Reading your story makes me cry. I had the same experience with my baby Boo. The only difference is I did not stay at the vet’s office but left thinking I could just go to the park with Boo for a little while and sit on the blanket. I told the vet I would come back in an hour. We made it to the park and sat on the blanket but Boo was in no way able to enjoy it. I put him back in the car and he died right in my back seat.
What I’m saying is, no matter what we do, we will always think of the “what if’s” and “but maybe I should have”.
You did what you know was right for your baby. No one else knows except you. Please try not to doubt your decision. The guilt, for me, was the hardest part of this journey. For weeks, I cried thinking that I should have just held him at home and not even gone to the vet. He was dying. I should have just stayed at the house with him and held him, talking to him. When the time comes, we panic and don’t think straight. All we think about is trying to do whatever we can to keep them out of pain and alive. I don’t think anyone ever doesn’t regret SOMETHING they did or have doubts.
My Boo also had congestive heart failure but I didn’t know until that last day of his life. He started coughing during the night so I thought he would be okay after the vet gave him some shots and sent him home that morning. I went to work for a few hours, keeping an eye on him with the surveillance cameras I have in the house. When I got home, his little heart was beating so hard. I thought if I took him back to the vet, there would be something they could do. I had no idea that they would tell me it was time.
Please be kind to yourself. You have begun the grief journey and there are plenty here in this forum to help you along. Write about your baby. Tell us. We all understand what you are going through.
I am so so sorry that you are here in this pain.