These ' anniversaries' are so extremely difficult and I think it's because they are a reminder that more time has passed since we last were with our darlings. It is going on 14 weeks for me and I still have times of complete relapse . This week has been especially hard, I wake up and tell myself I need to try and focus on the positive but by mid afternoon a feeling of dread starts creeping in and I can't keep it a bay, it overwhelms me and Ive had episodes similar to the first week ..crying for my boy to come back, not wanting to accept that he isn't and this is permanent. I also feel much guilt for not being able to fix him. I always had in the past and feel like maybe I could have done more, maybe I missed signs he was mortally ill. I am black and blue in my heart and soul for all the beating up on myself I do.
It feels like what I would expect someone having flashbacks or PTSD to experience
This HAS been a life altering traumatic event that we have experienced so it makes sense
Our worlds have been turned upside down , sometimes I feel like Alice when she went through the looking glass
I don't feel like the same person probably because I'm not . Every simple daily routine is different , looks different ...just doesn't feel 'right'
I came across some chia seeds I had purchased at a deli with a September date on them and felt a pain in my heart because when I bought them Bee was still alive. Everything is pre and post losing him , I find it extremely difficult to acclimate to this new reality and don't feel like I really belong in the world now, kind of like I'm on an alien planet. Sometimes other people really annoy me because they just carry on like normal , not a care in the world.
I don't know if I will ever get to that place
I so wish I had some words of advice to make it easier for you, i just don't know how we are expected to endure the loss of someone so integral to our happiness . Your dear Coco and my Byron weren't just beloved companions but a part of us and as I keep saying , in my case the much better part
He was absolutely perfect in my eyes , there will never be such another for me
Sending you wishes of peace and comfort during this difficult time. I'm sure your dear Coco wants you to be okay and is doing her very best to send you strength to get you through these days and to help heal your broken heart
Diana and her better half, Bee
Bee- "Good night sweet prince & flights of angels see thee to thy rest"