RubysMom93 Show full post »
RubysMom93
Jen,
Awww Lennon looks like he was just a big mush, what a sweet boy. You can tell from the photo that there was a special bond between you. It is so hard to feel like you betrayed someone so sweet and so good to you, I know. I feel very similarly in that respect but I swear I feel that my Ruby knew what was coming which makes me feel even worse. She seemed to get more and more anxious the closer we got to the vets office that day and I don’t feel that it was peaceful for her at all which really hurts me. When we were at the vet. He gave her a sedation shot to try before the lethal injection. I don’t want to relive those moments that will haunt me forever but she jumped up as soon as he gave it to her on the legs that were hard for her to use. She wanted to leave and I should have taken her home at that moment. My chest literally hurts as I write this, like a heart ache. I feel that my girl felt betrayed by me at the end and I wish I could take it back. I know that she was suffering but I truly wish I would have found another way to end that for her. It was not until after the fact that I learned about in home euthanasia. That would have been a much better route for her and this will forever haunt me. I’m glad for you that Lennon had a peaceful passing. It doesn’t take the pain away but I don’t think you betrayed him by ending his suffering and I don’t think he felt betrayed by you. He payed with him and comforted him as he slipped away peacefully. It sounds to me like he felt the way you loved him till his very last breath. I hope you take some comfort in that. I don’t have any other pets and I don’t plan to get any. My cat Smokey who I bought when I was a teenager and still lived with my parents passed away about a week after my Ruby. She would have been 18 years old this month. They passed under very different circumstances. She died much more peacefully at home from natural causes. My relationship with her wasn’t as strong as the one I shared with my Ruby but I miss her also and her passing has been painful as well. I love my fur babies like crazy but the pain that comes from losing them is just too much for me to go through again. I don’t discount all the joy Ruby brought me over the 11 1/2 years I had her. She was a huge and amazing part of my life but I never want to feel this way again. I thankfully have two insane boys to keep me busy for now. I really hope you take some peace in knowing that Lennon felt your love till the last minute and I really believe that it was good that he didn’t expect or know what was coming. I don’t think you betrayed him and I don’t think he felt or feels that you did either. ❤️
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RubysMom93
Zinnia,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Harmony. It’s so hard, and what you said is so true. That damn cancer always seems to win! Many years ago I suffered the loss of my ferret Romeo who also meant the world to me. A lot of people don’t understand that but he was just an amazing little character with a ton of personality and I loved him so much. He developed lymphoma and I had the vet operate to remove the tumor. Similarly to the way things went for Harmony, about two weeks after the tumor was removed it returned with a vengeance and there was unfortunately nothing I could do to save him. He was suffering and I had to put him to sleep. However, I took some comfort at the end in knowing that I truly did everything I could for him and you should too. Thank you for sharing your story with me, it does remind me that sometimes no matter what decision we make and which way we decide to try and help them the end is inevitable when it comes to these aggressive types of cancer. I hope they find a cure at some point during our lifetimes.
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Myboylennon1
Rubysmom93 I really appreciate your words there is very few things that give me comfort these days and I hope ur right. Regret is such a horrible emotion one that can eat you up inside. You were with your darling Ruby till the end and I know it didn't go well those final moments but you were thinking of her and only her am sure she would have known that. I expect it was unlikely that Ruby was aware of what was happening but more that she was just unsure what was going on that is why she reacted the way she did but you were there comforting her and she got to see ur face all the time this would have reassured her. I have heard that euthanizia is the hardest way to loose a fur baby and I agree as you are left with a nagging guilt.

I have had dogs all my life and was present at my childhood dogs death Tina she lost the ability to walk. I remember it well even tho I was just a teenager and I missed her terribly but the grief I feel for Lennon is something different far more intense and I have never felt grief like this. He was my boy, my big strong boy and so very special to me. It was so awful to see him faiding away at the end, he had started to loose weight and his shiny black fur was so dull and grey from his old age and poor health but he still had a naughty streak as up to the day before his condition deteriorated so drastically he managed to run away and return with a roast beef joint he found in a bin somewhere!

Lennon was always off on an adventure that was his passion in life food, sticks, swimming and long walks. He hated restricted walks as the vet recommended due to his heart being so bad sometimes he would stand on the street refusing to return home as he wanted to walk further sometimes I would let him run around and splash in the water just for short periods because I knew he loved to so much and I knew that the short walks were no fun for him.

How much time did you and Ruby have after she was diagnosed? I had 5 months with Lennon the vet said 6-12 Months so it came as a shock that he didn't even reach the 6 month stage. Please try to forgive yourself it will be the only way you can move forward it sounds like you and Ruby had an amazing bond and there's no way she would want you suffering like this.

How r ur kids holding up? I have 2 kids also age 4 and 2 years my eldest one has been more affected than my youngest who doesn't seem too phased.

I think ahead with dread to what lies in front of me with Chloe she is 10 years old in January I feel sick to think this will probably happen again I just hope that she will not be inflicted with a horrible life shortening condition such as congestive heart failure or cancer. There are so many things that can go wrong with them I totally get that u don't want another dog as loosing them is heart breaking. I read on a website about a man who's black labrador died of CHF like Lennon but naturally as he was unable to get him to the vet and he described the experience as being horrific and he felt totally helpless as his dog died he said he wished he could have had the option to end the suffering as we did. We spared our beautiful doggies from this agony even though it meant throwing ourselves into the depths of despair but this is how much we loved them try to keep this in ur mind.

Jen
J mclean
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RubysMom93
Jen,
Lennon sounds like he was such a character! Although loss is never easy and it’s inevotable for all of us, watching someone you love suffer just makes losing them that much harder. I pray for your little Cloe. I lost Ruby very quickly unfortunately. I found out she has bone cancer in early March and the end came in late May. Another thing I really regret. When I initially spoke with my vet/ uncle about radiation he told me that it wouldn’t save her. It could give her a little more time but that she’d also be more susceptible to fracturing her leg due to the radiation and the bone sampling needed to start the radiation weakening the bone. I also met with an oncologist who told me that I’d likely have about 10 weeks with her if I didn’t do radiation. He ended up being spot on unfortunately. He thought the radiation would be a good idea. He also told me it wouldn’t cure her but that it could extend the quality time I’d have with her. Origininally I felt strongly about not putting her through all types of hell just to have a little more time with her. She’d always been so scared of the vet, that I just didn’t want to put her though it. I was also scared that she’d fracture her leg. I also read these miracle stories about people who’s dogs survived for years after being diagnosed with osteocarma. They used very extreme homeopathic regimens. I put all my hope in going that route. I ordered tons of supplements and Chinese herbs. I also started Ruby on a special diet to help inhibit the spreading of the cancer. I really thought if I followed what some of those people had done that I’d have a miracle story of my own. Things seemed to be going well for the first month but then they started to go down hill. I had second thoughts about the radiation and decided that I wanted to do it. I called the oncologist I’d met with and asked if he could find a doctor for me who’s be willing to do radiation treatments without a biopsy. He did and I made an appointment. Ruby’s breathing seemed to be a little off by that point so I decided to go to my uncle for an x-ray to make sure it hadn’t metastized before putting Ruby through the radiation. The x-ray showed that there were quite a few large nodules in her lungs already. I canceled the appointment and knew the end was near at that point. I wish I had done the radiation at the beginning but at that point I stopped giving her the tons of supplements I’d been shoving down her throat every day, stopped the special diet and just spoiled the hell out of her for the next few days with steaks and ice cream and whatever else she wanted.
My kids are holding up pretty well thankfully. I have two boys, 8 and 10. They were really sad when we found out about the cancer. They were with me at my uncles office when we got the horrible news. I really thought she just had a sprain or something like that or I wouldn’t have even had them come. We all cried the whole way home because it was made clear from the beginning that the disease would kill her. They weren’t around the weekend I put her to sleep and I’m glad they weren’t. I think they mentally prepared themselves from the time of diagnosis to the time we had to say goodbye. My little one still cries now and then. He said she was his best friend and it just breaks my heart. She was there through so much with us and from the time they were born she was there protecting them and loving them. Yesterday was 2 months since I said goodbye on May 26th. I’ve missed her every day since and will continue to.
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Myboylennon1
Rubysmom sorry I dont know ur name but having read the choices you made I honestly don't think that you made any wrong decisions like me you opted for the kindest route of treatment which would have the least amount of distress for your Ruby. We were both told that further investigations would not give a cure and decided to make the last months/weeks for our lovely fur babies as pleasant as possible because even though they weren't aware we knew what was coming next.

Lennon was treated for his congestive heart failure with medication which was increased through time and other drugs added in to help him but his heart was beating so fast at the end and his pulse was so weak that his heart was having to pump extra hard to circulate the blood around his body that I knew he couldnt possibly be feeling well at all.

I think back about the discussions with the vet in January about the seeing the heart specialist and I was told that other than the treatment already given with the exception of one type of medication that they weren't able to prescribe that the course of treatment would be the same along with the enviable outcome but I keep thinking about that one other medication and wondered what else this could have done if anything?

I did extensive research and the meds Lennon was on was appropriate for his condition and everywhere I read was people saying that congestive heart failure cannot be cured but it doesn't stop you wondering does it.

I really think that you put your heart and sole into finding the best possible treatment for Ruby without causing her any additional distress. If I had been in your position I would have taken my uncles advice too as a trained vet he would have known best even though you are now left with nagging doubts but I think this is natural and part of the grief process. I too listened to everyone else and went along with what everyone else thought I should and shouldnt do but am starting to think what if we had both ignored everyone and went ahead with the treatment how would we feel now? Would we still have Ruby and Lennon with us now? I just don't know the answer to that question we will never know?

The treatment for Ruby like you said was a course of radiation which would have made her feel awful I expect and for Lennon further scans and more medication which he hated taking. This summer in the UK we are having the hottest summer in years it been this way for weeks and actually the heat wave started the day Lennon died. I keep thinking about this and how much he would be struggling through this heat with his heart. I didn't want to loose him but I also didn't want him to suffer either, it's such a mixture of emotions.

I got a hair clipping from Lennon before he was cremated and last night for the first time I opened the sealed bag just slightly and his smell was there I just wished I could hold him again and smell his doggy smell. I still can't believe I'll never see him again sometimes it feels like it's not real and that he's actually just outside in the garden.

Try not to be hard on urself about the decisions you made I can see these were entirely for Ruby's best interests.

Jen
J mclean
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RubysMom93
Dear Jen,
Last weekend was really wonderful for me. I got engaged and I was really happy for the 1st time since I lost my girl. I’ve been trying to suppress my feelings over Ruby being gone but here I am at 5am hysterically crying to myself. I’ve read what you wrote over and over again. I feel that you did right by Lennon and I know I tried to do right by Ruby. I just miss her a lot and it’s really hard dealing with the fact that I’ll never see that sweet face again. I struggle with some of the decisions I made and the way it ended whether it be right or wrong. Like you said, who really knows? Thank you for all of your words and sharing your story with me. I am always here for you too ❤️

Alexandra
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Myboylennon1
Congratulations Alexandra life moves on even though such sadness and sometimes there are moments of happiness this is a good thing. Ruby wouldn't have wanted you to be sad. Am having a few days holiday in the country to try and cheer everyone up in the family we are having a nice time but it's very strange this is the first holiday without Lennon it seems a bit wrong but we are here anyway.

Take care.

Jen
J mclean
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RubysMom93
Thank you Jen! Awww that’s a sweet picture. I hope you guys have a great time away! Enjoy :)
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camunki
I am so sorry for the loss of your Ruby, and what beautiful pics you have posted of her? is she a Pit bull? And you did all the right things, at the time, for your Ruby....again when dogs have cancer or illnesses there is no way of knowing if any type of radiation or treatment will or will not work, and from what you write, you did your best for your girl.

I lost my Munki and Daizy in 2015 due to the dreaded cancer that had metastasized, but this was too late it went to their internal organs.......however, they had cancer in the past and with homeopathic treatments, I had 4 1/2 years of quality life with Munki after her tumor was removed...........and 29 months with Daizy after hers was removed........and I think we do our best for our pets, at the time....to give them the best life ever.

I know this path you are on is a long hard road, filled with many meltdowns and just sad times.....I sure hope you do get a "dream/visit" from your Ruby..........I know I have, many of times and it brings a smile to my face.

Please know you are not alone on this journey and my heart goes out to you....and Congrats on your engagement!!!!

Cam


 
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RubysMom93
Dear Camunki,
Thank you for your well wishes and kind words. I greatly appreciate your support and your story that you shared with me. Ruby was a Staffordahire Terrior/ Pit Bull. She was the first one I had and my first dog as an adult and what an amazing girl. I’ve never seen a smarter dog more caring dog. I’d always say she was basically human. I miss her sooo incredibly much and it has been extremely difficult to deal with. Like you said, many melt downs. Some days I feel sad and miss her but okay and then I go through a period of some really rough days. I’m glad that the homeopathic treatments were so successful for your babies. That’s amazing that you were able to have so much time with them after their diagnosis’s. What type of dogs were they?
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camunki
My recent loss was Jemma, she was a Rotti.......and in 2015 I lost both Munki and Daizy, they were Chinese Shar pei's...................

I did adopt a PitBull, named Rosalyn, about 3 months after Munki went to heaven, and to have another sibling for Jemma, unfortunately I lost Jemma eight months after adopting Rosalyn, Jemma was 11 years 5 months old and I am thankful for having her that long, since Rotti's life expectency is only 8 to 10 years. We all want our pets longer.

Yes, cancer is tricky, sometimes we can catch remove tumors sometimes not, and depending on how aggresive the cancer is also. Alot is out of our control, however, within our control too with giving them the best food and meds we can for our babies.

And your Ruby is a beautiful girl, love that face!!! 

Sending you warm (((hugs))) and as much peace as possible on this path we call grieving.

Cam


 
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RubysMom93
Dear Camunki,
Thank you. I miss that face and her puppy dog eyes every day. Not only was she beautiful she was sooo smart and had a beautiful soul, an amazingly sweet and loving girl. Sending hugs back your way. I’m sorry about your sweet Jemma and hope your girl, Rosalyn brings you some comfort.
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