I can't believe it's been a month since my baby passed away. Is it normal for the anniversaries to be difficult? I was feeling a bit better last week, but for the last two days I've been down in the dumps. I'm remembering how it was like the morning before she passed and thinking if only I knew it was her last day I would've stayed with her and been there for her. I keep going over what it was like January 3rd, and I just want to cry. I wish she could come back to me still, and I could give her another kiss and feel her soft feathers.
I adopted a new baby bird two weeks ago and he is settling in pretty well. He whistled all weekend and seemed content in his cage. I just feel bad because last night out of habit I shook the cover like Hobo Jo used to like. Bo would make the cutest excited squeaks when I did that...and for some reason I was expecting that same reaction. But poor Pixel just coward in the bottom of his cage and got really scared of the cover. I felt so bad for scaring him, guilty that I expected him to be like Bo without even thinking, and so incredibly sad that I would never hear Bo do that again. I started to cry so hard. I walked into the other room because I was worried I would upset Pixel more. I just know that animals understand our feelings and I just hope he doesn't think I don't love him because I get sad around him sometimes.
I also hope I'm not forcing him to hang out with me too much. I'm trying to tame him by picking him up and having him sit on me, and I put him back when he stresses out too much, but he still doesn't seem to like it much. He flew away from me last night, but he ate seed treat out of my hand this morning and let me kiss him...so he can't be too afraid and upset. He really helps me redirect my focus away from being sad though. He is so fluffy and cute! Maybe he knows that and he's just trying to do that job the best he can. It's a lot to ask of a sweet little baby bird and he is doing awesome!
I just hope it gets better, because today on the one month anniversary it is so hard! But I was better for a while. And the heart wrenching, raw, gaping wound deep within my chest that made me feel as if I was suffocating for the first 2 weeks after Bo passed has subsided. Thank god I don't feel that anymore. It's just the numb dull ache of depression. And that gets broken up by my great friends, family, my amazing boyfriend, and little Pixel pants. It is getting better, just slowly. I still miss you incredibly Bo, but I have to continue to remind myself that you are still here watching over me. The quote from Harry Potter, "The one's who love us, never truly leave us." is so true. And I need to stop feeling so guilty about not being a good enough Mommy for Pixel. We did just fine, and I know you would have liked him and wanted him to have a good home too! I love you so much and keep smiling down on us from heaven!
LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU STINKY BEE! You were an awesome friend!!!!