ggg777
I am new to this forum, and I'm hoping to find a way thru the intense grief I'm feeling.  My little Maltese, Buddy, passed away on April 12, 2016.  He was my best friend for 12 years.  He was fine up until September of 2015, and then he lost a pound in a month.  When the vet did bloodwork, he discovered Buddy had Active Canine Hepatitis, elevated copper levels and hyperplasia.  The levels were higher than the vet could believe.  He kept losing half a pound every month or two off his little 10 pound frame.  The vet put him on a special diet, lots of pills, and we tried.  He stopped eating around January, and I took him to a local store where they made special food for dogs.  He started to eat some of that, and he was doing a little better, but still losing weight.  Suddenly, he wanted his old food back, and so I switched him back, but by then it was too late.  He started drinking copious amounts of water and urinating every 1/2 hour to 2 hours.  We were up all nite for months.  He was so incredibly good about it. He would stand up on the bed when he had to go out, and wait for me to get dressed.  I know how hard it must have been for him to wait, but he never went on the bed.  All he wanted was to be held and cuddled.  By this point he had lost all vision, his hearing and his sense of smell.  He was walking into everything.  when we went back to the vet, he told us that Buddy now had diabetes, and the sugar level was extremely high.  He had lost another pound.  He was all bone.  There wasn't much muscle left on his body at all.  And yet he still wanted to be held and gave kisses all the time.  He was such an amazing little boy.  Finally, I followed a "friend's" advice, who said there was no hope for him, and that I really needed to let him go.  She went with me to the vet and pushed me into putting him down.  I was so tired at this point, and I so didn't want to give him shots every day.  I knew what that would mean to a little guy who couldn't see it coming.  And I know how hard it is to regulate insulin.  And there was no hope for the liver disease.  It was just going to progress and progress.  So I held him and let him go in my arms.  it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  I cry every day for him and sometimes I think I'm going crazy.  I want him back so much and there doesn't seem to be any peace now.  I feel so guilty that I let him go.  I wish I had kept him a little longer, but he couldn't find his water dish or food dish.  He couldn't find his way around the yard.  He was so helpless and so small  He was all skin and bones - there was no muscle mass left on his little body.  I try to work, but it's hard to focus.  I forget things and I want him back so much. 
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Bailey15
Hi there,
First, thank you for being such a wonderful parent to Buddy! You shared a beautiful life with him and in the end you gave him the best gift: you let him go when his quality of life was so poor. It is the ultimate act of love. I do understand the awful pain and grief you are feeling now - with him gone. I had to let my Bailey go 6 months ago (he was almost 16) and I didn't think I could survive. As time has gone by I've written to him in a journal and am still working on a scrapbook for him - things that make me feel close to him.
Please don't feel guilt over letting him go - I know deep down you know you did the best thing for him but the awful grief makes us question everything and please do continue to visit this Forum - I found it so helpful as there were/are so many people here who can understand the pain you are in and will offer support - unfortunately not everyone does understand but you have found a place where we all shared such a special bond with our little friends and can really empathize with what you are going through.
I am so sorry for your loss! Sending you hugs!!
MJ
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ggg777
Dear MJ,

Thank you so much for this posting.  You have no idea what it means to have someone understand.  Everyone here keeps pushing me into getting another dog too soon, like a dog is a disposable commodity that you replace.  I'm sure they all mean well, but I can't seem to get past Buddy.  I dream about him, I think about him, I see him in the house, even tho I know he isn't here.  And especially thank you for understanding that he really didn't have any quality of life left in him.  As hard as it is to know I had to put him down, I know he is in a better place.  He came to me in a dream last nite and he was healthy and his old loving little self.  I love your idea of the journal.  I wanted to do that right after he passed, but so many things happened that I couldn't.  One day when I am stronger, I will post about what happened after he passed.  It was horrible.  I'm still getting thru that, too.  So thank you again...  GG
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camunki
I am so sorry for the loss of your Buddy, and yes you were his caretakeer and there with him to the very end, and he knows that, you loved him to the very end. I think it is devastating, beyond words when our pets "transition", it is like losing a child, I know, I lost my baby back on Dec 3rd and I am still grieving cuz I miss her dearly. My dog Munki lived 13 years and 10 months, i was hoping she would live to 14 but that did not happen. And I had to let her "transition" due to her lung cancer invading her nasal area also, so her quality of life was pretty bad, I am in tears now as I write this.

Please know you did your all for Buddy he is now your guardian angel, waiting and watching........

Please know you are not alone...and the dreams you have are *visits* from your Buddy and that is great!! and I too, journal each and everyday, it helps with my emotions and getting closer to my girl.

This is all fresh and new, so when you are ready to post more, feel free and know there are so many compassionate, caring folks on this website.



Cam


 
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CKMP
I am so so sorry for your loss of Buddy.  You did an amazing job - shepherding Buddy through many rough days with love, acceptance and compassion.  It is so difficult to say goodbye - so difficult to see our companions age, become ill and know we are often the ones who must set them free.  Someone else said this on this forum and I think it is so true - You took on Buddy's pain, so he could have peace and calmness once again.  I think camunki is right - You were Buddy's guardian angel and now he is yours.  Buddy is with you - never far - his visits are his 'gift' to you now - There are so many good people on this forum - always ready to share, listen and help - you do not need to go it alone.  Warm thoughts.
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fitchick1961
Hi, I lost my prince back in December. He too had lost so much weight, he was skin and bones. He had cancer and was having diarrhea like 15-20 times a day. The last time I bathed him, a few days before he passed, I cuddled with him in a towel for a long time. He passed away before I had to do anything. But, I knew if I kept him with me any longer, I wasn't being fair to him. He had no more quality of life. I am a nurse, and I find that often my patients family keep them here much longer than they should. We keep people and pets for ourselves, because we can't bear to be without them. Making the right decision is showing your love for them
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