LuvCharlie4Ever
I lost my precious boy, Charlie on 12/30/09 after a two month illness. He was 15 years old.  I had him since he was 10 years old.

I adopted Charlie from my local pet rescue after a hospitalization for severe depression.  When I was looking on their website, I looked at his picture (he was a handsome black and white shih tzu) and knew he was my baby.  I went the next day after work to meet him and knew he was my baby as soon as our eyes met.  Charlie was my best friend.  He loved me unconditionally and was always happy to see me.  He loved his family, being around people and children, and being outside.  Many days when I felt like I didn't want to go on, I got out of bed because that sweet little, shih tzu face was looking back at me.

At the beginning of November, I took him to his vet for what I thought was another eye infection. But I found out he had glaucoma.  I was given the option of an ablation or having his eye removed.  Neither option felt right for Charlie because he was 15.  So, I chose medical management which included eye drops and pain medication when needed.  So, each week I took him to have the pressure in his eyes checked and it wasn't getting any better.  By the end of November, he was walking into things and his eyes alwyas seemed dry and cleaning them would hurt him.  I continued to give him the eye drops and pain medication.  I also cleaned his eyes out twice daily.  I discussed with  Charlie's vet that, when Charlie seemed to be in pain, I would let him go because I didn't want him to suffer.

On Dec. 28, 2009, I took Charlie for his checkup and his eyes weren't any better.  His right eye was blood shot and due to his symptoms, she thought he most likely had a tumor.  At times when he got up, he would walk into things and never could get his bearings or realize which way to go.  The next night was rough for Charlie and I.  I gave him his pain medication and it didn't help him rest at all.  He was up most of the night and seemed uncomfortable.  He was incontinent.  I decided that I would have him put to sleep. 

Dec. 30, 2009 at 11:30, I took Charlie to the vet and he went to heaven.  I still struggle with intense boughts of crying.  I would give my life to be able to be with him again.  I come home and suddenly feel so lonely because he's not here.  When I'm driving in my car, I look in the backseat sometimes expecting to see his handsome, furry, little face looking back at me.  As a nurse, you expect to be able to help others and I wonder if I truly did what was best for Charlie.  I wonder if he knew how much I loved him and never wanted to let him go, but I just couldn't stand to watch him suffer. 

Does the pain and second guessing yourself ever lessen?  I feel like I lost a part of myself.  He was my child and my life for the most part since, I'm not married and have no children.
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katysmum

I was saddened to hear the loss of your Charlie. Losing an animal that is so precious is very very hard. It hurts so much at the beginning words really can't describe the feelings of pain, loss and hurt. I know how you feel, the bouts of crying and trying to hold it together just seem to go on and on. I find the hardest thing to accept is that I won't get to see my little girl again. But you know what we feel is normal. We love our little ones so much it is ok to be upset and distraught. Hang in there and remember your little Charlie for the special boy he was.

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LuvCharlie4Ever

Thank so much for your kindness Katysmum.  It helps tremendously to know that I'm not alone.

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