ez
17 days. 17 days of a new reality,a reality more surreal than real. The pain and depression is relentless, unyielding. I’ve been through this many times but for some reason,as yet still unidentified this is different. She was a beautiful little girl,a gift,loving and gentle. She was sick for the last four years of her life . We would make our 2 or 3 trips to the vet every week for her hydration and metazapine. I did it myself for a couple years and I came to a point where I could not stick another needle into her little body. Her quality of life was good right up to the end.i sure as hell dropped the ball on this one I can’t shake it. I used to take great pride in my work. It was a privilege to guide and help people thru some of the most difficult and trying times of their lives. That being said I felt morally and ethically bound to resign my position with the state of co I’m supposed to help other people I cannot even help myself. She was truly a gift, a beautiful innocent little existence that just wanted to love me and I her.I believe we accomplished that.
I desperately miss her. I would give everything I have to be able to hold her again
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Juni2018
I feel your pain. I am going through something similar. However maybe I can help you. You have been giving and giving. Now its time for us to help you in your time of need. Do not feel guilty or selfish because you are the one in need right now.

I know its hard not to. I would do anything to wrestle around with my Reno and watch him mess the couch up and seeing the pillows fly. 

Sometimes we all at one time or another have to step back and look up and have someone help us up to get us back on our feet.

You gave everything to your little girl. The shots may have been troublesome for her. But she knew you did it unselfishly and you loved her deeply. Most of all she realized that her Mom was always going to be there for her. 

She loves you and she knows you love her and that bond will never be broken. You will see her again.

I hope this helps. 
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Tankie12
Jack, when you go back to your calling of helping others, and I hope you do, sympathy will become *Empathy*
You hit the nail on the head it’s a unwanted day by day surreal existence preceded by a nightmare of needles and the appetite stimulant Metazpine, and so much more. Anything to give them one more day. Any parent would do the same. How old was Batali?
I’d like to know more about this amazing girl who has your soul with her and is deep within yours,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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ez
Juni2018 wrote:
I feel your pain. I am going through something similar. However maybe I can help you. You have been giving and giving. Now its time for us to help you in your time of need. Do not feel guilty or selfish because you are the one in need right now.

I know its hard not to. I would do anything to wrestle around with my Reno and watch him mess the couch up and seeing the pillows fly. 

Sometimes we all at one time or another have to step back and look up and have someone help us up to get us back on our feet.

You gave everything to your little girl. The shots may have been troublesome for her. But she knew you did it unselfishly and you loved her deeply. Most of all she realized that her Mom was always going to be there for her. 

She loves you and she knows you love her and that bond will never be broken. You will see her again.

I hope this helps. 
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ez
Thank you very much for your kind words. The fact that you took time out of your busy day to share your thoughts means a lot.this may surprise you but I’m actually a guy but I loved that little girl more than anything. Please if you’re up to it I would be honored if you would tell me all about Reno. Maybe in some small way I may be able to help you reframe some of what you’re feeling into something a little less painful. Doubtful but anything is worth a try when you’re dying inside
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Juni2018
Get a cup of coffee this could be long.

It was back in 2008 just before Thanksgiving. My wife wanted to get me an early Christmas present. We were looking for a female. We looked at the ads and found someone who had a litter.

They said they had a female. We were on our way. When we got there. All of the sudden they said, "Well we promised it do our neighbour across the street"

I was kind of the perturbed about that. But there is was this puppy in the basket that did not jump out and run all over the yard. Mind you there was a litter of 14. I know, Wow.

It was a male. I would stop petting him and he would do his puppy bark and he would stop when I would start petting him again.

My wife looked at me and said it is up to you if you want a male. It took me all of 1 second. I pointed down and said, "This one" She replied, "You sure?"

I just picked him up and gave the people the cash and headed for the truck. They said, "What about the papers?" I told them, "I don't want them or need them"

We were off and on our way home. He got sick on the ride on my wifes shoulders. lol

She asked, "What do you want to name him?" I said, "Reno" She glared at me. That is the name of the owner that we just got him from. I didnt care. That was a cool name. 

She stayed home with him and I went to the pet store to buy food, bed and other stuff. 

Well we all know how it is when puppies are first separated. The whine most of the night. My wife gave him a teddy bear aka as his woobie. He slept through with no issues.

Well it was time to get him fixed. Well after the surgery he started peeing in his sleep. The vet gave us some medicine to basically keep him from peeing. Well he got worse. I decided to find another vet. We found one around the corner from us. She had just opened her store. 

Come to find out. He had a serious infection from dirty operating utensils. She told us if we waited another day he would have died. She put him on broad antibiotics and would call every evening for a week to see how he was doing. We took him back in after that week and he was fully recovered and he was fine. 

I reported the original vet. This vet (whom I think is the greatest ever ) took over his care until the end. He had allergies and she went to a vet conference down in Los Angeles just for Reno' sake. Well he was on those meds for the rest of his life. It was about 4 years that he was on them. It stopped him itching. He was acting like a puppy again. At he was 6 when he started. 

He had a couple of surgeries during his life to remove cysts. But he was always ok afterwards. Any time we would mention "Lets get your chink chinks on" ( his dog collar with tags ) and go see Doc Mac. He was at the front door and could not wait to see her. 

He was strictly and indoor dog. Every time we had to take him out go to the bathroom, we stayed out with him. My wife and I's philosophy. If it is too hot or cold outside for us humans then it is worse for them. We would sit out there with him. However the last 3 years it was hard to walk him at night here in California due to the horrible air from the fires. So we played alot inside. 

Now picture this. He was about a year old. We have this center thing in the house that is a pantry that goes from ceiling to floor. Well my wife was doing laundry one day and he grabbed her bra. She asked him to give it back. She started to chase him in the house and they were playing ring around the rosie. We had a lot of ring around the rosies in this house.

He also had his own couch. It was stocked with pillows. Well one day he jumps on his couch and started acting silly. Pillows went flying and my wife says,  "Reno you messing up that couch?" Well that was another new game. He also did it to our bad. lol

One time we were going to bed. My wife was finished up brushing her teeth. Reno wanted to play He liked to come along side me and flop his butt next to me and wanting to play.

My intent was to say, "I dont want your stinker in my face" Well it came out "Snickers" instead of "Stinkers" Hence that stuck. All I had to say, "Reno you wanna play Snickers?" and it was on. LOL

Ok one last thing then I will close. I had shoulder surgery back in 2011. They had me take my arm out of the sling a day after surgery. Man did it hurt. I could not sleep.

Reno came up and slept next to me. I did not understand. Of course he stuck his butt end towards my face. But it was not snickers. I put my arm in the crook of his hip. I used a blanket to cover his butt up. I did not want to get gassed out. lol

He would slither up and down until he felt my arm resting in the crook of his hip. He would not move during the night. Not once. He did that foe a month then I told him that I am ok now.

It was his idea to do that. I would have never thought of that. That is why it is killing me inside that he is gone. I miss him soo much. One day when I cross over I am hitting that bridge and getting him.

Thank you for asking about him. It helps. I would do anything to hold him again.



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ez
Juni2018 wrote:
Get a cup of coffee this could be long.

It was back in 2008 just before Thanksgiving. My wife wanted to get me an early Christmas present. We were looking for a female. We looked at the ads and found someone who had a litter.

They said they had a female. We were on our way. When we got there. All of the sudden they said, "Well we promised it do our neighbour across the street"

I was kind of the perturbed about that. But there is was this puppy in the basket that did not jump out and run all over the yard. Mind you there was a litter of 14. I know, Wow.

It was a male. I would stop petting him and he would do his puppy bark and he would stop when I would start petting him again.

My wife looked at me and said it is up to you if you want a male. It took me all of 1 second. I pointed down and said, "This one" She replied, "You sure?"

I just picked him up and gave the people the cash and headed for the truck. They said, "What about the papers?" I told them, "I don't want them or need them"

We were off and on our way home. He got sick on the ride on my wifes shoulders. lol

She asked, "What do you want to name him?" I said, "Reno" She glared at me. That is the name of the owner that we just got him from. I didnt care. That was a cool name. 

She stayed home with him and I went to the pet store to buy food, bed and other stuff. 

Well we all know how it is when puppies are first separated. The whine most of the night. My wife gave him a teddy bear aka as his woobie. He slept through with no issues.

Well it was time to get him fixed. Well after the surgery he started peeing in his sleep. The vet gave us some medicine to basically keep him from peeing. Well he got worse. I decided to find another vet. We found one around the corner from us. She had just opened her store. 

Come to find out. He had a serious infection from dirty operating utensils. She told us if we waited another day he would have died. She put him on broad antibiotics and would call every evening for a week to see how he was doing. We took him back in after that week and he was fully recovered and he was fine. 

I reported the original vet. This vet (whom I think is the greatest ever ) took over his care until the end. He had allergies and she went to a vet conference down in Los Angeles just for Reno' sake. Well he was on those meds for the rest of his life. It was about 4 years that he was on them. It stopped him itching. He was acting like a puppy again. At he was 6 when he started. 

He had a couple of surgeries during his life to remove cysts. But he was always ok afterwards. Any time we would mention "Lets get your chink chinks on" ( his dog collar with tags ) and go see Doc Mac. He was at the front door and could not wait to see her. 

He was strictly and indoor dog. Every time we had to take him out go to the bathroom, we stayed out with him. My wife and I's philosophy. If it is too hot or cold outside for us humans then it is worse for them. We would sit out there with him. However the last 3 years it was hard to walk him at night here in California due to the horrible air from the fires. So we played alot inside. 

Now picture this. He was about a year old. We have this center thing in the house that is a pantry that goes from ceiling to floor. Well my wife was doing laundry one day and he grabbed her bra. She asked him to give it back. She started to chase him in the house and they were playing ring around the rosie. We had a lot of ring around the rosies in this house.

He also had his own couch. It was stocked with pillows. Well one day he jumps on his couch and started acting silly. Pillows went flying and my wife says,  "Reno you messing up that couch?" Well that was another new game. He also did it to our bad. lol

One time we were going to bed. My wife was finished up brushing her teeth. Reno wanted to play He liked to come along side me and flop his butt next to me and wanting to play.

My intent was to say, "I dont want your stinker in my face" Well it came out "Snickers" instead of "Stinkers" Hence that stuck. All I had to say, "Reno you wanna play Snickers?" and it was on. LOL

Ok one last thing then I will close. I had shoulder surgery back in 2011. They had me take my arm out of the sling a day after surgery. Man did it hurt. I could not sleep.

Reno came up and slept next to me. I did not understand. Of course he stuck his butt end towards my face. But it was not snickers. I put my arm in the crook of his hip. I used a blanket to cover his butt up. I did not want to get gassed out. lol

He would slither up and down until he felt my arm resting in the crook of his hip. He would not move during the night. Not once. He did that foe a month then I told him that I am ok now.

It was his idea to do that. I would have never thought of that. That is why it is killing me inside that he is gone. I miss him soo much. One day when I cross over I am hitting that bridge and getting him.

Thank you for asking about him. It helps. I would do anything to hold him again.



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ez
Thank you for sharing Reno’s story with me. I’m honored. It sounds like you were robbed of his love and companionship way to early. I read this the day you wrote it but I could not respond till today. Sometimes it is just too painful to come to the bridge. I know it is supposed to be a healing catharsis but it doesn’t work that way for me. Being schooled in the science of human behavior is not necessarily helpful dealing with your own grief. I could sit here all day and spout the same useless platitudes that people say when dealing with the loss of a loved one. They’re trying to help but it just means they don’t understand. Unfortunately for people like us time does not heal all wounds and it really doesn’t get better. You learn to put it in a place where it doesn’t destroy you. You put one foot in front of the other and you draw in another breath because you have to. Maybe someday I can tell you about my little girl, today it’s about you and Reno. I can tell from your post that you have successfully navigated the five stages of grief. By that I don’t mean to imply that everything is hunky dory it just means that you have accepted your new reality and you’re moving forward. Emotionally you are healthy but not healed. I will break my own rule and tell you that what is loved is never lost and I have no idea if that is good or bad. I know it was painful for you tell me Reno’s story. I wish you all good things and I will think of you and Reno often
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