Jokemom
It’s not even been 24 hours and though we knew this time was coming I never expected to be in such excruciating pain. Our yellow lab Biscuit was almost 15. for the past seven months we carried her in and out of the house she was unable to walk and could barely stand to do her business   My boys grew up with her when I tell people How devastated we all are they  don’t understand. So many holiday traditions with her because we made her Such a huge part of our family Life.  Like for example if the boys hunting were hunting for eggs at Easter she would be hunting for her treats. She was by our side always. This last year It was hands-on care 24/7 she was basically paralyzed in her bed we had to do everything for her. It feels like a bomb is exploded inside our family I know we will never be the same again we had to put her down because I could tell she was getting close to the end and I was so afraid  of her suffering. But my god the guilt! I lost my father last year but this hurt is beyond anything else I’ve ever felt   I know everyone thinks their dog is special but she was a sweet dog ad labs are, intelligent and so loving she fought so hard in the end it just kills me. Please  tell me that someday it won’t be as bad as this because I just can’t imagine life without her and feeling joy again just can’t. 
Candace Sayour 
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grievingmama

@Jokemom

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's incredibly painful to lose a companion, let alone one who has been such a huge and long term part of your life. 15 years is a long life for any dog and shows the unwavering love and commitment you have had. Take a moment to remind yourself of all the love and effort you put in over all those years, because not everyone does, and it is commendable. 

I lost my best friend, my dog of 13 years, just over 4 weeks ago now. And like you the very first thing I felt was intense guilt. I also had to make that impossible choice to say goodbye. And, like you, I spent the last year of his life nursing 24/7. We had many hospital stays and multiple chronic illness diagnosis over that last year and all those illnesses compounded on each other making things worse for his health. The week before we said our last goodbye, he had come home from a 2 day emerg hospital stay and had another diagnosis (diabetes). When he came home I actually had hope, this was treatable/manageable and a few needles was nothing compared to the nursing protocol I religiously followed over the previous months. However, within 1 short week of being home he started coughing up blood and clots. When his specialist said he assumed cancer and I was faced with having my boy go back into the hospital (during this crazy covid situation when you cannot be there) and undergo more invasive testing to confirm - I looked at him and said "enough". I still can't tell you why/how I went from a year of heroics to some gut instinct taking over me to protect him from further suffering, but it did and I made the call to let him go peacefully a day later. 

I recently said to a friend that owning a dog is the most responsibility we can take on; we love them, raise them, nurse them through age and then play god. I think anyone who can do that without second thoughts and emotional guilt, prob shouldn't own an animal. The truth is we can never know what the future holds, not for us and not for our dogs. But what I try to remind myself is that for 13 years every decision I made for my boy was with pure love and in his best interest. You should do the same. You loved that dog with all your heart and you let him go in peace. 

My best to you and your family. xx 

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Jokemom
First, thank so much for taking the time to basically help me in this crisis. I can see that you have been through hell this past year, it sounds like a never ending roller coaster ride. Yes, its the impossible choice to make to go from heroics to helping our best friend pass through this life. I’m still in shock that our family was capable of that. You have given me confidence in my grief. What I mean by that is just today my sister texted me that she was “confused” about my staying in bed today crying...(the day after my 15 year old dog died). She didn’t mean to be “harsh” but that I had done enough and it was time to move on. After all, she said, we still had thanksgiving after our dad died. Huh? I know she had a dog a some point, but some people think because they care for a dog, they know what it means to lose a companion. But they don’t LOVE the dog. They don’t talk to them like they are best friends. They may physically care for them, even cry when they pass. So they think they know how everyone else feels about their pet. You have given me the confidence to say “I’m sorry you are confused, but I won’t apologize for the way I am grieving. Ever.”

I will pray for you for healing, and I will try to look to the things that I/we as a family have done for our sweet puppy and focus on that as you have suggested. I think that is good advice. I have learned so much from Biscuit about how to love, and I will always love her, as I know your heart will as well for your sweet best friend.
Candace Sayour 
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Jen_0312
Jokemom wrote:
It’s not even been 24 hours and though we knew this time was coming I never expected to be in such excruciating pain. Our yellow lab Biscuit was almost 15. for the past seven months we carried her in and out of the house she was unable to walk and could barely stand to do her business   My boys grew up with her when I tell people How devastated we all are they  don’t understand. So many holiday traditions with her because we made her Such a huge part of our family Life.  Like for example if the boys hunting were hunting for eggs at Easter she would be hunting for her treats. She was by our side always. This last year It was hands-on care 24/7 she was basically paralyzed in her bed we had to do everything for her. It feels like a bomb is exploded inside our family I know we will never be the same again we had to put her down because I could tell she was getting close to the end and I was so afraid  of her suffering. But my god the guilt! I lost my father last year but this hurt is beyond anything else I’ve ever felt   I know everyone thinks their dog is special but she was a sweet dog ad labs are, intelligent and so loving she fought so hard in the end it just kills me. Please  tell me that someday it won’t be as bad as this because I just can’t imagine life without her and feeling joy again just can’t. 

I can honestly tell you that it does get better. My dog was 2 months shy of 16. I lost him on June 6th. The first 2 weeks I couldn't even stay at home because it was just me and him. The second week 
I totally broke down. I'm getting better now and I'm finally able to be at home without being totally depressed. I still have my moments and I will always miss him but I'm not feeling as guilty. I'm remembering happy times more. I'm sorry for your loss and it will take a long time to heal but it does get better. 
Jen
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marthamay
I feel so deeply for you and your loss. This is a pain unlike any other and i am holding space for you in my heart. My family has proven to be more or less indifferent and confused by my response as well but at the end of the day, your grieving process is your own. Your grieving process is justified and more than supported by those who hurt with you. My best to you. 
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P_Mom
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Biscuit - dogs are our closest family members.  Some people don't get it and I ignore them.  People here understand the deep well of pain and loss. My boy just turned 15 and had to let him go due to kidney failure.  I hear all the time 'he was old, he was 15, it was his time' its been almost 5 months - you should move on, get 'another one', blah blah blah.  While I'm blessed and truly grateful as many pups don't make it nearly that long, it's still too soon.  The time still flys by and we're left far too soon with only memories and I'm very much struggling to get through each day without him.  

The love and care you provided Biscuit was for her, but also your family and your boys will now enter this world as adults with love and compassion for dogs and animals which is so hugely important. ❤

Never apologize.  I tell my husband my life changed tremendously (beyond words) with Patch in it - it only make sense to change tremendously without him.  Sending lots of love your way. 

Jennifer

^I'll add I've lost both my beautiful Mother and Father.  I've been through deep grief before and this is just as hard - in my opinion harder because our pups are more like children - the care we provide, sleeping in our beds - our shadows. They rely on us each day.  Patch got me through both of those tragedies.  They are our comfort we turn to and when they're gone - our comfort goes too - of their own loss which is when we need them most.   It's painful as hell.
Jennifer
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Jokemom
Jennifer

OMG yes! this is painful as hell. I read what you wrote to my husband and he agrees, he told me you are right never try to explain your grief to others, they just get defensive about the way they may have felt at a pets passing. This is so validating for me, to have others say they felt the same! Yes, me too, lost my dad and I am shocked at the level of grief I feel at Biscuit’s death too. My whole routine is changed now forever. Your point about how your dog changed your life and now you have to change again, is so on point. My dog’s life is interwoven with my children, I can’t think about their childhood without thinking of her. They are one and the same. Thank you so much for reaching out to me, I can’t tell you what it means to feel free to do whatever I need to do now to honor my feelings for her.
Candace Sayour 
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P_Mom
I (and most all of us) understand the routine.  Days are long without them.  As soon as I wake, my boy is the first thing I think about and before I close my eyes at night.  Must be hundreds of times throughout the day.  

Wanted to check in on you Candace and your family.  I know it's so raw right now, hope you're at least getting some rest. 💖

Jennifer 
Jennifer
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Jokemom
Yes! Oh my gosh that is exactly right! The light has gone out of our house. She’s was bedridden for so long, she would yelp when she wanted water, anxious, etc. So quiet now. Fall asleep and wake thinking of her. Going in a while to pick up her urn. Hope I can hold it together. Hearing that others share this helps so much. Means so much to us all as I’ve told my family what kind people like you have said to me. Thank you!
Candace Sayour 
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P_Mom
Completely know what you mean about the light.  I had a memorial on stone made for my boy (we buried him 💔) and under his name Patch has 'Light of our Lives'. The energy in the house is vastly different.  We're trying to adjust.  My own husband says the head of the household is missing!  I'm sure picking up her urn will be very difficult with mixed emotions.  Sending big hugs your way! 💖
Jennifer
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