Rainy Show full post »
ahartofilis
Rainy wrote:
Wow, I am filled with despair and frustration right now. I just feel so helpless. Easily the lowest emotional state I have been in since he passed away nine days ago.

I think I have realized just how important he was to me. Unfortunately, I seem to have a hard time having close friendships in my life, and circumstances over the past several years have caused that to decrease even more. Also, I have to admit that although I am very appreciative of my parents taking me back in during my time of severe financial need, our personalities just do not mesh. They never have, not when I was a child and not now that I have been an adult for quite some time. So, needless to say, I generally feel very alone in life, and I think that had a lot to do with why I bonded so much with this cat. Unfortunately, that means that I am even more alone now, and you combine that with going through the grief of having lost him, and deep down I am really not doing well, regardless of the brave face that I attempt to always put up, both in my life away from the keyboard as well as here.

Sorry to be such a downer, but I suppose that if I cannot be that way here ...

Well, walks do seem to help, so I think that I am going to need to go head out on another one, even though it is just past midnight here and it is about 40 degrees out and windy. I just need to get out of here and get some fresh air. Maybe get some dark chocolate (I hear that can help improve moods in moderate amounts).


  Hello Rainy, Firstly, I am sorry for the loss of your feline companion. I read your first post and got the story on your, and his life. You were there, to give the comfort and love to him in his last hours. He knows that, he felt it from you. I understand guilt. I think we all feel it as part of the grieving process. I believe you did all you could do. I needed to hear that myself, and still do from time to time, when my girl, Coco, left for the bridge after a struggle with bone cancer this past December.
  I feel that the very nature of true grief can be a very lonely process. I can appreciate your despair and frustration, I have been there especially during those first weeks of loosing my girl. I wasn't doing well for quite a while. It has been nearly 5 month's and I still have days of struggle. I am also trying to move ahead with another canine, and that has its share of ups and downs.
  I have a busy life, my grandchildren live with me, I work full time, and I also help out with my ailing mom. Its amazing how alone you can feel with so much going on. Yet loosing my dear girl did make me feel very alone in life. She was my special friend, she loved me to the moon and back! You just don't find that with a lot of human relationships. I understand how alone you feel!
  I  think that you have found a great outlet in your walks. I used to walk a lot with my girl. It was our one on one time, and very therapeutic for me. When she left, I couldn't walk without having a total meltdown. I recently rescued a Labrador which forces me to get out there and walk again. It has been a good thing for me to be able to do that. Nature gives us something, a peace, and sense of well being that we cannot find any where else.
  I think you are doing the best you can. You have a right to feel all of the things that you do. Its part of this process which can be very painful, and lonely. I hope you continue to find comfort here in the days ahead. Give yourself time Rainy, we all need that to heal............Sincerely, Andrea

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Rainy
MuchasMom, thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to write that message and the sentiment behind it. I am definitely in a dark (lonely) place now, and it is nice to know that others are thinking of me.

What's weird about me is that I actually make positive acquaintances pretty easily and can appear pretty social in public settings; I just can't seem to ever get that elevated to friendships except in rare occasions, and those have all pretty much dissipated to nothing the last several years. And I feel that I have a very giving nature and would be a good friend. However, I have been able to use the caring part of my personality with the cats who have lived here over the years, and I really miss that (the one I mentioned in this thread, who I was definitely closest to, was the final one to pass away, so this place is petless at the moment for the first time in decades).

Unfortunately, I not only have to live with my parents, but I have to sleep on the couch, which would normally not be a big deal except they have completely different sleep schedules, so usually at least one is out here pretty much 24 hours a day, and then they argue with each other all of the time that they are awake at the same time (have ever seen I was a child and continue to do so while I am typing this post). I can never really have space to myself unless I leave on a walk or otherwise. And the one being here who I was close to passed away nine days ago, so needless to say I am pretty filled with despair at the moment. Although I am almost always with somebody else in the room, I don't think I have ever felt as lonely as I do living here.

Although I am in a similar mood as I was several hours ago, I do have to admit that I am a bit more driven than I was then (possibly because of the dark chocolate ...) and am starting to make concrete plans as far as getting out of here goes as well as becoming more social, whether that is focused on humans, cats or both.

I wish you the best with your own grief and loneliness (the love between you and Mucha was and is special), and I want to thank you again for showing concern for mine.

ahartofilis, thank you very much for your thoughtful message. I also appreciated you putting into words that he knew I was there for him his final hours.

Sadly, the walk that I took after writing that last post did absolutely nothing to improve my mood, which is definitely not the norm as walks almost always improve my mood, at least a little bit. But not last night. Perhaps that is more an indication of how low I feel emotionally right now than anything else. However, I do have to admit that there is something romantic and peaceful about walking on completely empty streets in the middle of the night with a mist in the air. And it was nice to let the tears flow without having any concern that somebody would see me.

Thanks for the last words of your message. Fortunately, even as down as I feel right now, I do see a positive future and am determined to make that happen sooner rather than later, even if I sometimes struggle with having confidence that I can actually make my dreams happen.
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Rainy
Well, I have to admit that I feel much more relaxed than I did 24-48 hours ago. Not sure if the chocolate helped, but I think it did. On that walk last night, I picked up 4 ounces of unsweetened 100 percent cacao natural baking chocolate (for the flavonoids) and had a quarter of it. Although I did not head back to sleep for several more hours, once I did, it was the most full/relaxed sleep that I have had in a while.

To be honest, I am sure that deep down, I am still very much grieving (and am very frustrated with the current state of my life and my living arrangements), but I am pleased that my surface emotions are much more positive than they were 24-48 hours ago, because that was about as down as I have been emotionally in some time.

Also, we got back a pair of paw prints from the vet today along with a nice poem and a flower, so that was nice.
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