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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #16 
Yes having reeses' s ashes do bring me a little comfort but i still miss him just as much as the day he left me..exactly one week today😢its undescribable how bad my heart hurts for my baby and i know u understand as well.cats are just the best and i couldnt have asked for better..he was so good i feel like i didnt even deserve him..but the time we had together i tried to make sure he had a good life the whole time and i always tried to spoil him as much as possible and he knew he was.
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Jan_H

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Reply with quote  #17 
Jennifer-I'm glad you found a little comfort. I know you deserved to have Reeses in your life. And he deserved you cuz even though cats can be independent they still need and deserve us to care for them and spoil them.

I miss my Jagger so much, especially in the evenings when he used to sit with me on the sofa and I would pet him and rub him. It was so relaxing and enjoyable for both of us.
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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Reply with quote  #18 
Its always hard in the morning and especially hard at night..i try not to walk outside on the deck at night because that was his favorite time to be out there wih me and hed always hop up in my lap and demand love which i happily gave him.tried to walk out last night and sit for a minute but had to walk right back in..i didnt feel right being out there without him
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #19 

I was so grief stricken, regretful, remorseful and sorrow-filled yesterday afternoon for putting down my cat "Marmalade" 4 weeks ago, that I headed towards the ER of a Psychiatric Hospital. Then I turned back and headed home. I am just so exhausted. My mind is cycling over and over and over.

The grief I am feeling is devouring me. How on Earth could I have put down my best friend. What if all he needed was a day or two to heal? What if he had bounced back like he had before? What if he was just having a negative reaction to the medications he had been given? What if I just needed a 5th opinion? (I had taken him to 4 local Vets over his last year), No Vet knew specifically why he was gagging and choking at random when he was eating. They all thought it was his teeth. One day a tooth fell out onto a plate as he was trying to eat and he started to growl in frustration (I had never heard this sound from him before), so now that I had the $$$, I had 4 of his teeth extracted. But he went down hill after that. He stopped eating and drinking steadily. He started to growl again, then started to make this very odd gasping sound, then he was shrieking if I opened a can of cat food in the next room! 16 days after his dental surgery. He had lost 2 lbs. over his last year.

At any moment, for 4.2 years, I knew he could stop eating at any time, due to the gagging and choking reflex. He would allow me to calm him down by gently holding his sides and stroking him while he ate. I rotated foods by type and brand, at times 3 different brands and consistencies. He would pick 1/4 of the food to eat and then walk away. I would switch to fresh deli meat, or chicken or broths, lactose free milk whatever it took. At any moment I knew he might go on a fast which could have caused irreversible damage. 

He had surgical complications from his first surgery (on his ear canal.) He had bled-out (at times seeping, at times a trickle) of his ear for months. It had started after a Tom Cat fight he instigated when his girlfriend cat next door "Star" was attacked by the neighborhood bully cat "Blackie." And Marmalade went after him. He got bit in the ear during the fight. It was a small bite mark which I cleaned. It looked okay but would trickle every now and then. And I thought it was just Marmalade scratching at the scab. So went to the Vets and they prescribed him to Bravecto. To kill fleas. He stopped scratching but it kept bleeding. Went back to the Vets and she said she thought it wasn't a bite, but he had a polyp or tumor. 

I had to raise the funds to get the operation. Blood was splashing from his ear when he would shake his head onto the TV screen, the wall and onto my glasses. I would gently clean his ear each day and he let me. He KNEW I was trying to help him. But during the ear canal surgery he either had nerve damage or a stroke. His left eye was left in a permanent squint. His left set of whiskers were dead, laying almost flat across his face and his balance was damaged. He walked as if he was drunk. Falling down again and again. Falling off the arm of our couch perch where he loved to sit straight onto his back and he knocked the wind out of himself once. He wheezed and wheezed. He was deaf, so the above made him even more handicapped. : (

More surgeries meant more anesthesia. His blood test revealed his Liver count was high, but they didn't know why. Putting him under anesthesia meant he could die on the table during any procedure. I had to approve him being put under 3 times in 90 days. He was a trooper about it.

His intestines had a problem they could see on an X-ray but couldn't explain what it was. I was besides myself with worry. I loved this cat more than anything in the World. I could not save him it seemed. : *** (

He did not want any more medication, including at home from me. He seemed like he was trying to mitigate his pain with odd poses when relaxing his final week. Like he was resigned to his fate of being ill and in pain. I could not allow him to have to endure one more hour of starvation, dehydration, fear, anxiety, pain & suffering. As he had most likely suffered for all the years prior to knowing me, when he could not eat in the wild. He couldn't eat hard cat food due to his mouth issues so could only rely on canned food, which he most likely did not find in New Mexico. Prior to my adopting him. 

He did not want any more treatment. He despised the Vets and his staff. He did not trust them and would attack them during examinations and tests. If I had had him re-hydrated, they would have had to have sedated him again every few days. I could not inject fluids into his back, he was already maimed and that would have made him even more uncomfortable. He would look at me as if to say "Dad, what is happening to me?"

I am so, so sad and devastated. Thank you for hearing me out. 




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Jan_H

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Reply with quote  #20 
Jennifer - I understand your pain and I know you understand mine. I hope in time we both can remember our boys with a little smile instead of tears.

Marmalade's Dad - I am so, so very sorry for all that you and Marmalade endured and what you are still going through. I know you did everything you could for Marmalade. I can only imagine the pain and stress of making all those decisions to help Marmalade and watching him/supporting him when he was unwell. If you are like me you may not have a lot of supportive people in your life and making all those decisions alone is so hard. I miss Jagger so much. He was with me and supportive when somebody close betrayed me, when my mother passed, when family was hurtful and when his sister passed.

I also struggled with feeding Jagger. I tried so many things and felt/feel guilty that I could not find something that he could eat comfortably. I feel that I failed him because some how, some way I should have been able to save him. I know I did what I could and more than many would have but still, maybe I could have done better. I know I shouldn't torture myself with those thoughts but I can't help it right now.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #21 
Dear Jan_H,

Thank you for your kind & compassionate words.

"I can only imagine the pain and stress of making all those decisions to help Marmalade and watching him/supporting him when he was unwell. If you are like me you may not have a lot of supportive people in your life and making all those decisions alone is so hard."

Yes. Exactly. We too were completely alone. There was no one I could trust or rely upon for good advice. I also did not trust any of the 5 Vets. All gave conflicting information. All misdiagnosed. They were useless.

"I miss Jagger so much. He was with me and supportive when somebody close betrayed me, when my mother passed, when family was hurtful and when his sister passed." 


I too was "betrayed by somebody close" (countless times.) I too have a "hurtful family" and had to completely disconnect from them entirely. Marmalade was my only family. The only one I could trust. He was loyal, steadfast and true. He could have run away from me hundreds of times, but stuck close. As if he was a trusted canine. The neighbors could hardly believe it. He was an unfixed Tom Cat (I was worried about possible surgical complications, he was so sensitive) and yet I could walk him  400 ft. down an alley (200 ft. each way) without a leash and tell him when it was time to go back to our warehouse and he would follow me.

He was deaf, as I have mentioned, so I used hand-signals with him to communicate. "Wait a minute. Stay here." "I'm leaving, I'll be back." < If I used these he would not follow me) "I love you, we are together." "Open your mouth, I've got to give you medicine" (although he hated that one, but he cooperated and would open his mouth mimicking my gesture) and "Time to eat?" (I knew he was hungry and ready to try to eat if he continued to stand by and stare at me and would go and open a can of food for him) He was whip-smart. I think part of the reason why he walked through Hell and back with me and never ran was he KNEW how much I loved, cherished and adored him. And respected him. 

You wrote:  "I feel that I failed him because some how, some way I should have been able to save him. I know I did what I could and more than many would have but still, maybe I could have done better. I know I shouldn't torture myself with those thoughts but I can't help it right now."

That is how I feel too. "I can't help it right now."

I've cried more for Marmalade than for the loss of any human being I have ever known. : *** (




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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Posts: 26
Reply with quote  #22 
This is reeses's mom.and yes i am still on the same page with the guilt of putting my sweet baby down..as much pain as he was in..and it was an enormous amount..i feel like i should have went further to get the surgeries i believe would have helped him..but after that final night i had with him having ti keep him in a cage so because his legs were broken and seeing the pain and agony in his face and hearing him cry out in pain..i looked right at him and promised him i wouldn let him go another night in pain..when i took him to the er vet hospital next day and with hopes for him to have his one amputation and another leg fixed with a plate and blood transfusion..and they done more xrays on his abdomen and gave him poor prognosis the vet told me the surgeon wouldnt want to do the surgery on him because it would put him through too much..i cried..and panicked and listened to her and worried for my baby..how could i take him home again in pain and watch him suffer without the surgey he needed.so i listened to her and did what i thought was best for HIM..which immediatly i regretted..i hate myself for it everyday..what if i took him somewhere else and he couldve gotten better? It was a moment of insanity that made me make that choice..and ill never forgive myself..i go into high anxiety and panic and fear..i killed my baby!! And its not fair..why did i have ti make this choice for him?as much as we loved each other and this is the way it had to end? Unfair..and its not right..what did i do ro deserve to do this to him?and what did this sweet innocent baby do to deserve this?im extremly mad.angry sad guilt stricken and dont think ill ever feel better.and i know ill never be ok with the decision i had to make.im so mad with the whole world right now and my heart hearts more and more
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Reply with quote  #23 
Hi Jennifer,

I know that you did the right thing. Your baby was suffering and in pain and you ended it. In a humane way. You showed him mercy.

Imagine Reese waking up from surgery and having one of his legs gone. How traumatic that would have been? What about all of the medications Reese would have also required during aftercare? The re-check visits to the Vet to be examined, handled, prodded, poked and tested etc.? He may have had a limp or chronic pain in his remaining rear leg (with the plate.) And there could have been surgical complications too. As there were with my cat Marmalade. Who had either a stroke or nerve damage while on the operating table. And then your sweeties abdomen also became an issue. Then there is the fact that just putting him under anesthesia was a risk.

If Reese was crying out in pain? And he had un-diagnosed cancer? which can come out of nowhere? He was suffering. You bravely and courageously kept your pact with Reese. To END his suffering.

Many of us here feel EXACTLY like you. You are not alone sweetheart. Please try and be gentle with yourself and continue to travel through time. We are all going to make it through this. It is what Reese would have wanted, you to be okay. My Marmalade was also an orange & white tabby. : )  



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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Posts: 26
Reply with quote  #24 
Thank you so much for your message..i needed that..and i do feel like i made the right choice at times but then the next i feel so guilty i feel like i will get sick as alot of us do i think from reading the stories..im just sooo sad i havent done anything since..even at work its such a struggle to try to get through my day so i can hurry up and come lay in the bed..i loved him so much and he loved me the same which hurts more because i was his mom and i know he looked to me to help him and god i wanted to so bad..but then yes i didnt want my baby to suffer anymore or to have complications after because i put him through it..i feel like he wouldve made through ok but then again what if he didnt and i made it worse or he made it through all that just to live only a little longer after having to recover from everything..i read your reaponses and relate so much but ita so hard for me ro deal anymore.i did email the vet back that "everything" happened at just to ask them why they felt he shouldnt go through with eveything and they never gave me a straight forward answer.. Thoughy about contacting them again but then i wonder if ill be ok if i keep pushing them and get an answer i dont wanna know? Its not gonna fix anything now..and at times i hate the vet so much i picture myself going back there to confront her and just knowing it wouldnt end well and i cant do that either..and it wont bring reeses back so now what?i just need ti know hes ok and he forgives me and i hate after all the good years we had with each other it had to end the way it did..and that is why i feel th way i do..and im so angy at everybody i cant stand it..but im hurting and am not ready to feel better yet..i wanna still grieve for him because he was so worth it..and i dont wanna pretend lifes great right now becaus its not..thank you for listening and also sharing your story as well.
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Posts: 50
Reply with quote  #25 

"and at times i hate the vet so much i picture myself going back there to confront her and just knowing it wouldnt end well and i cant do that either..and it wont bring reeses back so now what?"

I can relate to that thought and feeling too Jennifer...

Yesterday I was walking to the grocery store, which is on the same route as the Animal Hospital that failed him and put my beloved boy down. I came so, so close to taking a hard right turn and making a bee-line for that Vet. To call him out. To re-examine what had happened. To question him. And then I thought to myself: "NO. LET THE VET FEEL BAD. THAT THEY FAILED THEIR PATIENT. IN THE HOLLOW OF THE EVE. LET THEM QUESTION THEMSELVES." "DON'T give them the satisfaction of my being perceived as a 'problem client.' 'A complainer.' Perhaps they will show greater compassion the next time, to another client with a sick animal and do a better job. I need to keep my dignity, nobility and composure now. The way my Marmalade did during his final visit to them."
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Jan_H

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Posts: 13
Reply with quote  #26 
Today is hard. One week ago today was my last day with Jagger. I find myself remembering what I was doing exactly one week ago. Again I find myself counting the hours and now the minutes until that final, heart wrenching moment.

Years ago the vet had told me that due to Jagger's heart condition it would be too risky to sedate him. I mentioned that to the vet who ended it and she said "some vets feel that way". Clearly other vets do not. Maybe I should have found a new vet. Maybe if I had he would still be with me or maybe he would have left me sooner or suffered more. There is no way to ever know and I just need to accept that I did what I thought was best for him.

Today I asked myself some questions and I think it has helped me. Maybe it will help you. Feel free to add your own questions.

Regarding my sweet, furry friend:

 

Did I love him? Absolutely!

Did I care for him? Definitely!

Would I have ever intentionally hurt him? No! Never!

Did he trust me? Yes!

Was he judgmental or did he accept me as is, the good and the bad, when I was silly, when I was stupid, when I was sad...? He loved me unconditionally, no matter what!

Did he offer apologies or expect an apology? No, I don't think so. He was accepting and took life in stride. He didn't dwell on the past or worry about the future. He didn't punish me after trips to the vet, even though he hated to go.

Did we have many good times together? Yes!

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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Posts: 50
Reply with quote  #27 

"I mentioned that to the vet who ended it and she said "some vets feel that way". Clearly other vets do not."

This is really KEY in my opinion Jan. It appears to me that Vets are all over the map when it comes to their "opinions." As well as their observations & treatments. I keep reading various differences of opinion and contradictions with massive gaps on-line. I was thinking last night to myself on my evening walk, to try and wrap my head around what happened:

"It seems like the Veterinary Practice is nothing but a RACKET. The truth is, we automatically double, triple and at times even quadruple our pets life spans (expectancy), just by providing them with regular food, water, shelter and safety. And we provide them with medication ( some over the counter.) The truth is Vets KNOW THIS. They feed of off our worry and fear of grief. 99% of the time Vets appear to not know what in the Hell to do and how to treat and save our beloved animals."

As many have read here, I took my boy to 5 Vets. 4 in his last year. 2 of them were supposed "Animal Hospitals" and they failed him. Misdiagnosed him. Were all over the map. I asked every one I could re: who their Vet was, and most could not recommend me to a good one. Yelp and Google reviews are filled with horror stories about Vets. Even though they may have good reviews too. It's a complete contradiction. I will never, not ever trust another Vet again. Not ever. 

I like your survey. Very poignant. I did find it helpful. Thank you for sharing it with us.
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Jenniferhiggs1221

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Posts: 26
Reply with quote  #28 
I hope you are doing even just a little bit better tonight..i know its hard though..and im with you..i hate vets right now..and i will never have a good feeling about them again..i do not trust them..do not..and all those feelings brought me to beinh angry again tonight..i thought i was doing somewhat ok until i went to the grocery store tonight and got so sad passing the pet section i had to run to the bathroom to bawl my eyes out..i remenber i bought reeses a couple of cans of his food everyday and he would always watch me take them out and put them up in his little food spot..i used to have a big tower of them because he loved to see it and know he had plenty of food.but i was checking in with you to see how u r right now..hope u r doing ok
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Memories_of_Marmalade

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Posts: 50
Reply with quote  #29 
Hi Jenn,

Once again, you make a spot-on observation. I TOO got very, very sad walking by the darn pet section at the grocery store and at the 99 Cents store last night! What the Heck?!!

I did the same. Would buy Marmalade extra cans of cat food and stack them in towers! Lol. He loved to see the cans as well. I bought him extra canned cat food, as I never knew when he would stop eating, at any time, for the 4.2 years that I tried to take care of him. I would have to rotate brands, types, consistencies and then fall back on fresh meats, and broths and gravy's if need be, and Lactose Free milk if all else failed, to try and keep him nourished and hydrated. Eventually I would open 3 cans and offer him a selection. And sadly he got down to only eating 1/4 of a plate. Picking one type. But I was grateful.

I am going to donate his towers of food to the Honky Cat Hotel: https://www.yelp.com/biz/honky-cat-hotel-and-cat-cafe-gardena


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Jan_H

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Reply with quote  #30 
I am so sorry. I never intended to cause hatred or anger. Certainly that is not what Jagger inspired. He was always sweet, gentle and loving. Even with all that he went through, the painful arthritis, the hearing loss and the painful cancer, he remained sweet, gentle and loving.

It is nice of you to donate Marmalade's food to a worthy organization.

Jan
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