Nstorm_xx
Hi all,

I'm writing on here to try and receive some sort of rational response, and to be able to talk and get things off my chest, as I'm driving myself insane with guilt and pain.

My angel baby Ava, a 6 year old Dogue de Bordeaux, died on the 29th June 2018 due to her epilepsy. She was diagnosed with the condition about a year ago, and would have anywhere between 8-30 cluster seizures every 2 months, over a period of a few days. She was being treated with phenobarbarital and CBD oil, as well as diazepam sometimes if necessary.

She was such a strong girl, always pulling through her fits no matter how many she had, and we'd always be by her side telling her how brave she was and looking after her. I don't work so I spent everyday with her, fits or no fits she was always by my side.

On the day that she died, my mom had called me out of bed at 08:15am and I knew it would be because of Ava having seizures, and it was. When I got downstairs I knew it wasn't like her usual seizures, as she was also having head tremors inbetween each full body conclusion. She was also throwing up dog treats from the day before, which she had never done, And something told me today was the day she was going to leave me.

My mom had to leave for work for an hour, So I stayed with her, helping her as best I could through her fits, using an ice pack on her bag to try and bring her out of them quicker. Eventually they started happening every 5 minutes, then every 30 seconds. She ended up having around 30-50 fits in the space of an hour and a half. I was calling my mom but she wouldn't answer, and I started crying because I knew there was nothing I could do to help her. She was unresponsive to me, her eyes were fixed and I don't think she even knew I was there with her.

Eventually, her fits became continuous, And it took me a few minutes to realise she was having no break inbetween. I knew she'd gone into status epilepticus, and she was at risk of having brain damage. I was sobbing by this point, hugging her and calling her whilst still trying to contact my mom.

My mom got back a couple minutes later and we managed to lift all 64kg of Ava into the back of my mom's car, all the while she was still in a state of fitting. I'd called the vet earlier to tell them we were coming in, and we raced there as fast as we could. I was hugging and kissing her in the car and she was still seizing, though her head was only moving slightly due to having no energy I imagine. I knew she'd have developed brain damage by this point, which broke my heart.

The second we pulled up to the car park, my mom rang inside for the vets to get the stretcher. I was constantly stroking Ava, telling her it would be okay and I'd protect her.

The second I got out of the car to let the vets get Ava onto the stretcher, we raced inside, and took her into the back room. They placed her onto the floor and she was just limp, and I felt my heart stop in my chest. I knew she had died, But I couldn't comprehend it. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

My mom confirmed it and so did the vets, and I absolutely lost it. My baby girl, the one I was supposed to protect, had died.

I made sure to clean all her face and her ears and her eyes so she was spotless before we had to leave her. I've never felt so much pain in all my life, and two days on all I feel is guilt. I feel I could've done more, And as horrible as it sounds I feel as though if my mom hadn't gone to work, Ava would still be with us right now.

In a sense I feel some sort of relief, as she's no longer having to go through seizures every 2 months, no longer having to be confused and dazed wondering what is happening and why she keeps passing out then coming back.

I just miss her so so much, we were best friends and I feel so guilty and bad for failing her the way that I have. I spoiled her constantly and gave her so much love, but to know that shes not going to be waiting outside my bedroom door after I've showered or lying next to me on my pillow in the middle of the night makes me no longer want to continue.

I can't speak to my parents about it because they're as distraught as me, and I don't want to make anybody feel worse or guilty. I just needed to get it off my chest and get some opinions that will hopefully tell me I'm not the complete monster that I feel. My dogs are my life, and there is nobody I love more than them.

Thank you for reading. I've attached some photos of my princess so you can see what a beautiful baby she was. I miss her so much. I can't see life without her :(
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Julia_Loves_McCartney
I'm so sorry for your loss of Ava. It's normal to feel guilt, but please don't. There is nothing that could be done about it. Seizures are one of those things that can't be stopped. They just kind of happen and have to be waited out.

Sending prayers your way, God bless.

~I love you eternally, McCartney boy~

You can visit my kitty McCartney's Rainbow Bridge Memorial here: http://www.rainbowbridge.com/residents/MCCAR001/Resident.htm

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Tankie12
You asked for a rational response. I can give you compassion, understanding and support but believe me there is nothing rational about all the feelings that go along with grief. They are heavy, overwhelming and the most intense pain most of us have felt. I can’t even imagine how helpless you felt to be alone with your sweet baby as the seizures continued over and over. The pain you feel compounded with that has to be excruciating. I’m so very sorry. You were there to talk to her and comfort her, you didn’t let her down. You were with her through it all, than you cleaned her before you left. Her body is gone, not her spirit, that’s with You. All the love, that’s with you. You’re on a journey now, grief. The people here understand what you’re feeling, we’re going through all of this also. Write, keep coming back, read the other comments, you’ll feel less alone. It’s all very raw, expect lots of tears, but we’re here for you,,,,,
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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Nstorm_xx
Thank you both so much for your loving words. The ache I feel is truly unbearable but reading both of your responses helps me know I'm not alone in this. You're both such wonderful people and thank you for taking the time to respond. Xxxx
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xxcesarxx
My dog hercules was diagnosed with epilepsy at 2 yrs old and I put him to sleep at 4 yrs old. He seized every 10 days for 4 months, cluster seizures. The neurologist said he wasn't getting Any better after upping the dose and adding meds. My cousins dog died a couple of months before due to a seizure he was epileptic as well. I knew the day was coming and I decided that my dog would not suffer a death like that or continue suffering, he died peacefully. No more pain, No more seizures. The pain was unbearable for months but Id do it again. I believe that rainbow bridge exists, heaven in other words, and we will get to see our beloved furry babies again. People ask me to get another dog but I won't. My love for Hercules is real, and I will love him until my last breath just like he loved me.I understand your pain please Stay strong . My condelences.
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Sil
Nstorm xx,

I am sorry for your loss of Ava.  My very special male-doggie, Sol suffered from seizures. For his first ten years of life, he was fine, but, he since 2016 he started having seizures.  And, also his liver was compromised.  He was been gone for almost a year.  

We as pet owners try to do what's best for our beloved pets, but, sometimes, their medical conditions take a toll on their bodies.  I understand your pain.  Hugs
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Julia_Loves_McCartney
Nstorm_xx wrote:
Thank you both so much for your loving words. The ache I feel is truly unbearable but reading both of your responses helps me know I'm not alone in this. You're both such wonderful people and thank you for taking the time to respond. Xxxx


You are so welcome <3 

~I love you eternally, McCartney boy~

You can visit my kitty McCartney's Rainbow Bridge Memorial here: http://www.rainbowbridge.com/residents/MCCAR001/Resident.htm

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Nstorm_xx
xxcesarxx wrote:
My dog hercules was diagnosed with epilepsy at 2 yrs old and I put him to sleep at 4 yrs old. He seized every 10 days for 4 months, cluster seizures. The neurologist said he wasn't getting Any better after upping the dose and adding meds. My cousins dog died a couple of months before due to a seizure he was epileptic as well. I knew the day was coming and I decided that my dog would not suffer a death like that or continue suffering, he died peacefully. No more pain, No more seizures. The pain was unbearable for months but Id do it again. I believe that rainbow bridge exists, heaven in other words, and we will get to see our beloved furry babies again. People ask me to get another dog but I won't. My love for Hercules is real, and I will love him until my last breath just like he loved me.I understand your pain please Stay strong . My condelences.


I am so so sorry to hear about Hercules. It's so horrible to see your baby go through such traumatic seizures so frequently and you are so so brave for making the decision to save him from further suffering. Sending all my love to you, Thank you for your words xxx
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Nstorm_xx
Sil wrote:
Nstorm xx,

I am sorry for your loss of Ava.  My very special male-doggie, Sol suffered from seizures. For his first ten years of life, he was fine, but, he since 2016 he started having seizures.  And, also his liver was compromised.  He was been gone for almost a year.  

We as pet owners try to do what's best for our beloved pets, but, sometimes, their medical conditions take a toll on their bodies.  I understand your pain.  Hugs


I am so so sorry to hear about Sol, sending all my love to you. The things we do for our pets go beyond anything others can imagine. Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to respond xxx
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Sil
Nstorm xx,

Remember your are not alone, grief is a painful journey  and in this forum, we all understand what you are going through.  Ava knew how much you loved her, and even though Ava is not here physically, her love for you will always be "secured" in your heart.  Hugs
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