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arosettamason48

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Reply with quote  #1 
I am writing this through tears and the worst heartache I have ever felt in my life. My guinea pig Greenbean was my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. He was the light of my life and I have had pets in the past but the bond I shared with him was something that I didn't even know could exist between a human and a pet, let alone with a guinea pig. I had gone through a horrible breakup back in August and took a break from school and work because I was a wreck. At that point I had spent a lot of time with Greenbean before the breakup, but after being completely inconsolable and all alone in the house, I went downstairs to scoop him up and take him to my bed with me, and from that moment onward he was my best friend. He fell asleep with me and woke up with me every single day and night. He didnt leave my bed once. He saved my life and I needed him as much as he needed me. When I finally went back to work after spending 5 weeks with him 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all I did while I was at work was miss him. I could have the worst day ever and the moment I walked through the front door, I would go to his cage and scoop him out and we would spend every waking moment together when I was in the house. He still slept in my bed with me every night and even though I knew that wasn't proper owner pet etiquette, I didn't care because he made me so happy and I made him so happy.
His favorite place was behind my head on a pillow. He would fall asleep there and chew my hair at his own free will. Every time he heard just a crinkle of plastic he would hop up and come running. If I had food in my bed with me, he would run up to the edge of the plate or the bowl and dig his gave into it. If I brought him lettuce he would grab it and drag it all the way to the back of the bed with only his teeth and he would eat it in 3 minutes flat. I would keep a fleece blanket next to my face when I went to sleep because when I turned everything off in my room, he would curl up next to me and close his eyes because he knew it was time for us to go to sleep. In the morning, he would wake up when I would wake up. He would squeal so often. If I ever left my room or had him downstairs, the moment he saw me he would hop down from where he was and run to the edge of the bed or couch so excitedly with his head in the air, looking as if he was so happy to see me and wanted to jump into my arms. He knew his name and every time I would call it he would stop in his tracks and run towards me. Even though he was so small, he somehow would find a way to crawl up my back or onto my legs. He was my best friend. He was the only thing that truly made me happy in life.
He was so happy and energetic and healthy and loved his life so much until a day and a half ago. He passed away in such a horrific and tragic way that I can't even wrap my head around knowing how preventable it was and how much of it was my fault.
It was about 10 on Sunday night. I had just made a huge meal and as I did so, Greenbean was in my bed as he usually was. I had gone out to the grocery store much later than I had anticipated because I was being lazy and didn't want to get up so I ended up making dinner much much later than I meant to. If only I had known when I woke up that day the role that time would play in his tragic death. After dinner I washed a bunch of dishes but still had a few that I usually would leave for the morning but for some reason I decided to go back down to wash. Before that, I went upstairs, and there Greenbean was, sitting on my bed, happy as ever to see me. I had brought up some of the food I made and of course he wanted some, but instead I gave him a bunch of hay because I had just bought a new bag for him while I was getting groceries. Right after I ate, I made another decision which I normally wouldn't do so late at night, which was to gather up all the blankets and sheets on the bed so that he and I would have fresh warm ones to sleep on. As I gathered everything he kept trying to run under the sheets and I kept having to pick him up and plop him elsewhere. I finally got everything together and left him some more hay. I usually leave the pile for him at the end of my bed where there is a soft bench right below, but in a split second decision that I so vividly remember consciously making, I put his pile on his fleece blanket where he was, right next to my pillow. If I only I had known what this decision might cost me. As I walked out with my bundle of laundry, I looked at him and smiled and waved and said, "bye! I'll be back soon!" as I normally would say. It would be the last time our eyes would ever meet.
I went downstairs, threw the laundry on the floor by the basement stairs, and started doing the rest of the dishes. After I got done, I did another thing which I would never do so late at night.. I sprayed down and wiped down all of the counter tops and the stove and swept up the kitchen floor. I haven't swept the floor in months because someone else usually does it. Why did I have to this night? Afterwards I wanted to give Greenbean a late snack before we went to bed so I went and did something else I have never done. I got out a glass Tupperware dish and all of his vegetables and I cut them up nicely and placed them neatly in the dish. I always just throw uncut vegetables onto a paper towel for him because he eats them so fast anyway. Why did I have to go completely against my normal routine this night?
After doing that, I finally went downstairs to throw all of my laundry into the washer. I went back upstairs, grabbed his salad and my drink and went up to my bedroom, excited to lay down with him and be off of my feet. When I went into my room, I didn't see him on my bed. I didn't panic because he has fallen off of it before and my bed is very low to the ground and always has sheets and pillows on the floor surrounding the bed. I grabbed my phone flashlight and walked over to my bed and thought I heard him make a single purr. I looked behind my bed where my pillow is because that's where I have found him before but I didn't see him. I spent the next at least 5 minutes frantically looking for him because I always find him right away and I started to freak out. I was rummaging and pushing things around under my bed and pulling things out wondering where he could be. I decided to go back to the first place I looked and it turns out I had completely overlooked him somehow in the first few seconds I realized he wasn't on my bed. That's when I found him.. laying on his side on the floor, on the only spot that for some reason didn't have any cushioning on it. He was stuck in between the wall, a pillow, and where his head was, a glass that had fallen on its side. I picked him up so quickly, so ready to tell him how sorry I was, when I realized his body was completely limp. The top of his head was wet as well as underneath of him but his body wasn't cold. I started screaming and ran downstairs to my mom. I looked into his eyes which were still watery. I have read before that a deceased animal has dry eyes. I thought I heard his heartbeat but I thought maybe it was mine. He wasn't breathing..I kept expecting him to wake up. But he didn't. He never did. He was gone. Forever. My best friend was gone. All because of my reckless and negligent actions that I made that 100% could have been prevented that never should have happened.
I would give anything in this entire world to just kiss his face one more time or hold him in my arms or pet him to sleep. I do not know how to cope or move on knowing that I killed my son and my best friend and that I will never get to hear him squeal again or wake up next to him or see his beautiful giant eyes watching me. All I have done for the last day and a half is sob and wail and cry and scream. I haven't been to work in 2 days because I absolutely cannot function and it is so bad that I put in for a leave of absence today over email instead of the phone because I can't even speak without crying. I am almost 30 years old and I made my mom stay home from work yesterday so I didn't have to be alone and I have slept in her bed the last 2 nights, which I have never done in my entire life, not even as a kid. I know how morbid this is but on the first night, I asked her if he could sleep in bed with us because I knew it would be the last time for the rest of my life that I would get to sleep next to my best friend. I know I will never be the same person ever again. He wasn't even a year old. He was just a baby and was supposed to spend his life with me and because of my careless negligence, I ended his precious, beautiful life. He was so sweet and endearing and innocent and loving and all I can do is sob over him. I was his mother and the person who promised to protect him and watch over him and I betrayed him. He trusted me with everything and I left him to die all alone, terrified and cold.
I have so many unanswered questions that are killing me to my core. How did he fall? .. was he trying to climb onto my pillow that he always cuddles up on behind my head and lost his balance? Did my chinchilla scare him into the position I found him in and send him into shock? Did he wonder why I wasn't there to save him? Did he cry out for me just for me to leave him to die all alone all by himself? Was he still alive when I first realized he was missing? Could I have saved him had I not overlooked him in the very exact spot where I ended up finding him 5 long minutes later? Could those precious 5 minutes have saved him? Could I have saved him had I known proper CPR? Did he suffocate in the glass that was at his head? Why was he wet on the top of his head and chin? Was he trapped in the glass trying to wriggle himself out only for his arms and feet to be too small to get him to safety? Did he really purr when I walked over to my bed or did I make it up? If I put his hay on the other end of the bed would he have never fallen? Why did I not have any cushioning where he fell? There were always mounds of blankets behind my bed. Does he have the same thought process as a human to where he knew he was dying and that I wasn't there for him and that I completely betrayed him and left him when all he ever did from the moment my boyfriend and I brought him home was love me and be there for me?
Every single move I made that night was unlike any other night and I cannot stop asking myself why and telling myself that I should have been there. That had I just done everything I always do and had just gone up to bed, he would still be here, laying under the Christmas tree with me, trying to eat the pine tree needles. Had I just done one thing different, he would be laying beside me right now.
I was supposed to be his protector. He was the most special guinea pig I had ever known and seen and I snuffed his life out in just a matter of moments. I wasted such a special life for absolutely no reason.
I have told only a few people close to me and they keep telling me it isn't my fault and that it was a freak accident that could have happened to anyone, but it doesn't help. I have joined these pet forums to share my story and to find similar stories but many of the stories are about older pets who got to live so many years with their baby and they got sick or had to be put down and the guilt doesn't seem to be as significant and in my case, this guilt is killing me and tearing me apart. I have never felt this type of pain in my life and I didnt even know this pain existed. He was the only light of my life and the reason I woke up in the morning. I can't stop picturing how I found him and how healthy and full of life he was just 30 minutes earlier. I can't stop picturing the last time I saw him watch me walk away with his beautiful black eyes and fluffy brown coat.
I will never be able to get over this.
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Barri

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Reply with quote  #2 
I am so sorry to hear your tragic story, and feel your pain. You are feeling so guilty and, honestly, there is no way for any of us to prevent tragic accidents.  It was an accident and not your fault, try to not be so hard on yourself.  Your best friend had a year of a wonderful life.  I had two guinea pigs, and they did not live past 4 years, they both died of cancer, and it was not quick.  At least greenbean did not suffer long.  I just lost two dogs within 5 days of each other and spent numerous hours wondering what I could have done differently, but to no avail.  At some point you need to be kind to yourself and know you gave him a wonderful life.  Most G-pigs are always in a cage.   Also, know that there will be a day where you wake up and feel a little better, it will creep up on you, and you might even feel guilty for feeling better.  I find the night and mornings are the worst, but once your day goes on, you will feel better.  Give it time, you will heal and get over this, death is a part of life, and makes those we loved more precious.  You sound like a wonderful pet owner, you will love again.
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arosettamason48

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Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you so much for your message. It means so much. I am so deeply sorry for your own losses and I can't imagine the sheer pain of losing babies so close to one another. You sound like a wonderful pet owner and they were lucky to spend their best years with you. I've just never felt a loss like this.. never in another pet or even a human. We found him at Petsmart and what hurts the most is that, like you said, I gave him such a wonderful life and I gave him all the love in the world and I know how happy he was and how much he loved me, and to realize I am at fault for what happened to my precious best friend is too much to bear.

I keep picturing him running up to me into my arms. He trusted me so much. He was such a skiddish guinea pig and I always told him I would never let anything hurt him or ever happen to him but I did. I can't even eat because it reminds me of him and the way he would help himself to absolutely anything that I had in bed with me.

I don't feel normal for my grief because not many people understand, but coming here to see all of the stories of those sharing my pain has helped me to not feel so alone. Thank you again
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Barri

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Reply with quote  #4 
Your grief is normal and can be overwhelming.  They become such a joyful part of our lives and they help remind us the joy of life.  You were his caretaker and he loved you, but this ACCIDENT was not your fault, it was an ACCIDENT.  We ultimately cannot protect our pets from death, and their lives are so much shorter than ours.  I know now when I get another pet, it will die under my watch, I have begun to accept that, and it will not stop me from caring for another creature.  When you are ready, you will get another friend, and you will love again. But I want to emphasize you did nothing wrong.  Your pain is real and it hurts more than you would have imagined.  But over time, all your memories will be fond ones, and the difficult ones will fade.  Greenbean would want it that way. Take care and know you are not alone in the grief you feel, it is what makes your human.
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Shanamylove

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Reply with quote  #5 
Arosettamason48
I just read you story regarding your precious Greenbean. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds absolutely heart wrenching. I definitely understand the guilt you are feeling. I lost my baby girl Shana November 29, 2018. She was an amazing, loyal beautiful 10 yr old Doberman. She was quite healthy, no visible medical issues at all. We got up that morning, I let her out she ran in the yard, ate her food. My son and I went out for 40 minutes to run an errand and when I arrived home she was on the floor collapsed and dead. I had no idea what happened to her. I started crying and balling my eyes out. I called the vet and brought her in. He said that sometimes they have a weak pulse but could appear to be dead. Deep inside I knew she was gone, but I was grasping to any sign of hope. Upon examining her, he delivered the fateful news that I already knew. I feel so much guilt over going to run that stupid errand. I remember my son asking me if we had to go out so early in the morning and I said yes. Even if I could not have prevented her death, I would have wanted to be with her while she was leaving this earth to tell her repeatedly how much I love her. I would have wanted to hold her. I live with the guilt that she died at home alone with my small dog beside her. I keep wondering what if I had taking her to the vet more often could they have caught whatever medical issue claimed her life. Maybe she could have lasted a few more yeArs. So many things run through my head. It's awful. The vet told me she died quickly and painlessly. He said she had a heart attack because dobes are prone to heart problems, but I'll never know.

I guess in the end I will never know what happened to my precious girl. The same way you will never know for certain what happened to green bean. We just have to take it one day at a time. There are times where my grief is so unbearable that I feel I will never get over this. Then I have moments where I just run through the day with minimal crying. I have found that keeping myself physically busy and my mind distracted helps. I have never experienced this kind of loss. I loved her like I cannot even begin to describe. I loved her more than my children. She was my everything, my companion, my friend, my shadow, my protector. My everything. My true love. My roommate. For the first time in almost 10 years and I now sleep alone. I miss her terribly. My only consolation is that I know one day I will be reunited with her. And to be honest I cannot wait for that day. There is no one in this earth that I would want to be with then with her. I know the deep sorrow you are feeling. In fact all of us here know your pain because we have sadly lost our beloved pets. Know that you are not alone, we accompany you in deep sadness. Take things one moment at a time . Do things that will help you and if you need to break down and cry, then so be it. There is nothing wrong with mourning the loss of your beloved Greenbean. If people cannot understand that and they are insensitive. Please reach out as much as you need to

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arosettamason48

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Reply with quote  #6 
Shana,

I can't even begin to explain how much your words just meant to me. It's 1am and I am sobbing on my couch thinking about his last moments and thinking about how just one altered moment in our existence would have saved him. He was just a baby.. young.. healthy.. innocent..

During the first couple of weeks coming here helped me so much. It didn't make me feel any less devastated and it didn't take away any of the burning anguish, but it did help me to not feel alone. After the second week I kind of began to feel out of place. Nearly everyone here has lost cats and dogs and they have a much longer lifespan. I only had my baby for 8 months but he saved my life.
l also stopped coming here because my case was different.. I am severely traumatized with the way I found him and how I know that his accidental death is 100% my fault. I have been told over and over and over and over that it wasn't my fault but it was. No one else left him on my bed to go wash dishes and do laundry and make him a salad. No one else stacked the only pillows on my bed 3 pillows high.. he always had to be at the highest spot of any surface that he was on. No one else stupidly left him with not a single blanket to wait under until I came back. It was me. Only me. I was the one who killed him.

I cannot get over it. I cannot get over the guilt and what if's. I cannot see myself in a place where he is constantly on my mind, freezing my body in this state of sadness and trauma. I scream and wail for him every day. I haven't been to work in nearly a month. I can't do anything. I can't go anywhere. I just want him.

I am so sorry that we are going through the exact same situation but please know you are not alone. I am so so so sorry for you loss and I know exactly how you feel. I know the horrors of thinking what if you had done this or that. If we changed just one moment maybe they would still be here.

Have you thought at all about finding the cause of death for Shana? I wanted to take Greenbean in to find out but I knew it would do more harm than good because I know he died a brutal death and the moment that would be confirmed, I would never recover from that.
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MissingMyFurBaby

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Reply with quote  #7 
Hello. I just lost my furbaby yesterday evening. We live in a fairly high apartment and we were on the 36th floor. I remember seeing my cat sitting by the window and next thing I knew there was this sound. I got up so fast from my bed and went to the balcony. I tried calling up to him to come out coz I was so scared to think of the worst. Just this morning they found him dead, he fell from the 36th floor and I just can’t stop crying and blaming myself in what if I called out to him so he would not have to jump or what if I just closed the window a bit sooner.

I’ve lived alone for 3 years to study college and my two cats are the most precious thing I have whenever I feel sad or joy on those years they always stay by my side in whatever situations...and whenever I look at his favorite chair and feel the side of my bed empty I can’t help but cry and blame myself..It hurts so bad I kept thinking of that time when I was watching him by the window..I don’t know how to get over the guilt...and I just missed him so much..I feel so sad for my other furbaby they get along so well and I just and I don’t know how to get over the guilt and grief and kept thinking about my furbaby...I’m just sorry for everything..
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Adv2112

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Reply with quote  #8 
Big, gentle hugs to you , I am so sorry and I can imagine the guilt. As it is natural to play out all of the what ifs. Your baby was just being a kitty and knew you loved them and doesn't blame you. I know on day 2 and 3 I was a wreck. Then i got through 2 days at work but really bawled a lot last night again. It will still come in waves and being home today i am sure I'll cry more today. It's so hard so please try to be gentle with yourself.
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MissingMyFurBaby

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Reply with quote  #9 
Thank you. I was trying at college a while ago not to break down and cry whenever I remember my furbaby but the moment I got home and saw that he isn’t waiting for my return anymore on the sofa I bought for him I just broke down. Thank you again for listening I much needed the support. I will try to not stressed myself out but atm it’s just really hard. Reaching put to you guys in this forum really helps me calm down even just for a bit.
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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #10 
Sorry for the loss of your Green bean
It's very hard to lose someone so close to you. Someone we spend our time with day and night. We can't control the out one if events and that's what we feel so guilty for. The grief circle let has go run its course, and sometimes we even get stuck in it! Don't be hard on yourself, accidents do happen. We have no control over these things. My niece had two Hamsters. Winter and Butterscotch. Butterscotch is not with anymore, even I was do very sad when she passed. We were taking her to the Vet that morning, but she didn'take it. She passed in my Mother's hands. This was heartbreaking. Even the littlest of God's creatures hurt us so deep I'm the heart. I've pretty much adopted Winter, she's a dwarf Hampster. I'm the that gives attention and cleans her cage and feeds her. Even though I know my Brownie would be so very Jealous right now! I miss my Boy so much. Yes it's hard to move on, but don't try to make it your fault. It's what we try to do when we lose our loved ones. It's weird, I'm going through my very first loss of my Dog Brownie. He was my might and life. And sometimes, I feel like I don't know how I'll pull through, but then I pray or read a little of the Lord's word and it really does helps me to push on, too another day! Be kind go yourself. In time you feel better, for now just go through it. There's no way around it! Now is better than later. I know how you feel, ND my heart And prayers are with you And Green bean!
Sincerely Jessica and Brownie

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My boy, Brownie
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Shanamylove

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Reply with quote  #11 
Arosettamason48
I am sure you have been told this in the past and I am going to also tell you, it's not your fault.. There was no possible way for you to have known that you needed to stack more pillows or that you should have covered every square inch of the floor just in case or whatever else. Just like I know it was not my fault that Shana suddenly collapsed and died. Do you think for a moment that if we had any fore knowledge that our pets were going to die if we do or did not do this or that we would have left them alone? I think not. What happened to our beloved pets is because it is the natural order of things. This is where I have no problem blaming God. There is nothing we could have done, nothing. We actually did what we were supposed to do which was to love our pets and give them the best home possible and to take care of them. That we can take 100% of the blame for.

Please don't feel out of place here. Yes Greenbean was not a dog or a cat but he was still your beloved pet and you loved him just the way all of us here loved our animals. And he loved you back and he knew that you loved him. I like coming here to Rainbow Bridge because we can support each other. Only we really understand the pain associated with this devastating loss. I have found great comfort here. No one here thinks any less of you for loving your guinea pig. Actually a guinea pig is not a pet for everyone so this shows how special you are to have had one and care for him the way you did. When I read your story, my heart was touched at how much you loved him. The grieving process takes time, it is different for everyone. One day we both will be able to move on. Not just for our sakes but for theirs as well. All of us here want the one thing we cannot have which is to have our pets back. Sadly this is not possible. All we can do is take comfort in our memories and the gift of time we had with them. And yes I couldn't agree with you more, eight months wS such a brief moment.

When Shana passed I wanted to do the necropsy to find out why she died so suddenly. The vet told me that most likely she died of a heart attack. He also said that the necropsy doesn't always reveal the cause of death. I decided that I was not going to pay $200 and run the risk of not knowing definitively. I called the breeder I got her from and she concurred with the vet that she most likely had a massive heart attack and was dead before she hit the floor. At that point I just accepted this as the cause. I have since done research and discovered that dobermans are prone to heart problems. Nothing will bring her back. Her ashes sit on my dresser so in a way she is always with me.

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Millie
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Shanamylove

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Reply with quote  #12 
Missingmyfurbaby,
I'm so sorry for your loss. There was no way you could have known what was to come. I have similar guilt with leaving Shana alone that dreadful morning to run a stupid errand that could have waited. My son's words resonate so clearly in the back of my head, asking mom do we have to go now? And me of course being the go go go type of person saying yes we have to go right now. Had I stayed just an extra 30 to 40 minutes I could've been here with my poor girl rendering aid or at least holding her as she was dying. It is not our fault and we must understand this. God chose to call them home for whatever reason. This of course is easier said than done. Your fur babies accident was not your fault, you had no way of knowing. I know the loneliness and emptiness you feel because I feel the same way. Although I still have my small dog, Shana was myyyyy girl. She was everything to me. I never saw her as an animal, a pet or a dog. To me she was as human as I am. She might have well as came from my womb. All we have left are our wonderful memories and the deep love we shared with them. I try to focus on that now and not the way she died.

Please try and surround yourself with loving nurturing understanding people. here I have found all of that and it brings me great comfort. I am not alone and neither are you. Don't hesitate to reach out.

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Millie
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Adv2112

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Reply with quote  #13 
Yes I agree. Reach out on here if no one understands around you.
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Shanamylove

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Reply with quote  #14 
Missingmyfurbaby,
That's why we are all here, for support and for listening. None of us here gets tired of hearing about our beloved pets and we understand. None of are a burden, so please reach out as often as needed. This kind of release is necessary.

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Millie
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