Lostmom

This is my first post, so please bear with me as this will be a long post. I lost my precious Max last Sunday and it has been a very rough week. I still cannot believe he is not with me and I can't seem to keep control of my emotions. I know I did all I could during the 15 years I was blessed to have him to take care of, to make his life a happy one and I know he knew how much I loved him (and still do)! I know he loved me just as much. He was diagnosed with kidney disease last March, at the age of 14 1/2 years, and I hydrated him every night since then and had him on special food, although he would always insist on having his Temptations Party Mix treats. He was such a good boy.  He never once did anything "bad" or "wrong" in the 15 years I had him. I got him when he was 7 months old, he was a rescue. I can't believe someone dumped this precious cat off on the street. He was found wondering by a dumpster and taken to a shelter, where God found a way to bring him to me. He was my "housewarming gift" when I bought my house. I made a litter box out of a 32 gallon tupperware container because he had had some mini strokes over the last year or so, which caused him to not be able to jump onto things or step over the lip of a litter box. He was still very happy though, purred a lot, kissed me a lot, ate and drank well. I kept his water, food and litter box in the bedroom, where he stayed during the day, with the company of Jillie, another cat, who always wanted to be there with him while I was at work. Our Doc said we did not want to risk him falling down the stairs and it would be best to keep him safe while not home. I would bring Max downstairs when I came home, he would sit on the couch with me and watch TV, then when bed time came, I would put him in bed with me on his orthopedic pad, and we would snuggle for about 30 minutes and give each other kisses before we would both finally sigh a big, contented sigh, then fall alseep with me holding him. If I rolled over during the night, he would meow to wake me up so I could hold him again, and he would give me kisses on my hand until he fell alseep. He was my best friend and the best companion anyone could have. I did not expect him to leave me Sunday, March 13. We slept in late, got up and he was fine. I told him I would be back and I went downstairs, had a cup of coffee, mixed up his kidney diet canned food with some warm water, just how he liked it, and went upstairs to give it to him. I opened the door to find him convulsing, having seizures, and drooling unbelievably. I did not know what to do. Called the ER, they said to bring him down right away and I put him in his bed and took him to the vet. He convulsed the whole way there. I tried to keep him from choking and suffocating on the way while I was driving, because his nose kept falling into the bed, so I had to keep lifting up his head. They took him right away and gave him a shot of valium, which stopped the seizures. They brought him back to me and I held him on top of his bed, in my lap, talked to him and cuddled with him. He still seemed to know me, although I was told that after 20 minutes of convulsing, cats become confused and lose their mental faculties. The valium wore off, they gave him another shot of it, and said that it would be best to euthenize him. They could keep him in the hospital for a few days, doing the same things I was doing for him at home, but that he would most likely go into convulsions again, and I might not be home. I could not bear for him to go alone, so I said okay and held him the entire time. He went very quickly and peacefully. I have other kitties whom I love dearly but my heart is broken and I feel so empty wthout Max. When he could no longer do so himself, every day I groomed him, combed him, wiped his eyes, cleaned his ears, made sure there was no litter stuck between his little toes which would be uncomfortable for him when he walked, and just loved him more than I thought was humanly possible. I know that he lived a long, love filled, happy life and that it was time to let him go, but I just cannot seem to get over the fact that he is not here. Sometimes I am okay, then panic seizes me, and I don't know how I am going to or IF I am going to ever get over this. I have lost pets over my lifetime, all of whom were very important to me, but Max and I had some sort of extremely special bond and it's harder for me this time. I know he is in a better place, happy and playing again, but I have not been able to feel him around me. I hoped he would "visit" me somehow to let me know he is okay, but he hasn't. I just need some encouragement right now. I feel so lost.

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chipperboy
Lostmom,

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my baby almost 2 months ago and I had no idea how I was going to get through the grief and pain.

To be honest, I don't think we ever "get over" them leaving....we just get used to living without them physically here with us. I know that I'm a changed person since Chipper went to the Bridge. He made me a better person and now that he is gone, I don't take as many things for granted. There are other changes, but I don't need to bore you with details.

In reading your post, I can see that you are an awesome mom to Max. He was so very lucky to have you! The bond you shared will never go away. Once you have a bond like that....it can never be replaced or reduced. It doesn't mean you can't love another as much, but there is a special place for Max in your life and those memories will always be there. In fact, we are all lucky to have had our furbabies in our life! What a blessing they are!

As for your pain and grief....it will pass....in time. In the meantime, we are here for you and would love to hear more about Max and any memories you want to share.

Blessings and hugs!
Chipper's Mom

Momma's Chipper Boy (9/19/95 - 1/30/11) My heart, my love, my buddy! I miss you and love you so, so much! I can't wait to see you at the bridge! Love, Mommy

Lady "Ladybugs" (8/2/03 - 6/5/17) My sweet girl. Thanks for the walks, playtime, sock collection, boo boo kisses and love you gave all of us. We will miss you dearly! Until we meet again...we love you!
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donnalee

Dear LostMom,
I am so sorry you went through such a horrible ordeal.  Seeing your baby in that condition must have been very traumatic.  Here, you will meet others who have been through very similar incidents with their babies.  We all know and understand the pain and sadness you feel when you lose your precious one.  
ChippersMom said everything so well.    I'm almost at a year, and I can vouch with the statement that we don't really get over them leaving, we just get used to living without them here.  So far, I have found that to be true.  But, it is not easy and it takes a lot of time to get to that point when you can finally get through a day without tears.   Of course, everyday, I still think of him frequently and I don't want that to stop.  
You mentioned that you have lost animals before but this time it is so much harder because of the extremely close bond you and Max had.   There does seem to be that one special furbaby that just completely steals your heart.    I feel the same way about Scottie.  I understand what you mean. 
Many people seem to get signs right away.  I was one that had to wait a few months before I received a sign.  When I finally got it, it was a doozy, at least to me!   So, you may or may not receive something right away but stay open, receptive, and patient.  I'm sure Max wants to let you know he is not only OK, he is happy and doing great!  No more seizures, no more pain where he is now.  It's us, left here, that is so difficult for.  He is in a good place.   Please know that we will be here for you to offer support and encouragement for as long as you need it.  People in your life may get tired of hearing you talk about it, but you can talk here as much and as long as you like.  I think it is actually an important part of the grieving process. 
I am very, very sorry you are having such a tough time.  My prayers and my heart is with you.  Just take it inch by inch, moment by moment, keep breathing.....you will make it through.  When you are able, read other threads and you will see many people at various stages of their grief.  That is not meant to make you sad but to give you hope..... that you too will make it as we all have.

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Lullyloo
So today is the one week mark...  I'm happy you posted this.  I wonder how I am going to deal with the one week mark this Wednesday.  Your post was lovely.  I'm happy you wrote.  You were Max's angel.  

I also have other kitties at home, and each relationship is different.  I want to honor each relationship, but right now my home feels empty without my baby that I just lost. 

Hang in there.  You are not alone.
   
We may not be together in the way we used to be, but we are still connected by a cord no eye can see.
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Bubsmom
Lostmom- I'm so sorry for your loss.  My Bubbacat was fine up to Saturday, and then didn't eat on Sunday.  I took him to his vet's on Monday, and they said it was minor and that he just needed a procedure to help him "go".  I was so relieved it was nothing serious.  He stayed at the vet's Monday night, and Tuesday my mom went to pick him up.  I came home Tuesday hoping to reunite with my Bubby, only to find him by he sofa struggling to breathe.  I rushed him to the emergency vet, who treated him for fluid on his lungs, and by 1 am, even with oxygen and treatments, he was no longer able to stand up.  It broke my heart, but I couldn't let him suffer like that.  At 3 am, I held him in my arms as the vet administered the medicine to put him to sleep.  At first I was totally numb.  And then the pain hit, over and over.  It was crushing, and I couldn't believe the depth of it.  I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat.  I couldn't accept it as reality at all.  And that's when I found this website.  I find that it has helped tremendously.  Everybody here is so kind and helpful, and sympathizes with the pain you're feeling.  It took a few days to feel like I could even breathe, but it does slowly subside.  It's been just about a month for me, and I still cry.  I still miss him unbelievably, and have my ups and downs, but it does get better.  Our hearts go out to you.  Please keep posting.
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Cheryl
I am very sorry to hear about your beloved Max. I just lost my Bennie tonight and have been on and off this site all evening.  It sounds like you were an awesome mom to Max, lavishing all that care and attention on him. What a lucky boy he was. I do believe our animals go to heaven, and that there they find peace and comfort among other things that are good in their lives while they wait for us. I do not yet have words to say how you can get through this as I am just beginning this journey of grief myself. Bennie was a special friend like your Max. He was my healer cat. He used to lick my tears when I would cry (I went through some rough times). I have a bladder disorder, and he would sit on my bladder when it hurts and just purr to try to make it feel better. And he would purr and purr and purr. He was a sweet gentle soul and I do not know how I will get through this. But I will. You will. Not that we will forget, but that somehow, we will get through. May you have strength on the journey. Let us know how you are doing along the way.

Cheryl
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