ahartofilis
It will be almost 8 weeks that my dear sweet girl Coco left for the bridge. I am still quite frankly, a devastated mess! Some days there may be less tears. Yet the grief of loosing such a special girl and the relationship that we shared is still biting me like the cold weather. I know how many of you understand it. How do we rebuild our lives when so much of our life included the day in and day out routines of seeing and being with our furbabies? I don't know where I am suppose to be in all of this by now.

All I know is how I feel. I miss that girl so much that it's like a stab to my heart every day! Sometimes I even relive those last few days and wish thatI had done things differently. I didn't want her to be full of pain and discomfort. When Coco could no longer go for a walk or even use her bad leg it broke my heart to see her that way. She refused to take the pain pills and would spit them out of ANYTHING I put them in. I felt as if she was telling me, no mom, I don't want to be drugged up and laying around this house like that. Who could blame her? She always wanted to do something, anything that her breed was meant to do.  Yet I feel badly that I couldn't fix it for her!

I have come a long way since those early days that my sweet girl left yet just when you feel that you have come to terms with things, it all seems to come back and haunt you again. Has anyone felt this way lately, please share with me, I really want to make sense of it. I just miss her so, so, much. I feel like such a big part of my heart and life is gone without her. Its just difficult to move ahead! How do we endure the loss of one of the only things in life that truly loved us and was there for us all of the time?!! Its heartbreaking!!! I feel for all of us in this situation!!!.......Sincerely, Andrea, COCO_7.jpg  Coco's Mom
Quote 0 0
Beesmom123
Andrea
These ' anniversaries' are so extremely difficult and I think it's because they are a reminder that more time has passed since we last were with our darlings. It is going on 14 weeks for me and I still have times of complete relapse . This week has been especially hard, I wake up and tell myself I need to try and focus on the positive but by mid afternoon a feeling of dread starts creeping in and I can't keep it a bay, it overwhelms me and Ive had episodes similar to the first week ..crying for my boy to come back, not wanting to accept that he isn't and this is permanent. I also feel much guilt for not being able to fix him. I always had in the past and feel like maybe I could have done more, maybe I missed signs he was mortally ill. I am black and blue in my heart and soul for all the beating up on myself I do.

It feels like what I would expect someone having flashbacks or PTSD to experience
This HAS been a life altering traumatic event that we have experienced so it makes sense
Our worlds have been turned upside down , sometimes I feel like Alice when she went through the looking glass
I don't feel like the same person probably because I'm not . Every simple daily routine is different , looks different ...just doesn't feel 'right'
I came across some chia seeds I had purchased at a deli with a September date on them and felt a pain in my heart because when I bought them Bee was still alive. Everything is pre and post losing him , I find it extremely difficult to acclimate to this new reality and don't feel like I really belong in the world now, kind of like I'm on an alien planet. Sometimes other people really annoy me because they just carry on like normal , not a care in the world.
I don't know if I will ever get to that place

I so wish I had some words of advice to make it easier for you, i just don't know how we are expected to endure the loss of someone so integral to our happiness . Your dear Coco and my Byron weren't just beloved companions but a part of us and as I keep saying , in my case the much better part
He was absolutely perfect in my eyes , there will never be such another for me

Sending you wishes of peace and comfort during this difficult time. I'm sure your dear Coco wants you to be okay and is doing her very best to send you strength to get you through these days and to help heal your broken heart

Diana and her better half, Bee

Bee- "Good night sweet prince & flights of angels see thee to thy rest"
Quote 0 0
MattiesMom10
Hey Andrea,
I was really hoping to catch ya again, wanted to tell ya something else. I will check again in just a bit, I am going to try and force my self to stay awake. If I don't catch ya tonight hopefully I will be able to catch you before work tomorrow :) Mattie and I sending Coco and you tons of Hugs and Love xoxo
Susan Turner
Quote 0 0
ahartofilis
Dianna, So much of what you said is exactly how I am feeling. Our feelings and emotions are so much alike and knowing that we are 'like minded' is great validation and a comfort to me. When you say that you try to focus on the positive yet by midday the feeling of dread sets in. Yes, I know that feeling. Its like when a thought or reminder of Coco pops into my head I am back to the realization that she is not here, and never will be again. It is as though I am being forced to live a reality that I cannot accept.
You said that you don't feel like the same person. How can we be the same person without them!! Sometimes I feel like a stranger to myself! My identity  now is ' a woman who is mourning the loss of her beloved companion'
How does that fit into the world today? Like you mentioned, most people are doing their own thing and carrying on with what they consider to be normal. And it is aggravating to me as well because I keep thinking, "what does any of this really matter" I suppose we are sensitized to things right now yet sometimes I think that I am the one seeing more clearly about what life is really suppose to mean!!
 My thoughts are sort of skipping all over but I think you can relate.
I had a conversation with a family member a couple of days ago and I was trying to explain to her how I was feeling about loosing my girl Coco. Basically she told me that I had put all of my eggs into one basket by loving Coco so much. Even though she was well meaning I felt that it was a pretty superficial thing to say and it really make me think "what did she mean by that?'' I just couldn't let that comment rest so I told her that Yes, I loved Coco, and she gave me back the kind of love and energy that most people are not capable of giving. Most human relationships are complicated, built around conditions, and there really is very little genuine affection. Its a me, me, me, world and mentality! So can you blame me for loving something that had that simple, pure love, genuine affection, and loyalty for me? I suppose you either get it, or you don't. I don't think she got it. But that's O.K. I needed to define myself at that moment, and I did!
  I know that we need to endure and you are right, how? I guess we are both trying to figure it out Dianna. How special Byron must have been to you!! He must have been the sweetest cat! Like Coco, something about them does become a part of us. Its almost as if we are talking through them!!
  Thank-you so much for sharing with me. As I mentioned, I find us to be very like minded which sort of opened up the door for me to express myself tonight. God Bless You and Byron for that!! Hugs and Kisses from me and Coco, 
   Sincerely, Andrea
 
Quote 0 0
Beesmom123
Andrea,
You have been extremely supportive and I very glad to share anything that might help in any small way
I wish there was something I could do for you, myself and all the others in our shoes that would make this all better but nothing can bring them back and that's what we all wish, to wake up and realize this was all a very bad dream

I agree we are on very similar tracks with what we are going through, what we are experiencing on this extremely arduous journey
Maybe you're right and we are somewhat sensitized , but we're we in a fog before? And only now awake and seeing clearly as you said?That is the question. I look at everything differently , the world ...myself ...my values ...everything
I really feel like I have been gutted and all that's left is a shell


As far as the comment made to you about 'eggs all in one basket' , I heard similar comments even before I lost B, like 'you know he is old , he's not going to live forever , you better get used to the idea and you have other cats., etc' I'm not stupid of course I knew that but I didn't expect to lose him with virtually no warning and as much as I knew I would be devasted and couldn't imagine life without him , I was totally blindsided by the depths of the loss, the grief , the loneliness and just the day to day trying to function . It actually seems more difficult now than a month or so ago maybe because the shock has worn off and all that's left is the stark miserable reality that I will never see him again at least in the form I loved , on this earth

And do people really think we planned to become so entwined with our animals, that we are lost without them? Like you expressed so well about the love and affection Coco gave you, could you be blamed in some way for responding and welcoming such joy? Were you or I to say ' no thanks some day in the not too distant future they will die and I'll be sad so I think I'll pass??

your comment s about your Coco giving you energy and becoming a part of you also really rings true for me. I wonder now if I was just the vessel through which Byron was communicating and now the life force that animated me is gone. I have been alone but don't think I have ever been lonely before this.

Byron was so incredible, I plan to write things down , all the unique things about him and why he made such a huge impact on me and how I am forever changed. Right now its all one can do to just muddle through, do what to have to do to get by and keep the meltdowns at bay

I know your bond with Coco was a one in a million too and the one positive thing that has come out of this is my empathy and compassion for people in this situation has increased a thousand fold. I truly do want people to heal their broken hearts and find some measure of peace
For sadly I now know first hand how painful and devasting a loss of this kind can be

I've rambled a lot but as always thanks ever so much for listening and sharing your experience and all the wonderful memories of Coco . I honestly feel like I know her now , I'm sure we would have been great friends , any dog that would be good to my cat is my friend forever !!!

Please feel free to contact me if you need a sounding board , if I can help in any way glad to do so. And sometimes we say the things to others that we need to hear ourselves
Spending time on this forum has made me realize this

Hope you have a very restful night with very pleasant dreams of your dear Coco.

Best,
Diana and her MUCH better half Byron




Bee- "Good night sweet prince & flights of angels see thee to thy rest"
Quote 0 0
Leahbeahis
Andrea,

Diana spoke so many truths in her reply. There isn't any place you are "supposed" to be in your grief over your beautiful Coco. Each of us takes a personal journey through our grief. We all share in common that we must live with it for the rest of our days. Losing Lucy was just as painful as losing any other family member. The very purpose of my life revolves around faith and love. Without them, there is nothing left. The love we share with our pets is as strong (if not stronger in some cases) as the love we share with humans. When that love is torn from us, we feel empty. There is now pain where there was once joy. I have come to the point where I have accepted the loss of my little girl, and most days are functional, but sometimes I fall into the dark hole again. We will learn to adapt to life without our babies, but we will never again be complete. We will never run smoothly again. Most of us here understand how you feel. I hope you get some rest tonight. I'm so sorry you lost Coco.

~ Leah
~ Leah
Quote 0 0
MurphysMom_0831
Beesmom123 wrote:
Andrea These ' anniversaries' are so extremely difficult and I think it's because they are a reminder that more time has passed since we last were with our darlings. It is going on 14 weeks for me and I still have times of complete relapse . This week has been especially hard, I wake up and tell myself I need to try and focus on the positive but by mid afternoon a feeling of dread starts creeping in and I can't keep it a bay, it overwhelms me and Ive had episodes similar to the first week ..crying for my boy to come back, not wanting to accept that he isn't and this is permanent. I also feel much guilt for not being able to fix him. I always had in the past and feel like maybe I could have done more, maybe I missed signs he was mortally ill. I am black and blue in my heart and soul for all the beating up on myself I do. It feels like what I would expect someone having flashbacks or PTSD to experience This HAS been a life altering traumatic event that we have experienced so it makes sense Our worlds have been turned upside down , sometimes I feel like Alice when she went through the looking glass I don't feel like the same person probably because I'm not . Every simple daily routine is different , looks different ...just doesn't feel 'right' I came across some chia seeds I had purchased at a deli with a September date on them and felt a pain in my heart because when I bought them Bee was still alive. Everything is pre and post losing him , I find it extremely difficult to acclimate to this new reality and don't feel like I really belong in the world now, kind of like I'm on an alien planet. Sometimes other people really annoy me because they just carry on like normal , not a care in the world. I don't know if I will ever get to that place I so wish I had some words of advice to make it easier for you, i just don't know how we are expected to endure the loss of someone so integral to our happiness . Your dear Coco and my Byron weren't just beloved companions but a part of us and as I keep saying , in my case the much better part He was absolutely perfect in my eyes , there will never be such another for me Sending you wishes of peace and comfort during this difficult time. I'm sure your dear Coco wants you to be okay and is doing her very best to send you strength to get you through these days and to help heal your broken heart Diana and her better half, Bee


Amazing, Diana. You've given a textbook description of every occurrence, experience, fear, thought, feeling of guilt, and emotion that's been going through my mind, heart and soul since losing Murphy so unexpectedly on June 18. I also measure time and space by pre and post his passing. The grief counselor I saw for a few months told me many of us may truly be suffering from PTSD, and flashbacks are not uncommon considering the depth of love and relationships we shared with our beloved soulmates. I feel as though I don't belong in this new world. I often find myself annoyed at others carrying on their normal lives instead of understanding and acknowledging the tragedy of losing Murphy, whether they're people I know or perfect strangers. Their goings on seem trivial and unimportant compared to those of us trying desperately to simply exist. The feeling of dread you describe sets in every single morning when I awake to the knowledge, yet again, that he's not here and not coming back. The floodgates of realization and heartache reopen whenever I'm not completely focused on work or something else that demands my attention, and I see and hear reminders of him everywhere and in everything. That unbearable emptiness washes over me like a tidal wave every time I lie down to sleep again without him by my side when I'd rub his belly and feel his every breath as we drifted off. Absolutely nothing seems right or real anymore. Do you ever feel like you're perhaps 1/4 of the person you were before losing Bee like I do since losing Murphy? The light in my life certainly went with him. I know you understand only too well. What wonderful blessings they have been to our lives.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and continuing to remind us we're not alone in ours.

Blessings,
Murphy's Mom (Kathryn)
"Sometimes there is a dog who is so special, he is able to wrap himself so completely around your heart it is impossible to tell where you begin and he ends."  For My Beloved Murphy, 08/31/2004 - 06/18/2014


http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/MURPH121/Resident.htm


http://s327.photobucket.com/user/kathrynbrown1626/library/?sort=6&page=1
Quote 0 0
animal_qwackers
Hi, Andrea,

I know more than ever the feelings you are experiencing presently. Yesterday, I had a terrible panic attack about my Gonzo. Despite me losing him more than six months ago, and thinking I had come to terms with making the right decision to have him put to sleep, I completely freaked out. I bawled and cried for what seemed like hours, beating myself up about making the wrong decision and hating myself for not recognising that he was ill and not doing more. I looked at a photo of him, one where he looks so alert, so beautiful, so damn healthy, and I felt as if I wanted to die. I was angry with myself, angry with cancer, angry with my other cats for being alive when he isn't, angry with him for not being here with me. The day was full of emotions, some I can't even put into words. I cried for Gonzo like I was crying for the moon because I'll never have the moon, and I will never have my beloved boy back in physical form.

Then I cried for my beautiful Solly dog, but a different kind of crying, again difficult to put into words. I ache for them, Andrea, as you ache for your darling Coco. Today, I feel as if I have regressed again, as it's a tearful day full of heartbreaking emotions. Maybe the fact that Bonnie, my 16 year old tabby cat whom I took on 18 months ago, is steadily losing weight and eating less. Bonnie will never be Gonzo, or Daisy, but she is such a sweet little thing and the weight loss and refusing certain types of food she once loved is bringing back nasty memories of how Gonzo rapidly declined. I don't want to lose another pet just yet. The loss of Gonzo, and Solly less than ten weeks apart still haunts me, and to lose another would fairly knock me for six ... again!

Like MurphysMom, I feel as if I am on an alien planet. I feel lost in a world in which I don't belong. 

I am thinking of you and do understand how you feel even though grief is an exceptionally personal and individual emotion. I hope we can chat again sometime soon.

In the meantime, I am sending you big cyber hugs, and cuddles for Coco. Take care, my dear.

Wendy


“Death ends a life, not a relationship.” – Jack Lemmon

Solly, Gonzo, Daisy-Mae, Ebony, Jerry, Tigger, Bonnie, Suzy, Cleo, Spike, Sooty, and Tibby – dazzling lights that will never fade. Adored, cherished, I was privileged to know you all. Until we meet again, my beautiful babies. Bowls of love and cuddles, your ever-loving, devoted Mummy xxxxxxxxxx


Quote 0 0
loft2111
Hi Andrea,
Your feelings mimic a lot of us forum members.  This world of mine without LM is not the same world as everyone else is living in.  I started to not even mention my feelings to anyone other than forum members and my husband.  After four months everyone expects me to move on and get another dog.  I keep being told, he's gone, he's not coming back.  Well, I know this, he's gone just like the pieces of my heart that I will never be able to put back together.  I feel as though we are all so blessed for loving our babies so hard and so fully.  I never knew such joy and happiness can fill my being with a 10lb dog in my life, the five years he gave me will be cherished forever and I am so grateful for that experience. 
Thinking of you and your beautiful Coco.
I'm sure LM is snuggled close to Coco and Mattie and keeping warm.
hugs
Ann LM's mom
Quote 0 0
ahartofilis
Beesmom, I so do appreciate that you took so much thought and time to help make sense of some of my feelings. You have a perspective that sheds the light on things in a very introspective, intuitive way. Like when you related to the comments of family and when mine said that I had put all of my eggs in one basket with Coco. Thank-you for your viewpoint on that. Like you said, Was it wrong of me to respond to and love a being that gave me only love and joy and light in my life? Should I have thought, I cannot get too attached to you because it will be too painful when you leave? Who thinks like that?? You are so right about that!! Coco was the first dog that I ever really had. In the beginning I was not even in favor of getting her. I really had no idea that 10 yrs. later I would grieve this way. Nobody asks for this!!

You said that you feel like you know Coco by now. What a nice thing to say!! I feel as if I know Byron as well. He must have really been very attuned to you!! Coco was the same way with me. She had all of her animal ways but when she knew how I felt it was if she just adapted herself to please me. As some here have said, there isn't a time frame for grief. We feel what we feel. I know that my dear girl is worth whatever I must deal with now. I'm just trying to work things out as they come along. I suppose that it is all a part of what I would consider "Pet Loss Support"

You have been a great listener and wonderful sounding board this week. Many thanks from the bottom of my heart!! I just hope that I have given you some measure of comfort and support as well. Byron must have been a real sweetheart, just like his momma...............take care of yourself...many hugs from me and Coco to you and Byron.


Quote 0 0
Beesmom123
Andrea
Thank-you, you have helped very much with your kind words of comfort. I hope you're having a better day today
Yes Byron was such a love, so smart, intuitive , I really feel like almost an appendage of me. And he truly brought out the positive in me , everything including compassion , loyalty, faith, friendship, he only asked for love and shelter and food, oh boy did he love his food. I admit I was prone to indulge him and didn't know how to say no. Not only by the look in his eyes but he would come and tap my hand as if to say ' hey where's my share'?
Sometimes it was one bite for me , one bite for him.

Leah- I whole heartedly agree about the love for our animal companions is as strong if not stronger than those of humans
I think one of the reasons may be that they are so totally dependent on us and there is the sense that we are their only advocate and resource
Only we can speak for them, plus of course the unconditional love and none of the complications we have with people

Kathryn-yes I do feel like I'm on another plane , sometimes a portion of who I was pre- loss , sometimes a completely hollow shell , I doubt ever again a whole person in the same sense

Wendy- I'm so sorry you are hitting a bad patch and your Bonnie is giving you cause for concern. My other two guys both have health issues , but right now they are doing pretty well, but I too have this voice in my head saying next you're going to lose them ,getting worried about everything little thing that might be a sign they are heading downhill
It can happen so darn fast as everything here knows

Ann-
I can relate to what you say about other people getting weary of us still 'not over it'
My family never bring up Bee and when I do even casually , they say little or change the subject
They don't want to 'encourage ' my dwelling on him or wallowing in my grief

Sending hugs of comfort to all, please try and be good to yourselves. Your babies would want that

Diana and her better half, bee


Bee- "Good night sweet prince & flights of angels see thee to thy rest"
Quote 0 0
ahartofilis
Wendy, What are we to do without them!!!  I appreciate your response and how you are also feeling. You did something wonderful in taking in Bonnie, a senior cat. When we see our animals suffer and get sick I think that it always brings us back to the times when our beloved ones that have passed were sick.
I can understand feeling panicky. I had to bring my Siamese cat to the vet for a health issue a short while ago. It was the first time that I had stepped foot inside the vets office since loosing Coco. I really felt like dying!! I couldn't even fake a smile for the receptionists when I walked in there. I was very sad thinking about Coco, and I was also worried about Ben, my cat and thinking, I cant go through this again!! I know how it feels. Luckily Ben is fine, for now.
I find that its hard to face illness with anyone else as well. I had to take care of my mom who isn't well for a little while today and it was really hard for me. It just makes me too sad. And even just the mention of Coco sets her off into a tailspin of tears for Coco, I guess, and for her beloved dog that passed almost 10 yrs. ago!! Then I feel guilty that I even brought anything up!
Thank-you for your understanding, I know that you get how I feel even though as you said our emotions are very individual in the way we grieve. Yet we all have very similar feelings and its comforting to be able to relate about them. Yes, I would like to chat again, soon, O.K.? .......hugs from me and Coco to you and Solly, Gonzo, Daisy. My thoughts and prayers also go out to Bonnie for her wellbeing.
Quote 0 0
ahartofilis
Ann, thank-you, We are not living in the same world as you mentioned as we have lost a true, true, loving companion. Sometimes I think that people are not understanding as they don't know grief like this because they don't know how to truly love! Or they choose to forget because they know how difficult it is to truly mourn such a loss. I don't appreciate some of the comments that I get from others as well, like, just get another dog, or Coco's been gone long enough, its time to get over it and move on.
I don't think that this society puts much value on allowing those that are truly grieving to actually feel something and allow the process to occur the way that God designed us to feel. No one wants to accept that sadness, pain, and mourning over a loss is normal and necessary to heal and grow as a person. I know this is kind of heavy but I feel strongly about it.
We are not crazy for how we feel!! We are not allowed to feel because society cant handle it!! Well I am sorry if I am not totally reliant in the superficial things in life to make me happy!
What you had with Little Man and me with Coco is worth more then a lot of what we see around us. Maybe that's a reason why we don't feel like we are in this world anymore. I always used to tell Coco,'' don't worry Coco, I love you more than my luggage!'' meaning I love her more then anywhere that luggage could take me in this world. Somehow I think she knew what I meant!! .........Remember, Little Man has the big wags of strength from Coco and Mattie now... He is beautiful and healthy and snuggling with two beautiful ladies!!!  Sincerely, Andrea
Quote 0 0
ahartofilis
Leah, thank-you for that simple and straightforward perspective. I also do the best that I can to live my life around faith and love. I am glad that you have gotten to the point of accepting the loss of Lucy and that you are adapting to life without her. Still as you also said, life will never be the same as we knew it. We lost pure LOVE with our precious furbabies. It is a lot to come to terms with. I don't think that we ever really can come to terms with that. We just get better at ADAPTING to the loss. I appreciate you taking the time to share how you feel. It is comforting and helps me to get a better perspective................take care, hugs from me and Coco to you and Lucy.........sincerely, Andrea
Quote 0 0
ahartofilis
COCO_8.jpg 

Hello my sweet girl!  Its been 8 weeks today Coco, that you left for the Bridge. I am sorry that I couldn't smile much today. I just miss you terribly darling. I took a walk today with Shelly, one of our neighbors that liked you so much. She started to cry about you and also about her dog Albert that passed almost 2 yrs. ago. She really misses her walks with Albert and she misses seeing us! It was good to walk with her today. We talked and cried together. At least it got me out and made me feel close to you as I know how much you enjoyed being outside.
We are looking at a snow storm again my dear girl. Remember how you would jump in the snow when you were younger? It was fun for you!! I miss those days with you very much my love.
I know that you are around me in many ways. Yet I miss being able to touch and see you Coco! Will you wait for me dear one? Hopefully one day our loving father and creator will bring us together again. It will be the happiest day for me. I love you so much Coco..
Go now and snuggle with Mattie. She may have to come out for her momma for a little while tonight. But she will get back to her place with you. Make sure to make room for L.M. and remember to play nice with the others including the kitties! Don't forget that you must protect Byron! He is counting on you sweet girl!!!!  I love you sweetie.......hugs, kisses,...........Mom

Quote 0 0