Wow, I am filled with despair and frustration right now. I just feel so helpless. Easily the lowest emotional state I have been in since he passed away nine days ago.
I think I have realized just how important he was to me. Unfortunately, I seem to have a hard time having close friendships in my life, and circumstances over the past several years have caused that to decrease even more. Also, I have to admit that although I am very appreciative of my parents taking me back in during my time of severe financial need, our personalities just do not mesh. They never have, not when I was a child and not now that I have been an adult for quite some time. So, needless to say, I generally feel very alone in life, and I think that had a lot to do with why I bonded so much with this cat. Unfortunately, that means that I am even more alone now, and you combine that with going through the grief of having lost him, and deep down I am really not doing well, regardless of the brave face that I attempt to always put up, both in my life away from the keyboard as well as here.
Sorry to be such a downer, but I suppose that if I cannot be that way here ...
Well, walks do seem to help, so I think that I am going to need to go head out on another one, even though it is just past midnight here and it is about 40 degrees out and windy. I just need to get out of here and get some fresh air. Maybe get some dark chocolate (I hear that can help improve moods in moderate amounts).
Hello Rainy, Firstly, I am sorry for the loss of your feline companion. I read your first post and got the story on your, and his life. You were there, to give the comfort and love to him in his last hours. He knows that, he felt it from you. I understand guilt. I think we all feel it as part of the grieving process. I believe you did all you could do. I needed to hear that myself, and still do from time to time, when my girl, Coco, left for the bridge after a struggle with bone cancer this past December.
I feel that the very nature of true grief can be a very lonely process. I can appreciate your despair and frustration, I have been there especially during those first weeks of loosing my girl. I wasn't doing well for quite a while. It has been nearly 5 month's and I still have days of struggle. I am also trying to move ahead with another canine, and that has its share of ups and downs.
I have a busy life, my grandchildren live with me, I work full time, and I also help out with my ailing mom. Its amazing how alone you can feel with so much going on. Yet loosing my dear girl did make me feel very alone in life. She was my special friend, she loved me to the moon and back! You just don't find that with a lot of human relationships. I understand how alone you feel!
I think that you have found a great outlet in your walks. I used to walk a lot with my girl. It was our one on one time, and very therapeutic for me. When she left, I couldn't walk without having a total meltdown. I recently rescued a Labrador which forces me to get out there and walk again. It has been a good thing for me to be able to do that. Nature gives us something, a peace, and sense of well being that we cannot find any where else.
I think you are doing the best you can. You have a right to feel all of the things that you do. Its part of this process which can be very painful, and lonely. I hope you continue to find comfort here in the days ahead. Give yourself time Rainy, we all need that to heal............Sincerely, Andrea