GeeAnn Show full post »
Sounds like you loved Riley very much!When a animal depends on us so much,we question our decisions.I am experiencing the same feelings,did I do my baby right?Should I have waited longer?The only answer is your decision was based on love,you did what you thought was best.I have been reading a book called,"The art of racing in the rain"it's from the perspective of the dog.The bottom line is our loved ones gave us much happiness and love,they deserve to take the next journey with dignity.The more we love them,the harder the decision to do what's right.Your love for Riley will always be with you,and with Riley.May the sun always be in Riley's face and the wind at his back.I think all our pets will be waiting for us ....
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Thank you dogman.  Its a beautiful sentiment.  I am sorry for your loss.  And Winstonsmommy.  He was a cutie pie.  I am sorry for your pain and loss too.
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Hi GeeAnn,
I could see how kind and gentle he was mostly in his eyes but also his relaxed posture in the beautiful picture you posted of him. Bailey' s eyes were like that - it was almost like looking in to a person's eyes and he could really talk to you with them. It makes me so sad to think of Riley crying when the vet was examining his ears and eyes when he was so ill. It's so heartbreaking, isn't it? We would give anything to spare them pain. In the end the best gift we can give them is to let them go when their pain becomes too great but it is so very difficult living without them. I really agree with what Dogman said (from the dog's perspective)
Don't forget to be kind to yourself during this very sad time.
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Great post CKMP! Thanks, I needed to read that today.
Sue E
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Thanks Sue -Just trying to make sense out of our losses and our grief...

GeeAnn - I know some days are just downright awful -  days filled with deep, deep pain and many tears.  It is because we love so honestly - because we are loved so purely by our special friends.  Tears are the expression of that love and of that sense of loss - of what has been, but now has changed.  And I know you miss him so.  Riley knows you love him still - believe he is still near to you - 
"He took my heart and ran with it, and he is running still, fast, strong, a piece of my heart bound up with his forever."  
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 How are you doing now?..Im so sorry for your loss.Its always hard when we loose our babies.
Its funny how you think yours was not the right decision and here i am thinking i should have been bold enough to make that decision..Cause I was too selfish to let my girl Loni go.I did not want to face the fact that she might not make it so i just kept giving her medication and injecting her after we came from the vets.She was so weak but i could not bring myself to separate from her.The idea was just not logical to me. I kept thinking "how Im i going to live without her?"..In my head it was not possible.
seeing her in Pain and sick and watching her body wither cause she was not eating was the worst time of my life.
Every day I feel guilty for being selfish and not letting the vet put her down.Like what kind of a mother im i to be that selfish..
But everyday i learn to forgive myself cause i know she forgave me.And she loved me so much she wouldnt want to see me cry and be sad all my life.
Her 1 year death anniversary is coming up this June.the grief still feels fresh but i find alot of comfort from the memories we made and the love we shared.
They may be gone but they will never be forgotten.
I hope you will find some comfort in the memories you made.
Mama loni
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PatriciaK - Thank you for asking about me. I am doing somewhat better in that I am not crying all day.  But every day I have a time of intense tears.  I can't get his last few hours out of my mind and then the second guessing comes.  I go back and forth from thinking we did the right thing to thinking we acted too soon with not enough information.  My husband is totally confident and feels like we did the right thing and that he definitely had the brain tumor.  That helps me when I can ask him to explain that to me.  

When I think of being without Riley not just today, but next month and next year, its just too much to think about.  So I realize that I just have to take it one day at a time.  I can't think about the future without him and I also need to quit reliving the day he passed away.  Because we had 12 1/2 wonderful years with him and that's what I need to remember.  But right now I wish I could just forget everything until the hurt lessens.  Nights are the worst, and coming home from work.  This forum is a huge help to me.
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It's been 3 weeks today since we lost sweet Riley.  While the tears come a bit less and the loss is becoming a bit more bearable, I can't quit second guessing our decision.  It all happened so fast, and he seemed perfectly healthy just hours before.  We asked the vet many, many questions and he answered each one.  We then made the decision to let him go.  

I can't shake the feeling of what if that isn't what was wrong.  I scour the internet looking for symptoms of brain tumor and while he had some symptoms they can also be attributed to other things.  And then I look up symptoms of the other things and he had those symptoms too.  And then I get a horrible sense of panic that we acted too hastily, and how could we do that to him when we loved him so immensely, and what if the vet was wrong and we were wrong?!!!  I tell myself to stop looking stuff up and then I tell myself that I deserve to be in agony if I didn't do right by my sweet boy.  It's tearing me apart just wondering.  My husband (who doesn't question what we did) thinks I should go to the vet and ask all of my questions again but I told him the vet is going to answer them in a way that will make me believe he for sure had a brain tumor because what can he do now?

I just wish I could get some peace about this.

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Oh GeeAnn
I can understand and empathize with your feelings only too well.  I am so so sorry for your loss of Riley.  I can hear the desperation in your words. . .
I too keep going through this second guessing - what if, could have, should have [my girl has been gone for almost three months now].  It is so so difficult to deal with the decision to let your special companion go -as if that decision isn't the most difficult one to make, then we second-guess ourselves.  I too still panic and still keep researching all the conditions my girl had and painstakingly look for the symptoms to convince myself we saw what we thought we saw and what it meant.  But, I find too many times, she doesn't fit the 'symptom profile' exactly and this sends me into a tailspin of emotions and questions.   You are right - what if we were wrong? what if the vet wasn't forceful enough in saying it wasn't the right time? what if we could have given her just one more chance?  My husband also doesn't question one bit the decision we too made. . .

Peace is fleeting around this GeeAnn - especially because our emotions are in play and the loss is too recent.  If reason rules - we know we made the right decision on that day.  Riley was greatly loved and cared for and about.  You and your husband would never have made a decision that was not in Riley's best interests.  It is because you loved him so immensely you made the greatest sacrifice to be without him.  To let him physically leave with dignity and respect, peace and compassion.  This we know in our minds - but we are grieving our loss and we let our hearts rule.  The mind knows - you trusted your Riley in the hands of your vet before this day - and so you can trust your vet on the day of Riley's crisis.  A vet you have trusted with your Riley's health and life would never 'jump the gun' and just make this decision without the knowledge and compassion that lead you to trust him/her in the first place.   This we know - but our heart keeps talking louder. . . 

GeeAnn I have lived this for almost three months and it is gut wrenching and soul crushing - please, please do not do this to yourself.  I have written elsewhere that when we let guilt in it is like a 'houseguest' that is almost never going to leave.  I have reached out to my vet, and am waiting still to speak to her - only because I still cannot speak too much about my gone girl without a floodgate of tears coming on.  But maybe this is a good idea - to phone and get an appointment - where there is time for you to ask all the questions you have and be honest and forthright with your vet about what you are thinking and feeling.
Please  remember, you and your husband made the decision based only upon your love for Riley who you would never ever want to suffer or live without the proud dignity all our special companions deserve.  It is because we love so deeply and have such a profound sense of responsibility we constantly punish ourselves.  Because for so many years our special family member relies on us for everything - food, water, care, companionship and love we feel we must be somehow responsible for their passing.  The mind knows it is the disease, not what we think we might have done or should have done. . .  but it is the heart that speaks the loudest and for the longest.  It is why we grieve and why we are so lost without them.  
I am so sorry GeeAnn -
Wishing a moment of peace, a moment of calm in this "grief storm" and many moments of Riley memories that bring some smiles.  Warm thoughts, and a hug.
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Thank you CKMP.  Your words and thoughts are very comforting and I appreciate you caring and responding.  
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I understand how you feel GeeAnn-maybe talking to your dvm will help if you think it's a good idea. I was so distraught and angry with what happened with Angie that I did a necropsy on her and it did resolve some of my questions. For Byron it was even worse. I eventually joined a group complaint against that veterinary practice after I met someone online- there were numerous people/furbabies who had been injured by them in one way or another. But in the end it was useless.. I can take some comfort that the dr. who killed Byron with her fatal error causing him unbearable suffering is no longer there. The dr. who usually treated him wouldn't even speak to us after the fact after treating him for several years. 

Even if Riley didn't have a brain tumor it sounds like something was very seriously wrong. I don't think ear infections are going to cause all of those symptoms and seizures. Brain tumors are well known to cause seizures. I so empathize with you, I hope you find peace in your decision at some point, I hope we all do. I agree with CKMP that you need to go easy on yourself because this type of thing can eat you up inside. Hugs to you. <3
My beloved sweet Tess August 1999 - February 21 2001
My beloved loyal Byron March 1998 - April 28 2008
My sweet beloved girlie Angelina April 2001- September 2012
Me & my sweet beloved Wizberry forever 1998- April 21, 2016
My sweet beloved Snow Goddess Sybil girlie April 2001- May 11,2018
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I also am still second guessing myself.  I try to push the thought from my mind.  All I saw was my beautiful Baby suffering.  he just was not himself at all.  he lived a long loving pampered life with me.  The best I could give him.. I miss him terribly but I believe i did the right thing for him.  He knows that.  I love you my Beautiful Boy.  I love you too my little Max!  Mommy  XOXOXO
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