Dyna

I had my cat for 14 years, had her when I was 16 and now I am 30. She was a huge part of my life.

I lost her yesterday, she went 2-3 days of appearing different in her presentation, I guess as an owner you just know. However, due to the current situation with Covid 19 access to a vet was not straight forward. I was advised it sounded like she had a stomach bug and to take her in on Monday (which is today).
She started off with eating less and stopped staying with me in my room, but instead stayed downstairs with my mum. She came to my room the night before she died, I picked her up and put her on my bed with me. I stayed up the entire night as I was so worried she would die. In the morning thankfully she was still alive (this was Sunday) I called the vet again as I wanted to bring her in as an emergency as now she appeared so weak and breathing rapidly, she was not responding to her name, I refused to accept she was dying, it wasn’t until she lifted her head for the last time and groaned as she looked at me, her head tilted back and this was followed by a fit and appeared to have passed away. I had to leave my room stood outside my door and my brother took over, and you can imagine how difficult this was as she began breathing again, her legs were moving, to the life in her completely gone after 3-4 minutes. I feel horrible, my last memory of her was her in pain, and as though she was crying and looking at me for help, and I could not help her. I try to think of the good things but all I can picture is her little face in pain and I cannot get it out of my head.

I’m crying all day and all night, I dream of her and wake up crying, I see objects and think it’s her.
I miss her and I cannot talk to anyone because they say “it’s just a cat” I feel like I’ve lost a child! And I do not know how to deal with this. I’m not eating or sleeping and I keep blaming myself for her passing. 

I am utterly and completely lost.

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Dyna
6A12363C-679F-44AC-ACBB-DA682B3CE334.jpeg  She was so active, I just cannot understand how she died so quickly. RIP Titty, I love you and will not ever replace you. I’m going to miss our lazy days of doing nothing but laying in bed ..see you soon x
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Molly4always

I am so sorry for the loss of your cat, Titty; such a pretty girl.   My cat started off eating less but acted normal in every other way.  Then she went downhill so fast.  She had advanced lung cancer and there was nothing they could do so I let them end her pain.  One thing I’ve learned here is how well animals hide their illness and how quickly they can go from looking normal to being near death.  You had no way of knowing how sick she was and even if you had gotten her to vet, there may not have been anything they could have done.

I know from experience how devastating it is to lose your fur baby so fast; it is so gut wrenching.  Your whole world just stops. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and then I cried some more.  I couldn’t stop thinking about her last moments and the pain in her eyes.  And nobody understood my grief so I stopped talking about her, my beautiful sweet kitty.  

I sincerely wish I could take your pain away but know that we all here understand.  And we’ll be here for you.

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Dyna

Thank you for your lovely message. It is nice to know I can talk to people and they actually understand because I have not been able to. All I have heard is “you’re not the only one who has lost a pet”

I was unaware about cats hiding their illness so thank you for sharing that, I wonder why that is, in fact even if I sound crazy I was fearing it was COVID19, though I feel I just really wanted to find a reason.

I am honestly just trying to take it by day but my tears are endless, there are two more family cats in the house- i do not have such a strong attachment to them and whenever I see them I break inside thinking about Titty, I also feel like they know she’s gone as they have not entered my room since she passed 2 days ago ..

I’m also sorry for your loss and I hope if you haven’t already that your pain lessens and you find comfort whenever you think about your fur baby x

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JulieF
Dyna,
I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet Titty - she was such a sweet girl!  I had to put my boy, Patch, down yesterday and I am heartbroken.  He was 19 and I have had him since he was a kitten.  He was a feral kitty and I brought him in and he had  been my special boy every since.  He had been diagnosed with kidney failure about 3 - 4 months ago.  He was growing thin and stopped grooming himself, but seemed fine other then that.  Sunday night he was sleeping with me and he jumped off the bed and started to vomit violently (not the cat throw up we all know about.).  AFterward, he seemed fine, but then it happened later.  I had found a large pile the day before but did not know who it was (I have 2 other cats).  He was acting very strange and crying - almost like actual crying.  Yesterday morning he was so lethargic and would not eat.  I knew it was the end.  Because of COVID my vet did not have anyone available yesterday and so I decided to take him to our shelter to have him put to sleep.  Most difficult decision I ever made, but I knew it was the end.  I feel guilty I did not try harder, and was unable to be with him at the very end, but I knew in my heart of hearts he was dying.  Do not beat yourself up.  It is so hard to let go.  I cried all day yesterday and I am sure I will cry all day today.  I miss him so much.  I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better - only that it is ok to feel bad.  Take it one day at a time and try to remember the good times.  I will be praying for you that you can find peace.  We all understand how you feel.
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Dyna
Thank you for messaging me.

Now that you mention your Patch vomiting, Titty also did same the night before and she did this laying down without any energy to get up, it was a clear liquid - figured it was clear because was not eating anything, this is when I chose to keep her close to me and wrapped her in a blanket but even as i picked her up she sounded like she was crying of pain. She had no life in her whatsoever and she did not move from that same position I put her in until her last breaths in the morning/afternoon.

Having Patch taken into your shelter to be put to sleep must have been so difficult, I’m even crying thinking about it..but I know it was for the best.

I sincerely appreciate your support and I am just hoping one day this pain turns into smiles and laughter when i think about her.

x
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JulieF
Yes, Patchy was very listless yesterday.  He would just like on the floor - very unlike him.  It was one of the worst days of my life.  Thanks for writing back.  I am trying very had to only think about the good days with him.  I know the time was coming, but you are never prepared.  I hope you will be able to find peace and comfort in the memories of your beloved.
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Bigcatsdad
I'm so sorry for the loss of Titty, she looked like a sweet little one.
I've been through the same experience. Nine weeks ago we had to make the painful decision to end the pain and say goodbye to my 16 year old best bud, my big black cat, Albert. He was healthy his whole life, a few minor dental issues about four to five years ago but other than that always healthy and happy. He started sleeping and being in quiet dark places that he normally didn't go in. He was hardly eating, drinking and vomiting a lot, there was quite a bit of clear liquid and no hair balls. He was also loosing weight. When we took him to the vet they found he developed an inoperable mass in his abdomen that was pushing against all his vital organs. I couldn't believe how fast he went down hill.The vet told us the same thing, cats are very good at hiding pain and health issues and frequently by the time they start to show symptoms it can be too late and terminal. Your little one may have had serious issues for awhile and you never would have known. I was with Albert when we put him to sleep, I held him in my arms and long after he passed. I was so heart broken and devastated. For three days I couldn't eat, barely sleep and I cried and cried. You don't realize how much our little ones mean to us and how attached and close to our hearts they become until you have to say goodbye. This is the worst grief I have ever felt in my life. It very slowly gets a bit better week by week but grieving all takes time, how long we just don't know Take all the time you need to grieve and don't be afraid to cry, I've cried buckets of tears and there's always more that follow. Try to take a little comfort in that you gave Titty a good  loving home and life for fourteen years and she knows you really loved her. I hope when your sadness subsides a little you can keep the good memories of Titty close to your heart where her spirit is. This forum has helped me immensely, everyone here understands the hurt, pain and great sadness you are feeling, you are not alone. I hope this forum will help you through this difficult time as well.
My deepest sympathies.

-Jeff
Bigcatsdad
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Dyna

Hi Jeff,

Thank you for your message. 
The way your explaining Albert is very similar to Titty, now that I think back she started sleeping behind the fridge (which is also dark) which I could not understand, also you’re probably right she might have had some issues I was not aware of.

I have also cried buckets with every thought I have of her. I honestly did not expect her death to hit me this hard, I’m going through stages of guilt, anger and what I feel like might be depression. I miss her so much I used to talk to her about anything and everything, or put on music and dance around her, although all she would do is roll over on to her back with her legs in the air lol

This forum is helping me, I searched the Internet looking for some sort of comfort or ways to grieve and I thank you and also others for being so supportive and open to share.

I hope your pain for your Albert also lessens and you find comfort in your memories of him.

X

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Bigcatsdad
Thank you,
I was so lost in the first week that Albert passed. If I just thought of him I would break down and cry no matter where I was. It made shopping a different experience. My friend and coworkers offered condolences but none are pet owners so they didn't really understand the heart break I was feeling. The vet gave us some pamphlets on dealing with pet grief and I read a few of those but it didn't help. I was searching on line and found this website and forum  I'm sure glad I did, it has really helped. You go through such an array of feelings with an experience like this, sadness, anger, regret, hurt, guilt and depression. The second week the guilt and regret set in really bad for me. The "what if's" and "should have I". I had so many questions I had for the vet but I was so upset when Albert first passed I was unable to ask. The end of the second week I spoke with the vet, she told me that they did another quick examination of Albert after he passed and we had left. She told me the mass in his abdomen was the size of a small orange and pressing into his vital organs. It was also in among-st his bowel, intestines and other organs and she said that surgery would not have been possible. This brought me some comfort as there was nothing more I could have done. It has slowly week by week gotten a little better. I can look at pictures of Albert without bursting into tears, I smile but I still really miss him. I still have a little cry some days when the sadness gets a little overwhelming. It's been nine weeks and I still open the door when I get home and expect him to get off his favorite blanket on the couch, walk over and welcome me home.
Hang in, it will slowly get better after it gets worse. We form such a strong bond with our little ones and its so hard to say goodbye, it is truly a devastating experience. I hope over time the happy memories of Titty will out number the bad ones and your broken heart can slowly heal.

-Jeff
Bigcatsdad
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