Haberdog
I really don't know where to start. I came here with the hopes that I can just express how I am feeling at the loss of my baby boy Freckles. On Nov 19th he passed away while in my arms. He was battling with histiocytic sarcoma and was diagnosed in Nov 2015. 

He was battling with histiocytic sarcoma and was diagnosed in Nov 2015. The first tumor found was on his spleen and we immediately had our vet remove the spleen and tumor in an attempt to catch the cancer before it metastasized. He seemed to respond well to the surgery and his overall health after was great. When we moved to New Mexico we decided to seek a referral for the VCA clinic in Albuquerque to have him further evaluated by the Oncologist there Dr. Barbara Kitchell. His evaluation went fairly well, but the recommended we begin chemo treatments for him to help prevent the spread of cancer.

Everything was going well. His chemo treatments were not too taxing for him, and he seemed to be responding well. But then in May of this year, we noticed that his belly was enlarging and he was having difficulty reaching his water and food in his bowls without them being elevated. we again made the trip to Albuquerque to see Dr. Kitchell. He was diagnosed with a tumor on his liver. We knew then that this was serious and that he was in trouble. Dr. Kitchell recommended a more intensive chemo drug for our little boy. He began his new treatment, and it was horrible. He was so miserable for days after each treatment that after the third one we couldn't bare to put him through it anymore. My wife and I decided to end his chemo treatments and with that, we essentially sealed his fate. 

We felt that letting nature take its course and allowing him to live peacefully was better. We knew we were going to lose him, but we had no idea when, how or how bad we would feel after. After we stopped his chemo, his belly began to grow. 

After we stopped his chemo, his belly began to grow. He eventually stopped being able to run and was not eating as much. His blood tests revealed that he was anemic and by the end of October we knew he was getting close. We decided that as long as he had a decent quality of life and he wasn't in pain we wouldn't put him to sleep. He was doing ok (I guess ok is a relative term here) until Nov 18.  

On Nov 18th Freckles' back legs began to swell and he started having trouble standing. He had already began having labored breathing about a week before, but it was worse on Friday. We finally decided enough was enough and made an appointment with our vet for Monday to euthanize him. This decision ate us alive and we knew we had to give Freckles the time of his life during his last weekend. we took him for a car ride Saturday (he loved riding in the car), we took him to the park and took pictures with him, and when we got home we showered him with so much love and affection he was probably sick of us. Then Saturday night arrived.

At around 6:30pm Freckles was having some sort of episode that really seemed to cause him pain. Pain is not something Freckles ever showed us. This was the first time we really saw his discomfort and pain. We decided we couldn't wait until Monday. We had to do something before then. We gave him some pain medicine (prescribed for him by Dr. Kitchell) and they seemed to help. So we decided that we would take him to the emergency vet on Sunday morning.

At around 11:15pm while we were laying in bed, Freckles started having another episode similar to the earlier one. This one was different though and more troublesome for him. Then about a minute later, Freckles sat straight up (something we hadn't seem him be able to so since Friday morning) and began to breathe very rapidly. I tried to calm him as much as I could with soothing words and by touching his chest. Then suddenly he seemed to gasp and then he collapsed onto my chest. I immediately tried to lift him up as I called out to him. I noticed he wasn't breathing and I lost it. I called to him and cried for him. I wanted so much for him to not be gone. I had no idea what to do so I just held him and cried. 

It has been two days and I can't get that image of his last moments out of my head. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the vet earlier. But then I also think that the way he dies was ok because he was in his house, in our bed, and with people that he knew loved him. Everything I do, say and see reminds me of him. I still can't believe he is gone from life after 9 years of always being by my side. Everyone tells me the pain will pass with time, but I don't know. I have never loved someone so much and then lost them. I miss him so much and I want him back so bad. 

I know this is a long message and most probably won't read it because of that, but I had to get the message out there that I loved my Freckles so much and wanted nothing more than for him to be safe. To Freckles I would say, We miss you my little buddy and we hope you are ok where you are. We love you so much and really hope we get to see you again someday. Rest now Frecks. 

Thank you to anyone that reads this and responds. If anyone wants to know more about Freckles and his amazing life (he traveled overseas with me twice) let me know and I will post more about our little angel.

Freckles Face.jpg
Good Night my sweet Freckles.
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furevercasey
I'm so sorry for the loss of your darling Freckles.  He was a beautiful boy.  I can tell that you are still in shock now.  You gave him a wonderful life.  You made his last days as happy and comfortable as you could and he died in his own home with you by his side.  I don't think you could have done anything more than that.  It has been a little over four weeks for me and I wish I could tell you it's going to get easier but it hasn't so far.  Reaching out to the people on this site has helped me tremendously.  Even if no one responds to your posts, it helps to get your feelings out.  Hang in there.  Everyone here says the first two weeks is the hardest and it certainly was for me.  I'm wishing you peace and acceptance.
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Pippasmum
Oh haberdog... I'm so so sorry for your loss and for all you've been through.

I'm on day 11 since I lost my baby/ best friend. Like furevercasey said, I wish that i could tell you that this pain will go away in a few days or weeks but it hasn't for me. However, I am learning to hide it and carry on with my life. When I say hide it, I mean I'm able to get to work and do my job. When I'm at home I am a miserable, sobbing mess and all I want is to have my darling Pippa back home where she belongs.

I know exactly what you mean... this is the first time I've ever lost someone that I loved this much. I've lost family members before (human ones) which was terrible, but they were extended family, and while I loved them dearly I didn't live with them. I wasn't used to spending hours with them every day. I disnt get up to look after them every day. I'm not saying that human loss isn't as bad as dog loss, just saying that it's very different and can have a much bigger impact on us because of how much time we spend with them, and the daily routine we have with them.

I have lost a four-legged family member before, so I know that it does get better eventually. But it takes a long time. It sounds like you gave freckles a wonderful life, and he had the people that he loved with him at the end, and in the comfort of his own home. Try and find peace in this.

The People here on this forum are wonderful and have given me so much support. Come here and talk to us if ever you feel you need to talk about your terrible bereavement.

Sending you love and hugs xxxx
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Lenegal
I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved and beautiful Freckles. I have stated that losing our beloved pets is many times more difficult than losing a human. They're our babies. I lost my beloved Jake, the Italian Greyhound in July. I still grieve for him. Lately, because of the upcoming holidays. I miss him so much and have started crying again. I, once again, keep remembering how, as he was euthanized as I held him in my arms, how I could feel his heart against my chest, and how I felt it when it stopped. You are in the worst stages of grief, the early stages. I am not going to lie, this is the most heart wrenching stage. My heart goes out to you as you grieve.
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Timmymissu
This made me cry sooooo sad rip freckles wot a beautiful dog x
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Haberdog
Thank you all for your warm thoughts and words of encouragement. As I read each of your posts so far I again began to shed tears for my baby boy. I thank you all for taking the time to respond and offer kind words. I know that the pain will pass with time, but for now, I don't want it to. I want to miss him and I want to think about him all the time no matter how much it hurts. I don't know if that sounds weird, but it is how I am right now. When I am laying in bed at night I imagine he is still laying next to me and that brings me some comfort, but then I start to relive the moment where he passed and it tears my heart into pieces all over again. It has only been 3 days so I am not expecting much yet, and I may not get passed this completely until after the holidays. Winter was always our favorite time of the year and Freckles loved the snow. He would bury his face in it and throw it around. I remember seeing his face just covered with snow so many times and he would always be smiling. When we took him off his chemo treatments we just hoped that he would live to see another snowfall. Unfortunately that didn't happen, but hopefully, there is snow for him to play with in Heaven. 
Good Night my sweet Freckles.
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sarab
Freckles was such a sweet, cute dog and reading your story broke my heart.  I can tell you and your wife were the best pet parents and that you gave Freckles a life that couldn't have been done better by anyone else.  I know how hard this is for you and the pain is unbearable.  From reading your story though, you did all you could and the fact that he could pass with you present and in your home is priceless.  I pray for peace and healing in your lives.  Again, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
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