MissingBenji
These past couple of days I have been in the throes of GREAT sadness!  My Benji boo (who would've turned 10 years old on November 16) was put to sleep 2 days ago, Tuesday, September 20, 2016 to be exact and it was somewhat sudden.  Benji had a huge (cancerous?) tumor around his neck area and he'd begun to have difficulty breathing.  He had been checked by 2 other vets when it was much smaller who said it was benign so I attempted to "treat" him myself by drastically changing his diet and with holistic remedies, but when it had gotten much bigger I decided to get another opinion.  So a 3rd vet I took him to referred me to a surgical clinic where the surgeon had proclaimed that he was "sure" it was cancerous based upon his experience even though he hadn't performed any tests on it.  He recommended x-rays and ultrasound and depending on the results of those perhaps a catscan at the tune of $1400-$1800 (just for the catscan) and then referral to another clinic for radiation treatment.  I knew I didn't want to go the chemotherapy/radiation route so I continued self-treatment from online findings.   When I realized I was failing miserably to heal him I attempted to take him to a holistic veterinary clinic on Monday.  Unfortunately he gets so anxious when he's being taken somewhere, which hampers his breathing even more, and with the heat of the day (my car's ac only blows through the defroster) it proved way too taxing for him and he almost passed out in my car.  I had to turn around and get him back home fast!  It seemed as though it took some time for his normal breathing to return to him.  I prayed earnestly to God for him to normalize his breathing and he did.

On Tuesday my husband didn't have to work so we made a decision to try and get him to the holistic vet again.  This time in my husband's vehicle with him driving, his ac works a little better than mine, and with me sitting in the back with Benji.  The drive to the vet went relatively smoothly.  I always have cold water on hand when I transport him and I fed him ice cubes to keep him occupied.

When we arrived the vet examined him and pretty much felt he was too far gone for any real help.  Unfortunately the hositic veterinarian wasn't in on Tuesdays (only Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays).  So the vet on duty decided to give him a steroid shot to try and lessen the swelling in his throat so he could breathe easier and gave us pills to adminster at home.  When we attempted to drive home he couldn't calm down and was unable to catch his breath, not to mention the car hadn't cooled off enough (and it was hot outside).  He was panicing and running in circles in the car because he couldn't breathe.  His mouth was open so wide I could practically see all the way down his throat.  I screamed for my husband to turn around to go back to the clinic.  When we got there someone ran in to get the vet for us and she came out to check him and noticed his tongue was turning blue.  I told her we decided to put him down.  She gave him another shot to put him into a deep rest so we could get him onto a stretcher to take him inside to administer the final shot to put him to sleep.  I was always too chicken with my other pets to be there with them when they were put down but I HAD to be there with Benji.  It was as much for my past pets whom I felt I had failed as it was for Benji too.  So I'm grateful that my husband and I were there with him, looking into his eyes, talking  to him and stroking him as he took his final breaths.

However, I feel so AWFUL that his final moments were so stressful and filled with so much suffering.  I've been apologizing over and over and over...  I feel so guilty!  If only I had sought professional holistic help much sooner instead of trying to do it myself I believe he could've survived this even though the vet said it was cancer.  I pray that he would give me some sign that he has forgiven me and that he is alright now.  I don't know if I can overcome this.  The sorrow is too great!  My home doesn't feel like home anymore now that he's gone.  To think, when I got home on Monday from work he ran to the door to greet me.  He was so happy in spite all of his problems and discomfort.  And he was such a friendly pooch, kind of like the neighborhood's dog.  We didn't have to leash him (although I sometimes did just to obey leash laws).  He would run over to the other neighbors bushes and mark his territory in their yards (LOL) and then lean on them so they would pet him.  He was so smart, strong and had so much fight in him!  I feel so overwhelmed with guilt and grief.

Thanks for listening.  I just wanted to share my story for confession's sake and so that others would know about my Benji's big heart.  Please! Rest in peace Benji (aka Benjamin Brody Hall).  I love you forever...

Benji cropped.jpg 


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Bailey15
You certainly loved Benji and I'm sure he knew it. Animals hide their pain (it's an instinct having to do with their fear of being prey) so when Benji ran to the door on Monday he was undoubtedly very happy to see you but was also likely in pain. You mention that the third vet who saw Benji (after the tumor had grown) thought he had cancer and also that the vet who saw him on Tuesday said that Benji was too far gone for any real help. I'm wondering why the first 2 vets who said the tumor was benign didn't try to remove it - given its location. It is confusing when you get different opinions from vets. I am so glad you didn't want to go the chemotherapy/radiation route. If the tumor was malignant it might have only only added some time given what the last vet said and then Benji would have suffered. I know it was so difficult for all of you on Tuesday but everything you did was out of love and attempts to help your boy. I think it's important to realize that a holistic vet may not have been able to help even if you had taken Benji sooner. I am not a vet but from what you have described it sounds like Benji was a very sick boy. You were with him at the end and that means a lot! I actually read that animals are not afraid of dying but they want you to be with them. That's what my husband and I did for our dog and he was very peaceful and I think ready to go - as much as it breaks our hearts to lose them. I'm so sorry for your loss!
Hugs, MJ
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Bailey15
I just wanted to add that I love the picture you posted. He was a handsome dog!
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CK1991
I agree! Benji was a beautiful looking dog! He sounds like he was a wonderful friend who brought a lot of joy to your life. You've been through quite the ordeal with seeing different vets and trying so hard to help your boy. Try to remember that he had a wonderful life together with you and your husband and that in the end you made a decision to let him go rather than see him suffer. That is the final gift you gave him. Sorry for your loss... CK
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MissingBenji
Thank you all for your very kind words.  Being able to tell our stories on this forum and then offer support to one another really helps in the healing process.  Thank you again and God bless you and your families!
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Sampson
I'm sorry you lost your beloved Benji. He was a handsome dog for sure. I can tell you loved him very much and animals feel that kind of affection so I'm sure he had a happy life with you. Nothing at all to feel badly about: you cared for him and stayed with him to the very end. It must have given him peace and comfort as he passed to know you were there. Grief is so very hard though, I do understand. My deepest condolences,
S.
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MissingBenji
Thank you Sampson for your kind words and condolences!
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