MochaMommy
On Monday, my partner and I had to put our 3 year old pittie, Mocha Maria, to sleep. She had a congenital kidney disease that she never really showed any signs of. We took her to the vet on the 25th because she had started to throw up that morning and the previous week she had seemed a little off to us. Her dr said that she would never have known by her wonderful attitude that she was in kidney failure if they hadn't run bloodwork.
It's so hard because I feel like my child has died. She was the center of our world and it was so deserved because she was such a joy to be around. We adopted her 2 years ago from a high kill shelter where she had been rescued out of a puppy mill. We actually went for a cat but I wondered into the dog area and found her shaking in the back of her kennel and my partner looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said "This is the one, baby." We knew from the minute we met her that she belonged with us. I used to tell everyone that she was an ambassador for the whole pit bull breed. She was so loving and sweet with everybody she met, human and animal. Our roommate has a dog and kittens and she just adored them and was always so gentle and loving with the kittens. The one thing I loved about her was even though she was so affectionate, she never had that dopey personality. She was so smart and she could have such an attitude and she always had a way of just communicating with us, when she looked at you, you knew exactly what she was thinking.
Her doctors were amazed by her, they couldn't believe that she showed so little signs of renal failure and acted so happy and excited to see them. We rushed her to the ER early Sunday morning because she had a little bit of blood in her iris and it turned out that her blood pressure was extremely high. Her ER doctor said in 17 years he'd only seen a blood pressure that high 5 times and none of them walked like she did. And when he tried to flush her kidneys and she started retaining the fluid, he was amazed by her because she somehow managed to retain it everywhere but her lungs. But eventually she ran out of room and she stopped urinating pretty much completely and the only place left for it to go was her lungs and we just couldn't do that to her. Her ER vet said the reason he fought so hard was because she fought so hard and he saw in her an unusual will to live like he'd never seen before and that she defied all conventional wisdom. Her primary Doctor went out of town on vacation and she texted and called us the whole time because she loved her so much. And when we texted her to let her know what happened, she just texted us back and said how sorry she was and how she hated that it happened to such a sweet dog like her. She said "She was such a fighter."
It's so hard because I loved her so much and on top of the grief of losing a loved one, I'm grieving all of the memories we will never make together because she was so young. We were gonna fence the yard in for her and take her to the beach, we were gonna have a child and she was gonna be their best friend. And now that's all gone and what am I going to do. How will I ever live without her?
And then I think I wish I would have let her stay outside longer when she had to potty because she loved just sitting outside. I wish I would have played with her more and took her on longer walks more. I wish I would have held her closer and cuddled her harder more. Did I push her too hard to get better and make her suffer? Did I give up to easy and would she have been that 1% miracle? I mean, she had been my miracle since day 1, if anyone could have done it, it would have been her. How am I ever going to get used to talking about her in past tense?
Has anybody had any spiritual experiences with their pets? I'm not very religious or spiritual but I can't believe that this is it. She was such a kind and gentle soul. She has to be somewhere as special as her, right?
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jimmy17
I am so, so sorry, what a beautiful girl, and much too young.  It sounds like she had such a strong will to live, and I know how hard it is for you knowing that you didn`t  get to make more memories with this special little soul.  The only comforting thing I can offer is that you rescued her and gave her a wonderful 2 years of life which she may never have had - though I know that`s not much comfort right now for you. 
 I think we all here wish that we had maybe done things differently - I know I did with my dog who I lost 8 months ago. Like you, I also used to think I should have cuddled him more, played more with him, and I thought maybe I let him go on too long, or should I have let him go sooner.   Looking back I know I gave my dog all the love and care he could ever have wished for - just like you did for your girl, and we all tend to second guess if we let them go too soon or too early. 
 I have had a lot of signs from my dog - smells, sounds etc, but the main one was 5 days after losing him, I was in our back garden quite late at night, crying and asking for my late dad to send me a sign that Jim was ok when I noticed a white ball gently floating across the top of our back fence. It just drifted from one side right across to the other until it disappeared from view. I`ve since been told it was an "orb " but whatever it was it gave me an incredible sense of peace, and I like to think it was my dad coming for Jims soul. 
  Once again, I`m so sorry, I found this forum the day after losing Jim, and it helped me so much - just know everyone here knows exactly how you feel right now, and you are not alone.  Take care,

                                                                          Hugs,  Jackie
J Taylor
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MochaMommy
Jackie,
She was so beautiful. She was so kind and gentle and yet so fun and spunky.
I hope I see and feel her like you did with your sweet baby. I'm so afraid that I'm too stubborn and I'll miss the signs even though I'm trying so hard to. The last couple of days when I close my eyes sometimes I'll see pictures of her ever so briefly and they don't look like any pictures I've ever seen. One of the pictures she was still sick in, but all of the other 4 or 5 she either seemed very happy or very content. I don't know if that means anything or I'm just seeing snapshots of my memories of her. I hope it's her and I hope she's OK. I know that other people understand this feeling of complete and utter despair. How have you gotten through it? How do you get to the point where you see their pictures and don't just completely fall apart? I know it's too soon to say, but I'm afraid I'll never get to the point where I can look at her pictures and feel the warmth of her memories. Does that happen?
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MochaMommy
I just want her back so bad. Part of me doesn't want to get to that point. I just want my baby at home in bed, sleeping at my feet or spooning with me in the bed. Why can't I just have that back? Why did she have to go so soon? I just don't understand.
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jimmy17
Hi, yes you will get to that point when you can look at her pics - and even smile at some of the funny memories you made with her.  But it takes time - even now I can look at certain photos of my dog and it can start the tears again.   I`ve read that sometimes when our grief is so strong, its hard for them to "connect" to us, but just keep looking and listening. My husband ( who was such a sceptic), heard Jim walking on our wooden floor, and we both smelt his special little doggy smell so often during the first couple of months - we still get that smell occasionly. 
 I think I got through it by just trying to remember the great life we shared with him, we loved and cared for him like a baby as we never had kids - but I won`t lie to you, it really is hard trying to adjust to life without them.  Coming here helped me so much too - just knowing that there are others out there who all feel the special bond we have with our babies, and that the total despair you feel right now is "normal".   I understand totally when you say that part of you doesn`t want to get to that point of acceptance - you just need your lovely girl back with you where she belongs.  I remember feeling like that, and I was so scared that he was just going further and further into the past - but that really doesn`t happen - she`s a part of your life and always will be, and she`ll forever live on in your heart.   I also started writing a journal, every memory went in, plus even now I sometimes write to Jim, letting him now how much we still miss him and what we`ve been doing.  
 I`ve just shown my husband your pics, and he said what a beautiful and contented looking girl Maria was.  I`m sure she`ll be running free over the Bridge alongside my Jim. just waiting until we`ll be reunited with them again one day.  Take care, and keep posting here - it really helps.

                                                                                         Hugs to you,
                                                                                              Jackie
 

J Taylor
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