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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #16 
My baby boy bret... I went back to work last night and it didn't go well. Nobody ever knew bout you at work cause I know they would not understand. I had to make a few trips to the bathroom cause I felt the tears coming. When I got home I just let it out and couldn't sleep. Today has been extremely hard again
I miss you so much your comfort you gave me the happiness you gave me whenever I came home from somewhere there are just no words being here without you. The loneliness with you gone is just to say I can't stand being in this house without you. I have to force myself on Tuesdays to take out the garbage, push myself to go to mailbox. I walked out to get mail today and on the way back burst into tears. You were my everything and the sun is shining you loved it outside when the sun was shining we did everything outside together. I just dont know how I can go on without you. I'm not feeling well either I probably will never have the feeling of unconditional love you gave me. I will always love you my baby boy give giz a kiss for me. Love your mommy

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Judi coltrain
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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #17 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Judicoltrain
My baby boy bret... I went back to work last night and it didn't go well. Nobody ever knew bout you at work cause I know they would not understand. I had to make a few trips to the bathroom cause I felt the tears coming. When I got home I just let it out and couldn't sleep. Today has been extremely hard again
I miss you so much your comfort you gave me the happiness you gave me whenever I came home from somewhere there are just no words being here without you. The loneliness with you gone is just to say I can't stand being in this house without you. I have to force myself on Tuesdays to take out the garbage, push myself to go to mailbox. I walked out to get mail today and on the way back burst into tears. You were my everything and the sun is shining you loved it outside when the sun was shining we did everything outside together. I just dont know how I can go on without you. I'm not feeling well either I probably will never have the feeling of unconditional love you gave me. I will always love you my baby boy give giz a kiss for me. Love your mommy

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Judi coltrain
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Achilly

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Reply with quote  #18 
Judi so sorry work was so hard, my first day back was too. I count concentrate and only made it half a day. Its better now, coming home and being home is still so hard. I had yesterday off and used to love those days. Yesterday was awful. I saw a dog walking that looked like Chance he even had the same winter vest. It broke my heart😢😢😢 there is still this big hole my brother inlaw said to get another to fill the hole. Nick and I agree that is not a option at this point. Nick and I have no children together so Chance was our baby. Some people don't realise we lost our baby.
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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #19 
Hi achilly I'm glad you are doing little better. I know the coming home and being home is eating me up inside. Just can't get past this. You are blessed to have husband by your side and knowing you both loved chance with all heart and soul. I don't have anyone with me to talk to bout this. I will be ok for couple hrs and it comes again. Any little thing I think bout whether it be past or future I think what am I gonna do without him. Yesterday was very bad n today again too. Yesterday fb posted memory from 5 yrs ago and it was a pic of Bret n gizmo... they were best pals they loved each other so much n Bret was laying next to giz with his head on top of him. I just somehow want to think did this happen for a reason at this time leading me to think they are really together again at rainbow bridge. When giz passed away he was 13 and heart problems and I took it hard just like this but Bret was depressed too n I had to be there for him n he was there for me to get through. And now it's especially hard cause I have neither one. And the loniless is to die for. It's suppose to be in the mid 40s here and sunny this this wkend and that's not gonna help either. Well I guess ill quit jibber jabbing now. I wish I could bring chance back for you and I hope you continue to heal your broken heart. Thanks for thinking of me. Take care hugs
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Judi coltrain
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Achilly

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Reply with quote  #20 
Judi Hello, I'm so sorry you don't have anyone to understand. That's very hard. One thing you have this site to talk to people who do understand. I also wish i could given you your Bret back. The spring weather is just not a happy feel is it?? Normally We would be so excited. Not this year😢 take care hugs
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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #21 
Hi achilly... no not looking forward to this nice weather at all. I suppose live it one day at a time like now. Don't know what is keeping me going it's not by will that's for sure. Wish we could turn back time I still talk to him like he was still here at times. Hope you are doing better. Oh I wanted to tell you I seen a commercial on tv the other day it was bout some soap to wash your bed clothes and it showed a dog rolling around on the bed and the first thing that came to my mind was your chance cause it looked just like him in your pic. I don't know if you ever seen it or not. It was really cute. Take care
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Judi coltrain
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Broken1

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Reply with quote  #22 
Judicoltrain,
  Judy I have a really good support system and I’m beside myself.I just read your alone and I’m not ok w it.in the prayer to St.Francis it says “O divine master grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console“ with that said if you need someone to talk to I’m here you can direct message me (I think you can do that here) my day today was really bad and moms was the worst yet, boy do we miss our Baby,that innocent little face!!! I wish 
I could look at his pics and share them w you guys,he was just THE CUTEST!!! God please tell me I did the right thing,my Baby didnt deserve a needle,he didn’t deserve his daddy betraying him...I just cant deal!!! What if he would've gotten better But then I think “what if he wouldve had a horrible,terrible death?” I’m just up and down. Baby please forgive Daddy,I love you baby,I LOVE YOUUUUU.Grandma miss’ you and your plate of food is still here and so are your strawberries...
You were the best boy EVERRRRRRRR.I cant listen to our song “sweet creature” (harry styles) it has a different meaning now and all daddy does is cry and cry,pace and pace.I haven’t slept because when you were sick and we were up all night all I wanted to do was sleep.now,I can sleep and it don’t mean a THING! I wish you were here,I was just tired Baby,tired of you being sick,tired of hearing you cough,tired of no one being able to help,tired of going to vets,8 VETS and specialists,tired of just being helpless,tired of giving you drugs for you to just have a couple of hours (if that) of relief..it just wasn’t fair! my beautiful little boy,my little “munchkin orunchkin”

your broken friend,
Jimmy

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Achilly

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Reply with quote  #23 
Judi I haven't seen the commercial yet, it sure is cute seeing dogs rolling all over. I'm sorry you don't have a support system from family or friends. Just known that you have one here. The weather is changing and its pretty nice out almost 40° its just not the same feeling as last year, is it.. I'm doing the best i can, but its still hard to feel happy and carefree. My husband and I both no longer look forward to coming home from work. He didn't work yesterday and napped the whole day, just not to feel the emptiness.. Please take care hugs
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Broken1

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Reply with quote  #24 
Achilly,
Mom and I are taking it very bad.She‘lol be crying,Ill be strong for her,Ill be crying,she’ll be strong for me.Our Baby took his last poop right out in the front yard,Ill look at it and cry my eyes out (knowing it came from that little body).I will not let myself sleep because the night after he passed out I jumped up 5am because I didn't hear him,then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was hysterical.Then I feel like ,when he was sick and I’d wake up multiple times a night to walk him,reposition him or try to stop him from coughing (5-6 times a night) all I’d want to do is sleep,I’d be so cranky once it hit 5am,6am,7am That now w him gone and I can sleep,I’m punishing myself like “ok sleep now it was so important then” I dont know why I’m punishing myself or thinking this way but I’m just the opposite from you guys I don’t and wont let myself sleep...

missing my baby boy,
Jimmy

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Achilly

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Reply with quote  #25 
Judi and Jimmy this morning has been very hard. Lately its been coming home, but today is Saturday and he used to jump on the bed to get us up. My husband was sitting on the bed and leaned over to pick up his socks and for a second I thought he was petting Chance😢😢😢at the end he layed right next to Nick on the floor. I'm sitting on the floor in my living room. Looking at his empty bed. I see the blanket we bought him for Christmas, which i expected him to get use out of. Its so cute with puppies and kitty's all over it. Now it just reminds me he didn't have enough time.. Its just pisses me off I HATE CANCER!!!! My big boy broke both ACLs had a bad heart and it didn't fase him. But cancer took him from us and I'm so made and heartbroken. When he hadnsuergey for his acls we got a huge 6x6 kennel to put in our living room. So he could heal and not put to much weight on his leg walking around the house. It was risky having the surgey because of his size. But we did everything by the book. 12 weeks of revovery. We slept and atayed in that kennel with him the dirst weekend. After that we would not stay in it along. So we fenced off the living room so he was free, but still didn't have alot of space to put weight on the knee. He was only 6 at the time. I knew his heart couldn't take any procedure when we found out about the cancer. But if i thought he could and wouldn't suffer. We would of did anything to save our boy. God he was the best!!!
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Broken1

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Reply with quote  #26 
Achilly,
  Omg I know your pain about not being able to do a surgery either.My Baby suffered from collapsed trachea (and enlarged heart,typical for Pomeranians),there is a surgery where they put a stent in there trachea BUT 7 out of 8 vets (only the money hungry one that would've done surgery) said”NO,it has a high failure rate” and “its a much worse death the scar tissue chokes your dog to death” as well as ”hes so old and w enlarged heart,he wont make surgery”.which turned out to be true,when they gave him the Propofol (to sedate him prior To giving heart stop meds) that put him down,so they were right,”he wouldnt have made surgery”.I'm happy the last thing he seen and heard was me telling him “how much I love him“and “I’m sorry” not a bunch of stranger standing over and staring at him! But even that went against my Baby,EVERYTHING! But again I know the pain of not being able to do a procedure.

your broken friend,
jimmy

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Lrogers424

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Reply with quote  #27 
Hi Judi,

I've walked your path as many here have.  In the beginning every day is devastating, unreal and a battle just to get through.  Honestly, if you can make it from 1 hour to the next consider it a victory.  I am over 1.5 years since losing my sweet 12 year old girl.  She was my constant companion and much more than friend or family.  I only realized after she passed that she was also my emotional stability.  The loss was more than I could bear and after several months I adopted another puppy.  She is a spirited little thing who has brought back so much joy into my life.  It was not easy in the beginning and it took months for us to bond, but I am glad I opened my heart up again and cannot imagine life without her.  I still deeply miss my Daisy and cherish the time we had together.  Not a day goes by that I don't think for her and I will never stop loving her.  Grief does not have a time limit, but neither does the love.

 I wish you peace and please be kind and patience with yourself as you work through your loss.

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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #28 
Hi achilly.. I'm so sorry for you. I know your pain it never goes away. I still have my booties laying on the rug he would always be laying on of a morning when I got up. I always put him in bed with me at night but he always ended laying down there of a morning. I think he probably would get down in the night and get a drink and he couldn't jump back on the bed. Then again sometimes in the day he would get up there. I just want him back thats all I want. Every time I look outside and see his fav tree I lose it. What am I gonna do when mowing the grass around that tree.im sure certain things keep running thru your mind as well. I don't think it will ever stop for me. It's sunny out today and mid 40s and I don't even want to go outside. Don't know if I will ever be able to move on. I wish you and and your husband well and and chance was blessed to have been loved by you and you was blessed to have been loved by him. Take care
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Judi coltrain
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Judicoltrain

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Reply with quote  #29 
Thank you Lrogers424.. your kind words mean the world to me. Every hr of everyday is just brutal for me to get thru. He was also my emotional stability also. He was everything and then some. No words can say how I will make it through this devastating pain I feel on a daily basis. He was all I had going on and this loneliness is gonna take the best of me. I miss his unconditional love he gave me day after day and the hurt will not go away. Thank you for your thoughts take care ....judi
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Judi coltrain
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