MissX36
I sit here sobbing near uncontrollably. It may have been to my benefit to seek something like this sooner - perhaps I was not yet ready. I was certainly not ready to lose Cuddles. I see for many of you your loss is recent, for me it has been close to a year. However, there are days like today where the pain is excrutiating and the guilt is soul crushing. I adopted Cuddles as a kitten when I was 15, he had two brothers I had to give up a few years later due to lack of space and a busy work school/schedule (another very tough decision and part of my guilt). He and I were always the closest out of the 3, we had a bond I have never experienced before. Cuddles was there through some of the toughest times of my life when I felt ultimately alone - the death of my father at 18 and months later my only grandfather, then a couple years later my only grandmother. Two breakups of relationships that lasted several years, drug addiction as a teen, and severe depression that I have battled for the greater portion of my life. He was the only one I could turn to that always offered me unconditional love surpassed by no other in my life. He was with me for 12 years, but I just wanted him to be here forever. I feel empty without him. I feel like I lost a child and a best friend. I hate myself for not spending more time with him, for being tired and frustrated because of my busy schedule and failing to offer him the standard of care I wanted to. My daughters first word was "kitty". I have tons of pictures of him and her when she was just a baby (shes two now). We finally got into a beautiful place where he had tons of space to roam and a fireplace to lay by and he only got to enjoy it for a few months before he got very ill. He continually began to eat less and in a flash it seemed he was very ill. I was terrified to take him to the vet, I tried everything I could at home (what I could get him to eat in the last couple months he at least ate like a kitty king). The day we went to take him in I knew what they were going to tell me, I spent the morning trying to say good bye, but also had to care for my toddler (my husband deals badly with these situations and was trying to just avoid it). We got there and his kidneys were severely inflamed. Palitive care would be the only option and only prolong his life a short time. I just felt he had suffered enough, it crushed me to see him how he was - frail, tired, sick. They offered for us to bring him home but I felt like I had drug it out too long already. We decided to say goodbye there rather then stress him out by bringing him home and back to the vet. But now, now I feel like my decision was too rash. I wish I had arranged to have him put down at home, that I had arranged to get paw prints (I tried the morning after to call but he was too stiff). It was just not how I wanted him to go, it was too fast and I feel like I didn't get to say a proper goodbye, that even though I love him with every ounce of my being I just didn't do enough, I didn't do good enough. I feel like I failed him even though there were days I'd spend the whole day snuggling him. No matter what he was always there for me, last Christmas I was very sick - he stuck right by me, laying on top of me while I slept. I feel like I wasn't there enough when he needed me even though I love him like I love my daughter. There's just so much guilt and I don't know how to get past it and I have no one close to me who understands. My husband makes me feel ridiculous every time I talk about it because he's very detached from animal companionship (his mother is whacko and brutally killed several of his pets when he was a kid). I just wiah I could've done better for him - that his life with me was just starting now. However, without his love I would have commited suicide as a teen, but I loved him so much and I knew he wouldn't understand, as alone as I was I knew I had a responsibility to him. I'm just so sorry Cuddles, I wish I had been better and could give you all I have now. Just know that my love for you will go eternally, past my existence in this life into any other form I may take, you are always my best friend, my little love, the truest love I have ever known.
Quote 0 0
MyBella
Dear Meg,
 
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious Cuddles, you did the greatest last loving thing you could ever do for your best friend, you didn't let him suffer. I have the up-most respect for people like yourself who have had to make that most gut wrenching decision, one I am sure wasn't easy at all, but you did it out of pure love for your precious boy.
You have held onto this guilt for almost a year now, Meg, you need to try your best to let go of the guilt, Cuddles wouldn't want to see you suffering the way you have been and especially for as long as you have. It isn't easy, but Cuddles would want you to remember the many fun and loving times you spent together, rather than the last moments. Sure we will absolutely never forget those last moments, how can we, it is forever a life changing, horrible time of our lives, but please, for Cuddles, try your best to remember the fun times, the loving times and the silly times you two shared.
Cuddles gave you so much, helped you so many ways and probably in fact, saved your life. He sounds like such a great friend, one that you will never forget or stop loving, and that is the best thing Meg, our love for them grows each and every day, so always talk to your Cuddles, let him know how much you love him still, how much you miss him and let his warmth fill your heart as he sends his love back to you.
I am sorry you don't have anyone close to you that understands your grieving, but do know that you have people on here that completely understand and we are here to help you the best we can, the people on here are some of the most wonderful people you will meet anywhere, so please, visit here when you need to, day or night, there is always someone here to listen to you.
Let the tears fall, grieving is a process, one that has no time limit, so there is no reason to rush or push yourself, it takes time Meg, baby steps is the best we can hope for, but oh man, how each step is such an accomplishment, and never worry if you slip backwards, that is all part of the process. Let us help you the best we can when you slip...ok.
Hold the many precious and treasured memories of your Cuddles close to your heart, always talk to him, he is still close and is always listening for your voice, so let him know how much he means to you still and how you even love him more than ever. Write notes to Cuddles and release them with balloons, I find this really helps with the healing process, I have done this for our little girl's birthdays and her one year tribute, it really brings a calmness to your heart. 
May the memories you and Cuddles created over the years help bring the continued peace and healing your heart and soul so desires and deserves. I am so sorry for your loss, sending positive healing thoughts your way.
 
Sincerely, Don & Vera

Image result for winnie the pooh quotes


Quote 0 0
Bailey15
I am so sorry for your loss! Please know that it is okay to still grieve for Cuddles. There is no time limit on grieving. We let our little dog go one year ago and I still think of him every day and miss him sooo much. I know that I always will. We adopted another little dog and I love him and am so happy to have him but I do still grieve Bailey. It was that type of bond. I want to tell you that you did the right thing to let him go. I had to do the same for Bailey but I never questioned it because I couldn't bear to see him suffer and you are right. It would have been so stressful for Cuddles to go home with you when he was so sick only to have to go back to the vet. Letting him go (instead of taking him home so that you could hold on to him) was the gift you gave him because you loved him that much. Reading through your story it is so obvious to me how much you loved Cuddles. If I can see it that easily, Cuddles certainly knew it. So please don't regret the times when you feel like you should have done more - we all do it. It's a part of the grieving process I think. You gave Cuddles the best thing he could have asked for - you gave him your heart.❤️ I believe that we will see our beautiful friends again and it will be so wonderful. In the meantime though you need to know that Cuddles would want you to be happy. I know you will never forget him just like I will never forget Bailey but I also believe that anytime we are happy Cuddles and Bailey are happy too!
Hugs and prayers, MJ
Quote 0 0
Timmymissu
I am so sorry for your loss of cuddles we are all feeling the same way and it hurts like crazy its been 10 weeks for my timmy somedays i dont cry and then others im crying uncrontrplably god bless and this forum really keeps me sane xxxx
Quote 0 0
Timmymissu
This poem is so beautiful
Quote 0 0
Timmymissu
This poem is beautiful but sad
Quote 0 0
Timmymissu
If it should be i grow frail and weak and pain should wake me from my sleep then you must do what must be done for this last battle can not be won you will be sad i understand dont let your greif then stay your hand for this day more than all the rest your love and freinship stand the test weve had so many happy years what is to come wull hold no fears youll not want me to suffer so when the time comes please let me go i know in time you too will see it is kindness you do to me although my tail its last has waved from pain and suffering iv been saved do not greive that it should be you who has to decide this thing to do we ve been so close we two theese years dont let your heart hold any tears
Quote 0 0
lizzymews
Dear MissX36,

I could understand , because , in many ways that you described how you felt , is similar to what I felt when my Cody had to be put to sleep. It was all too soon but we couldn't bear another day for him to suffer. He was also a kidney patient. Like you, I felt I failed him in many ways too. Like I didn't spent enough time with him while he was still around. Felt like I took him for granted until he's gone. This is one thing I feel so guilty and sad about. We didn't want him to go so soon too , had wished to Bring him home but we know we would be unable to help him but to bring him back to the vet anyways. What we did , though seemed rash, is probably the kindest thing we could do for cuddles and Cody , to ease their pain and suffering. So whatever your're feeling now is totally normal . It's not easy , I'm still grieving and I dunno when I'll heal because it's hard to accept cody's gone.

One thing we can be sure of , Cuddles and Cody have gone to a better place now , they are restored and free of pain.

Big hugs to you.
Quote 0 0
Mj
I'm so sorry for the lose of your kitty, Cuddles. Having recently lost both my kitties to heart failure, I feel your pain. They were my husband's and my best friends.

Sending you hugs.
Maryjane LaVita
Quote 0 0
MissX36
Thank you to everyone for your beautiful, beautiful words. I am incredibly greatful for this site - this past year has been a struggle, when I am at my lowest I often don't know what to do with myself. Before, Cuddles was always there. I am both saddened and thankful that I am not alone. Saddened that there are so many enduring this profound pain. Thankful that my words do not fall on deaf ears but are resounded by so many other souls, all of us filled with utterly beautiful unconditional love. It is comforting to know that others feel guilt - I try so hard to remember the good times but get so overtaken by the bad. I think that my grieving process will be long and that is ok. Now I feel I have some support in a hole that was starting to feel like it may only grow deeper and darker. I am sorry I did not respond to each of you individually - it is late here and I only just had this moment to look. Just know that I so deeply appreciate all of you taking the time to reach out to me and to offer me such kindness.
Quote 0 0
shantismom
Hi, I see that you have been grieving for over a year now for your Cuddles.  I am glad you found this forum, it has been a blessing to me these past two years since my Shanti died.
I will tell you that the second year is better than the first.  The first year they are gone you experience all the holidays, their birthday, all these things and it is the first time without them.
I still feel sad when I think of Shanti but I don't have the terrible heartbreak I had at first.  That gaping hole he left has been replaced with just a small empty space that I think always will be here.  Time does its work, you will feel the heartache lessen.
My prayers to you this day.
Marlene
Marlene Wagner
Quote 0 0