summerinosaka
I had to make the difficult decision of putting my cat down today. I wanted at least another week with her, but her illness had progressed to the point where she could barely move on her own and she wet herself wherever she laid; refusing to move and staying in that same spot she urinated in... Leukemia is so awful. I can’t believe such a thing exists. Why? My poor angel didn’t deserve to feel such hurt. Especially in her final days. I wanted to take her to college with me... or at least have her see me graduate High School. I had her since I was eleven. I’ve had a history of depression since I was a kid. Some nights were longer than most... but Cupcake would be there for me. In fact, I’ve held off on suicide so many times because she was one of the things that came to mind. She would always cuddle with me in my bed. She didn’t like to be held much, but would tolerate it. She was very cuddly for a cat like herself... Considering she was a feral. She lived in my room the entire time she was with me. I would always be more than willing to let her leave, but she preferred staying in there, anyways. She had all of her necessities there. I’m just hurt... but I feel like I shouldn’t be. Why should I be sad when such a sweet creature has departed to the kingdom of heaven? Where there is no pain, no worry, and no sickness... And God shines his wonderful light onto them all day every single day. I guess it’s hard to act like you don’t feel hurt. Much less even feel like you don’t hurt... You can’t help but have all of those missed opportunities, experiences, and feelings come to mind. Being in her room makes me feel so hollow inside. Having to remember I’ll never cuddle her in bed again... and wake up all uncomfortable because she hogged half of it. I’ll never hear her cute, ridiculous meows, and I’ll never hear her purrs ever again... This feels like a curse. I will be sad for a while... and I will let myself grieve. These feelings are mine and I’m allowed to feel them... But sometimes I don’t want to bear the burden of feeling them. They can be too much. Cupcake, mommy loves you so much. Mommy will always love you... So will your grandmother, and your uncle Goose. You were his best friend. You were my best friend too; my companion through everything. My sweetest Meep... you will always occupy my heart. I already miss you so much. Thank you for all that you gave me. You were and always will be mommy’s little sweetheart. It pains me knowing humans are bound to live so much longer than animals do.... but mommy will see you in time. You’re with your family and friends now. Please watch over your mommy and your uncle Goose. I’m sure he’s missing you just as much as I am. Be good to yourselves, everyone. Be good to others, too... I will pray for the happiness of every fur mommy/daddy on this forum who has had to deal with the same horrible thing happening... 
Dream little one! You can run and jump and climb again! For always! Dream little one, and I will dream with you.
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summerinosaka
She had such a sweet face. If only I could feel her soft fur and kiss her head one last time. It hurts so much...0AFB740E-D2E9-46F3-B283-2416BECC3344.jpeg 
Dream little one! You can run and jump and climb again! For always! Dream little one, and I will dream with you.
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Peach
I'm so sorry for your loss. She was beautiful. You asked me if I had lost my cat to leukemia too, and I did. The vet said she was most likely born with it and her body fought it off until it just couldn't anymore, so she went from being seemingly perfectly fine to laying in my arms as they gave her one last needle so she could go meet her older brother at the meadows in less than a week. 

I love what you said: "These feelings are mine and I’m allowed to feel them.." 
With the exception of this forum, there aren't many people I know that understand my pain. But to hell with them, if I want to cry and let it out, I will. I don't care what people think anymore, and I will not hide and bury my grief because they are inconvenienced by it. If they don't like it, I will show them the door.
These animals are our best friends and children and NO ONE is going to diminish the importance of that because they don't understand. 
“Until one has loved an animal, a part of ones soul remains unawakened” ~ Anatole France
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summerinosaka
Peach wrote:
I'm so sorry for your loss. She was beautiful. You asked me if I had lost my cat to leukemia too, and I did. The vet said she was most likely born with it and her body fought it off until it just couldn't anymore, so she went from being seemingly perfectly fine to laying in my arms as they gave her one last needle so she could go meet her older brother at the meadows in less than a week. 

I love what you said: "These feelings are mine and I’m allowed to feel them.." 
With the exception of this forum, there aren't many people I know that understand my pain. But to hell with them, if I want to cry and let it out, I will. I don't care what people think anymore, and I will not hide and bury my grief because they are inconvenienced by it. If they don't like it, I will show them the door.
These animals are our best friends and children and NO ONE is going to diminish the importance of that because they don't understand. 


Peach, I can't thank you enough for your continued support on my posts. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing people have experienced and are experiencing what I'm going through right now. I have no idea if Cupcake was infected from birth, from her brother who passed years ago (he had a mysterious illness, but to be honest, I would chock his symptoms up to be symptoms of FeLV.), or from my recently parted kitten who also had the same illness. I'll never know. I'm starting to think she might have developed cancer before she even exhibited symptoms of FeLV. She lost so much weight even before she was sick. I guess I'm just repeating myself, but I'll say it again anyways: I really don't understand why such a sickness exists. I hope in several years there will be an affordable treatment or cure for FeLV. No parent of a pet should have to endure the agonizing pain of watching their cat deteriorate. 

As for what I said about my feelings... It takes a lot for me to convince myself I'm allowed to feel this way. No one in my family is really all that nurturing or supportive when it comes to these things. Well, except for my mother. But my brother and father can be pretty inconsiderate... and I wish they understood my pain. Especially my father. A week ago my father told me not to cry when Cupcake passes... but how can I stop myself from doing that? I can't just suck it up. I never will be able to just "suck it up". I don't understand why some people think bottling up your feelings and never facing them in a healthy way is the more brave way to go about things. It isn't. It seems cowardly compared to reaching out to loved ones and letting yourself cry. In fact, I feel like bottling things up adds on to the trauma you experience. It makes you feel bad for not properly mourning them when the time was right... At least that's how I feel. If people try telling me "it's just a cat", or any other things without thought behind them... I feel like I might get pretty snappy with them. It's tiresome having to hear such inconsiderate things. But I haven't had that happen to me here, so I feel at ease. This site is wonderful for grieving pet parents. Everyone on here is so accepting, loving, and quick to offer advice or consolation. It feels nice having access to something like this. Especially during this whole pandemic... 


Anyways, I guess I should stop rambling on and on. I have to thank you again for hearing out my problems and offering me your words. I saw your comment about your cat, Nile... I hope nothing but good comes to him. And to you, too. 
Dream little one! You can run and jump and climb again! For always! Dream little one, and I will dream with you.
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Monroegirl
So sorry for your loss of your beloved kitty. Your words were very beautiful and you can tell that you were such a loving mommy to her. 
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Peach


Peach, I can't thank you enough for your continued support on my posts. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing people have experienced and are experiencing what I'm going through right now. I have no idea if Cupcake was infected from birth, from her brother who passed years ago (he had a mysterious illness, but to be honest, I would chock his symptoms up to be symptoms of FeLV.), or from my recently parted kitten who also had the same illness. I'll never know. I'm starting to think she might have developed cancer before she even exhibited symptoms of FeLV. She lost so much weight even before she was sick. I guess I'm just repeating myself, but I'll say it again anyways: I really don't understand why such a sickness exists. I hope in several years there will be an affordable treatment or cure for FeLV. No parent of a pet should have to endure the agonizing pain of watching their cat deteriorate. 

As for what I said about my feelings... It takes a lot for me to convince myself I'm allowed to feel this way. No one in my family is really all that nurturing or supportive when it comes to these things. Well, except for my mother. But my brother and father can be pretty inconsiderate... and I wish they understood my pain. Especially my father. A week ago my father told me not to cry when Cupcake passes... but how can I stop myself from doing that? I can't just suck it up. I never will be able to just "suck it up". I don't understand why some people think bottling up your feelings and never facing them in a healthy way is the more brave way to go about things. It isn't. It seems cowardly compared to reaching out to loved ones and letting yourself cry. In fact, I feel like bottling things up adds on to the trauma you experience. It makes you feel bad for not properly mourning them when the time was right... At least that's how I feel. If people try telling me "it's just a cat", or any other things without thought behind them... I feel like I might get pretty snappy with them. It's tiresome having to hear such inconsiderate things. But I haven't had that happen to me here, so I feel at ease. This site is wonderful for grieving pet parents. Everyone on here is so accepting, loving, and quick to offer advice or consolation. It feels nice having access to something like this. Especially during this whole pandemic... 


Anyways, I guess I should stop rambling on and on. I have to thank you again for hearing out my problems and offering me your words. I saw your comment about your cat, Nile... I hope nothing but good comes to him. And to you, too. 

Thank you so much for thinking of Nile. He hasn't been eating much, but I think he's slowly returning to his normal little self. I'm paranoid, I've been thinking of taking him in for a check up just because. 
I admit I felt a bit drawn to your story because it sounds like Cupcake and Sphinx had a lot in common. Sphinx didn't like being held either, she would tolerate it but it made her uncomfortable. I found her on the street and took her in. After an exam at the vet I was told that she had a fractured hip that was not caused by a car, it was done by a person intentionally. I'm guessing someone picked her up and kicked her, and that was why she didn't like being held. But she loved to be cuddled, especially in bed, and loved getting belly rubs! I miss giving her belly rubs... 
The only family member I have left is my brother, and he hasn't been supportive at all. He just doesn't understand. He doesn't have pets and doesn't get why people would want them.  I feel sorry for him, he's missing out!!! But I try not to judge because I don't understand how you can NOT want animals in your life. They're amazing. 
This pandemic... wow... My other girl Cleo passed from kidney failure on March 2 of this year. And I remember (despite my grief) feeling grateful that it had happened prior to everything shutting down and the "curbside" services at veterinarians. I never imagined I would lose Sphinx only 2 and a half months later. I took it for granted that she would live to be 18, just like Cleo and Beck did. I will never make that mistake again. Always be prepared for anything. 

I hope you're feeling at least a little better. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside isn't healthy at all, especially since you've recently lost another not too long ago as well. These things get layered and confusing on top of being overwhelming. Lately I've been wondering if I made some bad decisions with Beck (I feel I waited too long to let him go). But I only give myself a few minutes before bed to think about it, I can't change the mistakes I've made, I can only learn from them and make better going forward. 

Take care!
“Until one has loved an animal, a part of ones soul remains unawakened” ~ Anatole France
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summerinosaka
Monroegirl wrote:
So sorry for your loss of your beloved kitty. Your words were very beautiful and you can tell that you were such a loving mommy to her. 
 

Thank you for your kind words. It's always nice to have reassurance about whether or not you were a good pet owner... 
Wishing the best for you. 
Dream little one! You can run and jump and climb again! For always! Dream little one, and I will dream with you.
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summerinosaka
Peach wrote:

Thank you so much for thinking of Nile. He hasn't been eating much, but I think he's slowly returning to his normal little self. I'm paranoid, I've been thinking of taking him in for a check up just because. 
I admit I felt a bit drawn to your story because it sounds like Cupcake and Sphinx had a lot in common. Sphinx didn't like being held either, she would tolerate it but it made her uncomfortable. I found her on the street and took her in. After an exam at the vet I was told that she had a fractured hip that was not caused by a car, it was done by a person intentionally. I'm guessing someone picked her up and kicked her, and that was why she didn't like being held. But she loved to be cuddled, especially in bed, and loved getting belly rubs! I miss giving her belly rubs... 
The only family member I have left is my brother, and he hasn't been supportive at all. He just doesn't understand. He doesn't have pets and doesn't get why people would want them.  I feel sorry for him, he's missing out!!! But I try not to judge because I don't understand how you can NOT want animals in your life. They're amazing. 
This pandemic... wow... My other girl Cleo passed from kidney failure on March 2 of this year. And I remember (despite my grief) feeling grateful that it had happened prior to everything shutting down and the "curbside" services at veterinarians. I never imagined I would lose Sphinx only 2 and a half months later. I took it for granted that she would live to be 18, just like Cleo and Beck did. I will never make that mistake again. Always be prepared for anything. 

I hope you're feeling at least a little better. Keeping your feelings bottled up inside isn't healthy at all, especially since you've recently lost another not too long ago as well. These things get layered and confusing on top of being overwhelming. Lately I've been wondering if I made some bad decisions with Beck (I feel I waited too long to let him go). But I only give myself a few minutes before bed to think about it, I can't change the mistakes I've made, I can only learn from them and make better going forward. 

Take care!



I think it would be best to take him for a checkup if you ever get the time. If you're not sure he's been eating enough, you could always boil/bake some chicken and blend it into a paste with a blender or a food processor; adding a bit of chicken broth or water to give it a nice consistency. I did that for Cupcake when she wasn't eating... I also did it for one of my cats who was sick from a UTI and refused to eat. It helped a lot. I had to force feed them, but it wasn't that big of an issue. Cupcake gained at least a pound. 

It was so wonderful of you to take Sphinx in and care for her. It's always so upsetting to think about how people deliberately injure animals and leave them to die. How could anyone do that? Their lives are just as important as yours is... And to think of them as lower than yourself is just plain wrong. But when there's bad in this world, there's always good in this world, too. Thank you for taking Sphinx into your heart and caring for her. 

My mother found Cupcake in June of 2015. My dad has just been deployed to South Korea. I remember it pretty clearly.  My mom took such good care of her... and nurtured her and her siblings back to good health. I remember they had such crusty eyes, and had ticks/fleas... but my mom had the patience to care for them. I have to give her a lot of credit for that. If she had not taken those poor babies in, I would have never had Cupcake. It's sad thinking about her siblings. She outlived them all by a lot. Most of them succumbed to sickness... and their mother disappeared.  

But we did what we could for them. And that matters a lot.

Speaking of curbside vet appointments... Oh goodness, are they frustrating. I understand the need to prevent the spread of coronavirus, but it was upsetting taking my sickly kitten to the vet and not even being able to console her while they cared for her. They said she did pretty well, but I feel like she still might've been scared. Cupcake's appointment last week was thankfully inside the vet's office... My mother was in there with her the entire time. I have to thank god that that vet even took Cupcake in. I called so many places, and they simply referred me to a MedVet. I understand that's all they could do, since they were all booked up, but...Both my mother and father were working that day and my mom needed sleep(She's a third shift nurse). The closest MedVet is an hour away and emergency vets are so costly anyways. I never imagined I'd lose Cupcake just a month after Dumpling passing, too... It's so unfortunate. 

I'm doing a lot better than I was when Dumpling passed. I cried so much I became dehydrated and was glued to my bed for at least a week. I guess I'm not as sad as I was when Dumpling died because I've had people console me properly. I remember when I was told Dumpling had FeLV by my vet, my father screamed at me until I cried. He blamed me and said all of the other cats were going to die... Rather than telling me it was going to be okay and that we'd do what we could for the cat. It's stuck to me. He can be such a jerk. With Cupcake, my mother was gentle and sweet about it. Understanding, too. She was proud of me for doing all that I did to care for Cupcake... I only slept for about 2-3 hours every day for the entire week she was sick. 


It pains me to think that people believe having a pet is dumb. It's so wonderful having such a beautiful creature in your life. Pets don't care what you look like, what your opinions are, or whatever the heck you do. They love you unconditionally and feel no shame showing you that they do. I wish your brother understood how important they can really be... It may never happen, but I hope he can accept a pet into his life and feel the love they have to give and grow to understand how good they are. 


I'll always wish for the best for you and your babies. If Nile still isn't eating much, you could always message me and I could help you out with some tips on how to get extra calories into kitties. It didn't really cost too much to get those things and they helped a lot. Good luck, and be good to yourself. 
Dream little one! You can run and jump and climb again! For always! Dream little one, and I will dream with you.
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summerinosaka
Cupcake, mommy still misses you so... Yesterday I spoke to grandma about you. I spoke of my regrets, my pains, and my fond memories of you. I remembered how you loved red bean paste... The kind that came from the daifuku mochi I would always get from the Asian market. I wish I could give you a little bit right now. You would probably love that. I remember eating in my room sometimes, and watching you cry and beg for the food despite not knowing what I was eating. It was cute. I remember having a small McDonald's burger around you and you got so gutsy that you stole the bun and retreated under the bed... You'd mew into my ear a lot and and burrow yourself under my blanket to feel closer to me. You liked ice cream and you liked to watch shows with mommy on her TV. You loved mommy's bed the most out of any other place you could sleep in my room. You'd cry a lot whenever I left my room... You had pretty bad separation anxiety. 

You would shove your paw on my face and get pretty sore with me whenever I'd have to move you around to get comfy on the bed. You were sassy, and would act like a devil sometimes... But I loved that. 

The nights are agonizing without you. My room feels empty and I haven't been sleeping much. It's hollowing climbing into bed and knowing you'll never climb in there with me and cling to my arm... Or meep at me for attention, and purr your heart out when I would pet you. You'd knead me often and let me know how much you loved me. 

I loved your meows so much... I only have a few recordings of them. You would always meow on command, which was so silly. I could say "Meep" and you would follow it with a cute mew. You were really smart. You consoled me a lot after Dumpling's passing... Even if you were only with me for a little while longer. It hurts a lot, baby. It hurts knowing I'll never stroke your head and feel your sweetness again. The photos offer a little bit of consolation... But no matter how many photos I have, they will never get rid of the feeling of emptiness I have knowing you're not here with me. 


I had a nightmare about you... I don't understand why our brains love to torment us about these things. It was awful waking up and recollecting it.  
I cried while making my tea this morning. I think I'm going to cry plenty... and that's okay. I loved you a lot... and I still love you. I feel like with loved ones passing, the more you loved them, the more it hurts knowing they're gone. 

It always surprises me how easily we can lose loved ones. You always seem to forget about it until it happens to you. It pains me a lot knowing life can be so fragile. How a bout of sickness can bring the death of someone. It never makes sense. It never will. All I can hope is that, with your passing, you're relaxing in the kingdom of Heaven and feeling no pain. Please wait for me. 


I cherish you a lot, angel. I love you. You'll always be in my heart and you'll always be on my mind... I can't wait until the time comes that I can see you again. 
Dream little one! You can run and jump and climb again! For always! Dream little one, and I will dream with you.
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