I am so very sorry~ Bailey15. Reading your post rings so true with me. Almost hesitated responding because some times I feel like I reply too much :-) I can't fix the ALL CAPS in my sign on. Ugh. Then I remember that we are all here supporting each other. Sadly, we all understand. Knowing that Bailey was not only the heart of your life, sounds like he was also the star wherever he went-- including your doctor's office. Very cool. He not only knew that you saved him & loved him beyond true love, he reciprocated by giving his love to you and to everyone you brought him to meet. He/they are so intuitive. Not only making everyone else feel special-- like @ the long term care home, but also making you 'proud' too. Bailey knew how important he was in your life...and how much you loved him. But from all that you describe, he loved you beyond true love too.
When you write that you were reading the poem as he crossed-- you got me. Tears streaming down. I read, write & adore poetry. Was taking a class when Lucy got very sick. (Write a poem a week & review other poets' work.) Even wrote a poem about Lucy's cyst bursting, infection, etc. as she lay next to me on the bed. I thought that the antibiotics would kick in & she'd get better. Since Lucy passed I haven't been able to write at all. In the maze/haze of that last day, it never even entered my mind to read a poem to her. I think I was humming our song. It's all a blur of crying, choking, raw emotion and then just total numbness.
That's why even though you've had a little time since losing your Bailey it all may still feel like, 'Ok wake me up. I don't like this bad dream'. Or I've had enough of this. I need my Bailey back. Maybe we are all still numb even though we try to resume 'life'. Different levels of 'numb' must be part of this grieving process because each day feels differently. I agree with many folks here. Getting a sign, or having a dream when we feel our best buds visit with us...helps. Totally agree about going to bed & waking-- like coming home to a hollow house. I hope that you always remember that your love with Bailey was true love right to the moment when you took his pain. You were able to give him peace-- to be right there holding him. And I hope that you gets signs from Bailey that help to ease your pain. Hugs, Kasey