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chicagocats
Betty,
Thank you for the lovely post. I'm glad you could see how expressive Carma was from her photo. She was a very interactive kitty - talking all the time. I miss hearing her voice - even at 3 a.m. which used to drive me crazy, but now I would give my kidney to have those days back. 

I'm so sorry for your loss too. I'm sorry any of us have to be here. I love your term "heart kitty" - its beautiful.

I know what you mean about drifting through the days and then having really bad days. I feel an enormous emptiness in my home. Its silent. I hate it. I was laid off from my job a few months ago. I told my vet I didn't have time to find a new job because I was busy being Carma's servant - opening the door for her to go in and out on the balcony, opening cans of food, making tents for her on the sofa to cuddle up in. It was really lovely having that time with her.

I just can't comprehend death. I don't understand it. I don't understand why we are here and why we are taken away. I'm having a hard time with all of it.

And yes - the routine is gone. Its hard to deal with that as you know too well after being with your kitty for 18 years. So much loss all at once. Loss of a soul mate, loss of routine, loss of friendship, empty house. 

I wish you peace and comfort as well. I'm glad we have a place we can come to where other people understand what we are going through. And thank you again for posting.

I still see my beautiful Carma when I close my eyes.

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CCCat
Dear Chicagocats,
My deepest, deepest sympathies for the loss of your Beautiful cat.

it's possible that you and I might actually meet face-to-face one day, that could actually happen if by chance you're attending, or will continue to attend a support group that meets on the first Wednesday of every month in Burr Ridge, Il.

I started going to the meetings last June; shortly after I had to put down my dear 19-year-old kitty, C.C., because of complications of pancreatitis and likely kidney failure; on May 18th, 2015. I would go to those meetings even more frequently than monthly if they were held more often. I moved a long ways away a couple of months ago; but I did attend the meeting before last anyway. There's so few available groups in the Chicago area, which is surprising to me considering the large population.

Sometimes over the last year I haven't attended the meetings because the pain is still just too great that the reminder of that horrible time by speaking of C.C. to the group is too much for me to bear.

I let her pancreatitis go for probably two months longer than I should, and hated what it did to my trusting relationship with her; because suddenly I was shoving pills down her throat, and stabbing her with needles to give her fluids, etc. She spent her last two months hiding under the bed daily. It seemed that I was her worst enemy instead of her best friend. That was the hardest to take, and so I finally decided she shouldn't have to suffer any longer. She was starting to have seizures as well, a grand mal the morning of her last day. I had her euthanized that evening. I know it was the right and kindest thing to do for her by having her euthanized at home, but it was the worst thing in the world for me. She did not go peacefully which really has tortured me ever since her death.

I wanted to express my sympathies and to assure you that you are in good and safe company on this forum; in that we are all in various stages of shock, mourning, and guilt. We all really know what you're going through.

I am hoping you have found the group to be of some comfort to you. May God bless and comfort you at this sad time.
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chicagocats
CCCat 
Thank you for the lovely post. I'm so sorry about the loss of your beautiful C.C. In her photo she looks so serene and intense all at the same time.

I am going to the pet loss group in the city that meets twice a month. There were only two of us last time. The counselor said that for the past few months there have only been one or two people coming to the group. I think I will go again because it did help me. I cried most of the time I was there, but I also got to laugh and share the good stories about Carma. I don't want to forget what a wonderful cat she was and how much she added to my life. I have to remember to not let my grief overshadow the joy she brought me and others who knew her because I feel that would be cheating her legacy. She was such a friendly, trusting and loving kitty. I'm always going to miss her. I don't think a day has passed that I haven't cried. Its going to continue to be this way for a while. 

My boyfriend has encouraged me to talk to her. At first I scoffed at this, but then one day I did it and I found it made me feel better - still connected to her - so now I talk to her every day even if it is only to tell her I love and miss her. I also found allowing my boyfriend and others to help me has been very instrumental in this process. I've had a tendency to isolate, but am learning that surrounding myself with those that care and understand instead of trying to do it alone has been very transforming for me. Coming here to this forum is a huge help too.

I'm sorry you are still in so much pain from losing C.C. The medications you were giving her were out of love and in order to try and make her better. It is really hard to come to terms with that though - especially if the treatments don't work as planned. Carma's medications did not work for her. I have no way of knowing if they made things worse which is what I feel guilt over. It sucks that suffering does seem to be unavoidable if you are a human or an animal. At some point, we all experience pain. I wish it weren't the case. It seems so wrong and its difficult for me to accept that nature and life work this way.

I hope you have support - friends or family - to help you with the process you are moving through. I don't know that we ever get to a place where we are completely "okay" because two years later, I still cry over the passing of Carma's brother, Gus - and I still miss him. They were the only kitties I've adopted on my own as an adult and they were with me so long  and through so much that its difficult to think of not sharing the rest of my life with them. I am glad I got to share their life with them. Life is so bitter and sweet at the same time.

Wishing you healing thoughts.
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