronic ear infections, chronic pancreatitis, arthritis, and recently diagnosed with a parathyroid tumor that required a risky and expensive surgery. Yet, with all that going on you would never know. He had such a strong will to live.  One thing about Boomer is he could never be alone because he never was. My mother was disabled and was able to be home with him so he was never left alone. Until 2 years ago when she had a stroke and ended up in a nursing home. Unfortunately this came around the same time his problems started to get worse.

At that time I had a baby and took a year off so I was able to be home for him. Until August when I went back. He would literally cry all day long. Never stopping. I know, because I had a camera for him. He was territorial and could bark and growl at people but his triggers were food. We were nervous when my daughter was born but he was great with her. He always worried when she cried, sat by the pack and play. Let her pet him. Then 2 months ago, when I was playing peek-a-boo with her he nipped at her hand. It was very upsetting but didn't seem like something that would happen again if we were careful around him. That was when we took him to the vet though and had the work up done to find the thyroid tumor.

We had tried some new medications since then and he was acting so much better. Playing more, stomach back to normal, we thought we were in the clear. Then last Wednesday, he bit my 20 month old daughter in the face out of no where. He was sleeping on the couch and she was just standing there. Not touching him, not doing anything. And he just jumped up and bit her. She needed stitches in her face. It got infected. It was awful. Clearly he was no longer safe to be around her and he was also just not himself. After a lengthy talk with his vet, and knowing that the parathyroid tumor would slowly shut down his body, we decided it was time to let him go. 

I spent his last few days with him knowing it was the end. So much crying. He had some good moments and some bad. When we got to the vets that day, he wasn't scared. He didn't shake like normal. He just cuddled in my arms. He almost seemed mad at me. And honestly if you knew Boomer, that was fitting. He was a total cuddle pup but he was a spoiled boy. He needed all the attention and love. It made me feel like he didn't understand, which is why I'm struggling. I feel like I let him down, like I failed him, turned my back on him, like I chose one over the other. He was such a fighter, he would've wanted to fight till the very end but I didn't let that happen. I know he was in pain, more bad days than good. I know it would only get worse. I know I loved him more than anything. My whole life revolved around him. But Im having a hard time finding comfort that he's pain free because I feel like his mad at me. I miss him so much. I miss the puppy he was. I'm broken. And I don't know how to heal because I feel like he will never forgive me.
Jennifer A
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It's been 5 and a half mths for me since I had to put my shih tzu down. I know how you feel about feeling your dog is mad at you. So many have had dreams of there pet and I haven't had anything. My dog also wasn't scared when I took him to the vet that day. Just sat calmly and quiet. I always took that as a sign that my baby was tired of being unwell. But I still struggle with thinking he's mad at me and maybe that's why he won't visit me in a dream. We were so close and connected. I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted you to know that I know how you are feeling at this painful time. 
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I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Don't be so hard on yourself, you did what you thought was best..I'm sure your fur baby, knew how much you loved him. I've heard that alot of animals with tumors go through alot of pain,and become aggressive. Not that they want to be but it's a natural reaction due to tumors and pain they're going through. Guilt is part of the grieving process,its ok to have those feelings..let it out by crying,writing ,talking to others, it really helps. You came to the right place here . In this forum there are many people who are willing to help. It's  been a little over a month, since my baby Pixie passed away, and it's been the hardest month for me, it helps me to hang out  here. I wish you well, peace, comfort, try to focus in the good memories with your fur baby. Take good care of yourself..
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