Almita Show full post »
Almita
Thank you so much fo sharing your thoughts Jen...not a day goes by that I cry over my Alma....I did not tae the decision with all the certainty I would now wish for but I did think that it would be harder for her to recover every time and I didn't want for her to have needles put into her or other intrusive procedures because I knew that that for her was not quality of life. I hated to see her suffer it was almost unbearable I was beside myself I was very very sad and very confused. I also had in the back of my mind her age of course and the fact that she was weaker since the vestibular syndrom in April. Despite all this it is still a nightmare come true.  

I find some comfort in the fact that I did sense that she was coming toward the end of her life so I sat with her a few time to tell her how much I thanked her for all these beautiful years and that she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was lucky to have found her not the other way round. I also carried her through the garden on my arms, she had stopped sniffing around mostly. She would only sniff in town where she could smell other dogs but she had stopped just sniffing around the garden or strolling quite a while ago.

The difference between her old age and the younger years was big of course she was once a vibrant doggie who could jump even in high chairs and fly over puddles and run so fast you couldn't get her!, She would dig holes in my mums garden that she would disappear in to find one single mouse, and she would stand by my side if I as much as thought of opening a cookie box. She could do sit, and sleep and dance and fetch things and roll over. She was so smart. When she grew older and she didn't like to do some of the tricks any more I didn't force her and our circles became smaller. We used to go on endless walks....I started carrying her up the stairs when her eyesight went. 

Every day of her getting older brought us closer together. She was so independent when she was younger and as she grew older she relied on me for everything. I loved to look after her. She gave me back in love a miilion times what I gave her. My life is empty now, I am in total despair over losing her. She was my soulmate, my friend, my baby. Fate brought us together and I so wish I had done more or waited longer. It breaks my hear every day....

I try to be greatful for all those years and I am but this doesn't ease the pain of losing her. It is not fair that this gift of love is combined with this pain. It is not fair that such an innocent being has to go....I don't know how I am ever getting over this, it has been 25 days of utter dispair and I so want her back with me....
Alma, the light of my life in my darkest hours....you will be missed forever...
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Almita
Hello again, how is your little cat doing? Is she ok? Are the meds still working? Why did they think she had a tumour on her Spine? Thank you again for posting earlier on.  I am still in shock over my Alma...it is not easy. Hope you are well x
Alma, the light of my life in my darkest hours....you will be missed forever...
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Almita
Hello MAIcindor,
I just read about Bailey and Max...how tragic I am so sorry for your losses....Your Bailey looked a bit like my Alma so sweet and innocent. Life is not fair....It must have been hell for you to live through these moments with Max and Bailey. I can only imagine your pain.... I don't know how we will pull through but we may have to but it is very difficult. It seems that no matter how it happens there is always or often a feeling of guilt involved. That is the worst for me....I send you hugs and wish you well, I hope we will heal in time...x
Alma, the light of my life in my darkest hours....you will be missed forever...
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Almita
Myboylennon1 wrote:
Almeta please do not think that you have your beautiful doggy killed you released her from anymore pain and suffering at 17 years old I cannot see how there could have been any way forward for your best friend. I too had to make this decision for my lovely big black labrador Lennon he was just 11 years old but had congestive heart failure and chronic arthritis this was the worse day of my life and like you I also regret this but I try to think what was best for him not me. It sounds to me that you did absolutely everything that you could to make your little ones last days as comfortable as possible it is only natural to have doubts now and regrets.

My Lennon had 5 months treatment for congestive heart failure before I was told that his heart was so bad that it was going to give way I had the opportunity to see a specialist but my vet said there was no cure and my husband through more tests would be cruel and best to just give him the medication and some quality of life. I feel this was the wrong decision but I can't change it now. I feel your pain but seriously in your situation you absolutely 100% did the right thing there was no way you could have let the seizures carry on like that it wouldn't have been fair. You made the ultimate selfless decision for your dog even though it has now broken your heart but there is no more suffering now only peace. Your doggy was well loved take comfort in this and try not to be too hard on urself you did your best and the decision you made was the right one.

Take care.

Jen
Alma, the light of my life in my darkest hours....you will be missed forever...
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Mistysmama
Dear Almita,
Your thread about your girl Alma has moved me very much. I am so very sorry for your loss, and your sense of helplessness and tremendous guilt about what happened.

They are so different to us. They are so incredibly stoical that they will get up if they can move, they will soldier on, they will try to drink, walk, wag their tails...anything they are used to doing....sometimes when they are dying.

My girl was diagnosed with terminal hemangiosarcoma and looked fine! But though she survived one internal bleed, another one came for her, and during her last hours on earth when she was bleeding internally -all I got from her was she wanted it to stop so she could get on with life again.
But there was no way back to life on Earth. There were no options left. I had to have her put to sleep. The last thing I wanted to do -willingly let her go so she could leave me here all alone! But I had to for her sake.

I know of another person, a friend of mine whose dog was dying of a heart attack and suddenly ran about the vet's office looking like a young dog -before he collapsed and died in her arms.

The sheer strength of these tiny little Beings is so unlike us, that they fight to the last second for life even when they are dying already. They hardly ever lie down and just take it unless they cannot move at all.

Such things make us second guess....and third guess, and feel terrible guilt about our humane and loving decision at the end -to take them out of further suffering.

I feel what was really wrong here was that the vet was so dispassionate and matter-of-fact, and you could have done with someone who was more gentle in her approach. Someone who talked to you a bit more and explained.
I knew a vet like that, when I sadly had to have my other dog put to sleep. She was matter of fact too, then went to the car to get her stethoscope to check his heart to make sure he had truly passed. And she came back in tears. She was very sad about his passing and I didn't know until I saw that emotion.
Not everyone is a good communicator, and not everyone is good with handling those last moments. Yes they should be, in that profession, but I guess everyone has their failings.

But from what you have described, that your sweet Alma was going though it does sound like her time had come. "Cluster" seizures and that constant awful nausea she must have been feeling was miserable enough. But to have prolonged it -even if she had brief remissions bolstered up by drugs -wouldn't have been pleasant for her. Yes she might have lived a week or two longer, but how comfortable would she have been?

It is awful for us because we feel we've killed a loved one. Someone so special to us. It's heart-rending.
But my dog Misty showed me they live on after they leave their bodies. And unbelievably, she also showed me she was free, happy, healthy and well on the other side. And most importantly the love is so strong from her. Believe me she is happy to have left her body and lives in Spirit in a very real way.

Sometimes she "visits". Her Soul is filled with love. It really is a lovely place she is in now, and she has shown me we are not as separated as I thought we were. She has also shown me that she is there waiting for me very happily.

Your sweet Alma will be the same. Bless her lovely Soul.
My kindest thoughts to you.
Hold the love like a little light. It is all you have, or will ever have, to find your way home.

Misty's Blog..a Dogfight with Cancer http://www.mistysblog69.blogspot.co.uk

Misty's life after death: http://www.dog2spirit.com
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KrazyBoutCatz
Almita wrote:
Hello again, how is your little cat doing? Is she ok? Are the meds still working? Why did they think she had a tumour on her Spine? Thank you again for posting earlier on.  I am still in shock over my Alma...it is not easy. Hope you are well x
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Poofsmom
I am so sorry for your loss.
My Poof (kitty) who was my best friend also crossed the bridge on August 1st.
I just want to send you ((Big Hugs)).
Praying that peace will find you, and your broken heart is mended in knowing that your baby was loved.
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KrazyBoutCatz
I can understand that you are still in shock . . . I am not looking forward to the days when I will have to make the decision to let my furkids' spirits return to the Universe.

The veterinary neurologist doesn't know 100% exactly where the tumor is in her central nervous system, we would have to do an MRI to know for sure. She is guessing based on her age and symptoms where the tumor is. About a week after her first appointment, and had been on the medications a few days, I noticed the beginnings of a seizure, where her legs started to spasm. Thankfully, it stopped. I called the veterinary neurologist the next morning, and she instructed me to decrease the dose of the prednisolone. Since then, I have not seen any signs of seizures starting. On the negative side, the medication levetiracetam has a side effect of depressing the appetite, and so I have to encourage her to eat much more than I did before. She doesn't come running for treats anymore like she used to, but will usually eat them if I bring them directly to her. It also seems to make her more fearful of my younger cats, and she is a bit more aggressive towards them if they come close when she is snuggling next to me.
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Almita
Poofsmom wrote:
I am so sorry for your loss.
My Poof (kitty) who was my best friend also crossed the bridge on August 1st.
I just want to send you ((Big Hugs)).
Praying that peace will find you, and your broken heart is mended in knowing that your baby was loved.


Thank you poofsmom...yes my baby was loved dearly and more than I can say. She was my best friend. My soulmate. I preferred a night with her on the sofa to a night out. She was the best company I could have wished for. Loyal and loving, faithful and true. So sorry also for the loss of your Poof....I can understand your sadness.

Alma, the light of my life in my darkest hours....you will be missed forever...
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LynnCDM
Hi Almita... I read you story... I am so sorry for your loss. I also have struggled with regret, guilt, grief and wish I would have taken my baby to the hospital instead of agreeing to put her down. I was out of town... with a vet I didn’t know. The vet bullied me when I changed my mind. I was so emotional and confused I could not stick up for myself or my dog. It makes me so sad I could not be stronger than I was at such a critical time.

My dog passed away 4 months ago. The last 4 months have been a long hard road. I am not sure my regret will ever totally go away, but I am at least functioning again. No doubt it’s a slow process.

Hugs to you. 💜
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Almita
Hi Almita... I read you story... I am so sorry for your loss. I also have struggled with regret, guilt, grief and wish I would have taken my baby to the hospital instead of agreeing to put her down. I was out of town... with a vet I didn’t know. The vet bullied me when I changed my mind. I was so emotional and confused I could not stick up for myself or my dog. It makes me so sad I could not be stronger than I was at such a critical time.

My dog passed away 4 months ago. The last 4 months have been a long hard road. I am not sure my regret will ever totally go away, but I am at least functioning again. No doubt it’s a slow process.

Hello LynnCDM....I so understand your feelings. I was seing a vet I didn't know because my usual one was on holiday. I asked myself a million times why I didn't insist on having blood works done. I was crying when the vet spoke to me. She made me understand that my Alma was very ill and if it was her dog she would not let her suffer....I hate myself for listening to her.....I should have followed my intuition but I was weak and confused. My Alma was in my arms tired and weak from the night of vomitting and the seizure....I play this moment over and over again my head and I don't understand why I wasn't stronger for my Alma....

Like you I don't think my regret will ever go away. It is more that regret. The guilt of failing to react in a normal way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 
Alma, the light of my life in my darkest hours....you will be missed forever...
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LynnCDM
Absolutely Almita... we are here to support each other. Feel free to private messsge me anytime if you need someone to talk to.
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