I’ve been avoiding writing on here lately. Avoiding leaving the house. Very poor sleeping. I know that bottling up my feelings about loosing my son makes things worse. I become anxious and irritable. Nothing makes me happy, nothing really brings any joy. Handling this new reality of life without him is deeply depressing. I do feel as the days go by, the more it sets in that he’s not coming back. I can’t picture a life without my son, my hearts been ripped out since the day he passed. It’s changed me, in profound ways. I can’t conceptualize that I’ll never give him another bath, I’ll never brush his teeth again, I’ll never clean out his ears. I’ll never give him his morning dental bone again. I’ll never make dinner without him sitting at my feet waiting for food to drop. I’ll never have him bark at the door when it’s closed. I’ll never get out of the shower and find him in a ball on the bath mat waiting for me. I’ll never see the excitement he gets in his eyes when I pick up his leash. I’ll never put him in the car again and go for a long drive or to the park. I just want my son back. I can’t stop saying that all I want is my son back. I have a deep wound in my soul, it will never heal, my soul will grow around it, but the pains a part of me now, I’ll always live with it. I don’t want to go on auto pilot and avoid my feelings. I just hope Max knows how much I love him and that he is always on my mind, I see and feel him every where.