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catiebee

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Reply with quote  #31 
Jessica, all the photos you have posted of Brownie are so endearing! He looks just full to the brim of personality and he has such a sweet look. It is wonderful that you rescued this precious boy.

I hope things are going along as well as possible for you these days and that you're finding grace to get through the pain. 

I know the grief lasts a long time and is hard to cope with when it's at high tide. And some days the waves are just so strong, especially in the early weeks, which you are still enduring. 

It's good work you are doing as you keep writing here. I really do believe tears help heal and that expressing our hearts about the losses and feeling heard by people who understand can help.

Thank you for your kind words to me earlier today. I didn't mean to miss you when I tried to "make the rounds" this afternoon. 

Holiday season isn't the same at all this year for any of us here. My heart goes out to you and I wish you much, much comfort. Hugs to you, Jess!

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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #32 
Hi Brownie
I am so missing you today! The last couple days have been hard. I try to stay positive, but deep down in my soul I yearn for you! I miss that little side eye look you give me when I promise to be right back oh you hated me leaving you any time at all. But the happiness and joy when I'd walk in was all over you. Your loving circles of happiness and your uppys.i miss so dearly! How can I ever really move on When I think I have, it just starts back over again
The days are better than last month but I know my heartache will never really stop aching for you. Sometimes it's hard to cry, so I go in the bathroom. I hold my hand out hoping I'd touch you like before when you would follow me in there..I'm still angry about the circumstances leading up to that day! I pray every night to God to help ease the pain. You were my child, in every way. You always came first, even before me. Christmas is looking bleak knowing you won't be there, I wish it was already over. It's been 3 months and it feels like yesterday, I just want you back honey. I just want to wake up and see you and feel happy. All the prayers that have been answered , has helped, but I still miss you the same. I guess I always will. That's how much of an impact you made in my life. Days are quiet and empty. I have no attention span at times. I feel discombobulated and lonely without you! I think about getting another friend, but I don't know cuz I feel guilty thinking about it. I want to make sure I have grieved fully for you. Maybe after the Holidays I'll get the nerve to go walk and give company and love t the lonely ones at the shelter. I've wanted too, but my heart wasn't ready, so I didn't. Please see my light in the window lit for you and Sissy, Bean and Buffy. Come all of you and visit. We all are missing all of you! Brownie I love you so deeply and I know you know this, so be brave for Mama. The Lord will shelter you until i get there. In the meantime, be the light on my path as you were when you were here. You are dearly missed and always loved. Nothing will ever stop me from loving and missing you. I never forget you my boy, that's impossible.
Love always your one and only loving Mama

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #33 
What beautiful heartfelt words to Brownie. Why must we outlive our fur children? It seems barbaric at times :(  the hurt we have to go through. What a good boy Brownie was. I think he and Scooter would have been great friends! They sound like two peas in a pod.
It is wise to grieve fully first.  For me, playing with a friend's dog sometimes helps, but once in a while, makes me miss Scooter more. You will find what's right for you.
Sending hugs.

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MyBella

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Reply with quote  #34 
Dear Jessica,

A beautiful message to your handsome Brownie, the love you have for him leaps off these pages.
I am glad to read that you are focusing on being positive and that you have noticed the days are getting better compared to last month. Baby steps is the best we can do during this most difficult time, but how each baby step is such a huge accomplishment, you should be very proud of yourself Jessica, this isn't an easy journey at all, but to be able to notice improvements is such a beautiful thing.

Thank you so much for your touching posts, and especially your friendship, I truly appreciate you taking the time to write to us, thank you Jessica.

I send my warmest wishes for your heart to always know and feel the love that your handsome Brownie continues to surround you with, may you feel the soft touch of his gentle paws and loving spirit each and every day.

Your friend always, Don
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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #35 
MERRY CHRISTMAS DON AND VERA!
    
   THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HEARTFELT WORDS THROUGH MY LOSS OF MY BOY BROWNIE! HERE,  WITHOUT ALL OF YOU. I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE COME THIS FAR. I HOPE THE MEMORIES OF YOUR SWEET BELLA ARE WITH YOU THIS DAY, GOD KNOWS WE ALL WOULD LIKE OUR BABIES TO BE HERE NOW, BUT HE WILL SHELTER THEM UNTIL WE GET THERE! WE ALL LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY TO SEE THEIR SWEET LITTLE FACES AGAIN!
                                             
SINCERLEY,  JESSICA AND BROWNIE

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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #36 
MERRY CHRISTMAS BROWNIE
I MISS YOU SO MUCH THIS SAD DAY. WE ALL MISS ALL OF YOU LITTLE WASCALS THIS CHRISTMAS. NO LITTLE HAPPY CRIES FOR HUNGIES AND TREATSIES. I MISS YOU STANDING BY THE OVEN WAITING FOR THAT TURKEY TO COME OUT BROWNIE! LAST YEAR WHEN YOU WERE CRUMB SEARCHING , YOU MUST HAVE FOUND A SMALL PEICE OF GRANDMA'S STUFFING WITH ALL THE SPICE'S AND YOUR GLANDS HAD SWOLLEN. OH I WAS SO SCARED AND FREAKING OUT THAT DAY!  THAT THOUGHT OF YOU ALONE, SENT ME SPIRALING DOWN YESTERDAY, JUST THINKING OF YOU BROWNIE! I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH HONEY! IT'S JUST SO SAD WITHOUT YOU  HERE.I MISS YOU BEING HERE WHEN I WAKE, NOW I HAVE NO SMILE ON MY FACE! I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER WILL BE FULLY HAPPY WITHOUT YOU, BROWNIE! SO I KEEP YOU WARM IN MY  HEART, AND YOUR  MEMORIES FRESH. UNTIL THE DAY THE LORD BRINGS US ALL TOGETHER AGAIN!
LOOK FOR THE CANDLE I PLACED IN MY WINDOW FOR YOU BROWNIE, COME VISIT MAMA, GOD KNOWS I NEED THAT VISIT FROM YOU! A FRESH VISION OF THE FUTURE WITH YOU AND ALL OF MY LOVED ONES.
 MERRY CHRISTMAS BROWNIE, I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS
KISS KISS'S TURKEY TREATSIES WILL BE PUT OUT FOR YOU LATER HONEY, REMEMBER TO SHARE MY GOOD BOY. GRANDMA AND SOPHIA SAY'S THEY LOVE AND MISS THEIR LIL CRUMBLY BOY!
LUV ALWAYS,MAMA

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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #37 
My Boy
Mama misses you so much Brownie! This pain will never go away. You will always be on my mind and in my heart honey! So many changes since you left me, and it's makes me much saddened without you by my side my Boy! I hope you will come visit me, soon! I need a fresh vision to start my New Year with positive vibes! I always have a candle in my window and I'm waiting for you. I haven't felt you since I've moved and it's hurting my heart! I painted the old house with Grandma and said o loved you there by the heart tree. To follow us to our new home! I miss you Brownie, please guide my way and shine bright on my new path this year!
Always my love and light! My Boy Brownie, Mama loves you very dearly.

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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #38 
Oh my Boy, the days are long and the night are loved g. Love g and sad without you! I wish you were here, to start the new year with me! I'm sorry Brownie, o love you so much
I do, Mama is trying so hard to move forward and just put my trust in the Lord and know things will be ok! I will get there honey! O just want you to know how much miss you in my life, the things I took for granted with you! I can't change that mow, I can only hope you loved me for all I did do,beeping you as safe as possible was always first! This just come out of nowhere, it's mind boggling to try and understand why? Why I didn't see this past your illness ,which I thought it was
Please forgive me Brownie. I love you so very much my Boy. You are always in my heart and on mind. Please see my candle and come visit me, kiss kiss!

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Tankie12

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Reply with quote  #39 
Jessica he knew how much you loved him, never doubt that. I can see it in his eyes and feel it in your words, hugs,,,,,
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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #40 
Jessica it is so hard to wonder why we didn't or couldn't see this coming. Try not to think that way (and I will also try not to) Your brownie reminds me so much of Scooter it's unreal. I know there is a real struggle with spiritual faith...knowing we will see our dogs again when we pass, but still having to deal with the reality here while we are alive, is difficult. Know that God understands our pain and many on this thread do too. Hugs and prayers to you.
- Melissa

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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #41 
  LYNN and MELISSA, Thank you for your kind word's! Its time I get back here like I used too, where I find real comfort knowing I can be understood, and help others to cope with their losses, as well! let's face it, not everyone can understand the bond and love we have for our babies! I'm Not letting anyone tell me, or make me think I am grieving to much!  I sit back and think of the more happier times, and my Boy Brownie, was a happy Boy!   But I seem to find myself  Only thinking of the End, and not letting myself think of all the love and happy times we had. Which far outweighs the bad..... I also find myself stuck  in the " GRIEF CYCLE"!!!  We always want the best for a babies! And when thing's happen that are beyond our control, it is very hard to not blame ourselves.  Love is blinding , and sometimes, some thing's   are  not to be seen!  And I'm  learning, maybe it happens this way for the best reason's... Meaning God only put's on us what we can handle, and all of our case's our different!   So For instance for me, I don't know how I would have taken it, if not worse!  If I knew this all along.  Some people are stronger in different area' than others. So I think GOD gives what some would call our Medicine, in the right doses to fit the case!... Does this make sense to you guy's? I am still grieving, and I need not let anyone tell me to get over it!  I slowed it down a bit here, bcuz I thought it was keeping me in the moment.  But I see now!  I truly need to be here, helping others and letting others help me. It is great to have this place, and know I can be comfortable, even when I feel "crazy". Honestly, most heartfelt words and soul's here! I won't take  it for granted, OR LISTEN  others out here in my world, they just don't get it!  I am working on that Garden, and will let you know when that "Pineapple Plant", is planted! The new house sits on a man made lake, or drainage pond, Lol.. I say it like that bcuz the fellow that was showing it made it seem like it was some great lake. Which it is very nice,  But it is a drainage Pond.. Very comforting though, a lot of activity with all sorts of birds. I find comfort looking at, although I wish Brownie was here too enjoy the big yard and to sit out here with me. I have to come to terms that he is not, and wont be. Except for in my heart and memories, which I will keep alive for us! Lynn, I hope you are finding healing  for your Tankie. You know she loves you with her whole heart, and still walks by your side this day!  You truly gave her your very best, don't ever think otherwise. She knew that  you did all you could  for her and loved her with all of your heart!... And remember, as much as we wanted to control the outcome. To help our babies in any way, we did  what we could. And  that we have no control over the outcome, in the end! Only the lord does, and the way he gives his medicine is by the case! He knows our heart's more than we do, and we come to recognize these thing's little by little. Many hugs  Jess                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Melissa, you know your Scooter is walking by your side, and he loves you very much! I hope you are finding healing too!  Scooter and Brownie do have a lot of similar looks, and probably qualities too! I find a smile looking at Scooter, I can see them doing lil circles of happiness right now...Although they are missed so much, we find joy in knowing that we will see them again. Until then, God will shelter them for us.,  Many hugs 
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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #42 
Brownie my Boy, Today is your 4th month mark, and I still am lost without you. My heart will never forget the unconditional love and Loyalty you showed to Mama... We are finally settled in here, but that makes it so much harder as I sit here without honey! I keep you in my prayers and heart everyday and every night! Your loss has left me unsure how to keep pushing forward, or what to even look forward too, anymore. I prayed when you were here to let us move to be comfortable again, and it happened, but it would be without you! Your loss has been like no other, and I don't think I can ever recover fully from losing you Brownie. You were such a great [art of my life and I just don't know how to move on from this. I can only hope the lord answers my prayers about you and gives a fresh vision of us reuniting. I am so waiting patiently, but so frustrated at the same time. I know I have to find peace with a lot stuff my Boy. Step by step, is all I can work towards. Almost minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day! I know how much you loved Mama, I know you did, even through the most scariest and darkest time in my life. I blame myself and feel guilty about Daddy and separating. That it caused you pain and suffering. I'M so sorry if it did, and I'm sorry for being so isolated at times too! But you loved me the same, didn't you! I guess that is why this makes it so much harder. Losing someone that totally trusted , loved, and showed so much loyalty to me.... Why most there be a season for death! I wish their was no death, solos, sorrow, mourning intense feeling of your heart be completely broken by the loss of your best friend, child to me! I love you honey! And you will never part from my heart in this life, until we are reunited again, in Heaven.  There has to be a better life to look forward too, right? God promises this! So I will continue on my path with him, drawing closer to him, and eventually you Brownie.  Don't be scared or sad, you will be taken care of . Mama is here with you right in her heart , where you will stay forever and always. I will write to you one day soon with  no guilt or grief, or sadness or sorrow. It will be all happiness of me and you. I miss the little things that would make my Boy happy. Lizards, you loved to hunt Lizards and walk. You were not much of a toy player, just sitting next to Mama made you happy! One day in near future, we will have our day! Until then, I will hold you close to my heart and prayers.  You will be a positive thought for me to keep moving forward, closer to that day! Let Sissy, Bean and Buffy know they are missed and lived too Brownie. I worry about them too! Sissy left a month after you, and that made it harder. No more loving souls to take care of, and share our love with each other. Chase those lizards my Boy, LOVE ALWAYS MAMA...………….KISS KISS...KISS KISS.. 
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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #43 
Hi my Boy
I miss you so much honey. I was out with Grandma last night and we saw these stones, and bought a couple. I made your name on it, and will place it out back in the yard, where all the Lizards are! I will plant your plant in May. It's not good weather to do so now, so I'll start making a nice place out in the backyard for remembering you, and Grandma wwill put hers out there too! Grandma is sad ,we had to leave Sissy, Bean and Buffy back at the old house. I'm still so confused on what to do with you! You stay by my side at night. I feel maybe I should have left you with them, but I couldn't let you go yet! I hope the Lord will lead me to that conclusion in time! I took a photo of your stone, and I will take photos when it's set up nicely. There's a lot of nice brick out back, I'm going to repaint them and do something nice for you and Grandma babies. I love you BROWNIE with all my heart and soul... Kiss kiss.. Live always and forever,Mama

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Brownie74

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Reply with quote  #44 
My Angel Boy.. Stay close to Mama's
Be my light and walk along my side, always Brownie
My Boy 💙😍💙

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MissingScooty

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Reply with quote  #45 
Jess....thank you for your kind words. Keep writing about Brownie and let the tears flow. It's only been four months. I was still in severe pain and grief at that point. And yes, we will see our boys again. It helps me sometimes if I picture God playing with Scooter, or holding him in his arms. Maybe it will comfort you but cry if you need it.

Hugs,
Melissa

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