My pet rat passed away last month and it's hurting so bad not having him with me. I love all my rats but he was my heart rat and the first to pass.
He was sick for about a week before he passed with no improvement from his meds and left in my arms. It all felt a bit unreal, mainly due to the lack of sleep beforehand, but I've never cried so hard in my life. For the next few days I couldn't eat or smile and since then just I've just felt numb. I guess my mind just blocked him out, I didn't really think about him much or look at photos and I felt guilty for doing so, it just hurt too much.
A month later and it's like it has just hit me. I can't stop crying and I feel so much anxiety whenever I think about him. It's so hard not having him near. I always said I wanted him cremated so I could keep the ashes with me, but at the time I just couldn't do it. My mum put thoughts into my head of not getting him all back and that they just give you bits of any animal, even though it stated individual. Due to covid-19 I also wouldn't have been able to go with him, he would have been picked up and took on his own and I couldn't do that, he wouldn't have wanted that.
Instead, he is buried in the garden and I can't even go out to visit his grave. I feel so bad for leaving him there alone, but I just can't. I keep wanting to dig him back up just to see him and stroke him again. I keep imagining that he'll look the same still wrapped in his blanket, but I know this would not be the case and I'd regret it if I did.
I also just can't seem to think of the happy times, I know there were many, but It's like they've been erased from my mind. All I see is the look on his face before he passed and how ill he was. I try to look at photos/videos and I break down.
Is this all normal?
I really wish I could be happy thinking about him. I think I'm still very attached to his physical body too. The thought of him buried is really getting to me. Deep down I do know it isn't actually him though.
Sorry if I'm rambling at all. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like absolute garbage :/