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puppylove04

Work was ok today; very busy & time went by fast.  I had cards, gifts & notes from those people im closest to in the office.  They all knew Anna was by baby; i have pics of her all over the place, and every year a new golden retriever calendar on the wall.  I kept to myself & laid low.  Only my closet friends knew of my loss.  Lunch was nice w/ son & GF.  We laughed & told stories about Anna.  And we cried some too.  Coming home this afternoon may have been the hardest time ive had today.  She always greeted me when i came in & had a big smile on her face.  then she'd go stand by her food bowl.  Tonight, we'll be at the candlelighting service at 10 pm.  1st time; any tips? 

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puppylove04
I've made it through 8 days w/o Anna; my world is a sadder place. My home is an empty shell w/o my girl here to greet me.  Grief counseler told me last night that I'll have to establish a new routine & a "new normal". She was my life & part of me is in that urn w/ her. I was knew the day would come when I would lose Anna, but I always thought I have 1 more day w/ her. I asked my son's girlfriend to make me a charm necklace that I can put some of Anna's fur in & keep it w/ me always. She's really excited about it & said she will make it perfect for me. She's gonna find a heart locket for me. Sweet! We walked last night for the 1st time since her death. It was late, we ran into one of Anna's friend, Zeke, a schnazer. They were both 6 1/2 yrs old. They always loved seeing each other when they were walking. Zeke acted like he missed her. Had to tell his dad that Anna died. Tough! Also, saw Lester the cat last night but he didn't pay us any attention. Also, working on Anna's family tree & memory book. Hubby is putting all my Anna pics on my digital pic frame so I can see all her life through these pics. Even got pics of her brothers & siss at the breeders plus her dad.  Special!

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puppylove04

It's been 10 days as of yesterday & went to my moms for dinner last night.  Nobody mentioned Anna.  It's just like she never existed.  I guess everybody thinks that after 10 days, i should be over Anna's death & get on w/ my life.  I still miss her so much.  I've cried twice today; talked to her a couple of time also.  When I woke up this morning at 7:30, I talked to her & felt she was in the bedroom with me.  I could smell her.  I never knew I could love anything or anyone as much as that dog.  She was such a joy & sweetheart!  Beautiful spirit.  This is such a loss!!

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puppylove04
Thanks for understanding.  She was the center of my universe.  Most of my time & schedule was automatic; now I don't know what to do with myself.  Not used to having choices & free time. 
I went to the hair salon on Friday.  First time since Anna died.  Tiffany knew how close I was to my dog & when she asked how I was, I just started crying & told her about my baby.  She has a dog also.  She got me some tissues & we just talked about her for awhile. 
At the grocery store today, I feel like I am just going thru the motions, like a robot.  I see items that I used to buy just for my girl & realize I don't need them anymore. 
Seems like everyday I get up with a different sad song running in my head.  Yesterday, it was "You are always on my mind" by Willie Nelson.  Today, was "I would give everything I own, give up my life, my heart, my home, just to have you back again".  I think that's by Bread, but I could be wrong.  Do other people do that?
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Mia870

I hear a song on the radio and instantly think of Mia all the time ! you are not alone there. My 5 year old went and picked out some dogfood at the supermarket yesterday and I nearly bawled there and then in the aisle. He looked stricken and put it back very quietly. It's been 6 weeks and my heart is still shattered and broken. The kids are ok, they are young and very resilient though. My friends don't ask anymore how I am, they just assume I am back to normal. I don't talk about Mia to them, they just don't understand. That's why I love this forum, everybody has lost a precious fur baby and understands completely..... my thoughts are with you xxx     

Mia Jessie aged: 11 years. Always our puppy girl xxxxxx
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puppylove04

Today,the song in my head is:  Chicago, "You're a hard habit to break".  I worked about 5 hours this morning & left hubby home by himself.  I took a bathroom break around noon & thought I should send him a text to check on my girl.  Then I realized my life is never gonna be like that again.  She is a hard habit to break! I came home around 1 pm & worked on her memory book for awhile & cried. 

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puppylove04

I think this afternoon, I realized that I'm never gonna see my beautiful Anna again.  These almost 2 weeks have seem like a nightmare happening to someone else.  But I think that it's real now.  I miss her so much.  I lost a big part of myself when she died.  I've cried on and off all afternoon.  I think this must be what depression feels like.  I go thru the motions every day but I don't really feel anything.  No joy.

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puppylove04

I think this afternoon, I realized that I'm never gonna see my beautiful Anna again.  These almost 2 weeks have seem like a nightmare happening to someone else.  But I think that it's real now.  I miss her so much.  I lost a big part of myself when she died.  I've cried on and off all afternoon.  I think this must be what depression feels like.  I go thru the motions every day but I don't really feel anything.  No joy.

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puppylove04

I think this afternoon, I realized that I'm never gonna see my beautiful Anna again.  These almost 2 weeks have seem like a nightmare happening to someone else.  But I think that it's real now.  I miss her so much.  I lost a big part of myself when she died.  I've cried on and off all afternoon.  I think this must be what depression feels like.  I go thru the motions every day but I don't really feel anything.  No joy.

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puppylove04
Still got my 3 Anna songs in my mind, 'u r always on my mind", 'ur a hard habit to break' & 'i would give anything i own'.  they all seem to fit my current state.  It's been 2 weeks & 2 days & i didn't cry for 2 days.  Until a friend at work who lost her dog 2 yrs ago, sent me a poem by interoffice mail today.  I read it & teared up. Shared it w/ by friend in the next cubicle.  We both welled up. 

We are suppose to go Saturday to look at a new pup a couple of hrs away.  It's a very good breeder that raises show championship goldens.  They have several of Anna's relatives in her bloodline.  She's 10 weeks old & so cute in her pics.  I put 1 of her pics as my screensaver at work, felt guilty about replacing Anna & put Anna's pic back after 10 mins. 

Tracked down Anna's breeder who breeds Wheaton terriers now, sent her an email telling her our story of Anna.  I had found her phone # when Anna started having seizures 5 yrs old & she really didn't really care.  Well, on her new website, she says they breed quality & mind, body, & spirit.  Oh yeah, and this part really got me, a lifetime of support with the purchase of a pup!  We never even got Anna registration papers.  In 6 1/2 yrs, she never contacted us or had another litter of goldens.  It just makes me think. 
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dde9227782

 I just put my 12 year old cocker spaniel down June 8th.  She was orginally diagnosed with Bronchitis (was weezing/gagging) the week before and put on antibiotics.  She went downhill from there, and we fought with her every night to eat dinner.  The vet gave her Predadone which made her very lethergic. Finally she refused to eat anything, and actually grinded her teeth together to prevent us from feeding her (so she wasnt taking her medicine either).  She spent her birthday (June 2) bring coerced to eat her favorite meal.  We noticed that one of her eyes was buldging, and she had a bad case of red eyes more often than not in the past few weeks (Dr. said it was allergies). 
          Turns out we brought her to the vet again on Sunday June 6th to see her usual vet.  The dog was panting, and the doctor instantly noticed the dogs eye and she shut off the light and saw a big mass in the back palette of the dog's mouth. Sunday and Monday night I barely sleep.  I heard her roaming around the apt. making choking and weezing noises.  then when I got up, she would run into another room.  She couldn't find a place for herself. 

            We brought her back Tuesday morning for an biopsy/endoscopy to find out that it didn't spread, but it would be a big ordeal and difficult because she refuses to eat. 
The doctor called and gave us the news, and expressed her concerns because the dog was weak and not eating, otherwise she wanted us to continue treament.  The doctor put her down while she was under anesthesia.
          Deep inside mom and I said our goodbyes, we knew on Sunday that we didn't want the dog to suffer with chemo/rediation and surgery (with reconstructing her mouth).  We especially felt that she was in pain, and lost weight and was just laying around the house.
          I hard a very heard time the first few days, it has gotten a little easier. I felt guilt, for not taking her home Tuesday night and giving her a chance or rushing her to the Animal Medical Center immediately when the antibiotics didn't help. Her labored breathing could've been from the tumor or the bronchitis and maybe a different doctor would've noticed her eye and made the connection quicker.  
I've read the poen "Rainbow Bridge" and it breaks my heart.  Tuesday morning she found 2 handballs and ran down the hallway to the apt with them.  Kissed me and rolled all around on the rug.  Then an hour later she was laying around again (like dead weight when you touched her).  How can a dog go from one extreme to another?  She had more bad days than good these past few weeks.
        The apt. is still eery and quiet without her.  I worry about my dad, he retired 10 years ago and she was with him everyday since.  He kept saying that he wants to die before the dog.  We ordered her ashes and they should be here next week.  I'm not sure thats going to help us grieve. However, I think if something happens to my dad the ashes should be buried with him.
         I think we did the right thing we had to end her suffering (or she would've gotten weaker and starved to death)   but it still hurts so much.  I have nightmares of saying goodbye as the vet technician carried her out of the room and listening to her roam the apt as a healthy happy dog then roaming her last few nights and making noises. I am thinking of joining an animal grievance group or seeing a therapist that specializes in grieving.

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puppylove04

It will help to talk to a grief counsellor about your feelings.  I have twice.  We drove 2 1/2 hrs yesterday & got a new baby.  She is another golden; back 3 generations, she & Anna share bloodlines.  She is so sweet & beautiful!  It's the 1st time we have laughed & smiled in almost 3 weeks.  It's what we needed to do to heal from the hurt & pain of losing the luv of our lives.  And my eyes still tear up & I miss Anna so much.  She would luv, luv playing with this new little girl.  I can close my eyes & see them. 

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