I know i shouldnt say sorry for this post, but i guess i will anyway.
I miss my Bess so much, it will be a year in December. I still feel so raw. I've tried so hard, but most of the time the only thing that helps is shutting off, which i know is no solution. Maybe its because i dont get any signs from her, or maybe there are signs and i just cant read them?
We all handle grief differently, and some of us never get another pet again, and others do, fairly soon. Thats what happened to us. It was a strange thing though, and i know that it was Bess that led us to Tilly. I'd explain it but its one of those things that I just cant really explain.
Tilly is a chocolate lab, and Bess "is" a golden lab. I always like to refer to Bess as if she were alive, as i believe she is, somewhere, just not by my side anymore....for now. I dont think i could have handled a golden one again, the similarity would not have been fair on the new puppy.
I could spend hours telling you all how beautiful and precious Tilly is....but i wont ;) Ok i probably will! She simply is Tilly, not comparable to any other of our dogs, they are all unique, yet she is very similar to Bess, in many ways. Not because i wanted to see that, and made it up in my head, she just is. Perhaps thats a sign i should be paying more attention to. There are certain characteristics that are just so uncannily similar to Bess, while at the same time Tilly is her own person.
I often ask myself "am i to feel guilt for loving Tilly so much"?....i never get an answer, other than, love as much as you want Helen, there are no rules or regulations, and it doesnt mean you love Bess any less. I protect Tilly with my life. I dont care that perhaps she is a little spoiled, i just dont care. Better that than she went to a family that abused her right? There is nothing wrong with loving a pet "too" much. But sometimes, well actually most of the time, she lays on me at night and puts her head up to mine and looks me in the eyes, as if to say "I'm so lucky to have you", and i do the same with her. I am so lucky to have her too, as we are to have all the other dogs....they are all special. I melt when she does that.
I knew that a new puppy would be special, but not this special. I cant go a day without her, and have had to go over 2 weeks without her when we went to Europe to get my things for my final move here. It was awful. I felt like leaving a child of mine! I knew the others would be ok, but i wasnt sure with Tilly, she's been with us every day since she was 8 weeks old. We had someone that we trusted stay with them in our house, so that was a god send. All i wanted was to get back here and be with Tilly...as crazy as that sounds.
I sometimes feel like i should feel guilty for loving Tilly so much, as if Bess will think i love her more, but i know that Bess has given a part of her heart to Tilly, so i dont feel the guilt. As much as Tilly makes us smile and brings such joy to us as we see her grow and we LOVE her character, her individuality, especially when she swims in the pool, just like Bess did, none of the others, only Bess and Tilly....I still miss Bess more than words can explain. I suppose it really hasnt still hit me that she really is gone, in the physical sense. I still want her to be there when we get home after shopping, or whatever, i still want to see her dive into the pool....but it never happens. I can see that the bond i had and still do with Bess, is once again developing, with Tilly, and it scares me....because i know, it wont last forever....ok it will, but not forever whilst i am alive or vice versa....one of us will go first. Yep, i know, enjoy it while its there, she is only 8 months old, but i dread the day that i have to relive which i did with Bess.
I still feel that i let Bess down and could have done more....I still cannot process the images and the fact that i decided on her death....even though i know it was for the best, there will always be questions, could i have done this or that, and then maybe that god damn needle that went into her beautiful precious paw would have NEVER been necessary. I guess we all ask the same questions. I'm sorry, but I'm just venting and trying to process, although not really doing a good job of either. I held her so tight after, I couldnt let her go, until i had to, and i keep beating myself up thinking how she must have felt with that awful needle in her paw....whats my mum doing to me? Or was she saying: thanks mum.....i just dont know what she was feeling or thinking. Its not like we do that to humans is it? So its no wonder i feel this way and many others feel this way. I know its different, and we have to make these decisions, but its just so hard to deal with at the time and for so long afterwards. All i have now is her ashes, in a box, and I'm still trying desperately to reach the stage where i can talk about the memories of her, the good times, and i wish they would come, so that i would have them too. Sometimes they do, but afterwards i feel bad for talking about the good things, which is of course ridiculous, but we all do it.
I'm sorry for the rant guys, but its been a long time coming, and i know that i can do that here without judgement.
Hugs to all of you
Helen and Bessie.....oh and Tilly wants to give a gazillion hugs too, she gets it, somehow...lying by my feet now, never leaving my side, isnt that what its all about...the unconditional....