This is my first post, so please bear with me as this will be a long post. I lost my precious Max last Sunday and it has been a very rough week. I still cannot believe he is not with me and I can't seem to keep control of my emotions. I know I did all I could during the 15 years I was blessed to have him to take care of, to make his life a happy one and I know he knew how much I loved him (and still do)! I know he loved me just as much. He was diagnosed with kidney disease last March, at the age of 14 1/2 years, and I hydrated him every night since then and had him on special food, although he would always insist on having his Temptations Party Mix treats. He was such a good boy. He never once did anything "bad" or "wrong" in the 15 years I had him. I got him when he was 7 months old, he was a rescue. I can't believe someone dumped this precious cat off on the street. He was found wondering by a dumpster and taken to a shelter, where God found a way to bring him to me. He was my "housewarming gift" when I bought my house. I made a litter box out of a 32 gallon tupperware container because he had had some mini strokes over the last year or so, which caused him to not be able to jump onto things or step over the lip of a litter box. He was still very happy though, purred a lot, kissed me a lot, ate and drank well. I kept his water, food and litter box in the bedroom, where he stayed during the day, with the company of Jillie, another cat, who always wanted to be there with him while I was at work. Our Doc said we did not want to risk him falling down the stairs and it would be best to keep him safe while not home. I would bring Max downstairs when I came home, he would sit on the couch with me and watch TV, then when bed time came, I would put him in bed with me on his orthopedic pad, and we would snuggle for about 30 minutes and give each other kisses before we would both finally sigh a big, contented sigh, then fall alseep with me holding him. If I rolled over during the night, he would meow to wake me up so I could hold him again, and he would give me kisses on my hand until he fell alseep. He was my best friend and the best companion anyone could have. I did not expect him to leave me Sunday, March 13. We slept in late, got up and he was fine. I told him I would be back and I went downstairs, had a cup of coffee, mixed up his kidney diet canned food with some warm water, just how he liked it, and went upstairs to give it to him. I opened the door to find him convulsing, having seizures, and drooling unbelievably. I did not know what to do. Called the ER, they said to bring him down right away and I put him in his bed and took him to the vet. He convulsed the whole way there. I tried to keep him from choking and suffocating on the way while I was driving, because his nose kept falling into the bed, so I had to keep lifting up his head. They took him right away and gave him a shot of valium, which stopped the seizures. They brought him back to me and I held him on top of his bed, in my lap, talked to him and cuddled with him. He still seemed to know me, although I was told that after 20 minutes of convulsing, cats become confused and lose their mental faculties. The valium wore off, they gave him another shot of it, and said that it would be best to euthenize him. They could keep him in the hospital for a few days, doing the same things I was doing for him at home, but that he would most likely go into convulsions again, and I might not be home. I could not bear for him to go alone, so I said okay and held him the entire time. He went very quickly and peacefully. I have other kitties whom I love dearly but my heart is broken and I feel so empty wthout Max. When he could no longer do so himself, every day I groomed him, combed him, wiped his eyes, cleaned his ears, made sure there was no litter stuck between his little toes which would be uncomfortable for him when he walked, and just loved him more than I thought was humanly possible. I know that he lived a long, love filled, happy life and that it was time to let him go, but I just cannot seem to get over the fact that he is not here. Sometimes I am okay, then panic seizes me, and I don't know how I am going to or IF I am going to ever get over this. I have lost pets over my lifetime, all of whom were very important to me, but Max and I had some sort of extremely special bond and it's harder for me this time. I know he is in a better place, happy and playing again, but I have not been able to feel him around me. I hoped he would "visit" me somehow to let me know he is okay, but he hasn't. I just need some encouragement right now. I feel so lost.