GrievingRemi
I came across this site while googling pet grief support, I've never posted on a forum before but I so badly need some comfort and people who understand what I'm going through.  I need help, and to know that I made the right decision.  It all seemed to go so fast that now of course I'm second guessing myself and feel like I'm going crazy.

Yesterday I made the decision to put down my beloved Remi and the pain and grief is killing me.  She was 11.5 years old and had congenital heart disease like so many other Cavalier King Charles Spaniels.  She is the only dog I've ever owned so I had no idea her death would impact me this way, even though I loved her so so much and took care of her for so long.

Remi went through heart failure 3.5 years ago and by all rights should not have made it then.  Even when I was able to take her home they said she most likely wouldn't make it more than 6-9 months.  But she showed everyone.  I'd like to think it was because she knew I needed her.  Every day of the last 3.5 years was a gift, I know it.

The last few months I noticed her really slowing down.  I could tell she was tired and just had a feeling her time was coming up.  Last week I noticed her abdomen was really swollen, so we went to the vet and they drained almost a liter of fluid.  The diagnosis was that her heart disease (which had started as left ventricle) had now also moved to the right ventricle and she could go into cardiac arrest at any time.  The vet told me there was nothing more to be done, it was only a matter of time.  The only thing I knew is that I didn't want her to be in any pain or to have her die alone while I was at work.  So I watched her for a few days and then she started vomiting fluids.  Back to the vet yesterday, and the fluid was already back again and would need to be drained again.  Plus they could hear the fluid crackling in her lungs again.

I made the decision then and there that it was time.  And this is the decision that I'm now second guessing and feeling so guilty over.  The vet didn't offer me other options outside of draining her abdomen again, there didn't seem to be anything else to do.  But they didn't make recommendations or say that it should be time.  I so badly just wanted the vet to make that decision for me.  But I now think, maybe I could have taken her home and had one more night with her, just a little more time to say goodbye.  She was still happy, still wagging her tail.  But I didn't do that.  Once I made the decision everything went so quickly.  In the Quiet Room where it happened I was crying and crying and she was licking my face over and over, maybe telling me that it was OK and she was ready.  I don't know.  And she just went so quickly and so peacefully.  I'm so happy she never experienced the pain that can come with cardiac arrest or heart failure again.  But could I or should I have waited just a little longer?  I'm replaying those few last hours over and over in my head.  I feel physically sick over all of it.

Did I do the right thing?  How long until I feel a measure of comfort in thinking of her and not agony?  Are there other Cavi owners out there who had to make a similar decision?

I always said I would never get another dog after she was gone, and definitely not another Cavi b/c I'm terrified to have another one that ends up with heart disease.  But I just love the breed so much.  For anyone who has had multiple, is it worth it??

Any words offering me some peace that I did the right thing for my little fur baby would be so helpful to me.  Thank you.
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Ginger4256

Reading your story makes me cry.  I had the same experience with my baby Boo.  The only difference is I did not stay at the vet’s office but left thinking I could just go to the park with Boo for a little while and sit on the blanket.  I told the vet I would come back in an hour.  We made it to the park and sat on the blanket but Boo was in no way able to enjoy it.  I put him back in the car and he died right in my back seat. 

What I’m saying is, no matter what we do, we will always think of the “what if’s” and “but maybe I should have”. 

You did what you know was right for your baby.  No one else knows except you.  Please try not to doubt your decision.  The guilt, for me, was the hardest part of this journey.  For weeks, I cried thinking that I should have just held him at home and not even gone to the vet.  He was dying.  I should have just stayed at the house with him and held him, talking to him.  When the time comes, we panic and don’t think straight.  All we think about is trying to do whatever we can to keep them out of pain and alive.  I don’t think anyone ever doesn’t regret SOMETHING they did or have doubts. 

My Boo also had congestive heart failure but I didn’t know until that last day of his life.  He started coughing during the night so I thought he would be okay after the vet gave him some shots and sent him home that morning.  I went to work for a few hours, keeping an eye on him with the surveillance cameras I have in the house.  When I got home, his little heart was beating so hard.  I thought if I took him back to the vet, there would be something they could do.  I had no idea that they would tell me it was time. 

Please be kind to yourself.  You have begun the grief journey and there are plenty here in this forum to help you along.  Write about your baby.  Tell us.  We all understand what you are going through.    

I am so so sorry that you are here in this pain.  Heart.png 

Boo' s mommy
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Tankie12
I’m so sorry I know your grief, it’s harsh and it hits hard. Ginger’s advise is perfect, her words very true in describing this agonizing “grief journey”. We Are here we Do know how bad you’re suffering, I wish there was a way to escape it but their is none. Our deep deep love for them is now shown as deep grief and harsh pain mixed with love and longing. We just want them back and everything that was all of our lives together. Heart failure is a very sad disease. It’s also one of the leading causes of death on the site. The unexpected and unexplained often happen with CHF. I know some breeds are more prone.
Write as often as you feel the need and be extra kind to yourself
Lynn, Tankie’s mom, forever
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GrievingRemi
Thank you for sharing your story, Ginger4256, I'm so sorry you had to go through that with Boo.  It's comforting to me though to know and talk to others who've experienced this grief and guilt because I didn't expect it to feel like this.  I think being able to share my Remi stories here will help me remember the dog she was instead of focusing on those last few hours.  
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GrievingRemi
Thank you for your kind words Tankie12, it feels good to know I can stop here and read others' stories and share when I need to to help me grieve.  
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JennyTeddy
My heart breaks for you, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby Remi. Sending you warm hugs and comfort. My heart aches for you.

Sweet Ginger said it perfectly.

My baby boy Teddy passed away from Congestive Heart Failure as well. He passed away on his own Sunday May 6, 2018 5:20am at the Vet in an oxygen tank. He battled CHF for 8 months. He got diagnosed August 28, 2017. I was told I caught it in the early stages. He went in monthly for check ups on his heart failure with a cardiologist. He was on Lasix Injection, Pimobenden, Enaliprill, Amplodipine 2x a day. He had way more good days than bad days. It’s almost been 2 months and I’m still devastated and I cry like it’s the first day he left. People have asked me would I do t all over again even with knowing Teddy would pass from heart failure? And YES I would! Although I wish he never had Heart Failure because he would still be here, even with his illness he was so happy and full of life for the 10 years 8 months I had him.

Just know your baby isn’t gone. Physically yes, but not spiritually.

Writing about your baby on this forum, sharing pictures, your grief, stories about your baby and talking to others here who understand helps. Especially when you talk to someone whose gone through losing their baby to Heart Failure. Because it helps knowing others have experienced it too. My heart goes out to you. Sending you hugs.
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

  
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GrievingRemi
JennyTeddy, thank you so much for your kind words.  I read your story as well and it echos so much of my journey with Remi that it both saddens me and gives me comfort to know others understand this pain.  I too gave Remi heart medication 2x a day for 3.5 years (I only forgot it one morning and even then turned my car around on the way to work to get back to her so she wouldn't miss it).  I also gave her meds a 3rd time each day for her inflammatory bowel disease.  I carried her up and down the stairs for 2.5 years to save the work on her heart, she was my little baby.  My entire schedule revolved around her and I didn't even care.  And now I don't know what to do with myself, I catch myself checking the clocks to see if it's time for meds, I keep getting up thinking I need to take her outside (she was on meds that made her have to go a lot as well since she started with left ventricle heart disease) and then just wander around when I realize I don't need to do that anymore.  Getting up in the morning hurts when she's not there in my bed and I don't have to get her outside first before getting myself ready.  

I'm so hopeful that I'll see her again, that there really is a Rainbow bridge and she's waiting for me, and in the meantime doing all of those things she wasn't able to do like run and jump and play.  I can't imagine a world where I can't see her again.  Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I had a wonderful memory of when she was young and healthy and she used to get so excited she would do "zoomies" around the house.  I hadn't thought of her zoomies for years, forgot that she even ever did them.  I finally able to fall asleep with a small smile on my face, thinking that now she's up at the bridge running zoomies again.

Many hugs to you, thank you for sharing your story.
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JennyTeddy
Oh you’re welcome. I’m happy to hear that my words were comforting. Again I’m so so sorry for the loss of your baby. It’s so hard. I can totally relate when you say You carries her up and down the stairs fto save the work on her heart, she was my little baby.” I did the very same thing with Teddy, except I carried him everywhere. I’d carry him from grass patch to grass patch when we were at the park or living at the apartment, but he was such a lazy baby anyways he loved it, he would be so relaxed while I carried him. And he loved his backpack too.


Also when you said ”My entire schedule revolved around her and I didn't even care. And now I don't know what to do with myself, I catch myself checking the clocks to see if it's time for meds, I keep getting up thinking I need to take her outside she was on meds that made her have to go a lot rried her up and down the stairs for 2.5 years to save the work on her heart, she was my little baby. My entire schedule revolved around her and I didn't even care. And now I don't know what to do with myself, I catch myself checking the clocks to see if it's time for meds, I keep getting up thinking I need to take her outside (she was on meds that made her have to go a lot as well since she started with left ventricle heart disease) and then just wander around when I realize I don't need to do that anymore. Getting up in the morning hurts when she's not there in my bed”
I was the same, I’m not sure if you just read my little shortened version of my story on your thread or if you have been on my thread and read my entire novel story from the beginning. But like you, my life revolved around Teddy, and I also didn’t care. I enjoyed taking care of him, I enjoyed everything, aside knowing Heart Failure would eventually take him one day. But I also don’t know what to do with my self either anymore. I still look at the clock at 7am/7pm and still waking up at 6:00am I notice I look for him. I feel so empty and loss as you do as well. Teddy was on furmosimide Lasix Injection 2x a day 7am/7pm along with his other medications. So his injection made him have to owe a lot. Which I didn’t mind, we just went to the park 2-3x a night so he could pee 6-10x each hour. From 7:00-10:00am/pm. Getting up in the morning waking up in the morning doing anything and falling asleep are all incredibly hard without him hear.

Reading your stories I can relate with you and how you’re feeling. Sending you warm hugs💛 you and your baby are in my thoughts.



and then just wander around when I realize I don't need to do that anymore. Getting up in the morning hurts when she's not there in my bed and I don't ha
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

  
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JennyTeddy
I wanted to share a quote with you that I I had posted on my thread. But I wanted to post it here so you always have it to give you comfort. We will see our babies again. We still feel them, they are still with us in spirit because their spirit is who they are. I hope this quote brings you comfort as it does me. 💛

You are a spiritual being. You are energy and energy cannot be destroyed. It just changes form. Therefore the pure essence of you has already been and always will be. Everything that has existed will always exist, it’s moving into form, through form and out of form. So if you think we are just this body. Think again. You’re a spiritually being, you are eternal energy. 99% of who you are is invisible and untouchable.”
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

  
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