I am so, so sorry for the loss of your precious Cuddles, you did the greatest last loving thing you could ever do for your best friend, you didn't let him suffer. I have the up-most respect for people like yourself who have had to make that most gut wrenching decision, one I am sure wasn't easy at all, but you did it out of pure love for your precious boy.
You have held onto this guilt for almost a year now, Meg, you need to try your best to let go of the guilt, Cuddles wouldn't want to see you suffering the way you have been and especially for as long as you have. It isn't easy, but Cuddles would want you to remember the many fun and loving times you spent together, rather than the last moments. Sure we will absolutely never forget those last moments, how can we, it is forever a life changing, horrible time of our lives, but please, for Cuddles, try your best to remember the fun times, the loving times and the silly times you two shared.
Cuddles gave you so much, helped you so many ways and probably in fact, saved your life. He sounds like such a great friend, one that you will never forget or stop loving, and that is the best thing Meg, our love for them grows each and every day, so always talk to your Cuddles, let him know how much you love him still, how much you miss him and let his warmth fill your heart as he sends his love back to you.
I am sorry you don't have anyone close to you that understands your grieving, but do know that you have people on here that completely understand and we are here to help you the best we can, the people on here are some of the most wonderful people you will meet anywhere, so please, visit here when you need to, day or night, there is always someone here to listen to you.
Let the tears fall, grieving is a process, one that has no time limit, so there is no reason to rush or push yourself, it takes time Meg, baby steps is the best we can hope for, but oh man, how each step is such an accomplishment, and never worry if you slip backwards, that is all part of the process. Let us help you the best we can when you slip...ok.
Hold the many precious and treasured memories of your Cuddles close to your heart, always talk to him, he is still close and is always listening for your voice, so let him know how much he means to you still and how you even love him more than ever. Write notes to Cuddles and release them with balloons, I find this really helps with the healing process, I have done this for our little girl's birthdays and her one year tribute, it really brings a calmness to your heart.
May the memories you and Cuddles created over the years help bring the continued peace and healing your heart and soul so desires and deserves. I am so sorry for your loss, sending positive healing thoughts your way.
Sincerely, Don & Vera